--WHEN THE DAY COMES, YOU’VE GOT TO GIVE IT HELL

…I like the news.  I’m a news junkie.  Though I prefer politics, it doesn’t really matter.

Here are two stories you might not have seen that are interesting for very different reasons:

Story #1:

Sometimes, even adults need a timeout. Wait, scratch that. Sometimes adults need to hear: "Hush or I'll give you something to cry about." And sometimes they need someone to say, "Don't make me pull this car over," and then do it. Just pull the car over and give them something to cry about.

In this case, the adult who needs some "attitude adjustment" is a 54-year-old New York woman named Jennifer Connell. This week, Connell sued her 12-year-old nephew in a Connecticut court for damages after she sustained a broken wrist when he hugged her too exuberantly at his birthday party. Four years ago. When he was 8.

The suit claimed that "a reasonable eight year old under those circumstances would know or should have known that a forceful greeting such as the one delivered by the defendant to the plaintiff could cause the harms and losses suffered by the plaintiff," according to the Connecticut Post.

Hold up. "Reasonable eight year old?" The 8-year-olds in my world don't even know not to wipe boogers on their sleeves. Or not to convince their little brothers they can "fly" off the roof. Or understand their sister's favorite doll isn't microwavable. They certainly don't have the ability to foresee an injury resulting from a hug, much less ensuing "losses."

The suit should have been thrown out when the judge saw "reasonable" and "eight year old" in the same sentence. Really, the suit should have never been seen by a judge, or been made into an actual legal-type document. The list of adults in need of a timeout should include Auntie Jen's attorneys.

The suit should have been thrown out when the judge saw "reasonable" and "eight year old" in the same sentence.

Instead, they helped her sue for damages of $127,000 for injuries sustained when the boy, Sean, got so excited to see Auntie Jen that he hopped off his brand-new birthday bicycle, came running to hug her and managed to knock her off her feet, causing her broken wrist.

Connell didn't mention the injury that day, for fear of ruining the celebration. Instead, she waited four years, then decided to sue her nephew the year after the death of his mother. Since the kid can't drive, that meant his widowed father had to bring him into a court of law to hear his aunt testify about the error of his unreasonable, 8-year-old ways, saying, "I remember him shouting, 'Auntie Jen I love you,' and there he was flying at me."

Wearing a brace on her wrist in court, Connell described Sean as being "very loving and sensitive." Probably not so much anymore. He can probably best be described now as "cynical and world-weary." Oh, yeah, and minus one aunt at Thanksgiving dinner.

What was she thinking, you ask? What would make a supposedly rational adult sue her nephew over what was obviously an accident, and one borne out of love and excitement to see her?

Well, it hasn't been easy on Auntie Jen. Seems she lives in a third-floor walk-up in Manhattan and "it has been very difficult." Apparently, along with suing little boys, her activities include walking up stairs on her hands. Her social life has also suffered, she said. "I was at a party recently, and it was difficult to hold my hors d'oeuvre plate," Connell testified. So that's why she needs $127,000. She's going to have to hire someone to accompany her to parties to hold her hors d'ouevre plate.

Any-hoo, in this case, justice was served – and Auntie Jen was served a big fat goose egg. Yep, the jury deliberated 20 minutes and decided she could hold her hors d'ouevre plate in her other hand. She was awarded nothing, although she has gained national "fame" with the hashtag AuntfromHell.

The Connecticut Post article doesn't give Connell's reaction to the verdict but we can only hope she will be forced to repay the county's cost of striking a jury and putting a judge on the bench.

Maybe that'll give her something to cry about.

Story #2:

Marlon James, the Jamaican winner of this year’s Man Booker prize for fiction, has revealed that he briefly abandoned writing after his first novel was rejected nearly 80 times.

The author told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme he had not slept since A Brief History of Seven Killings was announced as the winner of the £50,000 prize at a black-tie dinner at Guildhall in London on Tuesday night.

Marlon James wins the Man Booker prize 2015

Author of A Brief History of Seven Killings – a fictional account of an attempt to take Bob Marley’s life – first Jamaican writer to win prestigious prize

Read more

He recalled that his first novel, John Crow’s Devil, was rejected 78 times by publishers, before it was eventually published in 2005. “I had to sit down and add it up one day and I had no idea it was that much,” he said.

