—HERE COMES TROUBLE

 

A Separate Peace

 

She sits me in a cage of stars, says Take it slow, Joe, then rockets off to a different galaxy where no one needs to pay attention. Down below me, the earth looks like a gumball bursting with sugar and colorful additives. The oceans comb their waves. Mountains slumber like exhausted dinosaurs. In a separate corner of the world, just out of view, two lovers meet for the first time and are already busy making promises neither of them will ever keep. 

 

—I CAN SEE ALL OF L.A. GOLDEN PANORAMIC VIEW,  BUT IT DON’T TAKE MY BREATH AWAY QUITE LIKE YOU 

 

…“You have to create your own space, which has a lot of silence in it, and also, hopefully, a lot of books.” Susan Sontag

 

…Sometimes you’re always one decision away from a totally different life.

 

…And sometimes it’s like Sliding Doors, not necessarily your choice or your fault, yet there you go.

 

…And it don’t hurt that you’re looking at me like I’m the whole sky.

 

…You know what’s hard? Distance.

 

…You know what’s even harder? Trying to explain to your very best friend why it’s important that he listen to new music and try to have a fucking open mind for once.

 

…This was your idea, wasn’t it, once upon a time? Me trying to be honest and explain my feelings?

 

…“If the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy and push (all the fucking buttons) for a higher floor.” Stephen Colbert

 

…You’ve got to do whatever you can to survive this current madness, and I’m sure as hell not one to judge how you go about doing that because I’ve had a very hard time holding on a lot of times, and I’m not proud of my weakness.

 

...Yeah. I’ve got to get smarter.

 

…I think I’ve got one more last mistake in me. I guess it just depends on which one, right?

 

…It’s probably time. That’s wise to remember

 

…I figured out Bud's (the beaver’s) sweet spot is between 6:30-6:45 each morning, right before the sun comes up. He’s a long smudge on the lake at that time of day, yet magnificent really. He’s so diligent, and workmanlike. I always wonder what he does the rest of the day when he gets where he wants to go.

 

…You only get to see so many marvels in your life.  

 

…I don’t want to be a pessimist, but I don’t think this world is going to end well.

 

…Love is difficult, but if it’s really love, it never gives up. It might waver and wobble, but it doesn’t run.

 

…I made a lot of mistakes this week. I was definitely out of sorts, It never feels good when you realize you’ve been an asshole, selfish and self-centered, but maybe recognizing that you were is the thing that saves, and somehow, redeems you.

 

…One of the (many) issues with having anxiety and a tremor is that when you notice it, your fingers start twitching, like fire ants biting off layers of your skin, and then it just becomes that much worse as you notice and envision that, like an electrical shock sort-of-thing taking over, your nerves get whacky and scroll completely out of your command, and then you suddenly can’t even slide your credit card into the slot at the gas station and the machine/monitor thing is telling you Please see the Cashier inside and you’re wondering, How many more times should I attempt this—stuffing my credit card into that very narrow slit—before I scare myself altogether? and then you think, Fuck it, and drive back home, not worrying if you run out of gas because there are bigger worries to be worrying about.

…“Good luck, Chuck.”

 

…To be honest, I’ve never understood the logic of that. Luck—like it’s actually a real thing, though I'm a superstitious sort.

 

…It’s goes together like apricots and mayonnaise. 

 

…Five more minutes. Could I just have five more minutes?

 

…I was not a brave child, or kid, whatsoever. But the one thing I was better at than anyone was holding my breath. I got to eight and a half minutes once.

 

…Love is definitely not all you need, but it’s a pretty good base. After that, the important work begins.

 

…It’s fascinating to me how you can have such a deep connection with a person you never really ever see. It's not always about having that person, physically right in front of you, if they're that important part of your life.

 

…Last week, I learned that I need to learn how to be less impulsive and a lot more tolerant. If I’m being honest, I was a little ashamed of myself last week.

