—A SALVATION ARMY BAND PLAYED, AND THE CHILDREN DRANK LEMONADE, AND THE MORNING LASTED ALL DAY

 

 

In Therapy

 

I cried the Pacific, Atlantic, Indian and 

Dead Sea, and felt ashamed.

I cried until the whole world was smears 

and nothing mattered but the soothing taste of water

trickling like wet worms down my throat.

My mother said the world would end with me, 

but she was a pathological liar so her 

words often flipped off my shoulder like false regrets.

On that day, robins slammed into the windows and 

starlings dropped from the sky, already dead and featherless.

Armageddon didn’t make any more sense to me than 

being a bastard child, but I clung to the rail nonetheless. 

Jesus is coming, I heard my mother say, right before 

she raised the belt over her shoulder like an Olympian.

“Why does any of this matter now?” the therapist asked sincerely.

In front of me, the clock stitched backwards, the hands 

twirling like a junkie that had done far too much cocaine.

I wanted to answer, but there wasn’t a suitable one to be found and so he said, “Doesn’t matter anyway, our time’s up now.”

Rising from his chair, he pointed toward the door I left through, 

ghost of a man-boy, floating into one world, that one, and the next.

 

—MY DOG WON’T BITE IF YOU SIT REAL STILL

  

…And there you are, and there you’re not. 

 

…I really don’t hate Friday as much as I say. It was just one dark day where it all poured out, unscripted.

 

…Hold my hand, okay? It’s going to be a bumpy few weeks.

 

…Even my shoelaces smelled like Cabernet, though I didn’t notice.

 

…I might be the only guy who literally flips off books that I hate.

 

…Never read “Brian” unless you’re imprisoned for life, and that’s all there is.

 

…Sooner than later, I’m guessing.

 

…Get over yourself already. 

 

…I’ll have this one, another one, one more, and that’s it.

 

..."I sometimes feel that I am becoming and unbecoming whoever it was I was." Brontez Purnell

 

…“I don’t know, but I’ve been told…”

 

…Maybe we should just split the difference on this one and call it even, if you can't see it that way.

 

…I’m too tired to keep counting sheep that aren’t really there.

 

…I wonder if it’s actually as pretty as it looks from here, from what I’m feeling at this moment.

 

..."I often worry about the metaphor I’m becoming." Brontez Purnell

 

…I catch myself reclosing the very windows I should be jumping out of.

 

…Patience, practice and prayer, that’s the only way I know how to get out of this drought.

 

…“I believe I’ll pray, see what the end is going to be.”

 

…Maybe I really am the ghost I always thought myself to be.

 

…Is that seat taken? Congratulations. Would you like to take a walk with me?

 

…I watch my fingers shake sometimes, and it’s like viewing a Geiger counter, or a lie-detector test.

 

…I’m definitely not winning this fight, and that’s okay.

 

…The streets are looking dangerous.

 

…A lot of times I hear my life reported back to me, past or present, in a voice-over that sounds somewhat like mine, and I’m not sure if that’s good, or if it means something I should pay special attention to.

 

…Where do all the Shadow People go?

 

…I got this, or so people tell me, one of my very least favorite expressions, but I don’t got anything.

 

…I’ll take a mulligan, if I’m able.

 

…It’s hard to be this sad and not totally break.

 

…It’s funny, or ironic, or something like that, the way things turned out.

 

…Well, there’s always, “Ooh La La.”

 

…I should have felt more this week. What’s wrong with me?

 

…You can really hold a grudge. I guess we’re both really good at that.

 

…So, that’s just how it’s gonna be. Okay. Okay.

 

…The key is to stay above the noise, but that’s not so easy.

 

…A lot of times I hear my life reported back to me and it sounds like no one I’ve ever known.

 

…“Just a sentence. Start small. See where it takes you.”

 

…I should go somewhere, but I have nowhere to go anymore.

 

…It really is, “Different strokes for different folks.” I just need to remind myself of that regularly.

 

…You never know. You never know.

 

…How could someone know you so well but not know you have an eating disorder?

 

…Am I really the only person who notices, when you’re in a crowd, that there are no black people there?

 

…Anxiety is really awful.

 

…Can you be unhappy and hopeful at the same time? Hmmm.

