--HOW WILL I KNOW IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME?

 

 

…Merry Christmas. 

What are your plans? 

I can see you in the kitchen, waving a spatula around like it’s a checkered flag, apron on, smiling, love all around you, taking in the heavy aromas that I can’t smell anymore.

 

…RIP Joan Didion. Like a lot of writers, I discovered you too late.

 

…It can be a little frightening—the things I have no recollection about. On the other hand, some of the ones I do remember still scare the fuck out of me on a daily/nightly basis.

 

…Sometimes I have anxiety just driving to the store, even when there are no other cars around, and I’m like, WTF? Why?

For some of us, things are different and more difficult. That doesn’t make us a victim, but it doesn’t make it less true either.

 

…Pensive or hammered last night? Hmm. Maybe a bit of both.

 

…Some people, like my best friend, live in sunshine every day. Am I jealous? Yeah, kind of. But he deserves it, plus I’ve become a fan of a heavy snowfall. Looks like one is on tap for the weekend.

 

…Being true to yourself, “living your truth,” is something that’s mostly evaded me, and if I’m being honest, I’m not even sure I know what that means.

 

…Oh, The Places You’ll Go!—despite my age, and everything—is still one of my very favorite books.

 

…Today I feel optimistic. I shouldn’t, because there’s the news and a new variant afoot, yet I am.

 

…“I’m so confused,” isn’t necessarily a bad sentiment if you eventually end up learning something new.

 

…The tricky thing is knowing how much someone genuinely cares about you, or doesn’t. Everything hinges on the difference.

 

…If I can keep any memory for all time, let it be, “Dad! Dad! It’s a double rainbow!!”

 

…With the right beat thumping, my son can free-style for hours. Really, he can. Watching him do that isn’t any different than if I’d been lucky enough to watch Van Gogh paint.

 

…I should get over it already, but I still miss Mac. Like with JW, when I think of him, there’s reverence but also arms of groping gloom, and it’ll probably always be that way.

 

…And sometimes I think, What’s it matter? If I have a new book? If I’ve written anything today? Eaten today? Published or submitted anything? Exercised? Got to 100 books? If I’ve lied to myself again?

 

…It’s always a smart strategy to overlook, and override, the bad things that circle your mind. 

And yet, they were real. 

They actually happened.

 

…Starting a new book—best thing ever, or awful? What say you?

 

…I will say that Hamnet kept me crying the last 100 pages.

 

…Not sure if “Africa” by Toto is genius or gibberish. Same with the new Diane Williams book. Same with most of what I write.

 

…Having best friends who are there for you, who see your ugly and still love you unconditionally, who still show up—that’s as good as it gets.

 

…Life is life, La-la la-la-la.

 

…I often think to myself, Poor, Nick Drake.

 

…I don’t mean to go dark, same as I never intend to hurt myself. But sometimes it happens. Sometimes it happens a lot.

 

…You can call me, ‘Stacy.’ You can call me, ‘Love.’ You can call me, ‘Baby’ or any of the above…”

 

…(X) said, “When you’re struggling, you can call me.” Then (X) added, “You can call me any day. Any hour.” It was that last part which made me understand (X) actually meant it, and I felt instantly flushed with gratitude.

 

…It’s funny the things you can remember without even trying.

 

…If you can make me feel safe around you, I’m in. I’m your friend for life.

 

…People come and go, but some go and still stick around for the rest of your life.  

 

…Dear God. 

What’s on your mind? 

Are you annoyed, because it sure seems like it?

And is the future really as fucked as it seems?