 

…I gotta say, there aren’t many better things than living on a lake. It doesn’t matter what the weather’s like. Every day there’s something extraordinary to notice.

 

…If you’re lucky enough to have a good family, you’re really fucking lucky. So I just don't get why--if you have a great family--you pout and skip out. That kind of behavior boggles my mind and hurts my heart.

 

…I’m really going to miss my boy. I already do and he’s not even on the plane yet.

--Are you going to miss me?

--Are you kidding?

--I know. Just fucking with you.

--I had a good sob today.

--A what?

--I cried and cried, thinking of you gone, no more Sunny.

--You did that about little old me?

--You're six-foot-five, you Fucker.

 

…I think I just need to know how to make better mistakes. In other words, Fail better.

 

…Fuck that. Let’s be grateful. 

 

…Everybody thinks I’m a winner. Who’s going to tell them I’m just a lucky beginner?

 

…A lot of times, the best choice is Delete. It’s really hard to do, though.

 

…I’m definitely not as clever as I think I am inside my head. In fact, I’m not clever whatsoever. But you already knew that.

 

…Yes, I could be happier. I could definitely be less of a dick.

 

…Out of the 117 billion people that have been born since the beginning of time—other than Hitler, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Stalin and a handful of others—the worst one is living in our country right now.

 

…It feels like a good day for a meltdown.

 

…Took a left, hit a nerve, took a right, hit a curb. Is there room in your life for a little chaos?

 

…Here’s the thing, right? You have to live with yourself.

 

…Whenever I’m spiraling in conversations about today’s insanity, this is my escape hatch—“So, how about those Mariners?”

 

…They all count the same, but they don’t always feel the same.

 

…You’re not going to get this, but eating an apple solves a lot of issues. In fact, I’m going to grab a Granny Smith right now.

 

…All I’ll say is—Lola Young. Wow. What a wonder. “Spiders.”

 

…Who is up at 2 a.m. in the pitch black, listening to music, trying to parse their life out?

 

…I’m not sure when sleep became such an issue, but there it is.

 

…Yeah, I know what that means. 

 

…I’m grateful, but you don’t need tell me to be, over and over again. I get it. 

 

…Are we legally bound to stand in this circle, looking around, like shit? How’d I even get in?

 

…Why can’t I be more careful? And why don’t I seem to care anymore if I am?

 

…I think I’m there. Where are you?

 

...I think I better be careful.

 

…I have a friend and mentor in a foreign land and we’ve been sharing a poem of ours every day for the last three months. That’s 90 poems. What a gift she is to put up with me for so long.

 

…No matter how much you’re hurting, you don’t have to be cruel.

 

...No matter what, it’s still alarming when your wrist gets buzzed with this: 

           Your heart has shown multiple signs of irregular rhythm, suggestive of atrial fibrillation, which can be fatal.

 

…I had another tough week. Shocker, I know, I think it was when I shared something with one of my best friends and he so blatantly disagreed with my view of our country, America. I get being optimistic and nostalgic, but there’s no way in Fucking Hell this a great country anymore.

 

…And so maybe that’s why the AFibb. That's why the anxiety. The why the tremor. That's why the incredible difficulty to care about some people who see the world so differently, even though I know everyone is good inside.

 

…Why are the sad songs always the best ones?

 

…Spent the whole week doing a whole lot of nothing.

 

…Even if I discover Jesus was just a hoax, it’ll still have been worth it.

 

…When your kid tells you they love you, well, that’s everything, right?

 

...Okay, one more play, then I’m switching.

 

…It’s no fun to have distress and disappointments in your life, but you’ve got to struggle. You really do. And, like, you have to struggle A LOT. Otherwise, you’ll never really know how to live and it won't make sense.

 

…Was that wise? I don’t think so. Not whatsoever.

 

…I think I’m lost. But maybe we all are?

 

…You’re pissing me off now, what don’t you understand about this?

 

…I’ll admit, I have a hard time with things.

