…(this is a song I didn’t want to write.)

…It’s pretty great to have a best friend in the whole world. It makes you feel really grateful every morning, even if it ends up being one of those rare days you don’t actually communicate.

...I lost my sense of smell a while ago. But for some reason, Eucalyptus is something I can still get a hint of, from time to time.

  …“The apparition of these faces in the crowd; 

         Petals on a wet, black, bough.” 

                 -- Ezra Pound, 1913

…I hope there are balloons where you are, like hot air balloons. It’s pretty amazing when you look up in the sky and see them hanging there.

…This is long, so take a pass if you’ve got a lot of stuff shaking. I watched the whole thing through four times, though, so far:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UAe9ux2RXc&list=RD3UAe9ux2RXc&start_radio=1

(Pinkpop is the longest-running continuous annual pop and rock music festival in the world, held every year in Landgraaf, Netherlands.)

…You have the keys. Yeah, you do. Open any door you want. Maybe there’s a new room you haven’t been in.

…I almost never do this, but I went back and edited half of what you’re reading here. I realized, pretty clearly, that no one likes a needy, grouchy fuck.

…It feels good to be kind instead of bitter.

…So, it’s Friday, and most people, generally speaking, love Friday because it signals the upcoming weekend. Everyday around here is Friday, or Wednesday, or Tuesday to me, so it doesn’t matter. But I’m happy for you, that you’re about to get a break from the rush of the week.

… Like most of us, I’ve spent a good part of the week thinking about her a lot, trying to figure out why she mattered so much, why her sudden absence feels so colossal and devastating.

I think it’s because—in my lifetime at least—Dolly Parton was the closest any of us ever got to seeing Jesus in the flesh, even if it was on screen or in the back row of a concert.

Whether you believe in Jesus or God or not, she was the living embodiment of that idea—grace, goodness, and hope.

Even my mother, who I often felt was Satan’s fraternal twin, loved Dolly like no other.

It would be nice to live in a country again where these words were true and felt by all of us…

“I have some of everybody in my own immediate family and in my circle of employees. I’ve got transgender people. I’ve got gays. I’ve got lesbians. I’ve got drunks. I’ve got drug addicts—all within my own family. I know and love them all, and I do not judge.” Dolly Parton

 

,..I’d like to be that guy in the band, in the video(s), who never shows his face. I’d like to be that selfless…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlcfgoTRtUQ

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJnAWZNBZ6o&list=RDaJnAWZNBZ6o&start_radio=1

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIEKXjHgSbs&list=RDaJnAWZNBZ6o&index=2

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seeYCad3kf4&list=RDaJnAWZNBZ6o&index=3

 

…Pinkie Swear.

 

…So far, today feels like a good day to be alive. (But I’m only writing this--right now this second--on a Wednesday.)

 

...Clearly, it’s not that simple. This kid has been here for three hours so far, and he’s not at all conversational, which is a good thing on many fronts.

 

…Sweet Hallelujah, it blows my mind every time. 

…“I fight pain, anxiety, and fear every day, and the only method I have found that relieved my illness is to continue creating art.” Yayoi Kusama (RIP) (She's pictured above today's title slide.)

...“There are a lot of angry dogs around here.”

...The right poem, at the right time, can solve a lot of ills.

…The good news is the internet is out. It’s hard to cause too much trouble when you don’t have wi-fi.

...Strippers? Are you fucking kidding me?

…I think the only exception I’d make is for Royel Otis or Sam Fender.

…I’m not a big fan of aging. I got a haircut yesterday and did something I never do while getting shorn—I actually looked in the mirror. Big mistake. I looked like an elderly grandfather with a bib tied around them and instead of catching food it was catching bits of hair. 

…I wouldn’t mind looking like a grandfather if I could actually have grand kids.

…Everyone says, “You never know; they could change their mind.” The thing is; I do know. They’re never changing their mind.

…Still, I could lose my mind.

…It was awfully blustery yesterday. I definitely saw Dorothy and Toto flying by.