 

…I’ve said this before, but turbulence is definitely not my friend.

 

…It’s pretty interesting people-watching at an airport. I always wonder what that person is thinking, what they’re carrying around inside themselves.

 

…I’m scrapping all of the “Friday” pieces I wrote, as my best friend advised me. All twenty-one of them.

 

…My life is going to swing pretty soon. Like right now.

 

…I sure hope I’m not making another huge mistake. I’ll let you know in another week or so.

 

…I might need a prayer, or three.

 

…It’s really difficult to finish a bad book or film. But then I once watched all of “Ishtar” on an airplane.  

 

…I realize I think too much. It’s a problem I’ve had since I was a young boy.

 

…Young boy, young boy, young boy.

 

…It seems redundant to explain to a Hispanic person what a terrible person T is, but sometimes you have to do it, nonetheless.

 

…Walking on these slopes is like laying belly-up in the ocean, waiting for that one great wave to arrive.

 

…I realized I finally look my age. Maybe even older than I am now.

 

…A cane could do the trick. But so could getting paid.

 

…But what about tomorrow?

—I LOOKED AT THE MOON AND I FELT BLUE, THEN  I LOOKED AGAIN AND I SAW YOU

 

 

Legend

  

Let’s face it,

We’re never going to be

As happy as we could be

The universe is too fragile, 

Unapologetic and disorganized

Time has outlasted us

Kismet fading into mauve

But I have my pen

And you have your incessant questions

Together, can’t we make

Our ending extraordinary?

  

 

—I’M BREAKING EGG SHELLS WITH A PEN

 

 

Balloons

 

 

We were scruff, so we stole on the sly, stupid stuff---sox, Snickers Bars, squirt guns, laxatives, and magic balloons, which were plastic-taped to a board that promised to grow into something gigantic and magical if you blew on them hard enough.

We wanted to be something different, anything different, so we blew and blew, my twin and I. We took turns when one of other was out of gas.

I don’t know if we really believed in magic back then, Sis and I, but after making sure the door was locked, I held her hand while she said a prayer for help.

 

—I’M GRATEFUL TO BE CRYING, CRYIN’G OVER YOU

 

 

F   r   i   d   a   y    #   11  

 

 

Dark as obsidian. A thickened ore. Blindness brought to life. Two pin pricks of light where a life should be. A bleak dive through insomnia, tangled up in kelp. The past is a bloated corpse dying to massage my back. There’s an answer painted black, black, black. I could swim for years like this, or maybe I already have.

—THERE’S MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, TO OFFER ADVICE AND SAY WHO I SHOULD BE

 

 

…All I had is what I gave.

 

…Your toes are perfect.

…Anymore I don’t recognize my feet at all. Fred Flintstone might have had these. In any event (an expression I loath), uglier feet have never been seen. Nope.

 

…This whole thing mostly seemed like a disaster, which probably meant we were supposed to be together all along.

 

…I’m just saying that luck, and timing, are usually everything when it comes to being alive.

...Even if I don't totally understand it, I appreciate it.

 

…I can’t believe I’m writing all of this with a pen in my hand. Yay, for miracles. If this is you, God, thank you. 

…The ocean is such a wonder in so many ways. How does a person even describe it?

 It may be the most beautiful thing on the planet.

 

…I’ve yet to figure out the logic behind a “Tramp Stamp,” though I’ve certainly seen my fair share of those, of late.

 

…When you finally decide to suspend disbelief, that’s when you know you’re onto something that is, or should be, taken notice of.

 

…I guess I’m better at small talk than I think. I did it for two hours, remembered everything he said, and didn’t even blink once.

 

…No, you’re not that patient, thank God.

 

…When you grow up poor, even if you’re not now, in your head, you think you still are, which is probably a good thing.

 

…I have a lot of opinions, God knows, but not that many answers.

 

…I have a lot of opinions, but as to who the most terrible person is in this country, I will not concede my stance. Not for a second.

 

…I wonder how many Pulitzer novels are just sitting there in a computer file, or a Manilla envelope, unpublished.

 

…It really doesn’t take a hell of a lot to smile, say, “Hi. How are you? Who are you?”

