--YOU'RE VERY PHOTOGENIC
…Well, I got up early and ran 12 miles on the trail in town this
morning. That’s the longest I’ve gone in
quite some time. Unfortunately, I’m also
giving blood in an hour. I hate giving
blood. Half the time they jab that
needle in too hard. Still, I’d like to
think someone else would donate blood if I needed some.
…My son’s best friend’s house burnt down last night. He lives across the lake. Everything is gone. He’s a great kid and I feel terrible for
him. He’ll probably be living here a
while.
…I have this last story up at Pure Slush to finish out my run as
Featured Writer for June:
…I’m dying to see “Fruitvale” and I hope it’s out this weekend. You should see it, too.
…Here are some funny things someone sent me:
THOSE
FLORIDA DRIVERS
An
elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been
broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer
is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three
sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old
draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes
her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She
knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I
CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three
retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One
remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second
man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
am I. Let's have a beer."
______________________________________
A
little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she
walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE
An
older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but
the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to
hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A
few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to
sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To
get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN
AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year
old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her
clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my
hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear
shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD
FRIENDS
Two
elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time
...but I just can't think of your
name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is."
Her
friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR
DRIVING
As
a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!"
"Hell,"
said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING
Two
elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a
red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in
the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay
very close attention to the road and sure enough, when they came to the third
red light, they went right on through. So, she turned to the other woman
and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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