--SOMETIMES GOODBYE IS A SECOND CHANCE


…I ran ten miles this morning. It was a bit farther than I should have went. Plus the last three miles were up hill so now my butt is screaming sore. But I guess that’s a good thing. A few more mornings like that and I’ll be able to break walnuts on my buttocks.
Or not.

…I’m going to AWP tomorrow. I have some ideas, but I’m a little bit nervous, a tad anxious.
I have a feeling I’m going to be a yard dog without a leash. I’ll be cut-off crusts. I’ll be tip toeing on one of Saturn’s rings. Maybe not, but those are the pictures that keep showing up in my movie trailer.
There are a lot of people I’d like to meet. I wonder if I’ll be able to match their Facebook photo to their real face with its whiskers or eyeliner. I wonder how brave and extroverted I’ll be.
It’d be nice if we all had to wear a name tag on our foreheads—then there’d be no guesswork involved.

…I got the new issue of Rolling Stone. It’s a thin as an envelope. 74 pages. Last month was a record low 67 pages.
They have Paul McCartney on the cover. He’s a legend but he’s 70-something. Last issue was Bruce Springsteen. In this month’s, they have an article with the title: “Is the CD Finally Dead?” An expert gives it three years tops.
I give Rolling Stone two years tops. And it breaks my heart to say that.

…In a different magazine I read yesterday, I read that a blogger needs to have approximately 10,000 (ten THOUSAND) followers in order to capture the attention of a mainstream book-publishing house.
Yikes.
I have exactly 1% of that number. So I guess that means I Am The 1%. Maybe I should up signs and protest.

…I like these things on a blustery night:

"We get through life with hard work, a little luck, and the kindness of others." Robert Dugoni

"You have to be a bulldog in this business, kid. You got to be a bulldog." Jane Rotrosen

"A writer's life is not designed to reassure your mother." Rita Mae Brown

"Solitude carries with it a risk, and the risk is loneliness." "Answers in the Heart"

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." E.H. Chapin

--WHEN YOU SAID THAT THING YOU SAID, DID YOU REALLY MEAN IT?


...I wasn't planning on watching "The Academy Awards" but I ended up there anyway.
The thing you have to remember before you start watching is it's never going to be as good as you think. The whole thing is just people getting up in front a microphone and thanking all of these other people you've never heard of. That part is necessary and quite boring.
The interim bits are hit and miss, as they were again this year, though jowly Billy Crystal was more on than off.
I did think--for the most part--the winners did a nice job of congratulating the people they were up against in the same category.
It's pretty tough to win, if you think about it.
Mara Rooney--my fave--who was brilliant in "Dragon Tattoo", was up again stellar performances by Glen Close, Octavia Davis and eventual winner, Meryl.
But you get nominated and you have that for all time and it's a good thing.

...I had this piece published in the UK print journal Turbulence:


Master of the Ring

Even at my death
You boast of grandeur
And your time at the circus
Again again
Clowns gather round
To toss plates while riding unicycles
The gray elephant sprays spittle on the crowd
You crack your whip
And the lion sits
A fat lady sings
Two double-headed monkeys curtsy
For the finale you press your pop gun
Against my forehead
Pull the trigger
Putting bullets in me
While people applaud
And plead
For an
Encore

--MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK FIRST


...I used to see those bumper stickers on cars-- "Life is A Bitch, and then you die."
I hated them, their cynism.
And this one, too-- "Life is a Bitch, then you marry one."
A woman is not a Bitch.
Life's not a Bitch, either.
Are you kidding me?
How lucky are we? Stop being so self=-absorbed. Life is finite. It's shrinking at this very moment, which means it is precious, actually the most precious thing there is.

-"When I grow up, I want to be a little boy." Joseph Heller

-"Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction, but only waits to be provoked." Katherine Anne Porter

-"Love your self's self where it lives." Anne Sexton

-"Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle that fits them all." Oliver Wendell Holmes

--YOU RECOVER QUICKLY


…I started reading Erica Wright’s poetry collection, “Instructions for Killing the Jackal.”
I started reading it in the bath tub.
I nearly drown reading it.
Holy hell is she good.
I wish I had some of her skills.
I think she’s a teacher. Maybe I should move to where she lives, attend her classes that she teaches, and try to learn some skills of my own.
Here is a sample, from “Misbegotten”:

“I’ll hold you if you must rest in me.
What prize I’ve won. What ilk. For hooking necks
of bottle with rings—plastic, dirty, bent.
carnivals stroke the young and the lived-in
couched in country witched with miscarriage.
Doorsteps become you. Silence. Bruises.
Fear I’ll let you linger, pathway-bound and blue
like stillborns. These become you.”