 

…Some of the finest people I know don’t even speak the same language as me.

 

…Aren’t immigrants just people, too?

 

…God, help us next year. We really need your blessing or covering or whatever you want to call it. Me, I’m scared shitless.

 

…It’s in the morning when I’m blow-drying my hair that I see the boy in me, but I never get sad then, for some reason.

 

…Don’t have to say, Good night, if you never wake up.

 

…I know I so often sound sad here, but I’m not always that way. It’s just sort of my go-to for some reason. Most days I recognize the joy all around me, me and my profound privilege.

 

…Do you ever wonder if your friend circle mirrors your personality? Wouldn’t that make sense?

 

…I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that other guy on the subway who can’t seem to hold his chin up.

 

…When you ask your 16-year-old nephew, who is like your second son, “What group or who would you most like to see?” and he says, “Stevie Wonder,” well, you know that kid is different, is something speial. 

 

…I wonder if people have forgot about George Floyd already, the way the NFL forgets about Domestic Violence once a player takes a knee during the Anthem so they then trot out all of these veterans before every game.

 

…Do you ever wonder what we might have been?

 

…I haven’t seen a butterfly in months, and that’s kind of sad.

 

…Call it whatever you want, but you have to at least call it real.

 

…So much wasted time.

 

…I often wonder how many people say, “If only I’d become (the thing I was always going to become), things would be different?”

 

…Do you kill the angry ant or the hornet constantly buzzing on your arm, or do you just let it be?

 

…When you’re unsure, tip your head this way.

 

…I only feel dumb when I’m alive.

 

…You hit a kid at a certain time, and enough times, and he might not ever forget it, even when he's an old man.

 

…Everybody hurts sometimes. Everybody hurts someday.

 

…The thing you do is you just start writing and don’t care if it’s awful at first.

 

…The story of my life is going to be a good one, I’m pretty sure.

 

…I swam almost 20 laps today with (unwisely) my eyes open in the chlorinated pool. My eyes burned like fuck afterward, but I’m pretty sure I saw Bud the Beaver and The Loch Ness Monster, dolphins and sea turtles.

 

…“We live in a world where it is more dramatic to lose your phone than your virginity." Megan Fox

 

…Fucking Kuntz and Leatham are like…

—HOW COULD I POSSIBLY KNOW, WHEN I WAS ONLY TWENTY-ONE?

 

 

…In a way, everything is ironic, if you think about it enough.

 

…Hot mess? Not hot, but a mess, yes.

 

…Buckle up, Sparky, this is the last ride.

 

…Sometimes just getting eggs into my mouth is a feat.

 

…Sometimes I get a little tired of being a white person. And male. And straight. And Christian.

 

…Shaving this morning was shaky. It felt like I got into a catfight, and that the cat, or cats, most definitely won. Just take a gander at my face.

 

…You may have forgotten to attach a file.

 

…Whatever POV you take, I’ll always try to see it your way.

 

…It’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way things work.

 

…Writers are a strange, needy group, but I love them all nonetheless.

 

…Gotta keep an eye on those corners. They’re such sly MFs.

 

…Introverted much? Every day, it gets harder not to be shyer.

 

...Kerfuffle—now there’s a word.

 

…There’s that, that thing you can grab and claim, and there’s all you can’t.

 

…I don’t think I need another reminder that I’m dying.

 

…The danger in reading the news is that all they print is the current precarious situations we’re in, like everywhere around the world. Is there really no joy anywhere worth reading, or hearing about? Like, really?

 

…I could be so many places, yet I’m here again, staring.

 

…You’ve got to let love rule.

 

…Here’s a serious question: Do you think I’m too damaged?

 

…Last night I woke up with someone squeezing my hand, only to discover it was my other hand.

 

…Listening to Queen B’s new song, it seems like she’s playing to the T folk, and I’m not too keen on it.

 

…Whenever someone asks, “What happened?” I just shrug and give them your number.

 

…There was something amiss in your apology.

 

…Is “train wreck” one or two words?

 

…How about “badass?”

 

…It’s hard to dodge the sun and bitch about it when that’s all you’ve ever wanted.

 

…“And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, freedom or loneliness?” Charles Bukowski

 

…This luck’s gonna run out eventually. I hope I’m fully prepared for that day.

