—SHE SAID TO GET BETTER 

…Do you love me, which one is it? Do you love me?

…Wait, what? There are 31 days in July? 

 

…Arguing with your kid about art—it doesn’t get much better than that, at least not for me. Maybe he’ll remember someday, how we bantered the words “artistic integrity” back and forth, and why that matters.

 

…Lucy’s room kind of feels like my second home now.

 

…“Life’s not all bad when I really think I’ve thrown everything but the kitchen sink at it. Wouldn’t bet my piggy bank on it.” Sly Jr. piggy bank

 

...I never ever expected to win in the first place, so Congratulations!!! I hope you get famous, or whatever the Fuck it is you want from life.

 

…Here it goes, those first finger taps I love so much.

 

…I’m waving out a window, is anyone waving back at me?

 

…It must really be something, to want to bark that bad.

 

…“Drink a little water before going to bed. That will help a lot.”

 

…Good luck with all that, Sucker. 

 

…“I fell down last week, 

I couldn’t pick myself up.

My Momma called me last week,

I started to cry when I hung up.”

          Role Model—six speed

 

…I’m going to keep all my WTF? messages to myself from now on since I’m, apparently, the only one who gets them.

 

…There are only so many times you can say goodbye until it feels like you’re just making shit up while trying really hard not to get your soul crushed again and again.

 

...Maybe you just made that whole story up about me without me knowing it.

 

…“How long have you been up?”

 

…You look like fucking Hell.

 

…I don’t get it. Can’t you just love who you love? What does it matter what their sex is? Come on, really, don’t be as stupid as that, as them.

 

…“Evil doesn’t care. It just needs a victim and a road.” Charlie Salmon

 

…There’s only one reason someone sends you that, you stupid bastard.

 

…We’re almost there. Promise. Pinkie Swear.

 

…Can’t stand the way you turn your head when you see I’m bleeding.

 

…I get so angry sometimes, and I’m not sure where else to place my fury other than here. Sorry. Though look—not a single political comment on today’s post.

 

…But I had a nap, plus there’s always Audrey Hobert. She’s the real deal, goofy as hell, a young Lucille Ball, but true through and through. 

 

…I’m not suggesting anything, but I wonder, in a world of 6 billion people, how many have looked into a mirror this morning and asked themselves, “Okay, what are we doing here right now?”

 

…They have a really awful band name, but still “Light Me Up” is a pretty fucking great song.

 

…Pushing “Delete” is almost always a wise decision.

 

…Some days, five days feels like 5,000, but maybe it doesn’t feel the same way to you. I really don’t know how it feels to you.

 

…Whatever you do right now, keep that door closed.

 

…This is going to sound a lot more fun tomorrow. Or so, I’m praying.

 

…Here’s what you do now—you just lay down and say, “Uncle,” like the old days when “Chinese torture” was still a thing and not some kind of racial slur, when your older brothers really wanted to kill you, but somehow left you alive, young and still breathing.

 

…“My friend Eddy’s here.”

 

…I guess the answer is you play “Katie” again:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ae0sYBbXkbo&list=RDae0sYBbXkbo&start_radio=1

 

…I just wasted a day I’ll never get back, but it was actually pretty fucking fun in a lot of respects, so maybe it wasn’t a waste after all.

 

…“Can you leave the key on the counter before you go?”

 

…What I hate is pretending.

 

…I guess I do a lot of pretending, but don’t we all, in one way or another?

 

...What I’ve learned is epiphanies aren’t always good like you think they are.

 

…I listened to three different songs during my workout yesterday that referenced how “your ass shakes.” Seriously. Three. It’s either totally misogynist, or else those words must mean something really special that I just don’t get—how your ass shakes, and why it’s important enough to incorporate them into song lyrics.

 

…I like the sound of laughter. I like when your ass shakes.

 

…“What does ‘AWK!’ mean?”

 

…You need to learn when to turn the volume down. I’m still working on that.

 

--Don’t be stupid. You can’t adopt a child.

--Why not?

--You’re sixty-six.

--(Fuck off.)

