—ONE LIFE, DON’T BLOW IT.  MAHALO. 

 

…Some hard-to-follow instructions that I’ve been given are—Keep your mouth clean. That’s easier said than done.

 

…A lot of things can go wrong in two seconds.

 

…I always thought it so odd that, very late in life, my mother became an avid Mariner’s fan, when previously she didn’t know, or care, anything about sports. Now, here I am.

 

…I hope this doesn’t change anything.

 

…When you’re fighting with yourself, life seems kind of impossible. But there are always friends, family (if you’re lucky enough to have a good one) and help within reach. Please, please reach.

 

…“Did not go,” is usually a good call.

...These little honors that pile up along the way are nice, sure, but what do they really mean or matter?

...If my ankles don't stop swelling, they're going to grow bigger than my head, and then I'm really in some trouble.

...Sticky fingers--pretty gross.   

 

…It feels like I’m almost done with journaling for now, but who doesn’t always have more to say?

 

…Oh, I thought that I was gone and I’m cleared.

 

…It’s funny to contrast who I was with who I was with who I am now.

 

…What I’m not looking forward to is seeing my death, or any Marvel superhero movie.

 

…This morning’s mail count was 52 junk, 26 “real.”

 

…Compare, contrast, repeat. Never a good idea.

 

...The fog on the lake this morning makes it look like the water’s on fire.

 

…Lying in bed, with the radio on, moonlight falls like rain.

 

…Have you ever tried to catch lightning in a bottle? Can’t do it. Nope.

 

--(Whispering in a crammed elevator at the Grammys) Madison, that’s BB King.

--Who’s BB King?

 

…I realize now that the appeal of traveling so much is that you’re going somewhere, that you’re not just sitting in your office, counting every last wave.

 

...I started worrying about the next election the day after the last election, and that hasn’t stopped since then.

 

…So, this is it? That’s how it ends?

 

…“Are you mad at me? Because it’s okay to be mad at me.”

 

…It’s taken me all this time to learn how to be me. 

 

…Follow your dreams, whatever they may be, but please, dream a little dream of me.

 

…I feel like I didn’t get to say goodbye, so here it is.

—YOU’RE ONE OF ONE, ONE IN A MILLION

 

 

…There are few things I like better than seeing my best friend shine, and sparkle, as he did last night.

 

…It’s been hot, quite hot, but gloomy and barren, of late. I know it’s lucky to even be saying that, but still.

 

...Alert the media: I had a whiff of peppermint just now.

What, what? It was an itsy-bitsy whiff, but still, that’s something, isn’t it?

 

…Miracles—now there’s a conversation.

 

…I never pictured myself as a small-town guy, but the thing is you never know that much when you’re young.

 

…I love how much adoration artists give to other artists.

 

…You told me, Nobody likes an angry woman, I always say the things I shouldn’t. Oh, what a shame my tongue’s not tied …

 

…Sometimes the right adjective is everything. 

 

…I think about the end a lot now. I’m trying better to do the better thing.

 

…I suppose he’s correct when he says, “Everybody is trying to be a f…ing victim.” Chris Rock, that is.

 

…I messed up, and then I messed up, and then I messed up again and again and again, and still some people think I’m a hero when I’m the farthest thing from that.

 

…My very best friend and I have a language all our own. Really, we do. You can call it stupid (some of it juvenile), but it’s ours alone. And you wouldn’t get it, but we do. For example: “Bllllll!!!”

 

…It’s been at least a week since I cried at a commercial, but I did yesterday. It was about being left out, being an immigrant in America. If I could find it, I’d share it.

 

…Other than Sam Fender, the singer I’m most excited about right now is Ashe…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQq98YPV8yk

 

…Who gets paid at Air Supply? Oh yeah. Whee!

 

...Don’t forget: Black lives still matter.

 

…”I told you to get some therapy.”

 

…Shannon is gone I heard, she’s drifted out to sea.

 

…“What a coincidence!” is probably the funniest, and wittiest thing, I’ve ever heard someone say in my life. And he's the funniest and wittiest person I know.

