—LET THE COLORS BLEED OUT INTO THE ROOM

 

…I definitely look thinner, I think.

 

…I’m not sure what that is, but I definitely need to get rid of it.

 

…And yes, I’m definitely using definitely intentionally.

 

…Anaheim is actually a long ways away from anywhere.

 

…I’m better when I’m tucked in.

 

…If you read this, you know I only hate three people in the entire world. But I hate them with a verve I never thought I had in me, and every day’s news only reinforces that.

 

…“Backrooms.” Wow, that film ripped my head off, as well as the dead person’s head next to me.

 

…I get four poems sent to me each day—Daily Rattle, Poem-a-Day, Poetry Daily, Lit Hub—and each time I read one, it feels like such a gift. Not to sound more cornier than I usually do here, but poetry is the answer to most things that ail you.

 

…Since I’m alone, I think I’ll just sit here with this question for while—Like, What if?

 

,..Gosh, I love Maggie Rogers so much. I hope life treats her well. Somehow, she feels like a daughter of mine and I feel protective.

 

…Tonight is an experiment. That’s the only word I can come up with.

 

…It’s getting a little crowded in here.

 

…I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, but I know there’s something I’m meant to do.

 

…I get it—this as close as I’m ever going to get.

 

…Do people really wash behind their ears? I do, because of something I heard a long time ago about having clean underwear and clean ears if you die unexpectedly.

 

…You can read my mail, but I’m pretty sure it’ll just disappoint you.

 

…It’s so hot out, but I’m still cold somehow, and I’m wearing a hoodie. Help me make sense of that.

 

…The strings on “Grocery” kill me.

 

…What am I really looking for, because there’s nothing to see here other than beautiful waves of water?

 

…You steal the air out of my lungs, please don’t take the money.

 

…I can still hear that drumbeat of “Honeybody” on repeat.

 

…Shocker: It seems like you’ve got it all handled.

 

…They tell me life can teach you how to live if you stick it out.

 

…I don’t think I’m nauseous yet, so that’s one more good thing. 

 

…The other morning, I was up early and the light in the sky was fantastic. Other-wordly really. There were loads of clouds, rugs and rugs of them, each one like a Vermeer painting. I just sat there for an hour or so and watched them float by and thought, This is why it’s a gift to be alive.

 

…“Miley doesn't miss you
she got the spread on the college issue.”

 

…When I talk about willpower, this is what I’m talking about.

 

…We’ll see.

 

…A lot of times I feel like I’m flunking out.

 

…I don’t get some people. I don’t get what they’re thinking.

 

…I’ve just got to get used to that. The sludge.

 

…Listening to music with earbuds is one of the best things ever.

 

…How do you just slip the word dodecahedron into the rest of the lyrics in a song?

 

…I’m really a happy person who just happens to write horrifically sad things all of the time. No therapist I’ve been to has been able to explain to me why I do that.

 

…Someday, when I’ve died suddenly, this will be all that’s left of me, which is why I try to take special care of what I say here.

  

…Sometimes I’ll think, Wait, you don’t even have 60 seconds to text me? But then I’ll remember they’re not me. 

 

…I wish I had the words back then before I let the end begin.

 

… “Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull.” ~ Rod Serling

 

…Here’s another thing I tell myself, though probably not enough: Be productive. Be intentional. You only have so much time.

 

…But sometimes I’m just trying to get to tomorrow.

 

…Tomorrow looks a lot different without certain people in it.

 

…Here’s what I tell myself a lot of times: Just don’t be stupid.

 

…I know we didn’t waste our time. At least we got that peace of mind. And we’ll joke about it when we’re old, facing all those dreams we sold.

  

… “Nobody Will Know"

No one will ever know 

that we lived, 

that we touched the streets with our feet 

that we danced joyfully, 

No one will ever know

that we gazed at the sea 

from the train windows, 

that we breathed 

the air that settles 

on the café chairs,

No one will ever know

that we stood 

on the terrace of life 

until the others arrived.”

         –Nino Pedretti,

  

…Be strong, I tell myself while knowing I’m anything but strong.

 

…This is the kind of article I never, in a million years, thought I would even notice, but now it seems they’re like some kind of insidious propaganda whose only purpose it to make you worry:

Must Reads: 6 dementia symptoms that can show up years before a diagnosis

 

…I guess I tell myself too much.

 

…“I wish” lacks agency, yeah, but sometimes you just wish.

 

…There must be thousands of bands out there that would be huge if they'd ever got that one break.

 

…“When I was nine, I wrote to myself
Set the email to open in 13 years
Says, ‘I hope you're happy all your life’
Be kind to yourself, make sure you're alright.”

    ---Nick Ward, All Your Life

 

…There’s not much worse than a broken phone call.

