--THREE YEARS IS A REALLY LONG TIME
…Hey Friday, how are you doing? You look great.
I hope your weekend is one for the ages, whatever that means.
Here are some insights from Facebook friends in the last few days or so:
-The lady next to me on the plane asked me if I had "little ones" waiting at home for me. I said, "Yeah, but they'll probably just feign indifference and lick their butts when they see me." She did not talk to me for the rest of the flight.
-The most unromantic thing a woman can say to a man after having sex. I'll start:Will you let me know when it is over?
-sitting at breakfast, googling "mexican drug cartel instagram."
-At IHOP for breakfast. Sometimes you have to be willing to pay for the ambience.
-There was a bottle of whiskey here. It's gone now.
-Sometimes I think my mother is watching over me from above, but since I usually think about this when I'm in the bathroom, it's kind of creepy.
-Asking for a friend: have you ever been called a hipster douchebag because you had wine and dips and chips?
-That feeling you get when you finish sewing in bed and can't find the needle...
-They are building a Fuddrucker's right next to Sonic and Five Guys. That's a lot of dead cow on one block.
-Sometimes I glance at my face in the mirror with makeup on and, it's unfortunate, but I think of Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie
-you know someone is your best friend when they casually say, "but I thought you were a Satanist?"
-Be nice to everybody they might be the Angel of Death, or have an in ground swimming pool.
-I was telling my class that we were having problems with packs of coyotes in our neighborhood and weren't sure how to keep them at bay, and one student said, "Why don't you use tranquilizers?" And I said, "I would, but unfortunately, I've already returned all of your essays."
-Two drinks a day leads to a 10-15% increase in longevity. Gaining a bit of weight as an older person also makes one live longer. Coffee helps, too. Yes.
-I walked into my locked room and a cat was in it. I do not own a cat. It meowed and then jumped out my window.
-The woman next to me on this train is harshly berating her family over their choice of snacks. She just compared her husband to a Holocaust denier because he claims the animal crackers from Fresh Direct are as good as the ones from Trader Joe's. This is amazing.
2. Replace smoking with another hobby like shooting heroin or habitual masturbation (unless you think these would be improved by smoking, in which case you should avoid these activities at all costs).
3. Kill yourself.