 

…After my shower this morning, I looked at myself naked in the mirror. I looked skinny and older, but pretty much the same as I remember me being when I was nine. Then I had a brief shiver.

 

…“Look, it’s a little golf ball.”

 

…“Step into my little lair. Ah hooo, ah haaa.”

 

…“Look, it’s the Chemistry building.”

 

…It’s pretty incredible, really, meeting someone at 18 and here they are, all these years later, one of your most important priorities.

 

…Sleeping in a reclining chair for a month is not much fun, but you do what you’ve got to do, and hey, at least you own a fucking reclining chair.

 

…“I could really use a Snickers bar about now.”

 

…“Look at this movie.”

 

--“Hey, Len, wanna a hat?”

--“Yeah.”

--“Ain’t got one.”

 

…She’s right 90 percent of the time, so I should probably let her know.

 

…I think there’s something very true about platitudes, especially this one: "You can’t teach an old dog new tricks." I am very much a creature of habit, just ask my wife, but I don’t ever see me getting over my haunts.

 

…My wife is the reason, to the 10,000^th power, that I’m still alive and breathing, when I really shouldn’t be. I’ll never be able to reciprocate that, but I’ll try in my little ways. 

Like her mother, she is an angel on earth. 

 

…We never fight, but we bicker sometimes, and it’s always about my not wanting to eat when I should.

 

…Sometimes, if you think about it too deeply, it’s hard to know if you’re a good, or bad, person.

 

…I keep sucking the edges, but that’s my own problem.

 

…I knew a man, ‘Bojangles,’ and he danced for you, in worn out shoes”

 

…If you have an 8-track of Andy Gibb in your El Camino, chances are I’m going to like you a lot. Maybe even forever.

 

…Goodnight sky. Goodnight moon. Goodnight lake. Goodnight wake.

 

…“Take a peek, Patterson.”

 

…Rabbit Rabbit.

 

—I’M JUST TRYING TO HOLD UP  

  

…I think I may have the brightest blood in the world. My nose keeps seeping and I keep dabbing at it (see photo above.) It may just be my crazy imagination, but those red smears are like cloud patterns to me. There’s a seagull, The Pentagon, and a question mark. What do you think?

 

…It only takes sixty seconds, two heartfelt lines, to make someone’s day brighter, so let’s do it.

 

…I’ve never wanted to blow my nose more in my life. I think I’ve got at least 12 Samsonite suitcases in there. (Sorry if that’s TMI.)

 

…“I think, as poets, we are in the odd position of constantly defending our art form. Which is funny and also sort of invigorating, too. No one really says, "Oh, you're a lawyer? I've never understood the law. In fact, I kind of hate it." Or, "Oh, you wait tables? I didn't know that was something people did." I say it can be invigorating because, on some level, we have to evaluate what we do and why we do it almost daily. We have to explain ourselves to people all the time. We have to say, "Yes, I am a unicorn, believe in me." Ada Limon

 

…If I know one thing, it’s that there’s a lot of bad TV out there, but some people seem to like it. Chicago Med for example.

 

…The two biggest words in the world are I promise.

 

…Fruit flies—not sure why God created them

 

…I’ve got the demon laughing in my ear again, sweet as Tuesday Weld, smoking a spent Tareyton.

 

…There’s no hard feeling, no bad vibes.

 

…Even the bad days are good ones.

 

…“The rejection you get while you’re trying to learn to be yourself is insane.” Sydney Sweeny

 

…Posthumous Mac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrEEiS6lQHo&list=PLBB02CB85AFE2A582&index=4

 

…“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.”— Colette

 

…Lizzy McAlpine – Pancakes For Dinner

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rIH5Akx6zI

 

…It’s another quiet ending over here.

 

—I’M LIKE AN EXIT AWAY.  YEP.

  

…Dear Diary, here we are again, and I’m grateful that this is happening, no matter the fall-out.

 

…I’m an ugly man, as you can well see by the photos up above. 

It looks like I was in a brutal fight, though I have never been in a fight in my life, except for those ass-whippings from my brothers, or my mother.

