–IT’S HARD TO ROLL HOTWHEELS DOWN THE CARPET

 

 

—More Randall Brown

 

 

I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

 

Where do dads store their dad jokes?

In the dad-a-base.

 

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

 

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."

 

Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

 

I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.

 

My daughter just yelled at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.

 

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.

 

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

 

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.

 

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

 

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

 

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

 

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

 

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

 

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? 

Attire.

 

I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.

 

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

 

This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

 

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

 

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me. I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

 

News flash: A ship carrying red paint and one carrying blue paint collided. Both crews were marooned.

 

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

 

Did you know that, when you pass away, your pupils are the last part to stop working? They dilate.

 

Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time.

 

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

 

How does cereal pay its bills?
Chex.

 

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.

 

Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.

 

—IF YOU FEEL LIKE LEAVING, YOU KNOW YOU CAN GO

 

 

https://fictivedream.com/2024/05/23/kite/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR0FsHNAnUDdco9CEQpgksLmfv9aNoYcXXbektqnfwuj7WN8FC9UPfUa2DM_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw

 

 

https://fictivedream.com/2024/05/24/how-to-survive-age-nine/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR1PPHXpZv9QPqKW2DApTdcZCL3ogFN3RuDNAu3UrGpgw6FDzZn-uVlzeik_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw

—I JUST CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD

 

 

Keith

 

was in love, but he busted a front tooth on his own stool and got thrown out of yet another bar.

He had exactly one friend, Henley, and Keith called him, while his face burned like hell from literally being thrown to the curb.

There was no answer, and so Keith howled like a hyena at the irony, symbolism and deep meaning of that, how we are always all alone, dying inside and out, reaching for something we want that doesn’t want us back, writhing in a midday sun that needles our fresh wounds until we are too stupid to make sense of the world, heading somewhere else for another last drink of hope. 

—IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN

 

Midnight

 

Let’s eat 

jelly donuts and 

get hella fat 

I’m through with the 

stick show 

You can call me Porky 

and I’ll call you Love 

We’ll take turns 

smashing screens 

with a mallet 

collect each shard

as if they’re all

regal diamonds

You wouldn’t know it

but sometimes anger 

burns up 

every limb I’ve ever had 

But today 

today I just 

wanna destroy things 

for the hell of it

Fuck yeah

What do you think?

Meet me in the 

alley at midnight

I’ll be the one

wearing a scarf 

Instead of a noose  

but breathing too hard

I’ll be the guy 

without a trench coat 

hope 

or a lawyer

—LIKE A COIN THAT WON’T GET TOSSED

 

 

a box-shaped thing

 

run the tap and I’ll make us a soapy bath full of bubble clouds like hotdog balloons and a series of see-through moons clinging to your breasts and the puckered tips of your nipples there’s still time to save the world but let’s have a soak first I’ll wash your hair with clouds of foam and you’ll lean your spine against my cock and I’ll throb of course while we figure out a way to somehow cum in this box-shaped thing and when we’re finally clean we’ll step out of the tub noticing at once how dirty everything is the bathroom counter sooty the bedroom gray fumes kitchen grizzly the closet dull leaden the world smoldering and pungent from so many dropped bombs and Hypersonic missiles even way out here in this little town where everything is rugged yet pristine there are streams of residual smoke and carnage oh and are those really someone’s ashes landing in the trees?  

—SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS LIKE RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

 

 

Trap

 

We live on 

the razor’s edge 

by a rusted pock mark 

in the shape of 

a warped heart,

twins without conviction. 

When Sis says, 

“It’s time for supper,” 

I hold my mouth open 

while she drops a dried toad in.

Mother undoes the trapdoor lid 

every eight hours. 

Sometimes she’ll cackle down at us,

but most times she’ll just piss.

—I’M ONE DRINK AWAY FROM THE DEVIL

 

 

Mince

 

She took turns dicing me 

with a paring knife

until I was mince 

my mouth merely a 

lower lip holding loosely 

onto a row 

of cracked teeth 

I tried to apologize 

or express regret

but she was laughing 

too hard to hear

the message 

well-groomed and

almost soluble 

over the din

of such jubilant celebration.

 

—TOO OLD FOR DYIN’ YOUNG, TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE

  

 

…Better grip, so you don’t slip.

 

…What have we really got to lose, after all?

 

…I have all of these pills, and yet no aspirin. Really?

 

…I know it’s just logarithms, but it feels like certain people are consciously ducking me.

 

.…I guess it’s good to worry because it means you care.

 

…I haven’t had a headache like this since the day before I wasn’t meant to be born.

 

…Hey, Josh!

 

…I guess I’m just mad at myself today.

 

…Throw me a bone and see if I don’t jump.

 

…You’d think sunshine would make things better.

 

…Can’t you see? There’s nothing to be disappointed about.

