—I CAN SEE ALL OF L.A. GOLDEN PANORAMIC VIEW,  BUT IT DON’T TAKE MY BREATH AWAY QUITE LIKE YOU 

 

…“You have to create your own space, which has a lot of silence in it, and also, hopefully, a lot of books.” Susan Sontag

 

…Sometimes you’re always one decision away from a totally different life.

 

…And sometimes it’s like Sliding Doors, not necessarily your choice or your fault, yet there you go.

 

…And it don’t hurt that you’re looking at me like I’m the whole sky.

 

…You know what’s hard? Distance.

 

…You know what’s even harder? Trying to explain to your very best friend why it’s important that he listen to new music and try to have a fucking open mind for once.

 

…This was your idea, wasn’t it, once upon a time? Me trying to be honest and explain my feelings?

 

…“If the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy and push (all the fucking buttons) for a higher floor.” Stephen Colbert

 

…You’ve got to do whatever you can to survive this current madness, and I’m sure as hell not one to judge how you go about doing that because I’ve had a very hard time holding on a lot of times, and I’m not proud of my weakness.

 

...Yeah. I’ve got to get smarter.

 

…I think I’ve got one more last mistake in me. I guess it just depends on which one, right?

 

…It’s probably time. That’s wise to remember

 

…I figured out Bud's (the beaver’s) sweet spot is between 6:30-6:45 each morning, right before the sun comes up. He’s a long smudge on the lake at that time of day, yet magnificent really. He’s so diligent, and workmanlike. I always wonder what he does the rest of the day when he gets where he wants to go.

 

…You only get to see so many marvels in your life.  

 

…I don’t want to be a pessimist, but I don’t think this world is going to end well.

 

…Love is difficult, but if it’s really love, it never gives up. It might waver and wobble, but it doesn’t run.

 

…I made a lot of mistakes this week. I was definitely out of sorts, It never feels good when you realize you’ve been an asshole, selfish and self-centered, but maybe recognizing that you were is the thing that saves, and somehow, redeems you.

 

…One of the (many) issues with having anxiety and a tremor is that when you notice it, your fingers start twitching, like fire ants biting off layers of your skin, and then it just becomes that much worse as you notice and envision that, like an electrical shock sort-of-thing taking over, your nerves get whacky and scroll completely out of your command, and then you suddenly can’t even slide your credit card into the slot at the gas station and the machine/monitor thing is telling you Please see the Cashier inside and you’re wondering, How many more times should I attempt this—stuffing my credit card into that very narrow slit—before I scare myself altogether? and then you think, Fuck it, and drive back home, not worrying if you run out of gas because there are bigger worries to be worrying about.

…“Good luck, Chuck.”

 

…To be honest, I’ve never understood the logic of that. Luck—like it’s actually a real thing, though I'm a superstitious sort.

 

…It’s goes together like apricots and mayonnaise. 

 

…Five more minutes. Could I just have five more minutes?

 

…I was not a brave child, or kid, whatsoever. But the one thing I was better at than anyone was holding my breath. I got to eight and a half minutes once.

 

…Love is definitely not all you need, but it’s a pretty good base. After that, the important work begins.

 

…It’s fascinating to me how you can have such a deep connection with a person you never really ever see. It's not always about having that person, physically right in front of you, if they're that important part of your life.

 

…Last week, I learned that I need to learn how to be less impulsive and a lot more tolerant. If I’m being honest, I was a little ashamed of myself last week.

 

…I gotta say, there aren’t many better things than living on a lake. It doesn’t matter what the weather’s like. Every day there’s something extraordinary to notice.

 

…If you’re lucky enough to have a good family, you’re really fucking lucky. So I just don't get why--if you have a great family--you pout and skip out. That kind of behavior boggles my mind and hurts my heart.

 

…I’m really going to miss my boy. I already do and he’s not even on the plane yet.

--Are you going to miss me?

--Are you kidding?

--I know. Just fucking with you.

--I had a good sob today.

--A what?

--I cried and cried, thinking of you gone, no more Sunny.

--You did that about little old me?

--You're six-foot-five, you Fucker.

 

…I think I just need to know how to make better mistakes. In other words, Fail better.

 

…Fuck that. Let’s be grateful. 

 

…Everybody thinks I’m a winner. Who’s going to tell them I’m just a lucky beginner?

 

…A lot of times, the best choice is Delete. It’s really hard to do, though.

 

…I’m definitely not as clever as I think I am inside my head. In fact, I’m not clever whatsoever. But you already knew that.

 

…Yes, I could be happier. I could definitely be less of a dick.

 

…Out of the 117 billion people that have been born since the beginning of time—other than Hitler, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Stalin and a handful of others—the worst one is living in our country right now.

 

…It feels like a good day for a meltdown.

 

…Took a left, hit a nerve, took a right, hit a curb. Is there room in your life for a little chaos?

 

…Here’s the thing, right? You have to live with yourself.

 

…Whenever I’m spiraling in conversations about today’s insanity, this is my escape hatch—“So, how about those Mariners?”

 

…They all count the same, but they don’t always feel the same.

 

…You’re not going to get this, but eating an apple solves a lot of issues. In fact, I’m going to grab a Granny Smith right now.

 

…All I’ll say is—Lola Young. Wow. What a wonder. “Spiders.”

 

…Who is up at 2 a.m. in the pitch black, listening to music, trying to parse their life out?

 

…I’m not sure when sleep became such an issue, but there it is.

 

…Yeah, I know what that means. 

 

…I’m grateful, but you don’t need tell me to be, over and over again. I get it. 

 

…Are we legally bound to stand in this circle, looking around, like shit? How’d I even get in?

 

…Why can’t I be more careful? And why don’t I seem to care anymore if I am?

 

…I think I’m there. Where are you?

 

...I think I better be careful.

 

…I have a friend and mentor in a foreign land and we’ve been sharing a poem of ours every day for the last three months. That’s 90 poems. What a gift she is to put up with me for so long.

 

…No matter how much you’re hurting, you don’t have to be cruel.

 

...No matter what, it’s still alarming when your wrist gets buzzed with this: 

           Your heart has shown multiple signs of irregular rhythm, suggestive of atrial fibrillation, which can be fatal.

 

…I had another tough week. Shocker, I know, I think it was when I shared something with one of my best friends and he so blatantly disagreed with my view of our country, America. I get being optimistic and nostalgic, but there’s no way in Fucking Hell this a great country anymore.

 

…And so maybe that’s why the AFibb. That's why the anxiety. The why the tremor. That's why the incredible difficulty to care about some people who see the world so differently, even though I know everyone is good inside.

 

…Why are the sad songs always the best ones?

 

…Spent the whole week doing a whole lot of nothing.

 

…Even if I discover Jesus was just a hoax, it’ll still have been worth it.

 

…When your kid tells you they love you, well, that’s everything, right?

 

...Okay, one more play, then I’m switching.

 

…It’s no fun to have distress and disappointments in your life, but you’ve got to struggle. You really do. And, like, you have to struggle A LOT. Otherwise, you’ll never really know how to live and it won't make sense.

 

…Was that wise? I don’t think so. Not whatsoever.

 

…I think I’m lost. But maybe we all are?

 

…You’re pissing me off now, what don’t you understand about this?

 

…I’ll admit, I have a hard time with things.

 

 

“Tonight’s top story: No news is good news.”

 

…I could be in trouble.

 

…I think I think too much.

 

…What was I thinking there?

 

…I wanna run away, far from here, pack my bags, my drugs and disappear, and tell my dealer I miss him.

 

…But there are still puppies and poetry and children giggling just to giggle, chewing on a watermelon cake made just for them.