 

…That’s one way of putting it--“This war is ⁠illegal.” Andrii Sybiha, Ukrainian Foreign Minister

 

…Is the rain going to beat me, or the berries, or you? 

I hope it’s you.

 

…Dude, get control of your dogs. Why do you even have dogs if you’re never there for them?

 

…I might have too many tabs open right now.

 

…This party’s only going to last so long before it crashes.

 

…If you do anything often enough, you get better at it. I mean, anything.

 

…“I think writing is a way of fixing things, too.” Eliza

 

…Yeah, but you’re not here, so you don’t really know, and that’s not your fault.

 

…I think I need to calm down.

 

…I always wonder—What’s the real reason, though?

 

…You can tell me all you want about symmetry, but I’ll still never believe it, or you. Sorry, not sorry.

 

…I could probably watch “Wet Hair” forever.

 

…Wait, how old am I?

 

…The definition of cruel is when your children are cruel to you, even if they’re doing it lazily, without meaning to.

 

…Your shirt’s too big, you dyed your hair.

 

…I guess the thing you’re supposed to do is you’re supposed to let the air out of your lungs once in a while. 

 

…In a couple of more years, this will feel normal, and you’ll forget what my face feels like in your hands.  

…Maybe I just need a Stevie Nicks.

…Or a Lucy. Yeah, a Lucy. I know I’d be happy if Lucy was here. I can only sleep in her room so many times.

…I don’t feel anything at all like a trophy, but I feel a lot like a fake one lately.

…Sometimes the difference is just a couple of inches.

…I’m in my car, I’m killing time, Should I go and guzzle a glass of wine?

…If you knew it on “the rooftop that night” what the hell happened, Jack? Please take care of Margaret, please.

…“As a writer, one of the things I’ve always been interested in doing is actually invading your comfort space. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Get under your skin, and make you react.” Stephen King

…I love my bathroom mirror because it magically makes me look way better than I actually do, but then when I look into any other mirror, the truth is a harsh bitch who doesn’t mince words.

…Just a warning—I was aiming to lift, shave and shower, but none of those things came to pass. So, I might resemble that guy on the curb with his hoodie held out like a hat wanting to be filled up with rain.

…I’m going to push “Save” now just to be safe.

…And I don’t wanna cry, because no one ever cries if they’re tough.

…You can’t beat that, even when you think you can.

…But I’ve done it a couple of times. Trust me, if I can do it, you can.

…I was in the mud. I was in the dirt. Found out what I was worth.

…I think I might have been a cult leader when all I was really taxed with was being a manager of people.

…There are some films, and songs, that are so sacred they should never be remade or “covered.” “Beast of Burden” is one of those. And who the fuck is Argonaut & Wasp anyway?

…A lot of stuff on social media makes no sense, or it annoys the hell out of me and after I’ve read it, I feel like I’m lost in the hallways of “Backrooms,” bouncing off walls without even knowing why.

…Maybe God is just a cop that we can fast talk.

…I’m just sitting here, in my head again, which is dangerous for all sorts of reasons.

...“Yep, your hair is looking pretty greasy.”

...I pay close attention to epiphanies, because they’re rare, sort of like angels landing on your shoulder. But what do you do when the epiphany isn’t at all what you wanted to hear?

…I’ve got a million reasons to smile, so why is it so hard?

…Sometimes the story’s better with a different ending, but if it’s genuine, any ending should do.

…Trying to tinker with someone else’s story is always tricky, but the key is you just have to say, Fuck it, and start slaying what needs to be slayed.

…Yeah, I’ve thought about it, and I know how self-centered it is, but there’s really no excuse for that.

…I’m really cold. Even though it’s 93 degrees out, I’m cold. Why is that?

…I think the thing about “Grown Up” is it just makes you happy, if you let it.

…I guess we all have our moments when we find logic constraining.

…Tomorrow. Tomorrow’s the day I'll finally do it.

…I’ll start shortening things next week. I’m just not quite ready right now.

