—YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SCARED YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH

 

…Tuesday was one the best Tuesdays of my life.

 

…So, you have to give me a few moments, because this was epic and truly historic.

 

…“Sex is cool, but have you tried watching Republicans lose in districts they gerrymandered?” Colleen Nichols

 

….“Pete Hegseth wanted people to watch a public execution. Well, they’re seeing it (Tuesday) tonight.” Shaindel Beers.

 

…During Trump’s recent midterm convention, he led the crowd in a pledge to vote red during the midterms that began: “I pledge, to the greatest president in the history of the United States, that loves us so much he can’t even breathe,” followed by, “You know what happens if you don’t vote? You go to hell.”

(There was an actual, documented moment, in Nazi history, where every single German was required, on the same day, to pledge allegiance to Hitler, ever over their country of Deutschland. It was televised.)

 

…In his first public appearance since Republicans lost big in the midterms, President Trump showed off construction of the White House Ballroom.

 

…Moments after the Democratic landslide win in the midterm elections, a complete repudiation of Trump’s presidency, President Trump blamed Fox News for the loss.

    Fox “bears responsibility for these losses by constantly and consistently putting on the Dumocrat opposition, and worse,” Trump declared on Truth Social shortly before midnight Eastern time. “FoxNews Ratings are way down (27%!) because they’re spending too much time covering the Trump Deranged Dumocrats,” he wrote.

 

…Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, and the world’s first Trillionaire, spent $168 million trying to defeat James Talarico, who won, becoming the first Democratic Senator from the state of Texas in 44 years.

 

…Adam Hamilton won the Senate seat in Kanas, the first time a Democratic Senator has been elected in Kansas SINCE 1939.

 

…Gina Hinojosa won the govern ship of Texas, the first Latina Governor in the history of …America.

 

…Deb Haaland of New Mexico was elected the first Indigenous Governor in American history.

 

…Chris Pappas of New Hampshire became the first openly gay person to be elected Senator in American history.

 

…And there’s a lot more, so fuck that guy. Go admire the $600 million ballroom that the American people paid for.

 

…But how about those Mariners?

 

…It’s easy to repeat yourself when you shouldn’t.

 

…She’s in love with a rock star.

 

…There’s a good chance she didn’t know what I was talking about.

 

…You can’t turn something back into nothing.

 

…Look, all I’m asking for is a chance to waste your time.

 

…There’s something about writing, for me, that saves me. And when I’m lax, as I have been lately, I find myself in a lot of trouble.

 

…Look: There; I said what I mean, again. 

 

…Are you kidding me? I’m getting sick of the industry.

 

…Maybe you should start with a moody beginning and finish with a cataclysmic last line.

 

…I’m the last guy you should be sending hunting ads to where you can buy a device that makes it easy to track down and kill defenseless deer.

 

…I forgot the word “now.”

 

…Isn’t it a little late in the game for that now?

 

… Your profile is popular – You appeared in 50 searches this week

Someone needs to tell these people that I don’t want a job.

 

…Someone posted this, along with a photo, on the local Snohomish web page: Is anyone missing a pair of cows? I found them in my backyard.

 

…That used to be the library,

 

…It’s only hard if it’s hard.

 

…Fucking Bulls on Parade.

 

…Why is it so hot to see two females kiss and two guys not?

 

…It only hurts if it really hurts.

 

…Maybe I suck and people are just being nice. That’s a very real possibility.

 

…I think it wouldn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for the guy behind me.

 

…Don’t panic.

 

…Is this what you want?

 

…I don’t think this is going to happen, but why not give it a try? There’s no one around.

 

…“You can leave now.”

 

…I’m getting close.

 

—I WISH I KNEW YOU WHEN I WAS YOUNG 

 

 

It Was Fall Then

 

Sunset, your favorite time of day, never Sunrise. You tipped a cup my way and said, “Dawn here looks like it’s staged, too glossy, like a Hollywood set where every color of the leaves is fake”

 

But that weekend, when the boat tipped and the boy fell, you threw up lunch and saw things differently. A Kaleidoscope. Strange halos.

 

“That could have been ours,” you said, and meant it, grabbing my arm for the first time, as if it might float away.

 

We watched him flail together; his tiny arms flapping and flapping, tagging the water over and over. Troy, he might have been called.

 

It was Fall and every tree seemed made of rust. Not one of them moved a limb. 

 

—IS THE PARTY OVER? DID TOMORROW COME TOO SOON?

 

You Can See Everything

 

You can see everything 

if you look close enough—

the sag of me, the liver spots,

the tags running down my jaw.

Even the dog remembers when 

you used to kiss me, push me up 

against the microwave and 

cup my crotch like it 

was a bag of piping hot, porcelain coins.

 

Tonight, same as always,

there’s nothing left to say. 

