—LOVE IS A MURDERER, LOVE IS A MURDERER.  

   

…Okay, okay.  It’s okay. Truly, it is.

 

…It’s hard to look at your hands when they resemble those of a 100-year-old man.

 

…Anxiety is a real Bitch. Most times she won’t let me stop shaking.

 

…This is about as kind a text as one can hope to get, on a late Sunday afternoon: “Hang tight, dude. People love you.”  

 

…“That which does not kill us makes us drunk motherfuckers.” Friedrich Nietzsche

 

…I found this note, by happenstance, in a jumble of things, written from a legend at the company I worked for, after I’d spoken to her team of 100 plus. It was so effusive and complimentary. About what a great speaker I was. What an inspiration I was. How everyone on her team wanted to work for me.

That sounds like a completely different guy than the one I see in the mirror now. I don’t know who that guy is, or was, but that’s not me. Nope.

It was an incredibly thoughtful letter, however.

 

…Every day matters, but the truth is, some days you just waste them, even if it’s a crime to do so.

 

… “It’s not much of a reach to know what it would be like to find myself in that same fraught place.” Brendan Frazer, on his character in The Whale

 

…I was so mad at you, until I realized I was mad at myself.

 

…"One is master of one's trade at the price of also being its victim." Nietzsche

 

…Critter and Crimson, my son’s parakeets, I think if they were released into the rainforest, they’d survive and flourish. They’d be just fine.

 

“Absolutely there was self-loathing. I think, on some level, I felt I deserved [a beating], and wanted to be the one who got in the first punch.” Brendan Frazer

 

…Everyone says I love you.

 

…I wonder if other people think about their issues as much as I think about mine. Likely not. It’s the time factor, and that can be wicked at times. 

 

…I can’t be the only one who thinks sleep is stupid, can I? 

 

…It’s a paradox--to not want to be worried over, and yet to want to have someone feel concern for you.

 

…Sometimes you just have to say, “Fuck it.” If they don’t get where you’re at right now, and they can’t accept it, well, that’s on them. Let it go, for once.

 

…“And I mean, I’m older now; I don’t look the way I did in those days, and I don’t necessarily want to. But I’ve made peace with who I am now. And I’m glad that the work I can do is based in an emotional reality that’s not my own life, but is one that I can strongly identify with.” Brendan Frazer

 

…Even when I’m not alone, it often feels like I am. 

 

…Take a breath of that fresh air. Fresh air…

 

…“If you want to hurt someone, you hurt them where it hurts.” Charlie, Poker Face

 

…I’ve never had someone tell me, “Fuck You,” so many times in my life. I understand it’s a message, and that it’s more complicated than it sounds on the surface. So, we’re good.

 

…I’m a fifth wheel on a car that’s going nowhere.

 

…“Be a good steward of your gifts. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be by yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hook. Work regular hours.” Jane Kenyon 

 

…Reading 100 books this year is going to be a real challenge. Most morning’s I can’t even read the label on my prescription.

 

…How stupid, right? Having a photo of Lucy on my desktop, upper righthand corner, where she’s staring back at me every time I’m here.

 

…It’s pretty easy to know if people really love you when they say they do. It always boils down to, Show, don’t tell.

 

…Seattle weather is a real bitch, yet a raucous hailstorm is something I’ll never complain about.

 

…To have friends is amazing as hell. To have an incredibly diverse group of friends, is amazing to the (some number) power. Like when one of your best friends says, “Why are we even friends?” and you agree, “Right? Why?” But you still are.

That seems like gold.

 

…It was telling that, when at lunch with one of my best friends the other day, he said, in a sincere, off-hand way, “You’re always so quiet.” What’s interesting about that is, he never would have said that if it didn’t know me now like he knew me back then.

 

…Doing shots with your son, now there’s a thing.

 

…“As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.” Randall Brown

 

…The thing is, it doesn’t always have to be about You. It doesn’t. Sometimes it’s all about me, and I realize that doesn’t necessarily make me look good.

 —ONE MORE SONG ABOUT MOVING ALONG THE HIGHWAY

 

 

Wisdom, from Yellowstone

 

 

Grief isn’t meant to be shared.

 

I want a place with no memories, one that won’t ask me what happened.

 

When I said there’s no proof of my existence, I meant it.

 

You can’t wash lonely off, so I surrender to it.

 

If it doesn’t make you cry too watch your family fade away, you probably shouldn’t have one.

 

You’ll get exactly what you give.

 

Yeah, well, you’re worth the risk.

 

--I think about today and tomorrow. I don’t think about yesterday.

--Yeah? Well, yesterday is what eats me alive. 

 

I don’t like to share things. You know what I mean?

 

That’s why you’re mean, because nobody knows, because you keep it inside.