See what I mean?
Do yourself a favor and buy Erica’s book. It’s only $14.

…It’s my dad’s birthday on the 27th.
I went to the store to get him a card. I hate buying cards because they’re all so cheesy. Usually I just get one with an arty photo on the cover and nothing inside and then I write my own soliloquy.
But I think my dad likes sappy cards and on one’s birthday one should more or less get what one desires, right?
At the store I went to they are big on selling greeting cards. They had The Great Wall of China filled with them.
And they were all very organized, too, with helpful title slides.
What was weird was they didn’t have a single title slide that said, “Happy Birthday for Dad.”
They had them that said, “Happy Birthday for Mom.”
Happy birthday for religious Mom”
“Happy birthday for funny Mom. Romantic Mom. Religious Grandma. Granddaughter. Sister. Sister in-law. Niece. You niece. Aunt. Friend. One Year Old. Two Year Old. Three Year Old… 16 Year Old.”
But none for Dad. I found that peculiar. Being a father myself, I was also a little perturbed.
And there you have my rant for the day.

…Otherwise, I like these things:

-"I think you do your best when you're doing it for someone else. Think of when you're first in love, what power that gives you. You're like superman--because you're doing it for someone else."
-"There's a real wisdom to not saying a thing." Willem Dafoe

-"He has outsoared the shadow of our night." John Domini

-"But something occurred to me as I sped through that dirty shroud of fog, something Vonnegut has been trying to explain to the rest of us for most of his life. And that is this: Despair is a form of hope. It is an acknowledgment of the distance between ourselves and our appointed happiness. At certain moments, it is reason enough to live." Steve Almond

HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT US SO FAR?


…Yesterday.

Yesterday I threw away thousands and thousands of my own words. Maybe over a hundred thousand. Perhaps more.
I decided to get organized and go through the stacks and stacks of papers and folders.
There were sections of stories, half-finished pieces, really bad poetry, broke-down sentences, phrases, a line here and there that didn't make sense but must have at the time I wrote them down. The majority of it was really horrid.
It felt good to purge, to get my office less cluttered, but what I tossed was some really bad (okay, shitty) writing.
It nicked my confidence a bit. I kept thinking--How can the person who wrote this be the same person who wrote that other (good) thing? It was a big disconnect, let me tell you.

…But then, yesterday I submitted a poem and got it accepted seven minutes later. That's a record.

…Yesterday two different people asked me to read and review their book. I said, "Yes." I'm not very good at the word No. Plus I like to help people. Plus I'd like to know they'd do the same--or similar for me, even though I'm not really great at asking for help.

…Yesterday the power went out again. This happens frequently where I live because I am in the boonies with telephone poles and power lines exposed, not to mention lots of trees, many of which are old and arthritic (well, for trees) and tend--when it's windy--to topple over said power lines.
I am a spoiled American and therefore really enjoy the use of electricity.
I am a spoiled American and take the consistent and immediate use of electricity at my disposal for granted.
I admit it.
I could never make it in the woods with a lantern. I couldn't even make it with a camper fully stocked with food and a year's worth of propane. Even the word "camping" makes me anxious.

…Yesterday I felt really lonely at one point. I started feeling sorry for myself. Then I realized how idiotic and self-indulgent that was.

…Yesterday is over and now it's today. That's just how it works.

"Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step
would carry us clear through them." Brendan Francis

"Everything eternal happens in a spare room at 3am." Ron Dakron

"Ek mis jou, أفتقدك, Ես քեզ կարոտում եմ, Seni özledim, Ez dut, Я сумую па табе, আমি আপনি ফসকান, 我想念你, Jeg savner dig, Ma igatsen sind, Sinto saudades de ti, Μου λείπεις, Ég sakna þín, Fada liom uaim tú, Mi manchi, 私はあなたがいなくて寂しい, Ego te requiro, دلم برایت تنگ شده, Я скучаю по тебе, Em nhớ anh, Te extraño."
"I miss you" in 22 different languages.