Or maybe I look like a serial-killer. You can decide. (No judgment here.)

 

…If I had another child, a girl, I would like nothing more than to name her Wednesday, after my favorite day of the week, of the month, of the year.  

Or probably, Yeva.

 

…I bitch a lot here, I know I know I know, but still, it feels very good to be here, and I’m grateful.

 

…How much can someone forgive you until it’s all done? I mean, you can only hear, "I'm sorry," so many times. Right?

...I've been told that I'm a very bad patient, and by all accounts, that is very truthful information. 

...And I know I scare too easily, but it's been that way my whole life.

 

…“I swear to God, some people really get off on their grief.” Dead to Me

 

…I’m not someone who can be left alone.

 

…Why do I feel guilty when I laugh?

 

…Luck feels like such an insufficient word.

 

…“In case something bad happens to me,” what does that even mean? 

 

…These are all questions meant for Jay.

 

…I hate it when I get anxious and don’t know why. But maybe I’ve been anxious my whole life. Like, on occasion, I’ll drive over the 405 and 520 bridges and I’ll be driving 30 mph, with everyone else honking and/or yelling at me, and I'll only get more anxious, but then yesterday I drove them both just fine, not a worry at all, though my blood was definitely pumping and I was worried AF.

 

…I probably lose a lot of circles, peddling this late at night.

 

…If I were you, I wouldn’t open with that.

 

…That last thing I wrote was supposed to make you feel so much better, but I see now, that it became the opposite, as always.

 

 …I’m not sure what’s going on, but that’s a song for another time.

 

…I’m “incredibly brilliant” and then I’m not, not at all. Then I’m a creep. Then I’m a bad son/friend/ writer/critic. The Jekyll and Hyde of that leaves me spiralling, and if I’m being honest, all I do is believe the bad stuff.

Just tell me I’m no good, and leave it at that. I’ll believe you then, for sure. Sure.

 

…You ever have someone important in your life, and you should be able to trust them, be honest with them, but you’re afraid to, because shit might explode?

 

…My YouTube is bewildered, and I don’t blame it. I went Cole Swindell, Olivia Newton-John, Kendrick Lamar, Sylvan Esso, Alicia Keyes, Rage Against the Machine, to Wolf Alice, then The Partridge Family. They don't know what to make of me, but does anyone?  

 

…I could never see tomorrow. No one said a word about the sorrow.

 

…Inflection is always the tell-tale. Like, “I love you,” or better yet, omission and playdown, “Love ya.” 

 

…Coulda been blind, coulda been dead, but hopefully I’ll smell again.
 

…Cry when it hurts. Laugh when it’s funny. Chase after the dream, not the money.

 

…Who knew that blowing your nose could cause such a catastrophe?

 

…I give Thanks and Thanks and Thanks.

 

…Yeah, we might be a candle in the wind, but let’s pretend we’re Brown-eyed girl, Sweet Carolina.

 

…The best rapper alive today slays it with this sexy groove:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY_gPQEuAqI

 

…“So, you’re actually going to let yourself know how you feel?”

…“We’ll see.” 

Dead to Me 

 —I’M GOING TO GET INSPIRED, DON’T NEED TO BE THIS TIRED

  

… Dear Diary, I am so sorry for the forthcoming gibberish. Truly.

 

…Woke up at 2 am yesterday. Everything was black, black, black and even blacker than that for hours. 

Sometimes I actually like it, being up when everyone’s not. But around five in the afternoon, it always really kicks my ass.

 

…”Gabrielle” by Brett Eldredge always gets me.

 

…I think trust and safety are the most important ingredients to any relationship, and they’re both hard to come by.

 

…In the wrong light, everything looks worse.

 

…Big day tomorrow, I think, I hope.

 

…Thinking back at the height of the pandemic now feels a bit like slicing a very important vein.

 

…Ken Meech, I hardly knew him, but he died at 63, nonetheless... 

 

…What do you do with a 62-year-old man who doesn’t think he is, who believes he’s still 16 or 9?

 

…What’s it mean when you get more Junk mail than real mail?

 

…Never get a Rex Orange County song stuck in your head, or it will never leave.

