—WHAT IF YOU HAD IT ALL, AND NOBODY TO CALL?

 

 

(This was to be posted Wednesday, but various outages prevented that from happening.)

 

…Yesterday was a dark day for me.

Then maybe, my depression fed the massive storms that came, that took the power out and the internet along with it.

Trees and limbs fell. Winds rocked the house.

More reasons to be nervous.

 

…In the last decade or so, I have spent a great deal of time by myself. It’s a self-inflicted choice, of course.

Usually I don’t mind being alone too much, but this (2020-2021) is something else.

Since April of last year, I have only seen four of my best friends in the flesh. I haven’t traveled farther than Vancouver/Portland, and that was only once.

I realize I’m whining and bitching. I’m sure you have it as bad, or maybe even worse.

So how do you cope with it?

To overcome my most recent malaise, I wrote myself letters. I have a self-help book which recommends this exercise. But instead of making my mood better, it only turned worse.

It can be a problem when you are the source of your own misery.

My problem is I spend too much time polishing my regrets and poor choices.

What I really need to do is let those suckers gather dust.

 

…But then, this morning, one of my best friends video-called me and we talked for quite a long time. It was so good to see her, even if it wasn’t in person, even if I couldn’t hug her. Friends, great friends, are godsends.

When we were done, however, it only made me miss her more.

 

…I woke up at 3:30 am. With no internet, which meant I had a large swath of time on my hands, I ran, wrote some more, started and finished an entire book (Death On Her Hands, Ottessa Moshfegh) by 2 in the afternoon.

It’s so good to be reading again, but I think it may becoming an obsession. It’s as if my subconscious is trying to make up for that dearth of seven months in 2020 where I hardly read a thing.

I’m at 15 books finished thus far.

 

…The power keeps coming on and clicking off even now. Thus, this post may seem a bit choppy.

 

…A lake is such a wonderful thing, no matter if it’s pinned down by sooty clouds or fighting off a windstorm. Lakes are different than rivers in that they’re self-contained and they’re not going anywhere. The lake I live on is a small one. I have a full view of it from my office window and can see it from end to end. Other than this computer screen and my pup, I may stare at the lake more than anything.

It’s peaceful watching the ducks and geese bob on the waves, though it worries me that I haven’t seen the beaver in some time.

 

…Speaking of worry, I hope we can all get to, and through, this coming Wednesday without provocations or violence.  Times are challenging enough without that stuff.

 

…I think the thing that finally pulled me out of my latest funk was gratitude. I am grateful to be able to read or write whenever I want. But most of all I’m grateful for the incredible friends I have, my family, and Lucy.

I’m one lucky sonofabitch.

 

…I have an Orange-Mango sparkling water right here on my desk. I aim to raise it in a toast to you the second after the universe enables me to post this to the site.

Thanks for hanging with me, especially through the valleys.

I hope you are safe and surrounded by love because there is no one like you.