 

…Okay, silence is worse.

 

…“I’ll get back to you,” is probably the worst thing someone can ever say to you, because they never do.

 

 …This seems like a really good time to go to bed since no one else is up.

 

—YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF REASONS TO SMILE 

…Sometimes I don’t feel very comfortable playing myself, let alone playing someone else’s self.

 

…I honestly really admire extroverts.

…Whatever you’re thinking about right now, don’t do it. Just don’t.

--What’s the password?

--Narcan.

--Narcan?

--Yeah, are you deaf?

--That sounds a little unsettling.

 

…I’ve gotten used to it finally, how things mess with my head.

 

…I figure I’ll figure it out once I get there, if I get there.

 

…If you could give me some more time to explain it to you, it might all make sense. But I know you’re busy a lot of the time.

 

…One problem I have, among many, is I have too many pages. It’s like I’m a hoarder of prose and poetry and bullshit, all of those words backing up while still sitting there.

 

…I can’t imagine anything mattering more.

 

…What was I thinking there?

 

…Perfect is a word, like Jesus, for those who believe in it. 

 

…Everything I say sounds redundant.

 

…Maybe I just really want to talk to someone.

 

…“And just like that, one two three, Kirby gets out of a jam!”

 

…You should always avoid a disaster if you possibly can.

 

…Oh, yeah, that oven’s hot. It just beeped at me. It might even have had eyebrows.

 

…That’s why you should never look down.

 

…Who in the hell “loves” going to the doctor? Oh yeah, your best friend in the entire world.

 

…I’m just trying to keep the ball away from you. Isn’t that what they try to do in soccer, or football, or basketball, or any sport?

 

…I really do love Rocky, despite that sometimes he resembles an extra from The Omen.

 

…I get why the idea of crouching on your knees, and praying, guts-out, tears and such—seems stupid, or even cultish, to someone looking in from the outside—but what if they’re right and you’re wrong? What if there really is a God who loves you, after all? 

 

…“When you have no music, everything becomes a form of music.” Terrance Hayes, Lightheaded

 

…I can sometimes tend to get too sentimental with my friends. Just ask Steve K. 

 

…Alert: Theft reported less than 3.3 miles from your home

 

…Alert: Shooting reported less than 3.5 miles from your home

 

…The news just wants to tell you the world’s falling apart, which it is, but do they have to repeatedly rub it in our face, night after night?

 

…“Remaking is rarely the end of the journey—it often becomes the beginning of something new.” Jonathan Cardew

 

…I think if I was a dick, like in general, as a person, I’d really want someone to tell me I was. Like, I’d want to know.

 

…Unless you’re looking to get back surgery, you really can’t fall asleep in office chairs.

 

…Just so you know, your posture is perfect, and your will power is impeccable.

 

…“We don’t have Happy Hour around here because every hour is happy here.” 

 

…It’s almost impossible to read about these clowns, in this administration, and not throw up in your lap.

-You have a White Supremist leading “The Department of War” requiring testosterone tests for military personnel. (Really? WTF?)

-You have Kash Patel, head of the fucking FBI, asking for the names and phone numbers of NYT reporters who’ve published a story that’s derogatory to the current administration.

-You have Lee Zeldin, head of the EPA, a climate change/global warming denier, virtually begging states to pump oil and abandon electric cars, all while the world burns.

-You have Dr. Oz (seriously?) and an idiot somehow named Kennedy, saying almost all vaccines are bad. Even the one for Measles. 

-You have…

Just pick any fucking idiot. I’m serious.

 

…WTFF?

 

…Oh yeah, and 3.5 million Epstein files have been released, and we have a so-called “Department of Justice,” yet nothing’s been done about any of it. We’re talking about 1,300 children. Children.

 

…Oh yeah, that’s right, and also, Satan has been mentioned 38,000 times (NYT) in those files.

 

…Fuck that fucking guy.

…I might need to take a step back and calm down.

…I don’t really give a fuck. Except I do.

  

…Anyway, how about those Mariners? 

…I get it. It’s really just about what you see or feel in the moment.

 

…What’s your worst fear? 

I have eight of them, and bridges are farther down the list.

…I’m not bitching, I’m not, but what I don’t have any more, is a Karen to call when it feels like the right time to talk to your sister. 

…“Often the most exciting writing begins when we allow something broken, overlooked, or borrowed to become something entirely new.” Jonathan Cardew

…I wish I didn’t like additives so much.

…You can forget a lot of things, but you can’t forget those that changed the trajectory of your life.

…Well, we knew we had the good things, but those never seem to last. Oh, please just last.

 

--The cake is the whole thing.

--I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.

--Exactly.

 

…“Perhaps you’re experiencing stages of grief right now, and that’s clouding things.” 

