—I HOPE YOU KNOW I’LL MISS YOU BY AUGUST

 

…“I’d rather just say too much, share too much, be too much — and hope that somewhere in the mess of it, something more honest takes shape than anything I could’ve constructed on purpose.” JP Saxe

 

…No rain, no flowers.

 

…“When you have depression, it's like it snows every day. Some days it's only a couple of inches.” Anthony Bourdain

 

…Some of the things you’re supposed to do on your own are very hard to do on your own. But then some of the things you’re supposed to do with other people are really difficult to do with other people.

 

…I guess it’s a “No” then.

 

…Van Gogh painted a lot of sunflowers. I bet he was at his happiest then, with his easel and brush, because it’s pretty hard to feel sad when you’re looking at sunflowers.

 

…I never know where I go when I’m going.

 

…“We see the world very differently” is a sentence I didn’t finish, other than in my head.

 

…That might be too heavy. Yeah, it feels really heavy.

 

…Sometimes you really do need a lecture. 

 

…I swear I’m going to get to it sooner than later.

 

…People laugh when I tell them about picking blueberries, but it’s really something else. It’s not like just scooping up pearls off a conveyor belt. These bushes make you work for it, for every single berry—some bushes are twelve feet high and the berries are never all ripe at the same time, wicked branches sticking out, ready to gouge your eye if you turn around too sharp. Go ahead and laugh again, but my forearms look like I’ve just got done having a razor blade fight with a ninja.

 

…“Sometimes it's not your perspective that's off kilter; the things around you are just crooked.” Jay Halsey

 

…It’s getting a little late in the game to change your mind about that, don’t you think?

 

…You taught me how to look over my shoulder.

 

…Today looks a lot like yesterday which usually should be okay, but I’m not so sure anymore.

 

…I wonder whose job it is to decide things like Wednesday being National Root Beer Float Day. How do you even get a job like that?  

 

…If it’s getting hard to stop, it’s probably a problem.

 

…“Self-image is delicate on a good day, fragile on a bad one. As an artist, your sense of self is tangled up with your ‘brand,’ and it becomes hard to separate how you’re actually doing from how you’re perceived to be doing.

I’m scared I’m only ever as successful as I’m perceived to be. That to feel successful, I need to look successful — to my peers, my friends back home, my family, their families.” JP Saxe

 

…It’s a pissing contest between the guy I am and the man I’m supposed to be.

  

…The way you look at things is the way they tend to be.

…“For people who reach age 55, there is a 42 percent chance they will develop dementia in their lifetime.” Dr. James L. Nederlander

 

…Some of the best lessons in life are the ones that beat you to a pulp until you can barely breathe, but then you do breathe again, and you get up and ask for more and you say, "Please?"

 

…I know I'm repeating myself, but: children and puppies—there aren’t many better things in life than those.

 

…I’ve got a crescent that says I’ll be fine.

 

…“Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull.”  Rod Serling

 

…Isn’t half the purpose of having a friend so that you can feel safe with someone, be at ease and free of anxiety?

 

…It’s truly unbelievable how some people are such haters and cowards on social media, such as this example sent to one of my writer friends:

Libs R Stupid

@LibsRDumb99

@shaindel beers

 You’re a stupid bitch and your writing is ass. Your family deserves the worst and you deserve to watch.

 

…“Maybe the only way to keep living was to willingly forget large parts of the narrative of your life and then just live with what was left.” Kevin Wilson, Run For the Hills

 

…It’s a good thing WAVE changed their name to ASTOUND because ASTOUND is astoundingly bad and reliably unreliable.

  

…Everyone always wants to believe theirs is the best, which is natural, but what if yours actually is the best?

 

…The rain fell all day Wednesday and Thursday. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. 

 

…It’s only corny if you think it is.

 

…Here’s where it always gets messy.

 

…“What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains. ― Tennessee Williams

 

…Those berries aren’t going to pick themselves.

 

…I’ll be honest—I don’t even know what I’m feeling sometimes.

 

…What if it’s all a scam? What then?

 

…“Have you ever tried playing yourself. It’s pretty hard to do.” George Clooney

 

…I think the worst thing that can happen to you—something even worse than death—is having someone actually hate you.

 

…Actually is another word I use too much.

 

… I know that I have died before— 

once in November, once in June. 

How strange to choose June again, 

so concrete with its green breasts and bellies  

New York City will not mind. 

