—CALL ME JEALOUS, CALL ME MAD
I Married a Skeleton
I married a
skeleton
because her bones
seemed to like me
too much
hollowed out
aching and
singing Billy Joel
Uptown Girl
in rich falsetto
as if it was closure or
a cannon calling out
all of my flaws
every bird that
shot of the trees
high-fived me
a feather-tipped goodbye
it was kind of them
and the one best thing
I did with my life
—ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE, SWEET JESUS
Rat-ta-tat
Andy Warhol and I
are in trouble again
something I said
about his hair has
taken a wrong turn
like a swing off I-5
into the unknown
where gangbangers await
And I’m ready for it now
for once
my skeletal chest
poked open like a
barren scarecrow
waiting for the first
melodic rat-ta-tat
patter of bullets
doing to me
what I never had
the nerve to do myself
–IT’S HARD TO ROLL HOTWHEELS DOWN THE CARPET
—More Randall Brown
I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
Where do dads store their dad jokes?
In the dad-a-base.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
My daughter just yelled at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me. I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
News flash: A ship carrying red paint and one carrying blue paint collided. Both crews were marooned.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
Did you know that, when you pass away, your pupils are the last part to stop working? They dilate.
Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
How does cereal pay its bills?
Chex.
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.
—I JUST CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD
Keith
was in love, but he busted a front tooth on his own stool and got thrown out of yet another bar.
He had exactly one friend, Henley, and Keith called him, while his face burned like hell from literally being thrown to the curb.
There was no answer, and so Keith howled like a hyena at the irony, symbolism and deep meaning of that, how we are always all alone, dying inside and out, reaching for something we want that doesn’t want us back, writhing in a midday sun that needles our fresh wounds until we are too stupid to make sense of the world, heading somewhere else for another last drink of hope.
—IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN
Midnight
Let’s eat
jelly donuts and
get hella fat
I’m through with the
stick show
You can call me Porky
and I’ll call you Love
We’ll take turns
smashing screens
with a mallet
collect each shard
as if they’re all
regal diamonds
You wouldn’t know it
but sometimes anger
burns up
every limb I’ve ever had
But today
today I just
wanna destroy things
for the hell of it
Fuck yeah
What do you think?
Meet me in the
alley at midnight
I’ll be the one
wearing a scarf
Instead of a noose
but breathing too hard
I’ll be the guy
without a trench coat
hope
or a lawyer
—LIKE A COIN THAT WON’T GET TOSSED
a box-shaped thing
run the tap and I’ll make us a soapy bath full of bubble clouds like hotdog balloons and a series of see-through moons clinging to your breasts and the puckered tips of your nipples there’s still time to save the world but let’s have a soak first I’ll wash your hair with clouds of foam and you’ll lean your spine against my cock and I’ll throb of course while we figure out a way to somehow cum in this box-shaped thing and when we’re finally clean we’ll step out of the tub noticing at once how dirty everything is the bathroom counter sooty the bedroom gray fumes kitchen grizzly the closet dull leaden the world smoldering and pungent from so many dropped bombs and Hypersonic missiles even way out here in this little town where everything is rugged yet pristine there are streams of residual smoke and carnage oh and are those really someone’s ashes landing in the trees?
