—I’M JUST TRYING TO HOLD UP  

  

…I think I may have the brightest blood in the world. My nose keeps seeping and I keep dabbing at it (see photo above.) It may just be my crazy imagination, but those red smears are like cloud patterns to me. There’s a seagull, The Pentagon, and a question mark. What do you think?

 

…It only takes sixty seconds, two heartfelt lines, to make someone’s day brighter, so let’s do it.

 

…I’ve never wanted to blow my nose more in my life. I think I’ve got at least 12 Samsonite suitcases in there. (Sorry if that’s TMI.)

 

…“I think, as poets, we are in the odd position of constantly defending our art form. Which is funny and also sort of invigorating, too. No one really says, "Oh, you're a lawyer? I've never understood the law. In fact, I kind of hate it." Or, "Oh, you wait tables? I didn't know that was something people did." I say it can be invigorating because, on some level, we have to evaluate what we do and why we do it almost daily. We have to explain ourselves to people all the time. We have to say, "Yes, I am a unicorn, believe in me." Ada Limon

 

…If I know one thing, it’s that there’s a lot of bad TV out there, but some people seem to like it. Chicago Med for example.

 

…The two biggest words in the world are I promise.

 

…Fruit flies—not sure why God created them

 

…I’ve got the demon laughing in my ear again, sweet as Tuesday Weld, smoking a spent Tareyton.

 

…There’s no hard feeling, no bad vibes.

 

…Even the bad days are good ones.

 

…“The rejection you get while you’re trying to learn to be yourself is insane.” Sydney Sweeny

 

…Posthumous Mac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrEEiS6lQHo&list=PLBB02CB85AFE2A582&index=4

 

…“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.”— Colette

 

…Lizzy McAlpine – Pancakes For Dinner

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rIH5Akx6zI

 

…It’s another quiet ending over here.

 

—I’M LIKE AN EXIT AWAY.  YEP.

  

…Dear Diary, here we are again, and I’m grateful that this is happening, no matter the fall-out.

 

…I’m an ugly man, as you can well see by the photos up above. 

It looks like I was in a brutal fight, though I have never been in a fight in my life, except for those ass-whippings from my brothers, or my mother.

Or maybe I look like a serial-killer. You can decide. (No judgment here.)

 

…If I had another child, a girl, I would like nothing more than to name her Wednesday, after my favorite day of the week, of the month, of the year.  

Or probably, Yeva.

 

…I bitch a lot here, I know I know I know, but still, it feels very good to be here, and I’m grateful.

 

…How much can someone forgive you until it’s all done? I mean, you can only hear, "I'm sorry," so many times. Right?

...I've been told that I'm a very bad patient, and by all accounts, that is very truthful information. 

...And I know I scare too easily, but it's been that way my whole life.

 

…“I swear to God, some people really get off on their grief.” Dead to Me

 

…I’m not someone who can be left alone.

 

…Why do I feel guilty when I laugh?

 

…Luck feels like such an insufficient word.

 

…“In case something bad happens to me,” what does that even mean? 

 

…These are all questions meant for Jay.

 

…I hate it when I get anxious and don’t know why. But maybe I’ve been anxious my whole life. Like, on occasion, I’ll drive over the 405 and 520 bridges and I’ll be driving 30 mph, with everyone else honking and/or yelling at me, and I'll only get more anxious, but then yesterday I drove them both just fine, not a worry at all, though my blood was definitely pumping and I was worried AF.

 

…I probably lose a lot of circles, peddling this late at night.

 

…If I were you, I wouldn’t open with that.

 

…That last thing I wrote was supposed to make you feel so much better, but I see now, that it became the opposite, as always.

 

 …I’m not sure what’s going on, but that’s a song for another time.

 

…I’m “incredibly brilliant” and then I’m not, not at all. Then I’m a creep. Then I’m a bad son/friend/ writer/critic. The Jekyll and Hyde of that leaves me spiralling, and if I’m being honest, all I do is believe the bad stuff.

Just tell me I’m no good, and leave it at that. I’ll believe you then, for sure. Sure.

 

…You ever have someone important in your life, and you should be able to trust them, be honest with them, but you’re afraid to, because shit might explode?

 

…My YouTube is bewildered, and I don’t blame it. I went Cole Swindell, Olivia Newton-John, Kendrick Lamar, Sylvan Esso, Alicia Keyes, Rage Against the Machine, to Wolf Alice, then The Partridge Family. They don't know what to make of me, but does anyone?  

 

…I could never see tomorrow. No one said a word about the sorrow.

 

…Inflection is always the tell-tale. Like, “I love you,” or better yet, omission and playdown, “Love ya.” 

 

…Coulda been blind, coulda been dead, but hopefully I’ll smell again.
 