 

…My skull feels like a Christmas stocking that’s empty, except for the noise and stale air.

 

…Aren’t poets supposed to be cryptic by nature? 

 

…It took me five years to say I was a writer, and even now, it doesn’t sound entirely true.

 

…There’s one thing I guarantee I can beat you at. Just pull out the scale, and let’s get started.

 

...Some weekends, well, they’re just lost.

 

…There once was a man from Nantucket…

 

…Never meet your hero, is sage advice.

 

…There’s really nothing comparable to a heartfelt hug, one where you let every single thing leak out.

 

…I should probably give up on Vampire Weekend eventually.

 

…I guess I’m never living in NYC after all.

 

…God, this lake, it’s spectacular.

...Eight more days!

 

…Book of hours, Russian icons and sand mandalas and Natarajas and hex-sign barns, Ando churches and whirling dervishes, long exposures… I mean, who writes like that?

 

…New Daryl usually wipes everything away.

 

…Well, this is something else… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FIw7ERlVxU

 

...But how’re you doing?

 

…I wrote too much today, crumbles and prayers, such a waste.

 

…I can’t even begin to know what you’re thinking, and maybe that’s the point. 

 

…You can’t get more introspective than this.

 

…There used to be a plane on a pole at the bottom of the hill where we lived when I was four and living in Bismarck. I always thought I’d imagined that, but about fifteen years ago, we went back and that plane was still there. I think my brothers are probably huddling around it right now without me.

 

…This chair, man, it hates me almost as much as I hate it back.

 

…So, I’ve been through the deaths of my mother, my birth-dad and step-dad, but nothing’s been quite like this, reconciling the loss of my mother in-law.

I know I’ve been writing a lot about it, and her, here, and this will be the last bit. 

The day after her passing, I woke up and wept for well over an hour, sitting up in bed and wiping my tears and snot on a pillowcase. 

And she wasn’t even my birth mother. 

Maybe that’s why.

Then a while later I felt angry. Like, really angry and belligerent. Have you ever felt that, when you lost someone close to you?

It was strange. In the throes of anger, I felt momentarily strong, though I’m nothing like that.

And then, of course, it started to rain, a thumping downpour, and I read into that, like it might be Armageddon, like it was some sign telling me it was okay to be mad, to maybe even get angrier.

I’m the least thing from a fighter, but I wanted to hit someone, see them suffer, and then suffer with them.

  

…A lot of times, I feel like I’m not alive, like I’m a ghost or doppelganger of myself, muddling through, trying to do a good deed here or there when I can.

 

…I wonder how many of us really know ourselves.

Because I don’t know me.

 

…The good thing about living in a turret is you vomit your thoughts out without having to explain.

 

…How and anyone possibly cry this much?

 

…This is how numb you can get—when you look down and see moons of bright red blood spilled below your chair and don’t know the source (apparently, I stepped on a piece of glass).

 

…From everything I’ve learned, blood washes away easily.

 

…Don’t try to lose someone—it isn’t that easy.

 

…Take care of your heart and your feet. They’re important.

 

…I can scratch my head all I want, for as ever long as I want, and I’m still not getting it back.  

 

..It’s funny, because those blood stains disappeared, and now they’re back again.

    

…Today was a tough day, and I don’t even know why.

 

…THE REMARKS OF GUESTS APPEARING ON THIS STATION ARE THEIR OWN AND IN NO ARE THEY A REFLECTION OF THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS OF THIS STATION OR MANAGEMENT.

 —WINNER TAKES IT ALL 

 

More Randall Brown…

 

 

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism.

Fortunately, it’s a light sentence.

 

"I threw a ball for my dog today, not for any particular reason other than I think he looks good in a tuxedo!"

 

A drunk woman stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under her arm.

She announces to her now awake husband, "This is the pig I've been screwing."

The husband unimpressed says, "You drunk arsehole. That's a duck."

The woman looks down at the duck and then looks back up at her husband and says, “I was talking to the duck!"

 

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? 

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

 

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

 

When I was younger, everyone had a wristwatch. Nowadays, almost no one wears one.

How times have changed.

 

‘Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other: “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”’

 

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

 

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

 

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery, I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

 

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." 

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

 

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

 

"I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days."

 

"I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person."

 

You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's $1. That's inflation for you.

 

"My doctor said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."

 

If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

 

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

 

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.

 

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."

 

I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.

 

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and asks, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer says, “Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

 

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

 —UNTRUE, UNKIND, AND UNNATURAL

 

 

Sometimes

 

Sometimes you just wanna die, but not like literally.

Sometimes the lake is all too still and nothing’s jumping, not even fish, while your friends remain distracted by their life, and so you think about a blade cut to the wrist, how that will work out, a crimson river flowing freely.

Sometimes there’s no one else around to scold you, to hold you, if that is even a thing.

Sometimes it’s just best to sleep, even if the sun is a beam boiling your afternoon eyes into glue.

