—IF THIS IS REALLY THE END, IT’S A PRETTY UGLY WAY TO GO OUT

 

…“If you pass out, I’m going to come in there and pull your hair.”

 

…Timing is a curious thing.

 

…We passed 4.5 million views last week. Thank you for being here.

 

--11,000,000 people have signed up for 500,000 tickets to the Harry Styles New York City residency concerts, with tickets starting at $1,000.

 

…Some people just need to be agreed with.

 

…So, I guess we’re never going to have any cats.

 

…Whoever has the most fun wins.

 

…You can only fear you’re being a twit for so long until you are one. 

 

…What do I do now? What do I do here?

 

…Buckle up, Sparky. This is called life, and death. Get used to it.

 

…It all went so fast, why couldn’t it last? Only a moment ago…

 

…You never know. What do any of us know?

 

…I don’t think you’d love me right now.

 

…Well, that’s probably the dumbest idea ever. Yep.

 

…I can see your footsteps.

 

…Why do pastors, the ones we look to for advice and inspiration, have to be so full of shit?

 

…Funk—now there’s a word.

 

…Remember? Remember, we were going to do that?

 

...It’s probably not good to be curled up like a ball right now.

 

…Might as well look, because what else do I have?

 

…How much more can a person possibly cry, and what good does that even do?

 

…That was probably not a good decision, but who gets to decide these things?

 

…I really admire people who can avoid the news. And also optimists. And also that Olympian with the dead Ukrainian athletes on his helmet who got disqualified.

 

--Are you crying?

--Maybe.

--What’s going on?

--You tell me.

--You tell me, what?

--That’s why I’m crying.

 

…I’m biting my tongue so hard it’s bleeding.

...It wasn't always unicorns and rainbows, but it was worth it.

 

…Why would I lie about that?

 

…Can we ever stop with the doubting? Doesn't look like it.

 

…What good is symbolism if you’re the only one who gets it?

 

…It’s nothing if not both our fault.

 

…That’s a lot for me to handle right now.

 

…I don’t know how you’ll know, but you’ll just know.

 

…Maybe I’m not telling the joke. Maybe I am the joke.

 

…Not everything has to be complicated. Not everything has to be a thing.

“The app says it’s twenty degrees outside, but, with the wind chill and the general state of the world, it feels much worse.”

 

…I always think I’ve walked farther than I have.

 

--At least I missed this.

--Oh, please. You live for this kind of thing.

 

…You ain’t gonna to get no catch of the day swimmin’ around in the dark like that.

 

…Everything smells like the bottom of the ocean right now.

 

…What’s my point?

 

…I’ll deal with that this weekend. I’ll deal with that next week.

 

…“Why do people say that? Why do people have to make it about luck, like they just want to remind you that something bad might happen, that your luck may run out?” Emma Pattee, Tilt

 

…Calm down. The least calming words ever.

 

…Nobody needs flowers at the end of the world.

 

…Why can’t it ever be simple?

 

…Most fights are usually about nothing in the grand scheme of things but then also in the grand scheme of things, when taken together, they tell a larger story.

 

…Maybe we can do that if you think I’m thin enough.

 

…Let’s not get into all that. What good is it going to do?

 

…I know, I know. I can be passive-aggressive because I have a hard time sharing my feelings, but I will say, without question, that The Rip was fucking terrible.

 

…Should I just go to bed right now? I’m asking because I’m not sure.

 

…I still don’t get why people care about the Royals. I mean “Princess Kate” is something else. But is Prince Harry really a prince? Didn’t he abdicate from the thrown? And if Harry is still a prince, why does no one call Megan “Princess Megan.”? Is it racism, or something else? Again, why do people care about the Royals.

 

…I think there’s a kernel of truth in every lie I've ever heard.

 

…I wanna start a family so I can see if they can stand me.

 

…And there’s a whole lot of truth in that thought.

 

…A lot can happen in the back of a cab.

 

…Who could have known?

 

…Don’t let go.

 

…Here, you dropped this.

 

…I could have made better choices, that’s for sure.

 

…Is there some way we’re gonna beat the liquor down?

 

…WHAT I’VE LEARNED, Esquire

 

--I try not to use the word love lazily.

--“Make the other guy look good.” Isn’t that beautiful?

--I still get horribly nervous on film sets. I still am terrified of letting everybody down.

-- Ben Kingsley

 

--It’s all about being there for other people. And that’s it. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. 

– Judd Apatow

 

--Everything in life is just the fragile result of something that could have been so easily different.

--That’s the other thing SNL taught me; If it bombs, that’s okay. We’re going to move on to the next one. There’s another chance at bat.

--Everyone has to have a dark night of the soul where they understand that no one’s going to do it for them.

--It’s healthy to experience some mortality, some danger to this thing we do. It reminds you that you’re alive.  

--We all secretly want to be told what to do and where to go and how to be. You have to resist that urge. There’s no point to living if you give in to that completely.

