—DAYDREAMIN’ AND I’M THINKING OF YOU

 

 More Randall Brown

  

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said, “Do you mind waiting a bit?” I said, “No.” “Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table 9.”

 

“What’s the best gift you can give?”

“A broken drum. Nobody can beat that.”

 

I saw a brand-new clock in the garbage the other day. Such a waste of time.

 

A truck overloaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

 

I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

 

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

 

I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!

 

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

 

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

 

"I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."

 

"My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."

 

I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

 

“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.”

 

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

 

Why did the monk refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

 

The vendor fixed up a hot dog with fried onions, gherkins, and mustard and handed it to the Zen master, who paid with a £20 note. The vendor put the note in his register and snapped it shut.

"I'm sorry, where's my change?" said the Zen master.

"Brother," said the vendor, "change comes from within."

 

“My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.”

 

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

 

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? 

They’re both cauld ron.

 

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

 

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

 

“My boyfriend took me to a restaurant called Karma.”

“What do they serve?”

“Just desserts.”

 

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars. 

• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. 

• A bar was walked into by the passive voice. 

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. 

• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” 

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite. 

• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything. 

• A question mark walks into a bar? 

• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. 

• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type." 

• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. 

• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. 

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. 

• A synonym strolls into a tavern. 

• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. 

• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment. 

• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. 

• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered. 

• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel. 

• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known. 

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph. 

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra. 

• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. 

• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. 

• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget. 

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 

I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business. But at least I had time to fritter away.

 

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? 

Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.