--DO YOU EVER WONDER?

…Still reeling a bit about my book release.  Is that okay?  I’m very excited.

…Watched the first episode of “Shameless” last night.  It has a different vibe, but it’s still great.  Also re-watched the first few episodes of “American Horror Story” with my son, who has never seen it, and I realized just how brilliant that show is.

…Here are some funny and interesting things my Facebook friends had to say of late:

-Slip the panties right to the side, ain't got the time to take drawers off.

-NEWS FLASH:
If you and I have never slept together, and you'd like to fuck me while I'm still in my twenties, now's the time to try. I turn thirty in 17 days, and I'll never be twenty-something again, so like, what are you waiting for? I'm not promising anything, because these days I am way more into turning down sex than having it, but taking me to dinner and a movie, or perhaps buying me a nice outfit, would really help your chances. A movie + dinner + an outfit = an (almost guaranteed) kiss on the cheek and a really long hug, or, at the very least, a high five and a ruffle of the hair (yours or mine, top of the head hair only).
PM me or post below. I am open to negotiation. Pitch your woo.
xoxoxxx

-Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

-Best quote of the week...."hey mom, do you want to smell my armpits? " (enthusiastically running downstairs after applying mom's deodorant)

-I wish I could be one of those oblivious people. U know, the ones that pull up in car line to let their kids out, the kid isn't ready and takes about 5 min to get out of the damn car meanwhile the rest of us r waiting behind Miss Oblivious who is sitting there w that stupid sweet smile looking at her stupid sweet child who is still zipping their school bag cuz they obviously had no idea they had to get out of the car to get into the school.I'd love to b that oblivious with th...e sweet smile on my face and have that child who believes the world waits for them. I'd have less stress, less wrinkles, my kids wud probably like me more and I'd probably be a much more pleasant person. But I'm not. I'm the deranged woman behind u doing everything I can not to lay on my horn or jump out of my car, grab ur hair and smack that stupid smile off of ur oblivious face because its hard enough to get my kids to school b4 the damn bell rings and u r taking up precious minutes smiling at ur stupid disorganized kid. Yeah, I'm that person.

-TA literally just asked, "What about the Holocaust bothers you?"

-So as he awoke this morning, I asked my husband if he had seen my post on Facebook. Drily, he replied, "No. I de-friended you."

-MANSPLAIN 101: When man sees woman carrying STROLLER up the stairs in subway and instead of offering to help her (she seemed to need assistance) he said, "the elevator is behind you." I helped her, and then told him to suck all my dicks.

-dating advice i have learned so you don't have to:

-if a guy tells you that he gets off from being sat on and does not do penetrative sex, leave his apartment immediately
-if a guy tells you he has been arrested eight times, do not let him move into your dorm
-if a guy either brings you a bottle of port or does butt workouts to old jane fonda tapes, he is gay. i don't like to make broad statements regarding sexuality, but in this case, i am correct.

-do not kiss people you used to have feeling for.  I have done this three times.  It only leads to confusion.

-if a guy plays, “heard it through the grapevine,” he is planning to get back with his ex.

-do not sleep with someone who has outright told he has done meth.  He is not jesse pinkman.  You can tell yourself his is, but is not.  I repeat, HE IS NOT JESSE PINKMAN.

-do not have unprotected sex with a guy who is missing a very important tooth and/or tells you he has done heroin in thailand and/or has a tattoo of an umbrella on his back.  If one person has all these qualities, then congratulations, we’ve both made the same bad decision.-do not kiss people you used to have feelings for. i have done this three times. it only leads to confusion.
-if a guy plays you "i heard it through the grapevine," he is planning to get back with his ex
-do not sleep with someone who has outright told you that he has done meth. he is not jesse pinkman. you can tell yourself that he's jesse-do not kiss people you used to have feelings for. i have done this three times. it only leads to confusion.
-if a guy plays you "i heard it through the grapevine," he is planning to get back with his ex
-do not sleep with someone who has outright told you that he has done meth. he is not jesse pinkman. you can tell yourself that he's jesse pinkman, but i repeat, HE IS NOT JESSE PINKMAN
-the only person the "but he's in a baaand" excuse works for is mick jagger-do not kiss people you used to have feelings for. i have done this three times. it only leads to confusion.
-if a guy plays you "i heard it through the grapevine," he is planning to get back with his ex
-do not sleep with someone who has outright told you that he has done meth. he is not jesse pinkman. you can tell yourself that he's jesse pinkman, but i repeat, HE IS NOT JESSE PINKMAN
-the only person the "but he's in a baaand" excuse works for is mick jagger