—‘CAUSE I’M PICKING UP THE STONES WITHOUT YOU

  

my body

 

 

my body’s been

letting me down lately

and yeah I know

of course I do

take a number duh

you can’t feel safe

at every break

everybody knows that

but nobody knows what

to take when the

fire’s raging

unless you have those

rapid-fire mother instincts

wait

is that sexist

feminist

motherist

prolly

sorry I’m just here

breathing out loud

it’s monday and I don't

know what to do

or where to go

or who to call

because I don’t want

to talk to anybody

but you

though you’re not there

and so my body says

it’s not a part of me

says ha

says you’re in

the wrong line

says this one is actually

going somewhere

says step down

says step away fool

 

 

—AND I HAVE THIS DREAM WHERE I’M SCREAMING UNDERWATER

 

 

      the disappointment raft

 

 

packed up my disappointments

  put them on a raft

watched them float stocky

  through all the smoke and ash

but it’s like trying to

  rewrite a false memory

cause don’t you know

  they sailed right back to me

the waves on fire

  water hissing like electric spit

I shot my best arrow at it

  but didn’t hit shit

it’s been a hard time

  trying to conger yum

nothing’s appealing nothing’s fun

  it might be what I’m drinking

or the early hour

  that last scratch’s got me

playing Phoebe feeling pretty dour

  Kyoto or Funeral

I’m going to steal the lyrics

  rewrite my obituary

top it off with hysterics

  time to sit my sad ass

on the disappointment raft

  paddle through the brown haze

breath deep and not look back

 

—THE CROWDS ROAR, THE DAYS SOAR, THE BABIES CRY

  

oh wonder

 

Heaven’s ahead of me

riding out a storm

I can’t see

hoping for closure

while some parse

false memories

and man-made fallacies

not so sure

I’m to go there

 

sun’s shining

chartreuse 

but mostly bleak

beneath the flames

a smoke anomaly

maybe it’s the

end of things

world without a gurney

hope doused out

by apathy  

devil winning all the swings

 

and the colors can’t renew

they’re just fifty

shades of blue

thought I walked off you

ha

went to the water

and saw myself that way

ran out of things to say

turned out to be true

so fucking blue

 

don’t breathe in deep

I’m losing sleep

losing air losing dreams

losing everywhere

looking like a corner creep

thought I walked off you

ha

but that cliff was unforgiving

looked futuristic

and way too steep

 

oh wonder

what wonder

where’d you go

had a good look at you once

now I’m caught in the undertow

blinded by a thick snow

now I don’t know

the real me

from a facsimile

 

between God and me

I’m learning to deflect

or set it free

how’s that

ha

but it hurts like fuck

bores to the 

core of me

it’s not an urge it’s a need

no soliloquy

though Heaven

keeps singing

Inshallah

Inshallah

Inshallah

 

 

—IT STARTED WITH A WHISPER

 

 

Yellow Mama

 

Had a dream  

the pandemic

never ended

and angels

fell like ash

through the

concussed air

but you

weren’t there

to catch them

while I remained

sequestered in

an electric chair 

conscience too weak

to fight clean

or play fair

and there were

crowds watching

without masks

children slurping 

ice cream

tossing vulgarities

until someone

started the countdown

as cheers pinged

off the walls

near sundown

volts shot through me

an acrid plume

smoke screen

filing the room  

blinding everyone

ending all our fun

ending all our fun

 

 

—WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THE INVISIBLE MAN?


Purple Cafe and Wine Bar, Seattle, 9/25/2020

this poem’s
been drinking
since the
apocalypse
curbed my nerve
dropped me in a cage
turned my yum to ash
and I can’t stop
regretting those
times I left
and all the time
I set aside
as if reduction
is gratuity
or naivety
the absence of
life on high
another unsaid
goodbye
even I
didn’t think you
could sanitize the sky
but it’s possible
to euthanize desire
canal through the root
bury it all
in heaps of soot
until blue goes gray
white goes red
and you find
yourself alone
at a table  
in the land of
the walking dead

 

 —AND IF YOU HAD A BAD WEEK, I’LL BE THE ONE TO TOUCH YOUR CHEEK

 

Note To My Younger Self

Dear Len,

 

  You don’t need to be so sad and frightened all the time, but it’s okay if you are so long as it doesn’t make you even more sad and frightened.

 

  You are both smarter and stronger than you think. Be aware of your self-talk and try to dwell on the positive aspects of yourself.

 

  Stop laying out in the sun with baby oil on your skin. If you have to be in the sun, use SPF 30.

 

  Keep a journal.

 

  Follow your dream of being a writer and forget any other career options.

 

  Be honest and brave with yourself. It will prepare you for the therapy you’ll need later in life.

 

  Say “I love you” when you feel it, no matter who makes you feel it.