The moon stares at us 

through the bedroom window

like a perplexed monk, 

straining to hear your snores 

as if they’re some kind of code, 

as if you finally have something 

important to tell me. 

 

—MAYBE THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMMOROW, AND WE WON'T HAVE TO BEG, STEAL OR BORROW 

...This blog is like a messy kid's room--completely imperfect. And I sort of like it that way, because it captures me, all of my uncertainty and mistakes.

…I wish I was a kid. 

...You know how certain mirrors either make you look good, or for some reason, make you look bad? The one at the cinema yesterday made me into a 102 year-old-man. It was not pretty.

 

…This might sound gross, but I’m a guy who doesn’t like to shower because I hate being cold, getting in and out of the stall is freezing. Plus, I pretty much wear the same thing every day, two, sometimes three days in a row if I can help it. So, why the fuck would I ever buy more clothes?

...There's something in that. That's why I need therapy.

...I think I've quoted her before, but this off-hand thing she said once, while we were talking randomly, seems really potent. "Finding a therapist you trust and can share things with is harder than finding true love." Karen Stefano

 

…I’m not a big fan of pragmatic people. I like the dreamers—the ones who bitch and cry and see wonder in things.

 

…I get FOX News alerts (is it really really news?) on my phone, all the time, for some reason. It’s absolutely nuts how they reframe what’s happening. “Hegseth Makes Decisive Move On Pentagon General.”

 

…That’s one way of putting it.

 

…What a gift, to reconnect with S. Mays after all this time, one of my favorite people ever.

 

...I thought I was ready for more but then I saw I was already fully loaded.

 

…That guy is a piece of work, and not in a good way.

 

…Ain’t that America, for you and me?

 

…Dude, if I didn’t have you, I’d be a little bit lost.

If you think about all of our times together, they’re immeasurable. No one’s had what we’ve had.

 

…“Music is probably the only real magic I’ve encountered in my life. There’s not some kind of trick involved in it. It’s pure and it’s real. It moves, it heals, and it communicates. It does incredible things.” Tom Petty

 

…Hey, I’m not Jewish, nor am I Islamic, but I say, Free Palestine now, and Fuck Netanyahu.

 

…You never know what’s around the corner.

 

…Everyone’s dying around me, like every day.

 

…If you’re lucky enough, you get these extra moments and then it’s up to you to decide to do with them. 

 

…I don’t even know what that is.

 

…Dreams both good and bad were coming true.

 

…“Love is such a powerful force. It’s there for all to embrace—that unconditional love for all of humankind.

      That is the kind of love that compels people to go into the community and try to change conditions for others, to take risks for what they believe in.” 

           --Martin Luther King

...The thing I hold onto is, I know I'm a good person.

 

…You can’t take back what’s been done to you.

 

…Just help people. Isn’t that the whole point; you’re supposed to help people when you can?

 

…Why is it always, “One more song?”

 

…Sometimes, like yesterday, I read stuff back that I wrote a while ago and I’ll think, Who the fuck is this guy?

 

…I totally forgot we were back to sharing poems, so I wrote one of the top of my head in two minutes, sent it, and got back, “That’s brilliant.” 

Really?

Art is so subjective, which is mostly why I love it so much.

 

…Maybe the clouds will at least have silvery lines.

 

…“Can you imagine the reaction from Republicans and so many Christians in America if Obama, a married man, made another woman stand up at one of his rallies and said she had a “beautiful a$$” while he was president?

It would have dominated the news cycles for months. There would be long theological diatribes written and sermons preached about family values and the sanctity of marriage. There would probably even be calls for him to be impeached.

The outrage would have been swift and severe. 

Yet this is exactly what Donald Trump has done. A married man. The one so many republicans and Christians have hailed as their champion of Christian faith and family values for over a decade. He made Nicki Minaj stand, and stated to the entire nation that he thinks she has a “beautiful a$$.” All while the crowd laughed, applauded, and cheered.

We have witnessed intense scrutiny from the religious right towards every democrat in political power. From Bill Clinton, to Hillary Clinton, to Joe Biden, to Kamala Harris. The moral standard they have been held to by the religious right is unflinchingly rigid and unforgiving. When it came all of them, the message was clear: “character matters!”

Not to mention the constant demand for the “sanctity of marriage” and family values to be upheld in legislation over our entire country.

Yet even after Trump bragged about grabbing women by the “p*$$y.” Even after he said that if his daughter Ivanka wasn’t his daughter he would probably be dating her. Even after his name has appeared thousands of times in the Epstein files. Even after he was found liable for sexual assault. Even after he sexually objectifies another woman at his rally. All while being married, there isn’t even half the level of accountability or scrutiny.

Then when anyone dares to talk about this president’s sins and calls for repentance, two central tenets of Christianity, they are condemned by his supporters and told “no one is perfect,” and “you need to pray for him, not criticize him!”