At night the bats will beat on the trees, 

knowing it all, 

seeing what they sensed all day.”

--Anne Sexton

 

…If I just leave it there long enough, it might go away. Or maybe it won’t.

 

…There are times (usually when I’m alone) where I think to myself—why does this even matter?

 

…Just stop is something I tell myself often. In my head anyway.

 

…I didn’t know what to do, so I went picking.

 

…I sometimes say things here I might never say aloud to another person.

 

…“We keep thanking each other. I suppose that’s a good sign.” LK to JH

 

…I hate to be alone. I want to be alone. 

It’s horrible when I’m alone. I love to be alone. 

I don’t trust myself when I’m alone. I’m at my very best when I’m alone. 

I sometimes get scared when I’m alone. I sometimes feel a little bit braver when I’m alone.

I’m alone right now.

 

…YOU APPEARED IN 69 SEARCHES THIS WEEK. 

  

…If I trust and love you, I’ll be an elephant friend.

 

…The key is, you have to always remember to press Save.

 

…All of my holding back is backing up.

 

…I’ve been busy making messes while making even more messes.

 

…But what if I didn’t really mean it and it’s too late now?

 

…“Silence isn’t peace. It’s pressure building behind the dam.” Michael Cohen

 

…Another actual headline, this one from Wednesday’s NY Times:

            ICE Is Ending Age Limits For Prospective Officers

Maybe we can model ourselves after ISIS and start radicalizing our kids when they reach the age of 6. We could start a new news channel called FOX NEWS JR., make our kids wear flag pins on their flag-print shirts and blouses, teach them it’s okay to lose because you can just say you didn’t, teach them how to lie and blame the other kid, teach them how to slash the bike tires of the other kid who got a better grade, grab that girl by the merry-go-round anywhere on their body they want, teach them how to love your neighbor as you would love yourself, just as Jesus said to. 

 

…It seems darker out than usual.

 

…I’m playing for an audience of one.

 

…Pete just flew by and reminded me that he’s still here, that there’s still plenty to be glad about and grateful for.

 

…You can really find a prompt anywhere, if you look and if you’re open to it.

 

…Anyway or anyways?

 

…You’ve gotta be kidding, right?

 

…If you don’t recognize yourself here, in some form, maybe it’s best that you skip on out, and I’ll still care about you, if you do.

 

…“a woman unlike myself is running

down the long hall of a lifeless house

with too many windows which open on

a world she has no language for,

running and running until she reaches

at last the one and only door”

--Lucille Clifton

 

…Is all of this making me look like an asshole? 

 

…Does this post make my butt look too big?

 

…Anyway, I wasn’t expecting company today.

—SOMETIMES DAYS MOVE SLOW

 

 

The Fire

 

I hear my son’s new girl sigh 

while walking past my office 

in the hall and I’m wondering 

what could be so troubling for her 

her 24 and loaded with the 

kind of looks and luck every person 

on the planet wishes for 

or dreams about yet she’s apparently 

exhausted or flummoxed  

or maybe troubled about something 

she dreamt because it does happen

real life jumping the curb 

just like that—a miscarriage 

an infidelity, a reckoning hanging 

on the ledge or lam— 

then getting transferred and distorted 

in your subconscious like 

a Lynch film you end up 

thinking about days afterward 

scratching your head expecting to 

find blood or some kind of boil 

yet there’s nothing but stray gray hair

I might have been that young once 

but it’s hard to say anymore

I hear them now one floor down 

sharing cereal or TikTok together

laughing about whatever it is 

that could be so hysterical unlike

the bombs that dropped again 

in Ukraine or the Texas flood 

killing all those young girls 

just out Christian-camping 

and of course I’m jealous or envious—  

the difference in those two words 

just another thing I’m unsure of— 

how they can patter on like that

as carefree as butterflies in a breeze 

though even butterflies have 

something they’re aiming for 

a leaf to land on before the fire

comes and burns their wings to ash.