…Cry when it hurts. Laugh when it’s funny. Chase after the dream, not the money.

 

…Who knew that blowing your nose could cause such a catastrophe?

 

…I give Thanks and Thanks and Thanks.

 

…Yeah, we might be a candle in the wind, but let’s pretend we’re Brown-eyed girl, Sweet Carolina.

 

…The best rapper alive today slays it with this sexy groove:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY_gPQEuAqI

 

…“So, you’re actually going to let yourself know how you feel?”

…“We’ll see.” 

Dead to Me 

 —I’M GOING TO GET INSPIRED, DON’T NEED TO BE THIS TIRED

  

… Dear Diary, I am so sorry for the forthcoming gibberish. Truly.

 

…Woke up at 2 am yesterday. Everything was black, black, black and even blacker than that for hours. 

Sometimes I actually like it, being up when everyone’s not. But around five in the afternoon, it always really kicks my ass.

 

…”Gabrielle” by Brett Eldredge always gets me.

 

…I think trust and safety are the most important ingredients to any relationship, and they’re both hard to come by.

 

…In the wrong light, everything looks worse.

 

…Big day tomorrow, I think, I hope.

 

…Thinking back at the height of the pandemic now feels a bit like slicing a very important vein.

 

…Ken Meech, I hardly knew him, but he died at 63, nonetheless... 

 

…What do you do with a 62-year-old man who doesn’t think he is, who believes he’s still 16 or 9?

 

…What’s it mean when you get more Junk mail than real mail?

 

…Never get a Rex Orange County song stuck in your head, or it will never leave.

 

…I still think this is the greatest masterpiece I’ve ever seen/heard…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7_jYl8A73g

 

…Sometimes when I write something that I think has potential, or is deeply personal, it’s as if I’ve left a trail of my blood all over the keyboard.

 

…Someone’s got an answer somewhere.

 

…If you don’t believe anything someone says, isn’t that the same as calling them a liar, like repeatedly?

 

…And I could blame everything on you. At least you know that’s what I’m good at…

 

…I need some new shoes. How about you?

 

…I know I can’t keep going on like nothing’s wrong, yet I do.

 

…When I need an antidote to the blue, after I’ve played one too many sad songs, this is my go-to for trying to upright the ship…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4WakhVy-RI

 

…Each night and day, I watch the waves, but they never watch me back. They’ve got better things to do.

 

…This is not how I expected things to go.

 

…I guess we all lose a lot of friends along the way, but it’s never very fun.

 

…She had me at Heads California…

 

…I wish I didn’t need it, but I do.

 

…Maybe there’s a better way to do this.

 

…Most times I think, “Fuck. John was just 50.”  F  i  f  t  y.  I mean, how is that even fair?

 

…For a while I went to this church I really loved because the pastor seemed flawed and real. At the one-year anniversary, he spoke on stage drinking a beer. After the Newtown massacre he said, “When people say, ‘God needed another angel,’ it makes me want to puke. God doesn’t need another fucking angel.” It’s the only time I’ve ever heard a pastor say Fuck in church. He was my hero for a time, until he wasn’t. 

 

…Paint a wall, learn to dance, call your mom, buy a boat, drink a beer, sing a song… 

 

…You should see my office. Dayammmm.

 

…“When you believe in someone, you can change their world, you can change their future.” David Ortiz at his Hall of Fame induction

 

…I keep hanging up pictures of the past to block out the sun, and there’s probably something wrong with that.

 

…I pay pretty close attention, but I probably shouldn’t.

 

…My son and I were to go to Rainbow Kitten Surprise last Monday night, but late that afternoon it got cancelled because the lead singer needed to take a break from touring for “mental health” reasons. It was a disappointment, but good for him for taking care of himself. We should all be so self-aware.  

 

…Baby, I got a plan. Run away as fast as you can…

 

…Some things come apart a lot easier than you expect.

 

…It’s really something, to be a part of such a supportive writing community…

Len! Thank you! I've been meaning to tell you...I read your ekphrastic piece, "Colony" to my workshop participants at the Flash Fiction Festival. It's amazing as are you: https://www.ekphrastic.net/.../john-bradley-ekphrastic...

 

…These things eat at your bones and drive your young mind crazy…

 

…I listen. I just can’t seem to apply it.

 

…You’re a really good liar, but that’s okay.

 

…I usually look a little better than this, but really, I was just searching for a place to be alone.

 

…I’ve got a best friend who’s in very bad trouble and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t ever want that phone call to come.

 

...I’m happy to see a little bit more happy back in your life.

 

…This is supposed to make me feel better about myself, but sometimes it’s just the opposite.

 

…I thank the Lord there are people out there like you.