 

If it wasn’t perfect, it was damn close.

 

I worry about you, about your life and my place in it.

 

Nobody knows if you won or if you lost. It’s just art. But you’ve got to love doing it, all the way to your balls, otherwise it’s Hell on earth.

 

We’re looking for something, but you won’t tell me what.

 

This fucking day.

 

Is there a crisis manager on my team by chance?

 

I know how you feel. I wish I didn’t, but I do. 

 

--Have you been here before?

--I’ve never been anywhere before.

 

We’ve fallen into this pattern where, when we wake up, you’re off to work but I’m ready to fuck.

 

I’m not starting this day sober.

 —I CAN BUY MYSELF FLOWERS

 

 

…So, it’s Wednesday, one more day closer to Thursday and I’ve got “Julia,” by Mt. Joy, stuck in my head, after having had Miley Cyrus’s new song, “Flowers” stuck in my head forever.

But that’s neither here nor there…

 

…Midweek, here are some things that made me pause and think, and when a thing does that, even if I don’t know why, or what it exactly means at the time, I take a note and ponder over it... 

 

…“I think people are incapable of not caring. People are amazing. They really are. You’re amazing. Look at you right now. You're beautiful.” Charlie, The Whale

 

…“It’s sometimes hard to live in hope.” Karen Keller

 

…“I didn’t want to mess with happy. And we’re very happy. It’s really a very complex thing. But it’s also incredibly simple at the same time.” Aaron Goldsmith, on withdrawing his name for consideration as the voice of the St. Louis Cardinals, St. Louis being his hometown

 

… “I knew that I could not take a job, Cardinals or otherwise, based on money or ego. When I thought about talking to my kids about this, years down the road, when they’re old enough to understand life a little bit, if they were to ask me, ‘Dad, why did we move from Seattle to St. Louis?’ I would have to tell them, ‘So that Dad could be more famous and make more money.’ And we all know that those are both terrible reasons.” Aaron Goldsmith

 

…“Sometimes I wonder if the purpose of my writing is to find out whether other people have done or felt the same things, or if not, for them to consider experiencing such a thing as normal.” Annie Ernaux

 

…“I don’t think anyone can save anyone else.” Liz, The Whale

 

…“Having to answer such questions as, ‘Is it an autobiography?’ and having to justify this or that may have stopped many books from seeing the light of day, except in the form of a novel, which succeeds in saving appearances.” Annie Ernaux

…” I need to
read more
write more
finish what
I start and
start
again.”

--Iris N. Schwartz

 

…“Language had always saved me. The way we can play with it, surrender to it, lose ourselves in it. Wreck and recover on its shores.” Ada Limón

 

…“It’s a thin line between Heaven and Hell.” Bubs, The Wire

 

…“Once I start typing out the text, once it appears before me in public characters, I shall be through with innocence.” Annie Ernaux

  

…“The most interesting plants grow in the shade.” Marilyn Thornhill, Wednesday

 

...“Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe.” John Lennon, I Am The Walrus

 

...“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird

 

…“It doesn’t have to be blue iris, it can be weeds in a vacant lot. 

Just pay attention, then patch a few words together and don’t try to make them elaborate. This isn’t a contest but the doorway into thanks. A silence in which another voice may speak.” 

- Mary Oliver, Praying

 

...“In a sense, all film is entering into someone else’s dreams. Maybe we can even share the same dreams, exchange the same experiences.” David Lynch

 

...“Your days are numbered. Use them to throw open the windows of your soul to the sun. If you do not, the sun will soon set, and you with it.” David Crosby

 

…“I know what’s it like, to sit waiting for an email.” K.P.

—YOU’RE GIVING ME A MILLION REASONS, TO QUIT THE SHOW  

 

 

https://fictivedream.com/2023/01/20/death-of-the-sparrows/

 

 

“I cried reading this. So powerful.“

 

“This is such a special one.” 

 

“Such a powerful change halfway through. Superbly told.” 

 

“Couldn’t stop reading from beginning to end. Both captivating and riveting.”

 

“Wow, this is worth a read.“

 

“So powerful and gut-wrenching!” 

 

“Just excellent. An important story, this one. “

 

“Beautifully paced and very moving.” 

 

“What a powerful, surprising story you tell. Strong writing.”

 

“Such a moving story with such an unexpected turn.” 

—YOU SEE IT YOUR WAY, AND I SEE IT MINE, BUT WE BOTH SEE IT SLIPPING AWAY

 

 

Syrup on Fire

 

At the office party, past midnight, those of us still there were all stoned or drunk and on ecstasy, and so someone said we should have a staring contest, and whoever blinked first had to remove an article of clothing, the game continuing until one person was completely naked.

