—I’M LIKE AN EXIT AWAY.  YEP.

  

…Dear Diary, here we are again, and I’m grateful that this is happening, no matter the fall-out.

 

…I’m an ugly man, as you can well see by the photos up above. 

It looks like I was in a brutal fight, though I have never been in a fight in my life, except for those ass-whippings from my brothers, or my mother.

Or maybe I look like a serial-killer. You can decide. (No judgment here.)

 

…If I had another child, a girl, I would like nothing more than to name her Wednesday, after my favorite day of the week, of the month, of the year.  

Or probably, Yeva.

 

…I bitch a lot here, I know I know I know, but still, it feels very good to be here, and I’m grateful.

 

…How much can someone forgive you until it’s all done? I mean, you can only hear, "I'm sorry," so many times. Right?

...I've been told that I'm a very bad patient, and by all accounts, that is very truthful information. 

...And I know I scare too easily, but it's been that way my whole life.

 

…“I swear to God, some people really get off on their grief.” Dead to Me

 

…I’m not someone who can be left alone.

 

…Why do I feel guilty when I laugh?

 

…Luck feels like such an insufficient word.

 

…“In case something bad happens to me,” what does that even mean? 

 

…These are all questions meant for Jay.

 

…I hate it when I get anxious and don’t know why. But maybe I’ve been anxious my whole life. Like, on occasion, I’ll drive over the 405 and 520 bridges and I’ll be driving 30 mph, with everyone else honking and/or yelling at me, and I'll only get more anxious, but then yesterday I drove them both just fine, not a worry at all, though my blood was definitely pumping and I was worried AF.

 

…I probably lose a lot of circles, peddling this late at night.

 

…If I were you, I wouldn’t open with that.

 

…That last thing I wrote was supposed to make you feel so much better, but I see now, that it became the opposite, as always.

 

 …I’m not sure what’s going on, but that’s a song for another time.

 

…I’m “incredibly brilliant” and then I’m not, not at all. Then I’m a creep. Then I’m a bad son/friend/ writer/critic. The Jekyll and Hyde of that leaves me spiralling, and if I’m being honest, all I do is believe the bad stuff.

Just tell me I’m no good, and leave it at that. I’ll believe you then, for sure. Sure.

 

…You ever have someone important in your life, and you should be able to trust them, be honest with them, but you’re afraid to, because shit might explode?

 

…My YouTube is bewildered, and I don’t blame it. I went Cole Swindell, Olivia Newton-John, Kendrick Lamar, Sylvan Esso, Alicia Keyes, Rage Against the Machine, to Wolf Alice, then The Partridge Family. They don't know what to make of me, but does anyone?  

 

…I could never see tomorrow. No one said a word about the sorrow.

 

…Inflection is always the tell-tale. Like, “I love you,” or better yet, omission and playdown, “Love ya.” 

 

…Coulda been blind, coulda been dead, but hopefully I’ll smell again.
 

…Cry when it hurts. Laugh when it’s funny. Chase after the dream, not the money.

 

…Who knew that blowing your nose could cause such a catastrophe?

 

…I give Thanks and Thanks and Thanks.

 

…Yeah, we might be a candle in the wind, but let’s pretend we’re Brown-eyed girl, Sweet Carolina.

 

…The best rapper alive today slays it with this sexy groove:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY_gPQEuAqI

 

…“So, you’re actually going to let yourself know how you feel?”

…“We’ll see.” 

Dead to Me