 

...“The lower the self-esteem, the harder the slap.” It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 

…My watch is a good mother who’s always looking out for me, even when I think she’s being a Bitch. It’s good to have one of those, if you’re that lucky.

 

…If every airport was Paine Field, no one would board. They’d just sit there, thinking they were at a ski lodge.

 

…I was hoping you’d see something I saw.

 

…The only thing I really know, through all this is--we have to be kind. Please be kind.

 

…This is a developing story, however.

 

…It’s not as simple as it seems. Not ever. Not even love.

 

…If something is off, even the coffee tastes wrong.

 

…What did you do to me? Did you staple something to my head?

 

…We can do whatever we want. Nothing else matters.

 

…“Even though you have broken my heart, I’d just like to say that in another lifetime, I would have loved to just do laundry and taxes with you.” Everything Everywhere All At Once

…If you just look around, there’s always someone who needs love.

…“When you want stuff to disappear, all you have to do is point.”

...When you find yourself nonplussed, just remember, stranger things than this have happened.

…I’ve got a lot more to say, but then, doesn’t everyone?

…Oh, good. You’re still here.

…Me, I’m heading downstairs where the ghosts are gathered.

 

—NOBODY’S GONNA GO TO SCHOOL TODAY

 

Massachusetts

 

How does a mother use exercise bands to strangle her babies—8 months, 3 years, 5 years? I don’t know. It’s a sickness. It’s murder. Or something else. It’s every platitude you’ve ever been told. Her husband maybe is or maybe is not a Christian or a fireman who catches people jumping from a housefire using a faulty ladder. I’m not judging, just reading the reporter’s words. I knew a bad mother once. She never killed anyone that I know of. Maybe she really wanted to but missed her shot. I don’t know what I believe anymore. Some say God will decide. Others say a jury of her peers. Where do you find peers for a job like that? I’m done with reading ever again, as long as I live, so help me God.    

 

Erasure

 

There was nothing left to do, so she decided to erase herself. Bit by bit. Bone by bone. The gaps leaking black instead of red somehow, as if her body had merely been redacted, which only confused her more.

So, she persisted, deleting her earlobes and eyebrows, her elbows that always bumped into the wrong places. The wonky nose she never liked. The strawberry locks of hair her grandmother once twirled in her fingers and called Heaven-sent. 

But that wasn’t enough, so she eliminated her teeth next, then her breasts, because they were far too heavy, and besides, boys always stared there like wax statues whose mouths could actually foam. 

Yet none of the erasure mattered because she still felt too full, too present and obvious. After all, she was flunking math and science, flunking out of school entirely, and her schoolmates still posted lie after lie online.

Eventually the choice was easy: she stripped away the rest of her in a few quick strokes, starting with her pubic hair, her vagina, and everything else, though she left her uterus intact, just in case.

 

—THIS MACHINE IS KILLING ME

 

…To paraphrase Blondie, one way or another, we’re going to get this done.

 

…The curtains still dance with the wind and the sky. The sun'll be coming up soon.

 

…“I just don’t get why you have to be such a Bitch.” 

 

…What I’ve learned is that usually when I’m most angry is also when I most want someone to hold me.

 

…I should probably sleep more.

 

--Who wears a hoodie? In July? When it’s 80 degrees out?

--Oh, yeah, I guess I do.

--Dumb Fuck.

 

…Open it up. There’s a picture of you inside.

 

…It feels like I’m just setting myself up for another kind of death.

 

…How many ways can you kill a boy?

 

…It’s early, though, and no one’s really around. 

 

…“I don’t know what she wants, but I could use a crockpot.” 

 

…Yeah, what the hell?

 

…I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse. I think you count yourself lucky if you at least feel something.

 

…It’s just more than I expected.

 

…I thought I already lost that one.

 

--What do women really want?

--A handyman.

--So...I guess I’m fucked again?

 

…I don’t think you’re implying anything when you share art with another person who loves art other than you think they might feel the punch of it a little bit like you do.

 

--Why didn’t you do something?

--There was a lot of noise.

--Noise?

--Yeah, you know, like sounds and stuff.

 

…They’re changing the weather now and I’m not sure you can ever change it back.

 

…I want to be proud, but I need a real reason.

 

…I wonder if it’s too late to start a new boy band.

 

…I have this photo, of the four of us in NYC, happy as hell, stood up on the windowsill, and it’s one of my favorites but if I look at it too long, or too close, all I do is sob.  

 

…“Showing up when you’d rather not seems to be a hallmark of adulthood.” Lizzy Goodman

 

…There are so many days when I’d rather not show up. Like ever. But doesn’t everyone think that, on occasion? 

 

…There are some things you can’t ever forget, even if the other person has.

