--MAKE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL BEFORE YOU ARE DEAD

…It’s Friday and I think some of my Facebook friends are pretty funny.

Here’s what a few of them had to say:

-i want to meet the guy who is driving around south philly in a white truck with a gold-trimmed vanity plate that says BUFFMAN and a pair of shiny blue balls hanging off the back.

-Does anyone else have to constantly replace leggings because they rip on their upper thigh coming dangerously close to exposing their vagina?

-I was into Panic! At the Disco, until I discovered Zoloft! At the Pharmacy.

-In first grade, deprived of such delicacies, I stole a classmate's hostess snowballs from her lunch, got away with it, and have felt guilty ever since.

negative people are so fucking funny.

-Someone just challenged me to "No Drink December." I interpret this as someone wanting me dead.

-Spending the night in a creepy three-story building -- an empty college dormitory -- and I am the only human being in here.

-Pass the flask and close the tab.

-"Yes, fucker, I'll have the crispy quail."

-overworked. sleep-deprived. soft-hearted.

-you can't farm death when you're still buried in the dinosaur heart of time.

-These GU energy gels are great. I think I'm going to start hitting one before I preach.

-i'm not doing this to get attention. i just wanna know. am i pretty?

I hope I get through airport security with all of this poetry in my suitcase...

Serial Killer tip #1: Keep all the dead bodies on Myspace.

Where but in Seattle can you hire a man with a herd of goats to clear a city hillside of unwanted vegetation?

repaired my shoe sole with shoe glue. in the process i lost a sock. good glue.

-Dear Rand Paul you carpetbagging boil-tick on the ass of idiocy…

-if there's anything on facebook i cant stand, it's most of you