 

 

“Tonight’s top story: No news is good news.”

 

…I could be in trouble.

 

…I think I think too much.

 

…What was I thinking there?

 

…I wanna run away, far from here, pack my bags, my drugs and disappear, and tell my dealer I miss him.

 

…But there are still puppies and poetry and children giggling just to giggle, chewing on a watermelon cake made just for them.

 

—I’M RATING YOU FIVE STARS

 

This Isn’t Sex and the City

 

The sky’s blushing for us 

Did you notice?

There are two Collies

jumping through the clouds 

but only one catches the toy

Good dog Good

A sparrow just flew through 

the window even though 

it wasn’t cracked but it’s 

sitting right here on my shoulder 

preening as if it’s the Oscars

Did you notice?

I think the lake’s hyperventilating

cowlick waves coming right at us

like a monsoon that means it

But that sky, how about it?

It’s still flushed fuchsia with 

strands of gold braided in cursive

across the wooly treetops

It could be our initials or 

it could be a hoax

Did you notice?

—I WANNA GET AWAY, FAR FROM HERE, PACK MY BAGS, MY DRUGS AND DISAPPEAR 

 

UNO

 

I’m reading Andrea Gibson’s

poem The Museum of 

Broken Relationships

in a café and beside me 

at the bar a mom and 

her adult son with Down Syndrome 

are playing UNO and 

laughing the way lovers would 

two who’d never split up or 

mistrust each other’s motives 

while still knowing the world is 

often cruel and that it owes 

them nothing but a few 

sporadic moments and 

the gift of paying attention 

 

—PUT IT IN DRIVE, AGAIN

 

…I’m “teaching” a writing workshop next month for BENDING GENRES, one of the premier online literary journals, and I’m super excited to be doing so again. I’d be incredibly honored and thrilled if you showed up with me. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re a writer or not, and your pedigree certainly doesn’t matter to me whatsoever. I’ll give you everything I have. I can promise that. It'll be a fabulous weekend. Pinkie Swear…

 

https://bendinggenres.com/writing-groups/

 

…“I think honest love 

is less about 

how much you would

do 

for someone,

and more about 

how long you would wait, 

unable to do 

anything at all.”

--Tyler Knott Gregson

 

…Something you think you’d want to hear, but you really don’t ever want to, is—I’m worried about you. 

 

…I don’t know what you do when you don’t know what else to do, but I tend to slink away and write. Sometimes what I produce is really bad, but occasionally, it’s not. Eventually, I always feel better, somehow. It just feels good to get it out.

 

…I'm not joking, some days I don’t even know where to look, or what to think about.

 

…I was a big fan of Robert Redford, for a lot of reasons, and not just because he was handsome and famous, but because he genuinely loved art and film and championed so many people (like Quentin Tarantino) who would have, otherwise, been lost to obscurity. Here are my favorite quotes/wisdoms of R R’s:

 

Be careful of success, it has a dark side.

 

Let’s face it — if you’re a movie star, you’re not likely to be taken seriously. 

 

Anybody can put something up on the internet. It's harder and harder to find what the truth is.

 

Life is essentially sad. Happiness is sporadic. It comes in moments and that's it. Extract the blood from every moment.

 

I try to avoid giving advice. The only advice I will give is to pay attention. I don’t mean to the screen in your hand.

 

I'm just interested in moving forward. Legacy means looking back, and I tend to not do that.

 

Speak out for what you believe and what you feel. Or don't. You have to live with yourself.

 

…So, I'm taking his advice, and hate on me all you want. 

I get how important it is to hear the other side, to listen to opposing views, openly, objectively and without bias or malice. But it’s different now. It really is. What’s happening is abnormal and absurd beyond anything that’s ever occurred in our country.

 

…This is the kind of stuff I mean, some blatant and some undercover, like all the time, like removing almost all the language about global warming from the EPA web page. And how is this okay?