 

…Anxiety is no one’s friend. There are few truer statements than that.

 

…Trying not to throw up on yourself can be a tricky proposition, especially if you’re about to go out for lunch or dinner.

 

…Sometimes I don’t even know what it means, but if it feels authentic, I’ll usually like it.

 

…I think that’s called oversharing.

 

… Forty-eight years ago today, beloved singer Andy Gibb topped the Billboard Hot 100 chart with his iconic song “Shadow Dancing.”

The song dominated the chart for seven consecutive weeks, marking the third No. 1 single of Gibb’s career. The achievement made him the first solo artist in history to top the charts with his first three singles. It was also the most played song of that year.

 

…“Fucking love Andy!!”

 

…Racism seems so fucking stupid. Like so fucking idiotic.

 

...(Yeah, I know, I know... I’ll try to stop with all the F words.)

 

…The problem is, I have no vowels left. 

 

…I think I’m feeling onery, but what am I going to do about it?

 

…“I’m always reading. I’m reading to extract knowledge. Every book I own, I need. My library is my manual for life.” Mendel Uminer

 

…There are so many ways to disappear now.

 

…I mean, just look at that sunset. It’s luminous. Magnificent.

 

…I can’t believe a guy who had to drive back to that faraway restaurant to pick up my lost credit card and then spent days haggling with people to also locate my left laptop from the airport is thanking me for doing petty shit like driving him to the train station. 

But that’s him, and why I love him.

 

…I talked to an old friend yesterday and it was like we’d just hung out together the day prior, though it’s been a decade or more. I think that means something.

 

…Yeah, I know it’s hard, but it gets better when we pretend.

 

…“This is how it continues: 

      The cold, the snow, the slight 

         trembling in your hands.”

            --Daniel Simko 

 

…I don’t know, did I really do that?

 

…But if you’re worried about the weather, you picked the wrong place to stay.

 

…“Oh, I know it’s only special cause it ends.

I’m still terrified I’ll outlive all my friends.

But loving just to lose is not the same as wasting time

I’ve come to realize.” Aubory Bugg

 

…Everyone’s unhappy, everyone’s ashamed. Well, we all just got caught looking at everyone else’s page.

 

…The last thing in the world I need is more pants. 

 

…Or another reason to hate that fucking guy.

 

…Most nights, paradise looks like someone who genuinely wants to have my head in their lap.

 

…One of the best things in the world is feeling safe enough with someone to have a meaningful conversation where you’re not worried about saying the wrong thing, where you’re not at all concerned you’re revealing too much of yourself to the other person.

 

…I keep entering, and thinking I should win, these contests. But, nope. Top six is the closest I’ve got and I don’t think I even cracked the top 50 in all the others.

 

…Doesn’t do a lot for a writer’s confidence, that much I can tell you.

 

…But I’ll keep entering and donating money to the arts.

 

…In the words of Roxane Gay, “I have become accustomed to rejection.”

 

…Sometimes it’s hard to sleep in Lucy’s room because her ghost is still there. And yeah, I understand how stupid that sounds. 

 

…“Isn’t this the purpose of grief, to remind us that love is real?” Daragh Fleming

 

…Life would be a huge struggle without friends. I’m not sure how some people do it.

 

…I can fill up fifty pages of nonsense faster than you can fill fifty liters of urine after drinking two cases. It doesn’t mean one of us is better than the other.

 

…Why do we even compare? It seems so dumb.

 

…I’d call him a clown, but that’s giving him too much credit---

Trump accuses China of 2020 voting interference, contradicting US intelligence findings

Are you Fucking kidding me? Who has an ego like this?

…At least the Ms are on tonight. I think.

 

…There’s nothing I can tell you that you don’t already know.

 

…It’s always the ending that’s most important. A lot of times it should be shorter than it is.

 

…“Don’t forget to drink water.”

—FEELS LIKE MOTION SICKNESS

The Believer

We watched the fruit ripen, 

suffer and split.

It was all we could do by then.

Like everything else, the sun had

turned its back on us, suddenly selfish,

no longer neighborly or trustworthy.

Our dog went rabid, running

figure eights around the bushes, 

barking at each brittle branch as if 

the bees themselves had become phantoms 

or lepers who forget how to beg properly.

 

And still, deer came off the hill, 

sniffing whatever tufts remained, 

ripping up chunks of sod from 

the scorched aftermath, sucking

them down cotton mouthed

while lonesome blue jays flew by,

blood-smeared and battle-tested.

In the berry patch, our dog continued 

to circle while squealing on high,

an operatic finish.

I started to cry, but you told me Shush,

told me nature has a way 

of saving her young because 

she’s a mother, first and foremost.

You told me so many things

back then and I believed them all.