 

—I DON’T WANT YOU DRINKING ALONE

 

honey bee

 

the bees they cry themselves to sleep at night wiping their snotty faces with parchment-thin wings their compound eye weepy and starch-blue their pollen sack weightless as dust and empty as a promise unfulfilled from god they cuddle the queen when she lets them or else they hug each other tight like long-lost cousins they say a prayer they bahzzzz bahzzzz bazhzzz into each other’s ear a punctuated whisper sweet as the nectar they can no longer find

 

 

—WATCHING WHITE BIRDS GRAZE THE HEDGE

 

 

After Billy Rapes Me

 

I’m pinned to the floor, jagged edge of a broken bottle breathing on my throat like a python, and when he, sweaty, shook and bouncy, says, “Tell, and next time I’ll do it,” I try to say I won’t, but the lie gets stuck there, like a stone meant to drown me in a swamp, like a truth I’ll swallow, day after day, after day, after day, after day.

  

—AM ALL THE WAY OVER THE PAIN? NOT YET, BUT THE SUN KEEPS COMING UP, BABY, AND I’M STILL BREATHING

 

 

Reap

 

Time, on your tongue, must taste like acid, or arsenic, as you slow-swirl it in a bitter glob across your molars. It’d be okay, if it wasn’t creative non-fiction. We’ve only months and weeks left, yet you keep punching holes into everything until it all seems fabricated, like a toupee, Gulliver’s Travels, or a trapdoor with an itchy spring under the rug. 

But didn’t I kiss you like the world was formed just for us? And didn’t you kiss me back with a tremor in your throat? Didn’t that all matter more than any kiss, more than what we’re both regretting now, as The Reaper takes two steps forward?

 

 —THE BOOK OF LOVE IS LONG AND BORING 

 

saved

 

it’s a little bit of bliss 

spooning while hail hits the roof like

ten thousand caffeinated woodpeckers 

and look at us we’re nineteen or ninety-nine 

and your skin still shimmies and whispers

as it did when it first hit my lips and oooh it

makes me want to sing you the book of love

makes me want to make up for all my failures

makes me want to copyright your too-long

chin your smile and moxie

just look at us our sad skins sagging so tender together 

our silly squabbles drawing us to center 

the groans and destress getting dressed 

a matter for another day time and year

so why should we not fold in the crescent moon tonight

i’ll hold you as close as i ever have 

your heart beating against my chest like 

a carrier pigeon baring a note 

that’s meant to be read savored and saved

 —HONESTY, IS SUCH A LONELY WORD

 

  

Heartstopper

 

 

Everything without you is just awful.

 

Do you ever feel like you’re doing things just because everyone else does it?

 

I was born to kill aliens.

 

It worked for a while, until I just wanted to die.

 

Maybe I’m over-thinking it.

 

Maybe I just do ruin other people’s lives.

 

I get it; it’s just me.

 

Sometimes the loneliness is just absurd.

 

I’m just, I’m just sorry.

 

I should have been looking out for you.

 

I blurted out “yes” because I didn’t know how to say “no.”

 

I wish I would have met you when I was younger.

 

It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.

But you just saw me.

 

There’s no crying, because this is my birthday.

 

You don’t have to figure it all out right now.

 

It’s a good suggestion, though.

My life's way better because I met you. You're my favorite person.

 

Kissing you was one of the main things on my list.

 

Can we talk about something else?

 

Can I kiss you here, right now?

Yes, please.

 

This is one of my best days ever.

 

—FUNNY, BUT IT SEEMS THAT IT’S THE ONLY THING TO DO

  

Colony

  

He’d run out of people to trust, even himself, a boy moon-pale and skittish, the walls between rooms in their home cut so thin it was like being in a single chamber of circus chaos, calamity and danger, but the rabbits outside, they were trusting sorts, famished for not only food, but any kind of sustenance or attention, and what began as a few spare leaves nibbled down on afternoons turned into a ritual of mutual respect, the boy and these animals, so curious they were with their questions about what it was like to be human and free and so utterly rich without even knowing it, and after some months had passed the boy asked his own questions and the rabbits answered what they could, and when he asked if he could be one of them, the bunnies tittered until they understood he meant it, and the bravest of the colony took the boy’s hand, took him to the opening of the hole out back in the vast meadow, asked, “Can you see yourself down there forever?” and without answering, the boy slid down the hole, his laughter echoing back to them, booming with so much joy that the rabbits began to dance.