 

—YOU TURN MY 6'S TO 9'S

 

Rushmore

 

We were cemetery kids 

unafraid of anything 

but our impulses or luck

like how Gordy took out every 

car windshield in our 

middle school parking lot 

that fall when it felt 

like summer cheated us again

or how Eddy used a pair of

brass knuckles them heavy 

ones that feel lighter 

than they look to beat the cousin 

his sister said raped her 

 

We drank our beers 

cold or warm it didn’t matter 

because we knew what others didn’t 

that the world was flat as a marine’s high-top

with a drop off ledge that sucks 

you off it same as a pastor talking sin 

while going on and doing 

what he did to some of us

 

And me I knew I always

blinked too much or too fast when 

they asked about my mom how 

she was feeling but never

mentioning the bruises or lost teeth 

but that’s years gone by now

before the fire and these bars 

the bare wall staring back at me

like a headstone someone made too large

like Rushmore with no faces on it

 —RABBIT, RABBIT

  

…“Everyone tries to bury their mistakes. I write mine down.” Jameela Jamil

 

…Hey, Jethro, when do you think you’ll finally get your shit together? You’re looking a little rough, though I know no one’s going to tell you that.

 

…I mean, Who else cries in their office by themselves when it’s the most beautiful day of the year?

 

…No mas is a pretty good mantra to repeat over and over when you’re not sure of anything.

 

…Listen children, all is not lost.

 

…My son looks at sunsets with the awe most men reserve for the body of a naked woman.

 

…“Aight, this bouta be my MOST autistic take to date, but hear me out; the worst part about sex is that it requires another person.” Said Shaiye

 

…When I’m lonely, stuff can feel more dangerous than it should. And I have never been a fan of danger.

 

…“It all begins with listening.” Jacob Collier

 

--“You get better if you play before a live audience, because they boo you if you suck.

--It was kind of like, ‘I’m doing well,’ so let me screw this up somehow.

--I was never really comfortable with the rest of the world.

--I said what I needed to and so he whacked me, and I thought, ‘Well, at least that finally got his attention.’

--I was struggling with something really hard and that’s how I learned life is always a struggle.” 

     –Billy Joel

 

… My son teaches me a lot and is often profound without even realizing it. For instance, during dinner before the Jacob Collier concert we attended on Wednesday night, as I was bitching about the current state of affairs, he said, “I know there’s so much despair in the world, but there’s still music, like really, really incredible music everywhere, and that keeps me feeling hopeful.”

 

…“I’ll just assume everyone is excited about a waterfall.” Sonia Greenfield

 

…Oh, God, what am I doing?

 

…I only have one left.

 

…I can be really clever when I’m feeling better.

 

…It’s kind of funny, or perverse, or ingenious, when you log onto FBK and there’s a message there that says—Len, we care about you and your Facebook memories. We thought you’d like to look back to this post from__ years ago. So, really? Like Facebook cares about me?

 

…I think I’m genuinely a nice person, but how do you really know when it’s you thinking that?

 

…“Wake up on a stranger side of bed now. Walk the streets before dawn in relative safety. Find a comfortable aesthetic." Jay Halsey 

 

…I could really use a wakeup call right now.

 

…Maybe I should try for a nap.

 

…We’re never going to get it perfect, but it seems important to keep trying. 

 

…“The main thing is curiosity. A lot of times, as a scientist, you have to remember to be like a beginner. Becoming an expert kind of narrows your vision, but a beginner’s perspective is always open to things you didn’t quite realize before.” Lorenz Bartolucci, PhD

 

…Road, road, roadways, move along.

 

…It’s impossible to make everyone happy. Sometimes that’s even yourself.

 

…“I’m just a traveler eating up my traveling time.” The Bear

 

…Unless you’re on the moon, or in Vegas, there’s always a clock somewhere.

 

…“Worrying about people, and people worrying about you, is really all we’ve got.” The Bear

 

…Let’s get through this. Let’s push again. Push.

 

…You look good. Are you good?

 

…I feel like a stranger in most places, but I never feel like one here, even when people call me out.

 

…You have to be careful with excuses.

 

…I’m sorry. I wish I could say something other than I’m sorry every other sentence in my head. 

 

…Maybe I scared a few people off. Maybe that’s okay. I think so. It’s not about them, if they don’t want it to be.

 

…Are you hiding out in there? Yeah? Well, scoot over, please. Leave me a warm spot.

 

…“So you thought you didn’t deserve it, is that what you’re saying?” --Someone

 

…“God, you were always such a prick.” –Someone else

 

…When did that happen? Really, I don’t remember.

 

…Hook me up if you think I’m worth the trouble.

  

…When you’re a parent, you have a role to play and uphold. It’s easy to forget that when everyone’s older. And, yeah, there’s some pressure under all of it.

 

…Dear LLYNN, We found 6 violent crimes in your area this week:

 

…It’s really hard for me not to laugh when someone writes the word “kerfuffle.”