-- Bowen Yang

 

--Those screaming voices that you keep blocked up in your body feel a lot better when they come out.

-- Kristen Stewart

 

--On signal that as a man you have become almost near unsavable is when you start blaming women for your romantic problems or blaming immigrants for your economic problems.

--We’re spending more money on ICE this year than we’re going to spend on children, because kids don’t vote.

--If you want your life to last longer, if you want to be more informed about what you find interesting, what you find moving, what you find funny, what things really give you joy, you need to lean into your emotions.

-- Scott Galloway

 

--As I get older, I die less.

-- Willem Dafoe

 

--Go with yourself. The world is full of shit. Go with yourself. That’s it.

-- Fiona Apple

 

…I found meaning in a memory.

 

…I don’t wanna, Baby, but I might.

 

…There you go, fire away.

 

 —GUESS YOU NEVER REALLY KNEW ME AT ALL

                              The Resiliency of Epidermis

          We don’t touch, we never do anymore.  

The mattress might as well be an island, a continent, a sea where it’s only safe to float, because the air—spiced and hot—is what holds us in place, what condenses us.

After the accident and so many surgeries, we can still breathe, but the fire left our skin too tender.  Even the slightest breeze against our flesh can feel threatening.  Doctors said, “The epidermis is only so resilient.”  They said, “The healing process will take some time.”

And now, look--your eyes flutter open, pupils the color of hot coffee--and it’s as if each of our irises is threaded together with invisible yarn, unable to look away, to disengage.

“Good morning, Peach Pie,” I say.

“Morning.”

Your face is the color of raw hamburger, yet you’ve never looked more beautiful, and so I tell you this.

“I feel like a bag of wax,” you say.

“Not even close.  You’re stunning.”

Your lips try twisting into a smile.  “Stop with your lies.  I look hideous.”

“We look the same.”

“You weren’t burnt as badly.”

“Ah, but you were, and so I was doubly.”

When you swallow air, I can see how difficult such a simple act is for you, how the air burns going down.

“I can’t even touch you,” you say.

“Sure you can.”

“The doctors said—“

“Shhh.”

Our eyes are what matters.  I tell you this without speaking and so we set aside words. 

Our eyes become hands, fingertips, lips, and curious tongues.  It’s a clumsy, blind man’s game, a search party in utter darkness, yet we work past what reality tells us.  

When I enter you, there’s a gasp of foul morning air.

“Oh my god.”

“You can feel me?”

You nod.  You say my name.  You tell me not to stop.  You say, “It’s been such a very long time.”

 

—DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD BE SO CRUEL

Swimming

I suppose we were swimming. Or trying to. Dogpaddling is probably the way to describe it. Our clothes sat in two heaps on the shore. From there they looked like dreams that had melted. I swallowed half a lake that day. Burped some back. Nature was too good for me. Anything good was too good for me. Except you. The sun was a big toe blister. Raw. Pink going scarlet. He waited on the shore for us. Belt in hand. Like a ring master at the circus. We were young animals. Love was a word we’d heard. We swam that way. The only direction home. Then we reversed. Swam opposite. Toward the evergreens. Their limbs. Like arms that might hold us. Their needles laughing in the breeze.

 

—I DON’T NEED YOU TO FIX WHAT I’D RATHER FORGET

  

…There’s only so much love can do.

 

…What good is the truth if you’re the only who knows it?

 

…I’m nothing if not superstitious.

 

…It gets pretty heavy, trying to lift someone up, day after day. Your arms burn and you can’t help but think how much easier it would be to just rest for a while.

 

…People have done harder things. Nobody I know, but still.

 

…You can dress it up all you want, but underneath, it’s still what it is.

 

--Are going to make it?

--I don’t know.

 

…Temperature’s up to 95.

 

…The air doesn’t get thicker for no reason.

 

…“The point of art is to unsettle.” Liz Robbins

 

…I’m not sad, I’m just always here.

 

…It doesn’t have to make sense to be real.

 

…Bay was right: Grief is anything but linear.

 

…“I think there was some jobbling going on.”

 

…Oh yeah, it’s right there.

 

…How you say what you mean changes what you say.

 

…Ghosts say funny things when they’re part of your family.

 

…“Yoo are not your thoughts.” Jill Weber PhD 

 

…Catch the world when it’s being good to you.

 

…Sorry, but I might need a jump.

 

…“Lest we forget, a morgue is also a community center.” Ocean Voung, Time is a Mother

 

…Maybe that’s the answer—only trust your best friend with your worst.

 

…If all we need is love, why do we always want more?

 

…People rarely do what they say they will or what they should.

 

…What do you tell someone when they’re looking for reassurance that you can’t legitimately give them?

 

…I think I’m doing the right thing isn’t always the right thing to do.

 

…A writer who can’t write is one of the saddest creatures alive.

 

…We need to talk is never a good way to start a conversation.

 

…A lot of times I keep my thoughts to myself because silence can’t be misquoted.