 

  Realize life isn’t just about pleasure and experiencing things, it’s mostly about learning and growing.

 

  Do hard things.

 

  When you struggle with something, find who’s best at that thing and mimic what they do.

 

  Dream whenever you can, and dream big.

 

  Don’t knock yourself for being a romantic and a dreamer. The world needs more of these.

 

  Learn how to say, “No” to people when you really don’t want to do what they’re asking.

 

  Try not to judge (It’s a difficult task).

 

  Cry if you feel like it, and never hold it in.

 

  Try to remember that human beings fuck up, so be forgiving (This is also a difficult task).

 

  Be aware that you are who you are so far because of the accumulation of all the days you’ve lived up to this moment. Many of those bad moments weren’t your fault. Realize you can overcome them and be anything you want to be.

 

  If you’re angry (Depression is anger turned inward), let it burst out. Avoiding it or trying to suppress it will only scar you more.

 

  If you want a migraine-free future, stay away from Mickey Purcell in 6^th grade.

 

  Even if you’re poor, shoplifting is not cool.

 

  Learn to genuinely tell people you miss them when you feel that way.

 

  Get a pet and love them as unconditionally as they will love you.

 

  Seek out and befriend the outcasts. In many ways, you’re one of them yourself.

 

  Learn good eating habits early on. Exercise. Don’t obsess about your weight. Good health is something you can control.

 

  It’s okay not to be famous so long as you are doing what you love.

 

  Don’t skip the Bee Gees “One Night Only Concert” in Vegas. You’ll really regret it.

 

  Floss.

 

  Avoid drinking Spodie Odie in college.

 

  Get a camera and take photos of the sights that amaze you. Write the date and place on the back. Keep these near your journal.

 

  When you’re feeling blue, remember that you have a good heart. The point being, you’re a wonder, even if you aren’t aware of it. The point being, you’re a gift, even if you don’t believe it.

 

—I GOT HALF A MIND TO SCREAM OUT LOUD

 

 …One of the few good things to come out of 2020 and the apocalypse is that I’ve learned a great deal about issues and people I might not have otherwise. I knew quite a bit about Ruth Bader Ginsburg before her passing, but I discovered so much more watching the documentary “RBG”. What a woman and stealth force….

 

 “I wanted to be that woman who stood in front of a man and said, ‘I can do this, too.’”

 

 “I learned very early that being a woman was an impediment. We did not have equal rights.”

 

 “I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask is that they take their feet off our necks.” Jane Hunter

 

 In 1970, 12 states still had laws that forbade men from being charged with raping their wives.

 

 “Women have always been branded inferior.”

 

 “What has become of me could only happen in America. Neither of my parents had the means to go to college, but they taught me to value learning at a very young age. They taught me to love books and wonder.”

 

“She had this quiet magnetism. Often you didn’t even think she was listening to you, while, in fact, she was always listening intently.” Sally Kittener

 

 “She had two lessons she repeated over and over to herself: Be a lady, and be independent.” S.K

 

 “I had the great good fortune to share life with a partner, a man who believed that a woman’s work—whether at home or in the office—was just as important as a man’s.”

 

 “Marty was the first man I met who cared that I had a brain. In the 50’s, most men didn’t.”

 

 “I tend to be rather sober.”

 

 “And then I got the idea that you could do something to make society better.”

 

 “I told the court: Just wait and see. You will be proud of the women of VMS.”

 

 “I see the Constitution as striving for a more perfect Union.”

 

 “It is essential to women’s equality with men, that she be the decision-maker, and that when government makes that decision for her, she is belittled.”

 

 “The way to win an argument is not to yell.”

 

 “Whether you agree with her or not, you still have to admire her.” Orin Hatch

 

 “She was five feet tall, and stuffed with dynamite.” A.M.

 

 “She was incredibly good at finding common ground.” Bill Clinton

 

 “She captured for all of us what it was like to be a second-class citizen.” Gloria Steinem 

 

 “I think generally, in our society, real change happens one step at a time.”

 

 “She wanted to build the identity of a woman’s equality, step by step, like knitting a sweater.” Arthur Miller

 

 “I am overwhelmed by the beauty of music, the sound of the human voice. It’s like an electric current running through me.”

 

 “I really just aspire to achieve and contribute to society all that I can.”

 

 “There’s always an opportunity to teach, especially when you think, ‘How would I like the world to teach our daughters?’”

 

 “She was doing something incredibly important for women, whether they knew it, or not.” G.S.

 

 “When I graduated from Harvard Law School in 1959, I moved to NYC and not a single firm would hire me.”

 

 “It’s like throwing away your umbrella because you’re not getting wet.”

 

 “She will work til 3 4, 5 in the morning and have to be back at work by 9.” Jane Ginsburg

 

 You can’t spell truth without Ruth.