…I hope you’re tired of it, because I sure am. I’m over and done, but I feel okay and you should, too.

 …“Lake America.” What a stupid fucking child.

…However, I did like when someone from Canada said they might change Lake Ontario’s name to “Lake Epstein Files.” 

…“Donald Trump was mentioned more than 38,000 times in the latest batch of Epstein files, according to a New York Times review of the Justice Department's Friday public release.

…“People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to be become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.” James Baldwin

…Is there any reason? Is it all just a lie?

…I think I might have doubled up. I do that more than I should—order twice the amount I actually wanted or needed.

…You can pick your devils but you can’t pick your angels--they choose you.

…In the words of Taylor Swift (who I will always vigorously defend) here’s what I told myself more than a few times this week: “You need to calm down.”

…“She slept so hard, even the accident didn’t wake her up.” Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out of Carolina

...I had that dream again, where I've parked my car in high-rise lot and don't remember the floor, so I keep walking aimlessly for hours, up and down, up and down.

...Who gets a "Ding" for walking aimlessly? 

...The thing is, I don't care, whatsoever, if anyone understands what I say on Fridays. The ones who should, will.

...It's not a very attractive thing to mention, but I generate a lot of mucus, for whatever reason.

…Tomorrow could be a good day to begin anew.

...There's definitely no one in the world up right now.

…My band teacher in junior high (I played drums, sort of) had a pageboy haircut, parted down the middle, with John Lennon eyeglasses and balloon-sleeve shirts, diagonally striped pants, and ankle boots. I’m pretty sure he was stoned everyday he taught. Mr. Greenwood was his name. Isn’t it amazing how you remember your teachers, even after decades and decades?  

…A miracle mile. Where does it lead to?

...You can't nap forever, until you can.

...I'm most definitely going to need a nap today.

…Maybe you can mix in a blink or two so I know you’re not A.I.

…If you don’t have regrets, you’re not living. And if you have regrets, you’re probably not living hard enough. 

…I’m going to be living pretty hard in about, oh, ten days.

…It’s always about the ending, so let’s end with this:

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/die-on-the-road-not-in-hospital-chinese-man-takes-paralyzed-wife-on-epic-road-trip/

 

—IT’S NOT THAT FAR BUT SOMEHOW OUT OF REACH

 

Untitled

 

You pinched our 

last pin 

of light out 

so casually

so tactfully 

as if you’d rehearsed 

the end for years 

but never told me

Maybe it’s better this way

the absence of color 

suffused with the onslaught of dark

I might have stood up to applaud if

you hadn’t buzz-sawed my legs off at the knees

 

So this morning 

I took every knife out 

from the drawers 

lined them up like good little soldiers 

or children who need to be taught 

to do better

I scolded them as you would and 

beat a few about the head 

or handle

It felt both evil and beautiful 

to have such command 

to damage something so belligerently 

For a few seconds 

I almost understood why 

you always looked skyward

during the carnage

 —I’M RATING YOU FIVE STARS

  

Cards

 

      The guy in the card section of the supermarket has beads of sweat dotting his forehead, an oily ellipse dripping to his chin, disheveled gray hair, his breathing wonky, forced, like a lion who’s missed its kill.

      “It’s our anniversary tomorrow,” he says, over his shoulder, not looking or even acknowledging me while I stand inches away, his voice a coffee grinder almost out of battery life.

      “We’ll be three years tomorrow,” I say, because I feel naked, fully dressed in this store, but I have to say something.

      “Kids. That’s cute. That’s how it starts out.”

      I lean toward the shelf but then arch back. Everything feels uneven. “Um, how it starts?”

      “Have lots. Have five kids at least,” he says, still without ever turning, his Roostertail hair staring back at me like a finger pointing.

      “So, I’m just trying to get her a card, you know?” I say.

      “Pick the best one you can find, the words only matter if they matter to you, but when you get home, spritz it with your cologne. Make it authentic. Fuck all the commercial bullshit.”

      “Huh?”