--EVERY NEW BEGINNING IS SOME OTHER BEGINNING'S END


…Here are the things I like today:

"The world is full of paper. Write to me."
Agha Shahid Ali

"To be alive, to be able to see, to walk,...it's all a miracle." Arthur Rubinstein

"People call me an optimist, but I'm really an appreciator....When I
was six years old and had scarlet fever, the first of the miracle
drugs, sulfanilamide, saved my life. I'm grateful for computers and
photocopiers...I appreciate where we've come from." Julian Simon

"There is an internal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives." Josephine Hart, "Damage"

"I have discovered in life that there are ways of getting almost anywhere you want to go, if you really want to go." Langston Hughes

"Being the best is great, you're number one; but being unique is greater, you're the only one." Unknown

"When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be around you." Tolstoy

"If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you." Henry Rollins

"Nobody wants to fuck with a poet because they'll tell on your shit." Amber Flame

“A page of good prose is invincible.” John Cheever

“Write every day. Anything you do every day gets easier.”
“Write even if the mood isn’t right. You can’t tell if what you’re writing is any good or bad while you’re writing it.”
“Write when the book sucks and isn’t going anywhere. Just keep writing. It doesn’t suck.”
--Cory Doctorow

"I only write when I am inspired. Fortunately I am inspired at 9 o'clock every morning." William Faulkner

"To live at this time is an inestimable privilege, and a sacred
obligation devolves upon you to make right use of your opportunities
"Maybe nobody will care about printed books 50 years from now, but I do. When I read a book, I'm handling a specific object in a specific time and place. The fact that when I take the book off the shelf it still says the same thing – that's reassuring. Someone worked really hard to make the language just right, just the way they wanted it. They were so sure of it that they printed it in ink, on paper. A screen always feels like we could delete that, change that, move it around. So for a literature-crazed person like me, it's just not permanent enough." Jonathan Franzen

--I CAN'T DECIDE IF YOU HAVE EVERYTHING OR NOTHING


…I have a new story (“What the Seasons Mean to Me”) up at Pure Slush and two poems (“Loofa” and “Sharp and Serrated”) at The Rusty Nail.
All are also here under “Words In Print.”

…I wrote two stories on Sunday. One was very short, just over 200 words. The other was twice as long. I really like it-- "The Shape of Us." I might read it at AWP. It's pretty depressing, however. We'll see.

…Yesterday I wrote two more in the bathtub. Both involved physical violence but were very different. I think they were pretty good. I'm not sure why I wrote them. I guess I just don't understand how a man could batter a woman. It's unfathomable to me, and therefore fascinating subject matter.

…The other night I went to hear my brother in-law’s band. It was at a wine store. The place was packed. The wine, entertainment, and company were all excellent. Several times people asked me about my writing. Several times different people said, "Well how do you get paid for stories that are published online?" Everyone wanted to know about the money angle and it was as if I wasn't a legitimate writer unless I could produce a pay check or point to a physical book on a shelf with my name on it. They weren't being mean. It was just a natural reaction. And because so many people reacted the same way, I'm thinking that's a pretty common perception.
So I'm just dealing with it, not feeling sorry for myself, but wanting to share this with you.

…I’ve really been enjoying my new Leonard Cohen and Tom Waits cd’s. They’re both originals, certainly daring. When I listen to Waits I hear raw-throated honesty. I smell sweat, urine and whisky, and not in that order. I hear scraping bar stools, the chink of drinking glasses and the sloppy slither or barley and hops.
Hearing Cohen’s spoken word/rap-style song-working is a bit like hearing God tell you a story from a high-pitched cloud.

…AWP is eight days away. AWP is a big writer's conference, mainly indie presses and online sites. Over 10,000 people are attending. I went last year. It was fun and intimidating. I expect the same this year.
I'm a little nervous.

…Here are a few things I like to the start of a short work week:
"The great thing and the hard thing is to stick to things when you
have outlived the first interest, and not yet got the second, which
comes with a sort of mastery." Janet Erskine Stuart

"You know what luck is? Luck is believing you're lucky, that's all ..." Stanley Kowalski in "A Streetcar Named Desire"

"Words lead to deeds. They prepare the soul, make it ready, and move it to tenderness." Saint Teresa

"There's no end to the fears and terrors and anxieties that slip into a writer's head at any given moment." Nathan Englander