Sometimes it’s enough to simply smile at the folly of it all, when the phone’s not ringing, and there’s no one there, no one saying, “I love you. I miss you. Please tell me you’re okay. Okay?”

 

—WELL, THAT’S A BLEAK SUNRISE

  

… It’s really boring to be in a room with somebody who you agree with about everything. Who wants to be friends with somebody who’s just like you?” Anthony Bourdain

…“To sit alone or with a few friends, half-drunk under a full moon, you just understand how lucky you are; it’s a story you can’t tell. It’s a story you almost by definition, can’t share. I’ve learned in real time to look at those things and realize: I just had a really good moment.” Anthony Bourdain

  

…“Why do I read?

I just can't help myself.

I read to learn and to grow, to laugh

and to be motivated.

I read to understand things I've never

been exposed to.

I read when I'm crabby, when I've just

said monumentally dumb things to the

people I love.

I read for strength to help me when I

feel broken, discouraged, and afraid.

I read when I'm angry at the whole

world.

I read when everything is going right.

I read to find hope.

I read because I'm made up not just of

skin and bones, of sights, feelings,

and a deep need for chocolate, but I'm

also made up of words.

Words describe my thoughts and what's

hidden in my heart.

Words are alive--when I've found a

story that I love, I read it again and

again, like playing a favorite song

over and over.

Reading isn't passive--I enter the

story with the characters, breathe

their air, feel their frustrations,

scream at them to stop when they're

about to do something stupid, cry with

them, laugh with them.

Reading for me, is spending time with a

friend.

A book is a friend.

You can never have too many.”

--Gary Paulsen

 

…“Where does all of our love go, when we once held it beating in our hand?” Paul Lynch, Prophet Song”

 

“Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.” Chuck Palahniuk

 

…“It's possible, in a poem or short story, to write about commonplace things and objects using commonplace but precise language, and to endow those things—a chair, a window curtain, a fork, a stone, a woman's earring—with immense, even startling power.” Raymond Carver

 

… When somebody's offering you food, they're telling you a story. They're telling you what they like, who they are. Presumably, it's a proud reflection of their culture, their history, often a very tough history. You turn your nose up at that important moment, the whole relationship changes, and it will never be the same.”

–Anthony Bourdain

 

…“Tell every terrible thing you’ve ever done, and let me love you anyway.” Edgar Allen Poe

 

…“The vacation gone wrong in Paris is almost always because people try to do too many things. Most of us are lucky to see Paris once in a lifetime. Please, make the most of it by doing as little as possible. Walk a little. Get lost a bit. Eat. Catch a breakfast buzz. Have a nap. Try and have sex if you can, just not with a mime. Eat again. Lounge around drinking coffee. Maybe read a book. Drink some wine. Eat. Repeat. See? It's easy.”

–Anthony Bourdain

 

… “Poetry is a life-cherishing force. For poems are not words, after all, but fires for the cold, ropes let down to the lost, something as necessary as bread in the pockets of the hungry.” Mary Oliver

 

…“In the end, we all become stories.” Margaret Atwood

 

…God only knows, where this thing could go.

 

… “The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life.” Frank Lloyd Wright

 

…“To write is to be eaten. To read, to be full.”  Natalie Díaz

 

…Joan Kwon Glass

Garland-Eating Hungry Ghosts 食鬘鬼   摩羅婆叉

How many calories 

are there in a flower? 

If I tear a chain of marigolds 

into tiny pieces will I 

feel full faster?

Now that I’m dead

do carbs count 

less? How do I

decide how much 

to eat now 

that no one 

can see me?

How do I measure 

my progress when I weigh

less than an ounce?

How many flowers

equal one brownie

in fat grams?

Where does yellow go

when we have crushed

all of the petals

between our teeth?

 

…“Sometimes you risk everything for a life worth living, even if you're not the one that'll be alive to see it.”  Cherie Dimaline

 

…“We meet saints everywhere. They can be anywhere. They are people behaving decently in an indecent society.” Kurt Vonnegut

 

…Ham on Rye, Chapter 37

 

“Then it was head to head, no boxing. 

His punches came hard and fast. 

He was more accurate, had more power, yet I was landing some hard shots too and it made me feel good. 

The more he hit me the less I felt. 

I had my gut sucked in, I liked the action. Then Gene and Dan were between us. 

They pulled us apart. 

"What’s wrong?" I asked. "Don't stop this thing! I can take him!"

"Cut the shit, Hank," said Gene. "Look at yourself."

--Charles Bukowski

 

…“Who wouldn’t travel, if they could? It’s unthinkable to me. Who wouldn’t want to enjoy different, new sensations, especially when the world is filled with so much great stuff? I like new things. I like to feel good. I like learning about stuff. It makes me happy. I like being wrong about stuff.” Anthony Bourdain