--EVERYONE SAYS THEY LOVE YOU

…I love Facebook.  It's kind of fun being a bit of a voyeur.

I wish I was more clever.

These are actual, unedited bits from Facebook, intended for your reading enjoyment…

Sometimes you gotta remember not all people are bad....some are just too fucking stupid to know right from wrong.

I have given up on losing 7 pounds in the next 7 days and am soaking my jeans with water and stretching them over wooden chairs.

whoops! there's beer falling into my mouth!

I no longer poke. And I no longer accept pokes. But I may make exceptions once a month.

 Where the hell are my birthday wishes people?

Portland has this phenomenon that I haven't noticed anywhere else where obese people get around in wheelchairs. Today I was in the grocery store and a man got out of his chair and stood up to grab a loaf of bread. So I yelled, "Praise Jesus! It is a miracle!" And he joined me in a celebration of our Lord.

Wow. Just wow.

Fuck science, fuck everything!

Happy news on Linked In! This morning I was endorsed by a businessman named Bob Bobstein for my incredible finesse and excellence in impersonating the late, great Carl Malden, and accepting marriage proposals in three languages based on lottery results.

I ate two hot dogs. they were good.

An elderly woman just walked through my bedroom wall and she's now staring at me. What should I do?

Fri-mother-fucking-day.
Bitch.

Just dug two pieces of glass out of my hand

Oh no! My foot fell asleep while looking at Facebook and I can't get up to GET MY GLASS OF 5:00 WINE! HELP ME!

just had one of the most intense sexual non sexual experience on the tube with one of the most attractive people i have ever seen in my life.

the great pyramid was a power plant & aliens are awesome.

Today, I had to reassure my mother that I write fiction.

In exactly three words, please describe what you do when you're nervous.

"I can't stand oppression much longer. Someone say a prayer."

another dismal day in paradise.

Closed minds really should have closed mouths, too.

I have been sick all day.  I got food poisoning last night and now I have a headache. At least I got my hair colored last night!!

Hey, so I have a poem about donuts.

Totally spooked. My TV just came on by itself.

"Snorting chalk out of Satan's ass crack"

Just so you know, America is slowly becoming a bad comedy.

That is some nasty sh**. 

Dear Google,When has it been ok to reveal a lady's age? Shame shame.

If I pass out and hit my head and don't wake up (lack of commas denotes delusion) please distribute my virtual remains accordingly.

Holy shit I need a day job.

Ponies are for pussies.

I cry a lot.