—ABOVE THE STATION WALLS, THE COLORS BLEED AND RUN

        

…Yesterday I sat under a shade tree trying to forget all my mistakes.  I read rousing poetry that made me re-read lines, slower the second and third time around, while the wind did its work in the branches overhead.  Yesterday, before that, I swerved to miss a dainty, black squirrel that sat too far out on the road, chewing its fingernails like a Nervous Nelly.  Yesterday, before that, while I was on a run, a rabbit darted out in front of me, out into the road, hop hop hop, then stopped, paralyzed by fear as a pickup ran straight over it, making the rabbit’s heart ratchet up faster, no doubt, while the bunny realized how lucky it was not to be smashed.  Yesterday was all kinds of near life and death.  

…The comment, “You’re lucky; it could have been worse,” is the kind of helpfulness I can do without.  After all, it also could have been better.

…People like to make comparisons, but some things are completely incomparable.  Completely.

…One less thing to be confused about—now that’s funny.

…Time heals all wounds—I don’t buy it for one minute.

…Other people’s anger has done a hell of a lot for me.  I just never knew it at the time.

…Don’t push.  Don’t hang on.  Lean back and let reality happen.

…Fear is usually the static that prevents a person from hearing their intuition.  Fear is often an indication that they’re avoiding themselves.  And that includes me.

…If something you do rankles me, I should know that your fault is my fault, too.

…I like a man or woman with faults, especially when he/she knows it.

…No one is really ever wrong.  At most, someone is un-informed.  “You’re wrong,” usually means “I don’t understand you, I’m just not seeing what you’re seeing right now.”  

…I am a fan of sporadic profanity when used to fire up speech, but the truth is, it fixes the other person’s attention on your words instead of your thoughts.

…When you’re a train wreck and someone still loves you anyway, that’s when you know you’re one lucky sonofabitch.

…I hope I’m not ever not curious.  If that should ever happen, feel free to use a hammer, toss me in a box and then dump said box somewhere no one ever goes.

…There’s something about compliments that scares me.  Part of the reason may be that I’m afraid of getting something that can subsequently be taken away.  I put myself in the hands of this other person if I let my emotions hang on their statement.  Another reason: I am being put on the spot and now must watch my actions to keep them thinking this way about me.  Another:  There is a part of me that knows good and well I’m not as great as their compliment implies.  Another:  I’m sometimes insincere when saying similar things.

…When you’re young, you feel invincible.  It’s easy to say things like, “Sleep is overrated.  I’ll sleep when I die.”  When you’re older, with more skin in the game, you don’t really even want to think about dying.

…And still it’s past 1am, and I’m wide awake, and the only thing showing in my window is an exact replica of me staring back at me wondering why I’m here.  Perhaps that’s the definition of a death wish.  

…If I couldn’t write, I’d die.  I’ve come to the place where I am now comfortable knowing I should write what I want, regardless of how other people view it.  It’s writing for me.  And that is so fucking selfish, but it feels good and it feels right.  I realize how lucky I am.  I wish everyone as much luck, if not more.

…I’m alone a lot.  But when I’m alone and awake late at night, that’s when the world makes the most sense to me.  It’s as if the stars are trying to knock some sense into me because they know that’s when I’m most vulnerable and open-minded.

…I don’t want to just listen to what you say.  I want to feel what you mean.

...“You ought to” really just means “I want you to.”  So why not say so?

…“I don’t care what people think”—that is, by far, the most dishonest sentence in the English language.

…When someone is silent it can be a little unnerving.  I think:  maybe they’ve become bored with me, maybe they’ve moved on because they’re losing interest.  But maybe silence means live and let live, trust, or I appreciate that I am I and you are you.

…I am already me.  And that is both the easiest and the hardest thing for me to realize.