The willful hypocrisy here is absolutely unreal and utterly heartbreaking.

One of the most blatant forms of hypocrisy in our time is Christians holding all ordinary people accountable to an extremely rigid set of moral standards, all while holding themselves and the president accountable to no standards at all.

You can’t complain that our society is rejecting Christianity, that people are leaving the church, and are condemning Christians as hypocrites when this kind of blatant hypocrisy, justification of despicable behavior, and a refusal to hold this president accountable has defined the Christian and republican support of him for over a decade.”- Denise Cosgrove

 

…Former President Obama on Wednesday responded to uproar over a recent campaign trail jab at President Trump’s White House decorations, slamming Republicans for focusing more on the joke than on the economy. 

“They mobilized a whole-of-government response to that joke, not to inflation, but to that joke,” Obama said during a campaign rally in Georgia. “This is what I mean when I say these are not serious people. They don’t have solutions to actual problems, so they’d rather have the media and you talking about the Cheesecake Factory.” 

 

…From The Daily Beast:

 

Delusional Trump, 80, Invents Approval Rating as Disaster Looms

 

 

…How does this just get buried in the newsfeed? If it was any other President—Obama, Reagan, Biden—it would be frontline every day, but they’ve normalized this:

Former Miss Switzerland Beatrice Keul alleges Donald Trump raped her at the Plaza Hotel in 1993

  

…Jesus, what would Jesus say?

ICE awards new 10-year WA detention center contract to GEO

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement awarded a new 10-year contract to the GEO Group for the immigrant detention center in Tacoma, one of the nation’s biggest.

 

…Okay, okay. Ginger.

…I loved this that someone posted: “I talk a lot of smack for someone who falls over putting on their underwear.”

 

…Earphones are the way you drown out the dogs, but I’m close to being completely deaf.

 

…If you think about it, maybe and maybe don’t mean the same thing.

 

…At the end of a life, nobody gathers around to admire how successfully someone avoided embarrassment. They tell stories. About the ridiculous things they did. The chances they took. The way they loved. Laughter that could fill a room.

Give them some fucking stories.

 

… “It’s a strange thing to watch the world remember someone while you’re still trying to figure out how to live without the people you remember them with.”

    David Bowick on his brother-in-law Matthew Perry

 

…From Cheers:

--Woody: Beer, Mr. Peterson?

--Norm: Little early in the day, isn’t it Woody?

--Woody: Little early for a beer?

--Norm: No, for stupid questions.

 

…If ignorance is bliss, America is Eden.

 

…Who you miss when you’re gone yourself tells you everything about yourself and what’s important to you.

 

…We ain’t got nothing but time, but don’t be late to the fire.

 

…Most times I have no idea what I’m doing.

 

…Well, wait and see. There’s still a chance.

 

…“You sense the reality of time, and you start measuring it. I hated the term ‘bucket list’ because that assumes you’re going to kick it. But you sense choices become more important. How do you stay loving? How do you stay optimistic?” Billy Crystal

 

…If we break down we can hitch a ride with a couple of long-haired hippies.

 

…Wait a minute. What in the hell is going on in Math Class?

 

…Everyone needs a big brother of some sort.

 

…“Psychedelic drugs cause panic and insanity in people who have not tried them.” Timothy Leary

 

…It’s a dog-eat world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.

 

…“Everybody has Parkinson’s. You have something that you have to adjust to and you have to learn about, you have to fold into your life. Once you decide what you’re going to do, the rest is out of your hands. I don’t worry about things I can’t do anything about.” Michael J. Fox.

 

…Good looks open doors, but good hair blows them off the hinges.

 

…The only question was when we’d let go, and would let go first.

 

…Even the mundane can be special, if you let it.

 

…I think sometimes because you don’t know the answers, you don’t want to ask the questions.

 

…If you want to figure out what’s going on, you talk to the guy in the back of the bar.

 

…“What do I learn from Parkinson’s? I learn patience, and I learn resilience, and I learn to recognize love and support when I see it. I’ve learned not to be concerned about asking for help. I ask for help. I share what I’m experiencing. I don’t try to hide it. I’ve learned openness, and I learned that just when you think you can’t get worse, it gets better. You just push through it, and you see what’s on the other side of that.” Michael J. Fox

 

…“There comes a point in your life where you are ready to tell your testimony.” Wynonna Judd

 

…I’m not quite there yet.

 

 …“Feeling heard is a deep, human need. It feels great when someone gets you. What’s a better feeling?” Martha Straus, “The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships

 

…If you can’t tell this is actually all for you.

 

—LET’S OPEN UP A RESTAURANT IN SANTA FE

 

Quotidian

 

I was picking

daisies on the bank

while you were

marking the headstones

of all our lost kids,

a smear of history

we’d never get back.