 

—TWO BOYS, ONE TO KISS YOUR NECK, AND ONE TO BRING YOUR BREAKFAST, GETCHA OUT OF BED

 

Beth

 

We were stoned and late for the Kiss concert that night, but “Beth” was playing in the El Camino, on full blast, when I placed the head of a dandelion in your palm, which smeared golden in your sweat like egg yolk, highlighting creases I’d never noticed. 

You said, “Oh, gosh, you gave me a brand-new sun, not a daughter,” as if quoting Proust, but I was awkward, gangly, and didn’t know how to reply, so I just kissed your chipped fingertips instead, sucked on your dirty nails until they turned white. 

We never made it there that night. We never had a son. But even now, I still think about that exit we missed, the way your fingers tasted in my mouth, both filthy and delicious.

 

—THINGS AREN’T GOING GREAT RIGHT NOW, BUT THEY OFTEN DO  

                                         The Perils of Color

         

      It seems like the end, because we’re stuffed in the corner of a coffee shop and she’s telling me about the perils of color, which is when I notice how her eyes shift from Christmas pine to amber, and there’s a teeny eraser nub of leftover mocha foam on the tip of her upper lip that I used to nuzzle when I was so crazy in love but not the least bit hungry, and everyone around us is concentrating in the buxom silence as if it’s 9/11 replaying on their laptop screens and the jovial barista with a septum ring is swabbing the next tabletop over with a filthy rag that resembles a loaded diaper, the kind I’d be taxed with changing if we’d ever had kids, but again, this feels like the finish line because she sits across from me like some antique vase they enclose in safety glass at European museums—alarmed, untouchable and fragile, with hand-painted swirls on both sides—when she finally tilts her head up for one last look at the audience and says, The thing is, I told you I wanted pink, but all you ever craved was blue.

 

—LET THE COLORS BLEED OUT INTO THE ROOM

 

…I definitely look thinner, I think.

 

…I’m not sure what that is, but I definitely need to get rid of it.

 

…And yes, I’m definitely using definitely intentionally.

 

…Anaheim is actually a long ways away from anywhere.

 

…I’m better when I’m tucked in.

 

…If you read this, you know I only hate three people in the entire world. But I hate them with a verve I never thought I had in me, and every day’s news only reinforces that.

 

…“Backrooms.” Wow, that film ripped my head off, as well as the dead person’s head next to me.

 

…I get four poems sent to me each day—Daily Rattle, Poem-a-Day, Poetry Daily, Lit Hub—and each time I read one, it feels like such a gift. Not to sound more cornier than I usually do here, but poetry is the answer to most things that ail you.

 

…Since I’m alone, I think I’ll just sit here with this question for while—Like, What if?

 

...Gosh, I love Maggie Rogers so much. I hope life treats her well. Somehow, she feels like a daughter of mine and I feel protective.

 

…Tonight is an experiment. That’s the only word I can come up with.

 

…It’s getting a little crowded in here.

 

…I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, but I know there’s something I’m meant to do.

 

…I get it—this as close as I’m ever going to get.

 

…Do people really wash behind their ears? I do, because of something I heard a long time ago about having clean underwear and clean ears if you die unexpectedly.

 

…You can read my mail, but I’m pretty sure it’ll just disappoint you.

 

…It’s so hot out, but I’m still cold somehow, and I’m wearing a hoodie. Help me make sense of that.

 

…The strings on “Grocery” kill me.

 

…What am I really looking for, because there’s nothing to see here other than beautiful waves of water?

 

…You steal the air out of my lungs, please don’t take the money.

 

…I can still hear that drumbeat of “Honeybody” on repeat.

 

…Shocker: It seems like you’ve got it all handled.

 

…They tell me life can teach you how to live if you stick it out.

 

…I don’t think I’m nauseous yet, so that’s one more good thing. 

 

…The other morning, I was up early and the light in the sky was fantastic. Other-wordly really. There were loads of clouds, rugs and rugs of them, each one like a Vermeer painting. I just sat there for an hour or so and watched them float by and thought, This is why it’s a gift to be alive.

