--SCREW ALL MY FRIENDS, THEY’RE ALL FULL OF SHIT

 

Restraining Order

“There’s a chance you might have super ceded yourself.”

“The big problem is you still think you’re nine years old and the boogey man’s in the kitchen.”
“I know a lot of nine year olds who’ve seen some shit and they’re not all mopey.”
“Do you think if you went to see ‘The Vagina Monologues’ it would just be you talking to yourself?”
“The mirror doesn’t lie. The stars don’t. Neither does your conscience.”
“There are scarecrows with thicker spines than yours.”
“If you think about it, you’re very lucky to still be alive. Plus, you have many people to thank.”
“Maybe the reason you’re so thin is you’re birdlike.  I mean, that your bones are hollow, not that you can fly.”
“Course correcting—now there’s an idea.”
“I know you’re older, but you used to juggle better back then.  Now you keep dropping plates, stepping on the shards, slicing your soles. That’s a lot of blood to mop up.”
“Why do you keep checking the time?  It’s not going to change.”
“Thinking that everything has a reason is a scary proposition.”
“Some people aren’t afraid of death at all. Then again, some people aren’t you.”
“When you get out of prison, you should consider writing a screenplay.  Or your will.”
“The key to a productive life is doing the things you don’t like.  So, what are you doing now?”
“Alice said, ‘Only women bleed,’ but you might be an exception to that rule.”
“The way the trees bend in the wind--it’s a form of dance. It’s poetic. It’s a gift, really. Do you even notice?”
“As far as I know, there’s only one person who’s ever made wine out of water, so stop thinking you’re Him.”
“News flash: The moon thinks you’re a stalker and has taken out a restraining order.  Better draw the blinds tonight.”
“If life is a flat circle, what does that make death?”
“A sunburn is your body’s way of telling you you’re killing your skin.”
“People and their guns.  People and their penises.  People and their sports.  How about a book instead?”
“Having acne is a test of patience and willpower. If you fail, those scars can last your whole life.”
“The letter L stands for a lot of things—Leader, Loser, Lover, you.  Well, which one is it?”
“You wouldn’t recognize a miracle if it kissed you sloppy on the mouth.”
“Do you think Eskimos Eskimo kiss when they have allergies or runny noses?  Do you think it bothers them at all?”
“Stop trying so hard.  You don’t have to kill yourself this soon.”
“It’ll happen on its own eventually.”

 

Garbage Disposal

“I can’t believe you keep showing up.  It’s actually kind of impressive.”

“I could throw you a bone, but you’d probably choke to death on the splinters.”
“Your self-talk is a garbage disposal working overtime.  Plus it smells bad.”
“Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack.”
“Everybody needs a good set of tools. Where the hell are yours?”
“Maybe your infatuation with twins is because you are one, or were one, only your twin was a hell of a lot smarter and ditched you in the canal.”
“If it’s too beautiful, look the other way. There’s plenty of carnage elsewhere.”
“Wow, didn’t see that one coming.”
“What is this? A diary? Therapy? Waterboarding in print?”
“You know, it’s possible to legally change your name.  Some people do it.  You could change yours to The Moody Blues. It has a nice ring and would look good on you.”
“Who cares where all those stray socks go?  For god’s sake, they’re socks.”
“Blah blah blah, Ginger.  Blah, blah, blah.”
“Everyone adores something, or someone.  They give their heart away expecting nothing in return. Is it so hard for you to do the same?”
“When’s the last time you bent over and took in the scent of a wild flower?”
“See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”
“It’s scary to think someone was just born this second, that someone just died this second. It’s too easy to be scared.”
“You have all these questions you’re going to ask God, but what if He doesn’t let you in?”
“Termites have a purpose. They don’t mean to do damage. It’s how they survive.  So stop hating on them.”
“In fourth grade, life is a water slide.  After that, gravity’s going to get you every time. That and the things you fear the most.”
“Remember when you wanted to be President?”
“A teacher?”
“A lawyer?”
“A good person?”
“Well, look at you now, you fickle bitch.”
“How’s that chair feel under your ass?”
“You look a little uncomfortable.”

 

Glue and Gauze

“We’re caught in trap.”
“You have the oddest foibles. I mean, who gets “Suspicious Minds” stuck in their craw? Maybe inmates, but they’ve got time on their hands.”
“Aside from twins, your biggest obsession might be prison. Is that supposed to mean something?”
“Is your stomach really empty if you have a muffin top?”
“Remember that Sin Jar thing you wrote about? You might want to pull out one of the slips of paper and read it  s  l  o  w  l  y.
“You can watch the eagle all you want, and the beaver too, but you’ll never be that free.”
“Everyone has a quirk, but you’ve got bushels of them. I mean, who says ‘bushels’?”
“The thing is you listen to yourself too much. That kind of thinking is definitely bad for your health, if not also your complexion.”
“Lighten up, Schecky.  Most people have worries that are actually worries--the kind that would make a guy like you impotent. So suck it up.”
“Someday you’re not going to make it up those stairs and it’ll mostly be your own fault.”
“Logic would say that there are times you’re thinking about that other person at precisely the time they’re thinking about you, but it doesn’t mean they’re thinking nice things about you, even if you are about them.”
“Holy smokes!”
“Remember when you hated being called a kid?  See how stupid you were?”
“A gnarled, elderly couple holding hands—now that’s the definition of love, of magic, or perfect symmetry.”
“There’s sad and then there’s pathetic.  Be careful how you straddle the two.”
“There are a million things to feel guilty about, like, even if you’re not a vegetarian, how can you put that meat into your mouth and swallow knowing that not too long ago that meat was connected to bone and living tissue?  It was probably an adorable animal.  You might have even found it cute, but now it’s dead and you’re eating it and not feeling the least bit of anything.  What you are doing is saying, ‘That was pretty tasty’.”
“For the last time: STOP THINKING SO MUCH.”
“Sometimes a mirage is really just the landscape we’ve painted for ourselves.”
“Sometimes a call out of the blue from a friend can save a life.”
“Someday you should drive all the way to the end of a rainbow and discover what you covet so much. I hope you’re not disappointed.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed.”
“Glue and gauze, rubber bands and tape, stitches and staples—they can only do so much.”
“Remember that preacher who said you should never put another person’s tongue in your mouth? I wonder how he’s doing.”
“There are reasons you’re this way.  Think about that for a while.”
“Someone recently said ‘Most people are afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of you’.”
“How’s that make you feel?”
“After all, your dark side is pretty heavy.”
“How do you bear its weight?”
 “I know what you’re thinking: It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there.”
“I think this is the first thing we’ve ever agreed on.”