 

—WHEN IT HURTS THIS BAD, YOU KNOW IT MATTERS

 

“Music is probably the only real magic I have encountered in my life. There’s not some trick involved with it. It’s pure and it’s real. It moves, it heals, it communicates and does all these incredible things.” Tom Petty 

 

“The opposite of play isn’t work, it’s depression.” Stuart Brown

 

“Help is the sunny side of control.” Anne Lamott 

  

“Around us, life bursts with miracles—a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, laughter, raindrops. If you live in awareness, it is easy to see miracles everywhere. Each human being is a multiplicity of miracles. Eyes that see thousands of colors, shapes, and forms; ears that hear a bee flying or a thunderclap…..When we are tired and feel discouraged by life’s daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles, but they are always there.” Madeleine L’Engle

  

“It’s scary to live with uncertainty, to live without closure or conclusion." Ryan Meeks

 

“You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” Mary Oliver

 

“I think if you’re really honest with yourself, life usually gives you what you want.” HIMYM

 

When I began to listen to poetry, it's when I began to listen to the stones, and I began to listen to what the clouds had to say, and I began to listen to others. And I think, most importantly for all of us, then you begin to learn to listen to the soul, the soul of yourself in here, which is also the soul of everyone else.
—Joy Harjo

 

“It costs $0.00 to remind someone they aren’t alone in this world.” Robyn Field

 

“Children are the light at the end of the tunnel. Even when parenting feels like the long dark tunnel, they are the light.” Aaron Giblreath

"I've seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives." Tracy Chapman

“Write as thought nobody’s watching, because nobody’s watching.” Dan Brown

 

“It’s easy to latch onto the answer.” Ryan Meeks

 

—YOUR GUITAR, IT SOUNDS SO SWEET AND CLEAR

 

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

 

this despair wears

slow skates 

carving circles from its 

own gutted gloom 

I ogle like a 

toddler transfixed 

or a rabid zombie

until it makes me 

so dizzy I puke up

scarves of chartreuse

there’s no baby and

no twins and no you

I knew that yesterday

knew that today

it’s tomorrow that

wants me dead

because the sun’s

supposed to be shining

bright and lofty

covering every free 

speck of earth like

the color of grace

 

—HAVEN’T WE BOTH GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO?

  

…“We laugh when we have cried enough.” Sally Reno

 

…Concede nothing. But reject nothing either. Just listen, and maybe we’ll all get along a little better.

 

…We live in the best times ever, no matter what the naysayers say.

 

…Things are never as simple as they seem to the other person who’s not in the situation.

 

…Sometimes one of the best things you can do to cheer yourself up is to pretend.

 

…Sometimes I drink in secret, and sometimes it’s not a secret at all.

 

…“I came out at a time where there we 12 blondes on my label. I was like, ‘Okay, here we go—Bitch better stand out somehow.” Miranda Lambert

 

…No matter what happens today, someone’s out there, crushing grapes, turning them into wine.

 

…I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet.

 

…Sometimes you’re a slave to the letters, and other times the letters do the enslaving.

 

…I always get nervous when I see a locked door.

 

…“The stage is empty. How do you fill it? With music.” Max Ritvo

 

…It’s only complicated if you think it is.

 

…None of us ever make it to the end.

 

…A group of rhinos is called a “crash.”

 

…A sneeze ravels out of your mouth at over 100mph.

 

…Some days the demons win. But if you wake up, there’s always tomorrow.

 

…I don’t think we’re going to be able to figure this out without some help.

 

…Try the tangerines. They’re delicious.

 

…I had no idea this was even possible.

 

…You’re right: Being sorry doesn’t really do any good.

 

“—Something’s wrong with you.”

“—I know, but I’m working on it.”

“—How hard?”

“—What’s your definition of hard?”

 

…What I usually get is, “Wow, that’s really fucking dark.”

 

…“What is the point of life, if everything you want to do is bad for you?” Ozark

 

…“There’s nothing lonelier than a party.” BoJack Horseman

 

…“I don’t hate you, but it would be so much easier if I did.” Sex Education

 

…“Good for you. All I learned from my parents was breaking and entering.” Ozark

 

…I’ve got a journal of bad dreams you’d rather not read about.

  

…You and me could write a bad romance.

 

…“Express everything you like. No word can hurt you. Not being able to express an idea or word will hurt you more. Like a bullet.” Jamaica Kincaid

 

…I’m a neat person. I like things orderly. However, for some reason, that doesn’t apply to my office. Hence, I spent the week cleaning it and weeding through mounds of books and way, way, more mounds scribbles on pages that I must have once thought were good lines for a piece, but now seem, well, just insipid.

It’s messed with my confidence, for sure.

 

…Apparently, I spend a lot of time writing about the moon, and without using the right words.

 

…Everything beautiful wants to die in a hurry. 

 

…You want my advice? Don’t take my advice.

 

…Ain’t no doubt about it, we were doubly blessed.

 

…“Love doesn’t keep score.” Marty Byrd

 

…If you’re right about that karma stuff, I have a great week coming to me.

 

…Sorry, but what was the question again?