–IT’S HARD TO ROLL HOTWHEELS DOWN THE CARPET

 

 

—More Randall Brown

 

 

I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

 

Where do dads store their dad jokes?

In the dad-a-base.

 

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

 

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."

 

Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

 

I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.

 

My daughter just yelled at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.

 

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.

 

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

 

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.

 

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

 

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

 

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

 

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

 

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

 

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? 

Attire.

 

I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.

 

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

 

This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

 

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

 

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me. I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

 

News flash: A ship carrying red paint and one carrying blue paint collided. Both crews were marooned.

 

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

 

Did you know that, when you pass away, your pupils are the last part to stop working? They dilate.

 

Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time.

 

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

 

How does cereal pay its bills?
Chex.

 

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.

 

Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.