—I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND 

 

(CAUTION: Before you read this, know that I am okay. I was not okay when I wrote it yesterday, but I am now. A good friend of mine once asked me what it felt like to have depression and I more or less bungled my reply. These notes are probably a better answer, or at least it helped to write them.)

 

…It’s pretty easy to hate yourself. Most times you don’t even have to try.

 

…I picked a really bad day to be depressed.

 

…Sometimes I can’t even write it out.

 

…Maybe we’re all just acting and I’m as bad at it as the next guy.

 

…I guess it’s not always about me, although it always feels like it is.

 

…“You can’t handle the truth.”

 

…If it’s not about that, then what is it about?

 

…It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re looking in the mirror I look at.

 

…Even the sunshine doesn’t know it’s dark out.

 

…I’m the last person I want to talk to today because I never shut the fuck up.

 

…At least I have these twigs. That’s something.

 

…Everything is the color red. Even the lake.

 

…“All you need is love” sounds a lot like “Sending you my thoughts and prayers.”

 

…Smile like you mean it.

 

…Maybe the problem is caring too much.

 

…When the wind’s ripping hard, like it is right now, that sheet of plastic outside my window looks a lot like a ghost with a vendetta. 

 

…Why is it people love bunnies so much but hate rats? Aren’t they both just animals? 

 

…If people can still support Satan, doesn’t that make America meaningless? Isn’t everything you thought you believed in since you were a kid just a fucking joke?

 

…I should probably tell somebody they’re doing a good job.

 

…Failure actually is an option.

 

…It feels like my heart is trying to beat itself up.

 

…What do you do when the world wakes up when you don’t want it to?

 

…Maybe if Lucy was here.

 

…For a second there I thought my watch forgot about me.

 

…Misery really doesn’t love company. It doesn’t love anyone. Not even itself.

 

…If the answer is blowing in the wind it must have flown right by me.

 

…What’s amazing is I haven’t even read a shred of news today.

 

…There doesn’t always have to be a reason, but I’ve got nearly 65 of them.

 

…It’s too bad you can’t cut-and-paste days.

 

… How many times do you need to die before you know you’re dead? 

 

…Maybe I need to get skinnier.

 

…I think this is helping. Is it helping?

 

…I’m really good at dispensing advice, but pretty lousy at taking it.

 

…Tomorrow can’t be like this, can it?

 

…The problem with what you’re supposed to do is there’s no way you’re going to do it when you're like this. 

 

…This is about the only place I’ve gone today.

 

…I saw some movements in the yard by the lake two doors over that I thought was a deer and to get a closer look I bent down and looked through the window but then it was gone so I thought I’d imagined it or made it up because I really needed some good luck but then sure enough he showed up in the guy’s back yard and that might have been the silly thing that saved me.

 

…Let’s please not do this again, please?