I got paired with Sarah, an account rep two floors down. She had unreal, violet eyes like Elizabeth Taylor, and inside them a kaleidoscope of various sprockets, tiny bursts of chestnut and gamboge. They were hypnotizing, as if my past and future were bundled inside each one and every past and future was entirely different, almost as if they might belong to someone else.

Minutes later, Sarah asked me, “What’s going on? You haven’t even blinked once and I’m down to my panties.”

When those came off, she wrapped them around my head and face. They smelled like summer, like life, sunflowers, leaves, mountain streams and honeydew. Through the sheer silk, I could see those purple eyes staring, my future and past all jumbled and conjoined inside them, nonsensical yet prophetic. The more she stared, the more I did, watching my past slip away until I saw my kids graduating, or else someone else’s kids graduating. I saw them having grandchildren. I saw a moving truck. Saw an empty apartment. I saw my wife signing papers then flipping me the bird across a mahogany table. I saw the lawyer mouth, “It happens sometimes.”

And when Sarah kissed me through the fabric, her lips tasted like an insurrection, like syrup on fire, like a cross on a hill where I’d been crucified by a desire I’d never find again if I didn’t kiss her back, right then, with my entire soul. 

And so, I did.

 —SEARCH THE DEFINITION OF AFRAID AND I’M SURE YOU’LL SEE MY FACE

 

Sunflowers

 

 

I pick you daises 

pansies bluebells 

and goose-neck 

sunflowers

the bouquet 

somewhat random 

if not top-heavy 

as I work my way 

down the hillside

looking at the sun 

for answers she’ll 

never share 

while a cloud skirts 

the scrim once again 

and I say I love you  

over and over

one petal at a time 

to no one there

 

—SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED TODAY

Brethren

 

You and I are

two thin threads 

pale reeds

twins in a way 

all that 

thirsty lust and

substance abuse

we share

cutthroat but dry

as brethren

or solemn prayer

swallowed whole

inside a hollow glass 

that leaks but 

never drips.

Who would have thought 

we’d be the ones 

to bury each other

without even leaving 

a note behind 

without ever 

bothering to utter

the word Help?

 

—I’VE SEEN IT RAIN AND FIRE IN THE SKY

 

 

…The pandemic (which is still going on, but has now somewhat passed its deadly peak) affected us all differently. 

For example, some people wore masks while some others thought TFWI.

For example, some people got vaccinated while others thought vaccination was a hoax or some kind of plot drummed up by the Left.

For example, some people were very sad because their way of life had been so altered i.e., not being able to commence with friends and family, or, at least, not in the same way. 

For example, some people stopped shopping all together, except for food and necessities.

Me, I shopped tons. More than ever.

I mean, I shopped A LOT. 

Online.

Way, way too much. 

At the time (I see now), it felt like I was giving myself the gift of hope—to get a shirt, or belt, or bracelets jackets necklaces shoes sweaters vests… in the mail.

Even though I couldn’t go out and wear any of these new purchases, buying that stuff was kind of like betting on the future, betting on hope, betting that things would eventually end up okay. 

But I looked at my closet the other day, really studied it, and saw how stuffed, how obese, it was, and I was right back there again, in the thick of those old N days, though back then it was suits and ties and a plethora of pocket squares, while now it is joggers and cashmere sweaters and shoes for fucking days on end.

It’s just one more thing to remind me that I’ve got a massive hole in me that I try to fill with other things, desperate as hell, and yes, I know that’s not healthy whatsoever. 

 

…I understand how important the power of self-talk is, yet, hey, this is me. What the hell am I going to say to myself?

 

…I could use a grand kid, or a puppy.

 

…This is the time of morning that feels very much like night. As if night will never end.

 

…Gosh, the mind has so many things to tell you, so many tools on hand, yet sometimes they’re sharp enough skin you alive.

 

…A longer-than-normal hug can solve so many things.

 

…Orange trees. Seeing one, for the first time, I thought it was a trick, like seeing Malibu, or a naked woman for the first time, or a calf being born, or Lucy waiting at the door for me.

I mean, how can anything possibly be that magnificent and sacred?

 

…Just to smell a rose right now would be something.

 

…I haven’t figured out the art of napping. Upon waking, I just feel drugged, like a Zombie without feelings or any sense of direction.

 

…Sometimes a long, hot shower is a form of deliverance. I’ll be having one soon.

 

…When the birds really go at it, chirping away, it reminds me how good life is.

 

…The other night I couldn’t sleep at all because the rain was flexing its muscles so hard and it sounded like someone was constantly coming into the bedroom, perhaps carrying a very sharp weapon. So, I just got up at 3 am, same as now. Sleep: TFWI.

 

…We’ve been at this for a long, long time.

