—IT’S FIVE O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE

 

 

Thirty-four Ounces

 

 

--First, let me ask you, are you presently anxious?

--Of course, I am. I am all the time.

--What about?

--If I knew, I don’t think I’d be anxious.

--Are you being a Smart Ass now?

--I’m not smart enough to be a Smart Ass.

--That’s exactly the kind of thing a Smart Ass always says.

--(…)

--You realize that this is just to get us started, right? Finding out what the real, root issue is?

--When a person has this many problems, they’re like potatoes buried in dirt, it’s easy to dig one up. 

--That also sounds sort of Smart Ass to me. Do you even want help?

--Hey, no, look, I’m sorry. Truly. 

--What then?

--You know, well, if you can figure out how to stop the shaking, and if you could help me smell a flower, even one, I’d be very grateful.

--Ahh, now, that’s better.  Thank you for being submissive, for once.

--(…)

--So, I see you’re on Lexapro and that you’re seeing a therapist…

--I’m on everything, and everything’s on me. But I’m not a victim.

--Sounds like you might be, or that you think you might be.

--I just need help.

--Ha. Don’t we all?

--But isn’t that your job, I mean, like to help people? To help me?

--Not if you don’t really want to be helped. Let me ask you, do you? Do you genuinely want to get better?

--I don’t know. I mean, maybe I think I do. 

--You think?

--I also think I might just want to die.

--That’s what I thought. It doesn’t take a genius— 

--Wait—

--Forget it. Let’s pick this up next week. In the meantime, be sure to drink lots of fluids. Hydration is very underrated.  Thirty-four ounces a day is the minimum.

--Okay.

--It could trigger a turn-around.

--(…)

--And if you end up posing a risk to yourself, be sure to take five deep breaths before calling 911.

--(…)

--Write that down—911.