      “Leave it under her pillow, or if she’s a tough sleeper, leave it on the bathroom counter by her toothbrush so it’s what she sees first thing.”

      “Well, thanks, thank you for the advice.”

      “I just found the one I need.”

      “A card? What’s it say, if I can be so bold to ask?”

      He finally looks at me, a gleam of yellow-orange light in his left eye. “Ha. It’s poetry man. It’s what saves your life when you don’t think you can make it, even if you don’t get the point.”

      I don’t want to squirm, but I do. I shiver up and down in the aisle of the supermarket like an eel that really has to pee before finally asking, “Yeah, okay, I guess, but what does it say? The card you selected?”

      “Who cares? It’s poetry. It’s only ever crows and robins at the cemetery.”

      “What?”

      “If my wife was still alive, I’d skip the whole card thing and just try to write her a poem. She’d laugh about how bad it was. She’d laugh from the gut, like a sailor. But, yeah, if she was still here, I’d write her a poem. Fuck these cards.”

 

—RUN, BABY, RUN

 

…Friday is the best day to start your weekend, or so I’ve been told.

…This isn’t what I had in mind, though.

…It was never a contest, but I think I enjoyed every moment a lot more than you ever did.

…Time, is no friend of mine.

…A few things I really don’t like—walking over any bridge, driving over any bridge, tomatoes, flakey people, onions, cottage cheese, Satan and genocide.

…“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” Maya Angelou

…I finally sent the book off Wednesday. Cross your fingers for me.

…I swear, I’ll get there as soon as I can.

…That guy just got a job, and that other guy just lost his. It’s kind of sad how that works.

…Gotta make the most while the clock’s still ticking.

 

--We’re talking 1,300 children.

--So, your measurement stick is the number of children abused by a guy, not just some guy abusing one or two?

…How did I get here and how I am I still even here?

…You can understand, right, how I’ll never again believe anything else you ever say?

…Those shoes are awfully quiet.

…Red, red wine.

…No, no, no. It’s art, what we do. Even if no one recognizes it as such.

…You know what I’m going to do right now?

…There’s always a work-around anymore, you just have to know which one it is.

…The thing I’ve noticed a lot lately is, everyone’s so young.

…I’ve never been good at shaking hands, though my hands often shake too much.

…So you think it’s that simple, do you?

…I set all my regrets on fire cause I know I’ll never take the time to unpack my missteps

…“You see shit every day that makes you feel like you should be more successful, have more money, have this, have that, whatever the fuck it is, but it’s not reality. Because when do you stop?” Ben Simmons

…Sometimes you think you can get it back, but you can’t, no way.

…It’s Murphy’s Law. There’s nothing to be done about it.

…What I’ve found is that if you don’t write it down, it doesn’t mean anything.

…I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

…On second thought, I should probably get that button fixed, right?

…“You don’t look so great yourself.”

…You know it’s just a movie, right?

…Huh, that’s weird, or is it just me?

 

--Who are you trying to be today?

--I thought I’d be me.

--Is that a good idea?

--Yeah, you're right. Probably not.

…I’m not sure what normal is anymore.

…In case you’re wondering, this is what 2 a.m. looks like.

…If you see me on Monday, treat me like a pooch—just pat my head and don’t say anything.

…We can always mourn, come Wednesday.

…Really? Seriously? I need an AFIB alert, first thing, this early?

…“Shut up. Just keep reading.”

…I hope I marked up the right pages.

…You have to be very careful with exclamation marks. They call a lot of attention to themselves, like some people I know.

…But everything is relative.

…“Never open your life jacket on the plane.”

…Love your babies—they’re all you’ve got.

…I love animals and dogs a LOT. But it’s hard to love a bulldog. I’m not sure how so many people do it.

…They say I’m unappealing when I shoot my shot.

…Let’s just let it sit and settle a bit. Then we’ll decide.

…I’m going to go ahead and carry the weight this time, all the way across the finish line.