 

…“Men often wanted Joni Mitchell to be a wife, a muse, a siren, or a star. Instead, they got a genius." The New York Times

 

…The things that hold true are rare, and they’re the ones that cling to you, as you should to them.

 

…It’s your life, right?

 

…Okay, hands off.

 

…When you remember we’re all just that kid, still that nine-year-old in our head, it changes your perspective about how you see and hear and view things. It makes it a lot easier to commiserate or forgive others. We’re all just that kid inside our head.

 

…I honestly don’t know how not to be appalled. It feels like a test, or something.

 

…“I don’t deserve what you have and I want to keep it that way.” Charles Bukowski

 

…I’m just trying to hang around and make the end somehow interesting.

 

…It’s pretty easy to just say, “Don’t be afraid of the dark.”

 

…I’ll get back to you on that.

 

…Hey, Sparky, be careful.

 

…Little Blue, I love you, but I wish you’d leave me alone. I mean, like, for good. Like forever.

 

…Good luck with that.

 

…I think things would be different if people really paid attention. I really do.

 

…“I can't even enjoy a blade of grass unless I know there's a subway handy, or a record store or some other sign that people do not totally regret life. It's more important to confirm the least sincere. The clouds get enough attention as it is.” Frank O'Hara,

 

…You can only wait at the stoplight for so many hours before you have to drive on through.

 

…It feels like I’ve spent the second half of my life glomming onto other’s good fortune, but really I‘ve just been trying to survive and give back more love than I’ve received.

 

…Maybe I need to get a restraining order against myself.

 

…I only get like this on Fridays, or maybe Wednesdays, definitely not Mondays, because that day doesn’t like me very much.

 

…You can’t expect everyone to understand. It doesn’t work that way.

 

… “Growth is scary, because you’re a seed and you’re in the dark and you don’t know which way is up, and down might take you down further into a darker place.”  Tom Waits

 

 …Do you really not care? Because it seems like you do. It seems like you care a lot.

 

...“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated and promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.” Sylvia Plath

 

…It’s good to be alive. It’s a privilege, but sometimes what’s happening here doesn’t make any sense at all, and so being alive feels a lot less-than it should.

 

…I wish I had a Sylvia Plath, a busted tooth and a smile. 

 

…I think I know what you’re thinking.

 

…I’m afraid I could live this way forever.

 

…The good news, or bad news, depending upon how you view it, is it’s going to play again. 

 

…Picking berries the other day, the neighbor was using his backhoe, moving dirt and stumps and whatnot, and I kept remembering when the neighbor one door over from him, did he same thing, which sent an ancient cedar tree toppling all the way into our yard, taking down phone and power lines, trashing blueberry bushes and setting the rain-soaked lawn on fire. I kept waiting for a tree to fall and crush me. It made me really think about if I’m ready to die or not.

 

…I don’t know how Stevie Nicks can bark so much, for as long as she does, but I admire her stamina.

 

…I started a joke...

 

—"THAT’S LIFE,” THAT’S WHAT ALL THE PEOPLE SAY

 

I Miss Terry Kath

 

I find my doppelgänger 

crouched under a peach tree 

staring at earthworms 

peeking up through the 

damp lawn. He looks skinny,

confused and forlorn like a 

caterpillar with nowhere to burrow. 

I ask, “Do you like Chicago?” 

and he says, “You mean the band?” 

and I say, “How’d you know I 

meant that and not the city?” 

and he says, “I miss Terry Kath,” 

and I say “No one remembers 

him anymore,” and he says, “I know,” 

and I say, “Maybe Mom could be that way,” 

and he says (…) and I say, “For our sake,”

and he says, “But she’s right here,” 

and I say “What? Where?” and he says, 

“Under the soil,” and I say, 

“You’re fucking with me, right?” 

and he says, “No, man, she‘s looking 

at me right now,” and I say, 

“That’s impossible, you 

were always a terrible liar,”

and he says, “She’s smiling again.”

—IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CRY, I’LL DO IT FOR YOU

 

 

Selfie for My Wife

 

I took a selfie 

in my gear gun 

boots and camo

sitting on the sacks 

of food cracked open 

like knife wounds 

short swells of rice 

dribbling out in the 

shot like a blur of 

ice or falling snow 

here in the Gaza blaze 

carcasses strewn behind

the aid truck and pallets

while overhead a smudge 

of birds hovered sideways 

looking frantic and starved