DOJ quietly removes study showing right wing attacks ‘outpace’ those by left

The Justice Department quietly removed from its website a study showing far-right extremists were responsible for the bulk of ideologically motivated deaths — a move that comes as the GOP seeks to back claims from President Trump that the “radical left” poses a greater danger than the right wing.

 

…And then, they take out Jimmy Kimmel, after they took out Stephen Colbert, even though this is what the Federal Communications states (so far) in very clear language:

 “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and

to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

 

…And then this, too, because there are so many foreigners (rapists, murderers, drug dealers and felons, all of them) still hanging around just waiting to be handcuffed and shipped out…

ICE is seeking hundreds of new office spaces nationwide as it prepares to hire more than 10,000 additional staffers

Immigration and Customs Enforcement is looking for 300 new locations to house lawyers and officers, according to federal officials familiar with the matter.

…Okay. Thanks for letting me vent. I’ll let it go.

  

…We now return to our normally scheduled programing… 

 

…FOR A STUDENT WHO USED A.I. 

TO WRITE A PAPER

 

Now I let it fall back 

in the grasses. 

I hear you. I know 

this life is hard now. 

I know your days are precious 

on this earth. 

But what are you trying 

to be free of? 

The living? The miraculous 

task of it? Love is for the ones who love the work. 

      --Joseph Fasano

 

…It’s strange how things are different when you decide to no longer care about them.

 

…Live longer. I guess.

 

…There aren’t a lot of gold stars being handed out these days, that’s for sure.

 

…Isn’t that what you wanted? I thought you said that was what you wanted.

 

...You can get used to sounds or tamp them out. You can shut the door or close the window. You can just go back to sleep. That can be how you wrap it up, but what did you miss? 

 

…God/Jesus, you don’t need to help me. You’ve done plenty for me, way more than I deserve. But please help someone else out, maybe someone in Gaza or Ukraine. They could really use you right now.

 

…One of the spookiest things I’ve ever heard was just last week when one of my very best friends said he thinks there is nothing left after you die. Like nothing. You’re just dead and gone. Dust. 

It was sunny out when I asked him that, if he believed in life after death, but it felt pretty dark out there in the parking lot.

 

--You seem wired a little tight.

--You think?

--Yeah, I do. I'm looking at you right now.

--Then maybe don’t look too close.

 

…I always knew the time would come when I would wonder, Why?

 

…It’s very hard to say, “I don’t really care” and truly mean it.

 

...“Are you actually serious right now, talking about choices?” –Someone  

 

…“I’m sending thoughts and prayers your way.” –Someone else

 

…After a while, you can get used to anything. But should you?

 

…Most people aren’t just hanging on, wondering what their friends are doing right now, but I might one of the few. 

 

…I don’t understand how people live alone, or live single their whole life. They must have something I’m very lacking in.

 

…It’s a choice, or am I cursed? It’s a toss-up.

 

…Do your best. I mean, what else can you do?

 

 …Most things are rarely a clear-cut version of either/or. The answer’s usually in the gray space where it’s pretty hard to sort things out.

 

…Those geese are flying. You know what that means, right?

 

…Sometimes you just throw your hands up, because what else are you supposed to do?

 

…Ever since I started here, in this space, I’ve always tried to be as authentic as possible, no matter how flawed that comes across. Friday’s have become Diary Day where I share my ugly and my stupid randomness. 

This was a hard week for me, and for tons of others, in many ways.

A friend of mine had a really tough one, worse than me, so I pulled on my hopeful Big Boy pants and sent her this text, trying to really believe what I was saying:

There’s still art and deer, puppies and children and sunrises, family if you have it, good friends you love and trust.

 

…They say, If you have your health, you have everything—and having had a few issues, I totally get what they mean by that. But if you don’t have hope, you have nothing.

 

…I’ll be better tomorrow. And so will you. We can talk about it then, if you have time. Or maybe next Friday.

 

…I’m not sure where this ended. Maybe that means it didn’t.