 

 

…National debt crosses $40 trillion

The U.S. national debt crossed $40 trillion on Tuesday, according to newly released data from the Treasury Department.

…In the past 40 years, 20 presidents have amassed $200 million their entire time in office while Trump has made over $2 Billion in 500 days.

… News Alert: Trump announces ‘most crushing economic operation ever’ against Iran

(Then why did he start a war? And why did he start a war when he swore a year ago he’d “obliterated” Iran’s total nuclear arsenal?)

How do people stand this guy's fucking bullshit?  

… TX Gov Abbott attacks Muslim airport stations

Legal experts say his attack fits a pattern of anti-Muslim actions and rhetoric.

(Why does this matter, what Muslims do or don't do? Do you not have bigger problems to solve in your state? I can name a dozen off the top of my head. This is just total bigotry.)

 …ICE begins deporting Haitians who lost TPS

Community leaders said Thursday’s removal flight was one of the largest they had seen and included people who were detained in recent weeks.

The first deportation flight to Haiti since the Trump administration ended humanitarian protections for 350,000 people living in the United States landed Thursday in the Caribbean nation, and activists say immigration arrests are beginning to ramp up

The flight carrying 170 people, ranging in age from 19 to 71, landed in Cap-Haitien, on the northern coast of Haiti.

(That is one of the sickest things I’ve ever seen, but then again, this was just Thursday. There’s a reason they had fucking protected status, you assholes, and now you’re going to just deport 350,000 of them so ICE can reach their quota?)

…I decided to call him a monster from now on. Monsters are, by and large, quite stupid. Satan is smart. This guy is the farthest thing from intelligent—evil, sure, but dumb as fuck.

…When I read, or think, about the monster too much, I tend to swear a lot. I apologize.

…Sometimes small battles are emblematic of much bigger wars.

…There’s no chance the moon’s showing up tomorrow at noon, same as there’s no chance I’m dying after my friends do, thank God.

 

--What in the hell is wrong with you?

--No one knows, exactly.

…I always thought there’d be so much more, but you’re right—hidey ho’. 

…I’ve never watched a single episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” where I haven’t laughed. Like, NEVER. And I’ve rarely laughed less than half an hour during each episode, though each episode only runs 22 minutes, sans commercials.

 

--Is this a good idea?

--Might as well find out. 

--Will you tell me if it is?

--Nope.

--Why not?

--We’re no longer talking.

--We aren’t?

--Nope. 

--Thank God.

…I’ve got more to say, but this’ll do it for now, Amigo.

 

—I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING

 

Die Harder

 

I fell in love with a steam train because it smelled like you—oily, somewhat loose, yet determined. I road it all the way to Lancaster, window seat, jaw-to-jaw with the glass, staring at the landscape flashing by like a life lived too fast.

In the reflection, I saw us young again, your curls and skateboard dimples, smiling as if you wanted to be hugged or merely tucked in. I watched the bouquet tremble behind my back as your father sized me up, not knowing there was already something growing inside you that that we’d made beforehand.

Prior to stopping, the whistle blew an alert, but I was already gone by then, holding onto the rails like John McClane.

I died, then died harder, remembering you and us, how close we were to Heaven.

—LATELY, I REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS YOU TAUGHT ME

 …I know I know I know, it’s not fucking Friday yet.  Wait, it’s only Monday? I guess I’m jumping the gun.

…Plus, I’m the first one up again.

…We passed 6,000,000 views overnight. It’s pretty staggering and humbling to me. 

…“Len, S T O P talking.”

…That’s maybe one of my favorite things anyone has ever said to me, and coming from that guy, it means a lot.

…It feels like I’ve got a lot to say, so buckle up, Sparky.

…This wasn’t supposed to happen, but, hey, it did.

…Why do we all get fat? Why is that? I’m asking seriously.

…“Eat your Fucking Fish!”

…But what if I can’t be the strong one I’m supposed to be? What then?

…I would fix those typos if I could. You know I would. 

