--I'M STILL HERE
…For some reason, the photos don't show up (you can imagine them), but I thought this piece from The Onion was
funny and clever:
Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great
News • Science &
Technology • Social Media
• ISSUE 49•39 • Sep 25, 2013
The representation of the couple’s marriage on Facebook is rich,
happy, and without trouble or doubt.
SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that
the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook
version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely
well.
Several of the Wheelers’ Facebook friends stated that the
couple’s profile pictures and cover photos—in which the two are seen smiling
side-by-side at a local street festival, dressed in coordinated Halloween
costumes, and embracing in silhouette as their shadows stretch out across a beach—confirm
that the digital version of their married life remains as enriching and vibrant
as ever.
“Wow, Annie and Colin are really going strong,” said
acquaintance Ellen Watney of the couple’s marriage as it appears online,
pointing to a recent six-image photo album titled “Paninis in the park!” that
showed how the Wheelers are always laughing, having fun, and playfully enjoying
each other’s company. “It’s nice to see a married couple that is as close as
they are and that truly loves spending time together.”
“They’re clearly having a blast,” added Watney of the social
networking–based version of the Wheelers’ relationship, citing picture captions
that included “watching the sunset together”
Sources say photos such as this prove that the
Wheelers’ Facebook marriage is stronger than ever.
Sources also noted that the Wheelers regularly post upbeat
status updates featuring smiling emoticons in which they recount the restaurant
meals they have shared, recap exciting weekend travels, or simply announce
their plans for “a cozy night in together,” revealing that the two enjoy a
deeply connected, emotionally fulfilling marital bond on Facebook.
Further reports indicated that the Wheelers’ romance was
likewise alive and well in the Instagram iteration of their marriage. According
to followers, a number of vintage-inspired photos of the couple on the Golden
Gate Bridge and attending an outdoor concert demonstrated that, as far as their
presence on the virtual photo-sharing network was concerned, the pair share an
effortlessly enjoyable and enriching partnership that is never marred by
tension, boredom, or irritation.
“Those two are always going out and having a ton of fun
together,” said former college classmate Daniel Felix, confirming that the
spark has never left the social media representation of the couple’s marriage.
“A few weeks ago, Colin tweeted about the wineries he and Annie were visiting
for their anniversary, and then just recently he posted a picture of them
biking together. It all sounds so great. He and Annie apparently have something
really special together.”
According to reports, the Wheelers’ children are also doing
equally well in the internet versions of their lives. Sources confirmed that a
set of photographs taken at a local carnival and recently posted to Annie
Wheeler’s profile displayed how happy and well-adjusted the couple’s 5- and
7-year-old son and daughter are, with many of the pictures receiving dozens of
likes and long strings of admiring comments.
“Oh my God, those kids are too cute,” said Facebook friend Janna
Baldwin of Madeline and Jake Wheeler as she clicked through photos depicting
the two beaming children, who, according to how they are portrayed on the
social media site, do not get tired or moody, always treat their respective
sibling with respect and love, and consistently behave themselves in both
private and public. “Just look at Maddy sharing her cotton candy with Jake. And
there’s another one of them falling asleep in the car. They’re so sweet.”
“You can tell Annie and Colin really raised them well,” Baldwin
added of the electronic representation of the Wheeler family. “They’ve built
such a warm, loving home.”
Several acquaintances also noted that Annie Wheeler is an
extremely engaged and devoted mother on Pinterest. According to the images
pinned to her “Family Meals” and “Crafting With My Kids” boards, Wheeler is a
remarkable online version of a mom, possessing plenty of free time to cook
intricate, visually appealing, and nutritious meals for her husband and
children, while also having the patience to sit down with her kids after work
and create a wide variety of elaborate and time-intensive arts and crafts
projects.
“It’s really enviable how tight-knit the Wheeler family is,”
said Facebook friend Chelsea Carmichael, basing her comments on a string of
mobile photo uploads from a recent family vacation with Colin Wheeler’s
parents, the entire span of which was evidently spent relaxing happily in each
other’s company while swimming and grilling, and was not once tarnished by
short tempers or strained periods of silence. “I love looking at their
pictures. They just have such a wonderful time together.”
“They’re so happy, and their marriage will truly stand the test
of time,” the friend continued of the version of the Wheelers’ lives that
appears on her news feed. “Facebook proves that definitively.”
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