 

…I still think this is the greatest masterpiece I’ve ever seen/heard…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7_jYl8A73g

 

…Sometimes when I write something that I think has potential, or is deeply personal, it’s as if I’ve left a trail of my blood all over the keyboard.

 

…Someone’s got an answer somewhere.

 

…If you don’t believe anything someone says, isn’t that the same as calling them a liar, like repeatedly?

 

…And I could blame everything on you. At least you know that’s what I’m good at…

 

…I need some new shoes. How about you?

 

…I know I can’t keep going on like nothing’s wrong, yet I do.

 

…When I need an antidote to the blue, after I’ve played one too many sad songs, this is my go-to for trying to upright the ship…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4WakhVy-RI

 

…Each night and day, I watch the waves, but they never watch me back. They’ve got better things to do.

 

…This is not how I expected things to go.

 

…I guess we all lose a lot of friends along the way, but it’s never very fun.

 

…She had me at Heads California…

 

…I wish I didn’t need it, but I do.

 

…Maybe there’s a better way to do this.

 

…Most times I think, “Fuck. John was just 50.”  F  i  f  t  y.  I mean, how is that even fair?

 

…For a while I went to this church I really loved because the pastor seemed flawed and real. At the one-year anniversary, he spoke on stage drinking a beer. After the Newtown massacre he said, “When people say, ‘God needed another angel,’ it makes me want to puke. God doesn’t need another fucking angel.” It’s the only time I’ve ever heard a pastor say Fuck in church. He was my hero for a time, until he wasn’t. 

 

…Paint a wall, learn to dance, call your mom, buy a boat, drink a beer, sing a song… 

 

…You should see my office. Dayammmm.

 

…“When you believe in someone, you can change their world, you can change their future.” David Ortiz at his Hall of Fame induction

 

…I keep hanging up pictures of the past to block out the sun, and there’s probably something wrong with that.

 

…I pay pretty close attention, but I probably shouldn’t.

 

…My son and I were to go to Rainbow Kitten Surprise last Monday night, but late that afternoon it got cancelled because the lead singer needed to take a break from touring for “mental health” reasons. It was a disappointment, but good for him for taking care of himself. We should all be so self-aware.  

 

…Baby, I got a plan. Run away as fast as you can…

 

…Some things come apart a lot easier than you expect.

 

…It’s really something, to be a part of such a supportive writing community…

Len! Thank you! I've been meaning to tell you...I read your ekphrastic piece, "Colony" to my workshop participants at the Flash Fiction Festival. It's amazing as are you: https://www.ekphrastic.net/.../john-bradley-ekphrastic...

 

…These things eat at your bones and drive your young mind crazy…

 

…I listen. I just can’t seem to apply it.

 

…You’re a really good liar, but that’s okay.

 

…I usually look a little better than this, but really, I was just searching for a place to be alone.

 

…I’ve got a best friend who’s in very bad trouble and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t ever want that phone call to come.

 

...I’m happy to see a little bit more happy back in your life.

 

…This is supposed to make me feel better about myself, but sometimes it’s just the opposite.

 

…I thank the Lord there are people out there like you.

 

—I DON’T WANT YOU DRINKING ALONE

 

honey bee

 

the bees they cry themselves to sleep at night wiping their snotty faces with parchment-thin wings their compound eye weepy and starch-blue their pollen sack weightless as dust and empty as a promise unfulfilled from god they cuddle the queen when she lets them or else they hug each other tight like long-lost cousins they say a prayer they bahzzzz bahzzzz bazhzzz into each other’s ear a punctuated whisper sweet as the nectar they can no longer find

 

 

—WATCHING WHITE BIRDS GRAZE THE HEDGE

 

 

After Billy Rapes Me

 

I’m pinned to the floor, jagged edge of a broken bottle breathing on my throat like a python, and when he, sweaty, shook and bouncy, says, “Tell, and next time I’ll do it,” I try to say I won’t, but the lie gets stuck there, like a stone meant to drown me in a swamp, like a truth I’ll swallow, day after day, after day, after day, after day.