…The only productive things I’ve done this weekend were, floss twice, mentor a deer family, and pick a shit load of berries.

…I guess that’s life in the country.

…Boy, don’t come around here if you have any sense.

…Wouldn’t you give your heart to a friend? Think of me as friend.

…Today is going to be a long day, but it’s going to be a good one, and isn’t that such a lucky thing?

…It still feels like Lucy’s there, a foot away from my left leg, waiting to be startled awake.

…I didn’t finish my manuscript. Lazy ass. I think too much—like why does it matter?

…I lost my mouse this morning for a spell. It kind of wigged me out, because any lapse in techy stuff freaks me out. But then I just asked the ether how to get my mouse back, and like that, it told me, and she came to me.

…There are a million reasons to leave, but you just need that one to stay.

…Are you sure that’s not a shooting star?

…I’m supposed to lift today, but there are youngsters (do people still use that word?) downstairs.

…I was picking the other day, and a momma deer and two really young, scrawny fawns were chomping on the fallen apples, literally two feet from me. I talked to them and they seemed to acknowledge me. They never budged or bolted. We all felt safe. I picked berries and they kept eating. It was astonishing and pretty special.

…Can you really choose happiness? Really? Is it just that easy?

…Brevity is almost always the best option, if you’re looking for a way out.

…Someday I’m going to remember all this shit, but I’m not sure what good it’ll do me.

…Maybe I need a second cup, stronger this time.

…I guess I’m wondering what I’m guessing.

…Sometimes life is a drag. It just is. You don’t always get to choose.

,,.Have you ever seen, “Big Fish”? If not, you’ve missed out. I think about that movie all the time.

…I’m not making this up, but I think you think I am.

…Stop teasing me.

…I think it’s important to have a Zoom camera, if you can. But it’s freaky to watch these delivery guys walk right up to your front door at all hours of the night.

…“Start with a glass of water after waking up.”

…This is a contest I definitely don’t want to enter because I just might be the lucky winner out of OVER FOUR HUNDRED entries, so far-- Over 400 Contest Entries So Far!

…I think it’s okay to talk about dying if you don’t get all weird about it. It’s going to happen, so why dance around as if it’s not?

…Good luck with all of that.

…When you have a best friend who’s dead, you think about them all the time, what they’re thinking, how they’d help you out of a situation, and it makes no sense whatsoever, because they’re dead, though they’re not really.

…I’ll do that. Okay. Yeah. 

…This is brilliance, inside out, which so few have seen…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjaIB5BzJDw&list=RDCjaIB5BzJDw&start_radio=1

…Sometimes I push “Save” when I shouldn’t, and sometimes I don’t when I really need to.

…Wait, what was I just trying to do?

…You should have seen those kids, in Cosplay last night. It was total Errol Flynn Robin Hood. Utterly fantastic. Kids...

…Can I trust you? That’s always going to be my measuring stick.

…I wish I was a lightweight like you. It’d solve a lot of problems, but it’d probably create a lot more that are bubbling on the surface.

 

--Who goes to bed at 8:00? 7:30?

--Who doesn’t? 

 

…Our ideas held no water, but we used them like a dam.

…I think I did. Maybe. I don’t know.

…Technically speaking, I think I’m still winning, but just barely.

…“Feeling awesome!” Well, that’s a lie if there ever was one. 

…You look like you’ve been here before.

…I have lots of stuff I could have posted, per usual, but thanks so much for indulging me. I know I run off the rails sometimes.

…"But I did find the entire world, in looking for something. I got saved by poetry, and I got saved by the beauty of the world." Mary Oliver 

…I remember: You picked sunrises and I picked sunsets. We could talk about that, probably forever. 

…Muscle memory---that can be helpful, or that can be a bitch.  

…Time is no friend of mine.

…I swear that deer was talking to me yesterday, even if he never moved his mouth even once.

…“What about all of those apples over there?”

…Just look at those apples. Look at all of them.

…Look—I cut this off way shorter than I ever thought I could. I saved you from a lot of needless blather.