—WINNER TAKES IT ALL 

 

More Randall Brown…

 

 

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism.

Fortunately, it’s a light sentence.

 

"I threw a ball for my dog today, not for any particular reason other than I think he looks good in a tuxedo!"

 

A drunk woman stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under her arm.

She announces to her now awake husband, "This is the pig I've been screwing."

The husband unimpressed says, "You drunk arsehole. That's a duck."

The woman looks down at the duck and then looks back up at her husband and says, “I was talking to the duck!"

 

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? 

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

 

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

 

When I was younger, everyone had a wristwatch. Nowadays, almost no one wears one.

How times have changed.

 

‘Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other: “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”’

 

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

 

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

 

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery, I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

 

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." 

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

 

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

 

"I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days."

 

"I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person."

 

You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's $1. That's inflation for you.

 

"My doctor said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."

 

If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

 

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

 

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.

 

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."

 

I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.

 

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and asks, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer says, “Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

 

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.