But then you bustled

and kissed me back

by the hedge where

the crows pecked,

our sorrows naked

and unbidden. You said,

“This is no one’s sad song,”

and for a moment, I believed you,

your tongue a slow corkscrew,

while I remembered everything—

how your skirt flipped,

how I dove in 

between your sweaty thighs,

thinking something as quotidian

as mouth-sex and true love

might just change it all.

 

—DON’T BOTHER KNOCKING

 

Sacrifice

 

My dog pulls me aside one afternoon and tells me we need to talk.

 

What’s up? I ask.

 

I’m not feeling too good, the pooch says.  I’ve been really sick for a long time.

 

I thought you seemed different, I say.

 

Yeah, but you never inquired.  You never made an effort.

 

Shit, I say, I’m sorry.  Work’s been a bitch lately.  My fucking boss hates me.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, my dog says.  You got problems, I get it.  But what I got is horrible, downright insidious.

 

Cancer?

 

Fuck if know.  All I do know, is it’s killing me and I don’t want to let it win.

 

Huh?

 

I’m saying, I want to win for once.  I’m saying, I want you to kill me before the disease does.

 

Are you nuts?

 

Maybe, but that’s beside the point.  The point is, will you do it?  Will you off me?

 

Off you?  Hell no. 

 

And why not?

 

Because you’re my dog, my pet, man’s best friend and all that.

 

Sheesh.  You are really some thong-wearing excuse for a man.  I ask you for one favor, one, and you buckle under some kind of contrived sentimentality.  

 

But is it really that bad?  I haven’t even taken you to the vet.

 

Exactly.  And now it’s too late.  I could go under before midnight.  The pain is horrendous.  Jackhammers everywhere.  I can’t even believe I have enough energy to talk to you.

 

This is just, just, so sudden.

 

For you maybe.  For me, I’ve been being skinned alive month after month after month.

 

That’s horrible.

 

I know!  Goddamnit, I know.  That’s why you have to do it.  Kill me.  Let me go out on top, having exercised agency for once.

 

It’s just…killing an animal, a dog, my dog.

 

Fucking, snap out of it.  Who are you all of a sudden, Mother Teresa?  You’re just lucky that boss who hates you hasn’t found out how much you’ve embezzled from the firm.

 

Shhh!  Keep your voice down.

 

One last time—Will you do it?  Because if you decline, I’m going to hang myself with that dental floss you never use.

 

Oh, God.

 

You don’t believe in God, remember?  And by the way, you might want to rethink that decision, considering there’s grace and forgiveness and all.

 

Am I that horrible?

 

Do you really want me to answer that? 

 

All right.  Okay.  Fuck it.  If you insist, I’ll kill you.

 

Excellent.  Let’s do this before your gonads shrink and end up swabbing your tonsils.

 

So crude!

 

 I dragged a shovel out into to the back yard, under the rotting hemlock you should probably have cut down sooner than later.

 

A shovel? 

 

Snow shovel.  Nice and flat.  Heavy.  Four or five good slams should do the trick.

 

Are you kidding?  Bludgeon you to death, with a snow shovel?

 

Do I look like I’m joking? my dog asks, baring yolk-yellow fangs.

 

All right.  Okay.

 

I open the sliding door and follow Sparky out into the yard where, true to his word, there sits a snow shovel I can’t remember ever owning.

 

Just do it quick, Sparky says.  No practice swings or anything like that.

 

You sound so casual.

 

My strategy is to not give death any credence.  Death already thinks it’s the shit.

 

So…

 

So, you grab that shovel and take my life and I win.  Fini.  End of the film.

 

You win?

 

Good grief, stop whimpering.  You sound like my brother, the one that got smothered when Mom rolled over asleep and didn’t notice the twitching hump under her.

 

Oh, God.

 

God again?  Stop, for God’s sake and just swing.

 

I do as my ailing dog has asked.  I hoist the shovel over my shoulders and bring it down in a mighty swoop, shutting my eyes in the process, anticipating the smashed melon sound of Sparky’s skull against metal, only there’s nothing.

 

When I look down, Sparky’s humping my leg, his tongue lolling like a manic tapeworm.

  

What the hell? I say.

 

You did it.

 

No, I didn’t.  You’re still alive.  You’re humping my leg.

 

Yeah, sorry, Sparky says, unlatching himself.  It’s sort of like a nervous tick, nothing sexual.  Remember, you had me spayed at six months.

 

I’m confused.

 

Nah, you’re not.  You’re the best.  You’d have killed me because I asked.

 

I’m still confused.

 

It was a test, dipshit.

 

Now I’m a dipshit?

 

Nah, not that either.  You’re the best.  I just wanted to be sure how much you cared.

 

And I, uh, passed your test?

 

With flying colors.

 

So, you’re not really lethally sick after all?

 

No, but you might be.  I mean, you’re the one talking to a dog.