 

…I really don’t think my phone could be anymore fucking obnoxious. Now it wants me install all kinds of things, and, “No,” I don’t know every last password I’ve ever had.

 

…If I blinked, would it all disappear? Probably not. Probably just me.

 

…“It’s not enough to be nice in life. You’ve got to have nerve.” Georgia O’Keefe 

 

…It’s sad to say this, and I know it sounds crass as Hell, but we live in a country with very stupid people. Open up your fucking eyes, and ears. I mean, God Lord, come on.

 

…I know, you never intended to be in this world.

But you’re in it all the same.

So why not get started immediately.

I mean, belonging to it.

There is so much to admire, to weep over.

And to write music or poems about.

Bless the feet that take you to and fro.

Bless the eyes and the listening ears.

Bless the tongue, the marvel of taste.

Bless touching.

You could live a hundred years, it’s happened.

Or not.

I am speaking from the fortunate platform

of many years,

none of which, I think, I ever wasted.

Do you need a prod?

Do you need a little darkness to get you going?

Let me be as urgent as a knife, then,

and remind you of Keats,

so single of purpose and thinking, for a while,

he had a lifetime. 

~Mary Oliver

 

…“Check your rings”  = ’s  “Get off your flat ass.”

 

…Somedays you just feel like dying, even though you know you don’t really mean it.

 

…I got asked to blurb a book yesterday, which felt really good. It’s been a while.

 

...A neighbor in Virginia once told me that if I was any more mellow, I’d be dead. I guess I let him see that side of me. And this was when I ran a store with 600 employees. When what poured out of me was energy and charm. Yet there I was on the stoop that day, staring into the sun.

 

…I don’t expect anyone to have what we have. How would that even be possible?

 

…"I always entertain the notion that I'm wrong, or that I'll have to revise my opinion. Most of the time that feels good; sometimes it really hurts and is embarrassing." Anthony Bourdain

 

…I’m too tired to count sheep anymore. They just keep floating around in oblong circles, floating away forever and ever, searching for somewhere else to land.

 

…I’ve actually never seen a real grenade, but it very much feels as if I’ve heard one.

 

…I don’t believe Miranda July or Eileen Miles are ever going to blurb a book of mine, and I think I’m okay with that.

 

…We all have a different script. Sometimes just reading it is hard enough, but you push through, if you can.

 

…I’m not going to get it back, but then, maybe I never needed it in the first place.

 

...Young boy, young boy… Why are you still that young boy, after all this time?

 

…“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

 

…I think I might need a French Exit, or else I might need to get as good at it as my best friend is. 

 

…My stomach sure has a lot to say these days. It talks to me more than anyone I know.

 

…“It may have been in pieces, but I gave you the best of me.” Jim Morrison

 

…I’m sorry to say this, but sometimes it all looks ugly from here.

 

…Sometimes you just need a better reason.

 

…These seconds, they fly by like bird-shot, like pepper. Poof!

 

…You could be losing a lot of things without even knowing it.

 

…I’ve lost plenty. But really, who hasn’t?

 

…“Laying” or “lying” has to be the biggest conundrum ever.

 

…Yesterday the walls didn’t even want to talk to me.

 

…Paula just wanders aimlessly, from yard to yard, and she doesn’t even realize what a wonder she is.

 

…I hope this is true, because then it takes a weight off—“The buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching toward infinity.” A. Edward Newton 

 

…I forget more than I remember anymore. But what I remember is pretty worthwhile. 

 

…A lot of the time, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I keep doing it anyway.

 

…That didn’t last long. Too bad, Chad.

 

…I was never a huge Soundgarden fan, but being a depressive myself, and knowing all Chris went through, this struck me as exceptionally powerful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuUDRU9-HRk

 

…A little bit of pain goes a long way in the scheme of things.

 

…Co-worker: “Why do you call everyone, ‘Fucker’?

Me: “It’s gender neutral.”

 

…“We are so lightly here. It is in love that we are made. In love we disappear.” Leonard Cohen

 

…“But luxury has never appealed to me. I like simple things—books, being alone, or with somebody who understands.” Daphne du Maurier

 

…Ginger…