Despite the success of his latest novel, which the Man booker judges described as “an extraordinary book” after a unanimous decision, James said he thought the publishing industry had not changed that much since his first book was repeatedly turned down.

“There was a time I actually thought I was writing the kind of stories people didn’t want to read,” he told Today. Asked if he had considered giving up writing, the 44-year-old writer said: “I did give it up. I actually destroyed the manuscript, I even went on my friends computers and erased it.” He said he retrieved the text by searching in the email outbox of an old iMac computer.

James is the first Jamaican writer to win the Man Booker prize, taking the award for an uncompromising fictional history of the attempted murder of Bob Marley in 1976.

The chair of the judges, Michael Wood, admitted that his mother would “not have got beyond the first few pages because of the swearing” in the book.

Asked about the “bad” language in the book, James said: “Bad is relative. I’m writing about a lot of violent, not good people and I think the story called for it.”

He described his approach to the book as “educated guess” work about Jamaica’s history. He said: “A lot of it is based on true events, but quite a bit is made up and that’s part of the reason for the book itself, because there is no history.”

--I’M OKAY IF YOU’RE OKAY

…Hey Wednesday, how’re you doing?

I’m a little stuffed up. 

Stupid allergies.

…Things I learned so far this week:

Washington forest fires, this year alone, burned 1,719 acres, the size of Rhode Island with 300 acres to spare.

The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.

33% of high school graduates never read another book in their life.

44% of college graduates never read another book in their life.

80% of families did not buy or read a book last year.

70% of all Americans have not been in a book store in the last five years.

A lightning bolt is five times hotter than the sun.

The inventor of the fire hydrant is unknown because the building he was in burnt down.

Early Egyptian Royals used to marry their siblings.

Each year 3 billion yards of denim is woven, or enough to wrap around the earth at least 67 times.

In the first week it was legal, Oregonians bought $11 million worth of marijuana.

…And I feel things I like on a Wednesday:

“I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend against its force....My love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day.” Og Mandino

“To love what you do and feel that it matters—how could anything be more fun?” Katherine Graham

“The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering.” Tom Waitts

“We’re all pretty bizarre.  Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.” The Breakfast Club

“I was told over and over again that I would never be successful, that I was not going to be competitive and the technique was simply not going to work. All I could do was shrug and say "We'll just have to see."
- Dick Fosbury, who won an Olympic gold medal at the 1968 Mexico games after he invented a revolutionary high-jump technique.

--THIS IS YOUR MEMORY.  THIS IS REMEMBERING 

…It’s Monday.  A new week with new rain that looks a lot like the old rain.  Bring it on, Mom.

…Here’s a band I’ve never heard of, which my daughter turned me onto:

            

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50Q2E-Im1es&feature=youtu.be

…And here are some other things I like to start off the week:

   

“At fifteen, I stopped scowling,
I desired my dust to be mingled with yours
Forever and forever and forever.”
     - Li Po, 8th Century A.D.

- “When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla, you should count yourself lucky.” Mathew Dickman

 -“If you think about it, we have nothing to lose but doubt, uncertainty, weight, hate, so we might as well innovate and contemplate what we've perhaps, in times of weakness, doubted as "not good enough" or "too ridiculous" to explore. We have nothing to really lose. Keep going. Keep the vision, the passion, alive.” Michael Seidlinger

-“In the end, only three things matter:  how you loved, how gently you lived, and how gratefully you let go of those things not meant for you.” Buddha

-“The cruelest divorces are the ones that never happen.” Meg Pokrass

-“If you talk to God, you’re praying.  If God talks back, it’s schizophrenia.” Phil Spector

-“God doesn’t care that I have a sandwich on Yom Kippur.  He cares that that I helped a blind man across the street.” Joan Rivers

-“People think I had a clear mind and thought my way through it.  I didn’t.  I prayed.  Man, we need a boat.  And then a boat comes floating up the street!  We need a truck, a truck comes up the street!  I needed somebody to put this movie out so the whole world could see the footage.  Here come the filmmakers!  How could I believe that God was not involved in that?” -- Kimberly Roberts, Hurricane Katrina survivor

-“Love is huge but if you’re talking about men and women, it’s got to start with the most initial obvious attraction that warthogs go through.  Look at that ass!  That’s what keeps the world spinning.  There’s your God.” Chevy Chase

--YEAH, SURE, I MIGHT BE DRUNK SOMETIMES

…It’s Friday.