 

…A lot of times I think, God damn, life isn’t so bad.

 

…“You’re a fucking mess.”

 

…The stars saw it all.

 

… I realized my friends might be too important to me.

 

…“I love the idea of being a cheetah, because they run really fast. But it feels like a stressful life.” Emma Pattee, Tilt

 

…Poor, Stevie Nicks, always barking at nothing. Can’t you just give her to me? I’m right here.

 

…I had a dog once—Lucy. She was the best dog ever.

 

…You can’t find your way if you don’t where it is you’re supposed to be going.

 

…It’s pretty convenient to believe in God right now, depending on which chair you’re sitting in.

 

…Every day I wake up with the feeling I’ve already heard bad news though I’m not sure if it’s worse than the day before.

 

…It’s hard to be upbeat anymore. I mean, who could be excited for the apocalypse?

 

…Like last week—do you not see how impossibly awful that was?

 

…These are the things I’m trying to figure out sooner than later.

 

…The truth is, I never knew.

 

…Yesterday, you said tomorrow.

“Want to watch coverage of the politicians encouraging fascism or the politicians doing absolutely nothing to stop it?”

 

…I’m just a prop, and props don’t speak.

 

…Nobody wants to be the guy who didn’t nod to that question.

 

…Just let it go. Just don’t make it a thing.

 

…Sometimes I’m so scared I’m numb.

 

…The more scared you get, the nicer you have to be.

 

…What a day. Just give me a sec and I’ll stand back up.

 

…Whatever is about to happen, I don’t want to live it.

 

…That could have been so much worse. That could have been so bad. 

 

… “Try and get more comfortable with the idea that it’s impossible to prevent ourselves from letting others down,” Dr. Jennifer Reid

 

…I was to start, Reasons to be Happy, but that hasn’t worked out so great yet.

 

…Is it worse to try and fail than to not try at all? Because when you don’t try, you can’t always imagine the life you could have lived.

 

…I don’t think it’s like this for most people, which sometimes leaves me sacred.

 

…I guess it does. Does it really go that way?

 

…Why can’t things be simple, like they were before when I was sinner?

  

…“And that’s the problem, see, that’s the whole problem. The things on my mind are unfit for a fetus to hear.” Emma Pattee, Tilt 

 

…I might be there tomorrow.

 

…I’ll be better tomorrow.

 

…Okay, here’s what I’m going to do (…)

 

…It’s not a competition, but somebody’s gotta win, right?

 

…You know you’re really lonely when you read every email in your Junk folder.

 

…“Tell me, what’s going on?”

 

… No offense, but…

 

…Correct me if I’m wrong…

 

…“Mercy is small but the earth is smaller.” Ocean Voung, Time is a Mother

 

…What can possibly go wrong?

 

…Nothing worthwhile or enduring works immediately.

 

…I’m not a martyr. I’m never doing anything close to being called that. But it still doesn’t feel good.

 

...At this point, it’s probably smart to stop asking.

 

…A lot of my friends, and even family, will say, “I can’t do anything about it, so why worry about it?” But that’s just not me, even if I know I can’t do anything about it.

 

…I guess it doesn’t matter, though there are a lot of great reasons to be happy.

 

...I really like the intro. Sorry for re-playing it so much, but it means something to me.

 

…It’s not that I’m not sympathetic.

 

…People will tell you that everything is clear in hindsight, but really, it’s just rewritten.

 

…It’s just you and me now.

 

—IS THERE ROOM ON YOUR SHOULDERS?

 

The Upside

At least I didn’t find you. 

At least I loaned you that chunk of money the first time (though not the second). 

At least we were best friends going on 16 years. 

At least you got to call me a Dick and we both got a jolly laugh out of that. 

At least no one got hurt (until they did).

At least we bought each other’s books (and drinks). 

At least we knew who the frauds and wolves were among us.

At least you knew how much I loved you. 

At least one of us is still alive to write this.   

 

—FLY ROBIN, FLY

Hollow

We were going to live forever, your blind cats too, that was the plan, but every bottle had a hole in it, every glass a crack that leaked, and the riverbeds were dry and the sun thirsted like an iguana in the desert, and you kept saying, Give me one more week, Give me one more week, until forever fell apart, leaving us both bone dry and broken, two empties made of hollow glass.

 

     Karen Stefano passed away last weekend. Some of you who come here knew her. She was one of my very best friends and favorite people. I loved making her laugh. 

     She was a writer and ran one of the first podcasts highlighting authors from the indie world. 

      A former San Diego prosecutor who earned a judgeship, she was a badass, so smart and bright, sarcastic and funny as hell, but she was also incredibly kind, fiercely loyal and one of the best listeners I’ve ever met. 

     There’s obviously much more I could say about Karen and even writing this was a challenge. I’m still crushed beyond measure but just wanted to let those know who need to. I’m unsure what her relatives have planned, but I can give you details once I learn them.