--WE COULDN’T GET ANY CLOSER IF WE TRIED

Dear God,

I understand you’re as mysterious as hell, but couldn’t you, just once in a while, be a bit more blatant about things, you know, just to help us stooges figure things out?

Dear God,

You’ve probably never felt foolish, but I do, a lot of the times. Can you help me out with that?

Dear God,

I hate the tendency I have to always ask you for things, for great favors, as if you’re some rich, benevolent uncle I have.  But you did say to ask, and maybe that’s why I do.  After all, you shouldn’t say something if you don’t really mean it.

Dear God,

Do you ever get bored?  With all the shit going on, and lame people like me leaning on you all the time, I’m guessing not.  But do you ever?  Come on, you can tell me.  I’m the best secret-keeper ever.

Dear God,

I vividly remember the night I told you I hated you.  I asked you for something and you were not in the gift-giving mood right then, apparently.  I was moving away from my first love and you let that happen, though I asked you not to.  Of course, I was fourteen at the time, stupid as hell.  So, I just want to go on record and say I’m sorry for saying I hate you, God.  I hope you’ll accept my apology.

Dear God,

You’ve done a lot of amazing things, but I think Jesus is the most amazing thing you thought up, though I know you didn’t think him up.  Still, good job, God.

Dear God,

Thank you for creating elephants and giraffes and deer and butterflies.  They’re really wonderful.  And thank you for Lucy.  Thank you, a lot, for Lucy.

Dear God,

When I worked at the church—no maybe, before that—the pastor said (when I was still a Doubting Thomas), “Ask God for a miracle.  Any miracle at all.  If he doesn’t answer it, then don’t believe.”

Since then I’ve gotten better at asking for things.  I hope it hasn’t been too much.

Dear God,

I know if everyone believed things would be way better off.  Just thought I’d let you know that.  And by the way, you’re doing a good job, despite the Twitter feeds.

Dear God,

No offense or anything, but we here on planet earth could use an updated version of what heaven looks like.  Streets paved with gold doesn’t exactly cut it.  They have those at the Microsoft campus.

Dear God,

Did you not like being a child?  (I didn’t either.)  There’s hardly any record of you as a kid and where there is, well, you’re actually kind of a wise-ass.  (just, sayin’.)

Dear God,

You must laugh a lot.  Like when sports teams pray to you for them to have your grace so they can get victory.  Isn’t that just the dumbest shit ever?

Dear God,

I like to swear.  I hope you can overlook that.  I hope you can overlook a lot of my flaws.