—TOO MUCH TOO LITTLE TOO LATE 

 

 

More Randall Brown…

 

 

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

 

Steak jokes are either rare, medium, or well done."

 

“I invented a thought-controlled air freshener.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“It makes scents when you think about it.”

 

What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.

 

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!

 

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

 

What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? 

Peas, don’t tell me. Let me guess.

Radish.

 

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

 

I told my doctor I heard a buzzing, but she said it’s just a bug that’s going around.

 

What made the cranberries go red? They saw the turkey dressing.

 

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? “Where’s popcorn?”

 

My son was humiliated when the teacher showed the whole class that he failed the test.

I told him he didn’t deserve to be D graded like that.

 

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? “Prime mates.”

 

I called my pet termite Clint, as in, Clint Eatswood.

 

So I called my wife from the shop because I’d forgotten what kind of orange juice she wanted. She said, “Concentrate,” but I still couldn’t remember.

 

My new collection entitled REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY is now available on Amazon. Please don’t buy it.

 

I've been thinking about what I can do for the environment—and then I noticed all these piles of used tires at different places around Philadelphia. So, I started a drive (ha, ha) to get people to use, instead of brand-new tires, these used ones for spares. But so far, the idea has not gotten any traction.

 

What do you call a fancy fish?

So-fish-ticated.

 

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

 

Where do boats go when they're sick?

To the dock.

 

Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.

 

What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? 

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

 

What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

Dinner is on me.