A friend shared these jokes the other day.  They’re a bit crude, but funny:

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jimmy woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 .

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"   "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant​,​ but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. 

 Then the nurse came in.  As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: 

"Who Was That?"

--HERE’S WHAT I’M THINKING; YOU’LL SAVE ME, AND I’LL SAVE YOU

   

                                                           Catch and Release

            “Here, take my hand, just do it, do it now.” 

            It is warm and slick and a bit slimy like a belly full of steaming fish guts.  She hates herself for thinking thoughts like this but it’s her mind, her little girl mind.  She tells herself when she’s older she won’t think nonsense, all her destructive and violent ideas will disappear or belong to another girl.

            Her father says where they’re going is a surprise, but she doesn’t like surprises.  Her mother’s boyfriend, his naked buttocks flashing sweaty and pale, angry buttocks, busy buttocks moving over her mother, trying to eat her mother, that was a surprise and she did not like it one bit.

            “But school’s not out yet,” she says.  He’s walking too fast and tugging her hand as if it’s a wagon handle.  “I called for an early release, what do you think?” he says.  His words are blunt, flyswatter slaps, smacking her cheeks.  She feels her face flush.  She is always embarrassed or ashamed, is there a difference, all these secrets she’s forced to keep, stuffed inside her, like eating bugs alive for a reality show, eat a pan full and swallow and don’t get sick is how you win.

            Her face feels billowy now, now that they’re in the car and her father is speeding past another town which is far from their town and her school and her mother.  She leans her head out the window, her blonde hair a scarf a sheet a vanilla flag a towel of surrender.  “Where are we going?” she asks.  “You’ll see,” he says.  “You’ll like it.”

            A day or a week later she asks him again where they are going.  This time he says, “Here.”

            The worm is sticky in her fingers, like balled-up snot.  “Hook it through the eye, or where the eye would be.”

            The sun hides behind a sheath of big-bottomed clouds.  The fish strikes and the girl is almost dragged off the dock.  For the first time her father looks happy, excited.  “It’s a big one,” he tells her.

            The fish has eyes, swiveling carny tarot card eyes, eyes that want fists so they can fight back, eyes that crave language so it can tell you to pick on someone your own fucking size.

            When his back is turned she kicks the fish and it plops into the water and swishes away.  The lake water looks dark and dirty, somewhere it wears her reflection.

--WHY DON’T YOU BE YOU, AND I’LL BE ME

http://www.buzzfeed.com/abagg/this-dance-tells-a-breakup-story-in-the-most-beautiful-way#.ia6BQD9x7

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTxDMWU8AE0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4

--HERE WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE, HOLDING ON, STILL BREATHING

…I made it back from Napa in one piece.

...Tomorrow I’m speaking to my daughter’s fifth grade class about writing.  It’s hard to prepare to speak to fifth graders.  I’m actually a wee bit nervous.  Wish me luck.

 …I had this:

http://spartanlit.com/firm

 and this:

http://www.righthandpointing.net/#!91-15/c9qs

in print last week.

 …And for the new week, here are some things I like:

“Doctors and scientists said that breaking the four-minute mile was impossible, that one would die in the attempt.  Thus, when I got up from the track after collapsing at the finish line, I figured I was dead.”-- Roger Bannister, after becoming the first person to break the four minute mile, 1952.

“All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible.”  Dr. Frank Richards

“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.” - Robert Louis Stevenson

“A poet can survive anything but a misprint.” Oscar Wilde

 “Until one is committed, there is always hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one element of truth, the ignorance of which
kills countless ideas and splendid plans - that moment one commits oneself, then providence moves all.” -- Johann von Goethe (1749-1832) German Poet and Dramatist

“Appreciate every word you write because you never know when the words will finally run out.” Michael Seidlinger

  “He doesn't act like he thinks he is Mr. Wonderful. He always introduces himself, even though it's obvious who he is. When you talk to him, you know he's paying attention to you and not looking over your shoulder.”  Mary Anne Grafton-Rodgers describing the late John F. Kennedy, Jr.

“I believe that one of the characteristics of the human race - possibly the one that is primarily responsible for its course of evolution - is that is has grown by creatively responding to failure.”  Glen Seaborg

"Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and true progress."

— Nicholas Murray Butler