..."All work, and no play, makes Jack a dull boy."

 

…Maybe sadness is a form of Stockholm Syndrome.

 

…Can you imagine living in Ukraine? Not knowing if, at any second, a bomb is going to drop on your home, or hospital, or school?

 

…Whatever saves you on those low days, you’ll do well to hold it very tight, gentle yet firm.

 

…I’m deleting as I’m going, which seems very wise in the moment.

 

…“You can always call me anytime,” is wonderful to hear, very thoughtful and tender, but when you’re there (the other you) buckled under the shelf, you don’t want to call anyone. You just want the shelf to 

drop 

hard

and be sure to

hit its mark.

 

…Thank God for family.

 

…Thank God for friends. 

 

…Thank God for the guillotine, with its beginning and its end. 

 

…So, let’s just end the start of the weekend with this quirky piece, by one of the best writers of our time (he died four days ago), the late, great Simic…

 

  

Comedy of Errors at an Elegant Downtown Restaurant

 

The chair is really a table making fun of itself. The coat tree has just learned to tip waiters. A shoe is served a plate of black caviar.

'My dear and most esteemed sir,' says a potted palm to a mirror, 'it is absolutely useless to excite yourself.'" 

- Charles Simic 

—SUNSHINE GO AWAY TODAY, I DON’T FEEL MUCH LIKE DANCING

 

Base Note

 

You and I are

two thin threads 

pale reeds

twins in a way 

all that 

thirsty lust

we share

as brethren

or solemn prayer

swallowed whole

inside a hollow glass 

that leaks but 

never drips.

Who would have thought 

we’d be the ones 

to bury each other

without even leaving 

a note behind 

without ever 

bothering to utter

the word Help?

 —CAN’T GET OUT OF THIS MOOD, HEARTBREAK HERE I COME

 

 

…The good news is that, after you’ve had a rough weekend, if you happen to make it through, there’s still a new week staring at you, eyes wide open, and here are some things I'd like to cite, to acknowledge that fact…

 

https://abc7ny.com/kayden-hern-poet-laureate-governor-kathy-hochul-inaugural-ceremony/12642031/

 

"My strategy is I don't look at the crowd, I look straight ahead and think of the good things that happened to you." 9-yearold Kayden Hern, newly named poet laureate of New York, on reading his work to audiences

 

“I do think most questions can be answered by standing in front of the ocean.” Nancy Stohlman

 

“I’ m going to enjoy whatever’s coming. I’m going to go to it laughing. And whatever happens after that, well, it was enough.” Brendan Fraser

 

“No matter what age someone is- death is still our enemy. “ Karen Keller

 

“Poetry is unlike other art forms because you can’t really do it for a living. It seems more a helpless disposition. I always think poetry may be one corner of a larger syndrome. It often involves obsessive and addictive personalities – and mental illness. Most poets can’t drive a car and the ones who do drive, shouldn’t.” Don Paterson

 

"Be proud of yourselves, whatever you do. Don't let anyone put you down. If you're gonna be angry, be angry at them. Celebrate yourself. Depression is part of being alive sometimes, as is anxiety. Life is tough." Anthony Hopkins

 

“What kept me going was that perfect song I kept hearing, just beyond the field of perceptible sound.” Joy Harjo

 

“At age 60, 70, later, you have so much more to contribute—don’t just sit down and say, ‘I’m done’.” Donna Mills

 

“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.” Ellen Burstyn

 

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”  Marcel Proust

 

“Far is seldom far enough, except when it comes to you.” Vahni Capildeo

 

“The best advice I ever had, that I extend to you, is ‘Be yourself’. You're the only person in the history of the world who is you.” Nancy Pelosi

 

“We were boys, built to love what was in front of our faces.” Kaveh Akbar

 

“I am convinced that LOVE is real…and that to live in it, through it, because of it, and AS it… is the meaning of life.” Ryan Meeks

 

“I think...if it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.

And every real heart has its own skeletons.”

~Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

 

“In this there is no measuring with time, a year doesn’t matter, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree.” Rainer Maria Rilke

 

“I'm a little buttercup in my yellow nightie

eating my eight loaves in a row

and in a certain order as in

the laying on of hands

or the black sacrament.

It's a ceremony

but like any other sport

it's full of rules.

It's like a musical tennis match where

my mouth keeps catching the ball.

Then I lie on; my altar

elevated by the eight chemical kisses.”

Anne Sexton, “The Addict”

 

“Everything that lives is holy.” William Blake

 

“Find where light in darkness lies.” Shakespeare

 

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease, forever, to be able to do it.” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

 

“Dogs are better than human beings, because they know, but do not tell.” Emily Dickinson 

 

“Love fiercely, because this all ends.” Danny Cafaro