 

…“Miley doesn't miss you
she got the spread on the college issue.”

 

…When I talk about willpower, this is what I’m talking about.

 

…We’ll see.

 

…A lot of times I feel like I’m flunking out.

 

…I don’t get some people. I don’t get what they’re thinking.

 

…I’ve just got to get used to that. The sludge.

 

…Listening to music with earbuds is one of the best things ever.

 

…How do you just slip the word dodecahedron into the rest of the lyrics in a song?

 

…I’m really a happy person who just happens to write horrifically sad things all of the time. No therapist I’ve been to has been able to explain to me why I do that.

 

…Someday, when I’ve died suddenly, this will be all that’s left of me, which is why I try to take special care of what I say here.

  

…Sometimes I’ll think, Wait, you don’t even have 60 seconds to text me? But then I’ll remember they’re not me. 

 

…I wish I had the words back then before I let the end begin.

 

… “Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull.” ~ Rod Serling

 

…Here’s another thing I tell myself, though probably not enough: Be productive. Be intentional. You only have so much time.

 

…But sometimes I’m just trying to get to tomorrow.

 

…Tomorrow looks a lot different without certain people in it.

 

…Here’s what I tell myself a lot of times: Just don’t be stupid.

 

…I know we didn’t waste our time. At least we got that peace of mind. And we’ll joke about it when we’re old, facing all those dreams we sold.

  

… “Nobody Will Know"

No one will ever know 

that we lived, 

that we touched the streets with our feet 

that we danced joyfully, 

No one will ever know

that we gazed at the sea 

from the train windows, 

that we breathed 

the air that settles 

on the café chairs,

No one will ever know

that we stood 

on the terrace of life 

until the others arrived.”

         –Nino Pedretti,

  

…Be strong, I tell myself while knowing I’m anything but strong.

 

…This is the kind of article I never, in a million years, thought I would even notice, but now it seems they’re like some kind of insidious propaganda whose only purpose it to make you worry:

Must Reads: 6 dementia symptoms that can show up years before a diagnosis

 

…I guess I tell myself too much.

 

…“I wish” lacks agency, yeah, but sometimes you just wish.

 

…There must be thousands of bands out there that would be huge if they'd ever got that one break.

 

…“When I was nine, I wrote to myself
Set the email to open in 13 years
Says, ‘I hope you're happy all your life’
Be kind to yourself, make sure you're alright.”

    ---Nick Ward, All Your Life

 

…There’s not much worse than a broken phone call.

 

…Okay, silence is worse.

 

…“I’ll get back to you,” is probably the worst thing someone can ever say to you, because they never do.

 

 …This seems like a really good time to go to bed since no one else is up.

 

—YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF REASONS TO SMILE 

…Sometimes I don’t feel very comfortable playing myself, let alone playing someone else’s self.

 

…I honestly really admire extroverts.

…Whatever you’re thinking about right now, don’t do it. Just don’t.

--What’s the password?

--Narcan.

--Narcan?

--Yeah, are you deaf?

--That sounds a little unsettling.

 

…I’ve gotten used to it finally, how things mess with my head.

 

…I figure I’ll figure it out once I get there, if I get there.

 

…If you could give me some more time to explain it to you, it might all make sense. But I know you’re busy a lot of the time.

 

…One problem I have, among many, is I have too many pages. It’s like I’m a hoarder of prose and poetry and bullshit, all of those words backing up while still sitting there.

 

…I can’t imagine anything mattering more.

 

…What was I thinking there?

 

…Perfect is a word, like Jesus, for those who believe in it. 

 

…Everything I say sounds redundant.

 

…Maybe I just really want to talk to someone.

 

…“And just like that, one two three, Kirby gets out of a jam!”

 

…You should always avoid a disaster if you possibly can.

 

…Oh, yeah, that oven’s hot. It just beeped at me. It might even have had eyebrows.

 

…That’s why you should never look down.

 

…Who in the hell “loves” going to the doctor? Oh yeah, your best friend in the entire world.

 

…I’m just trying to keep the ball away from you. Isn’t that what they try to do in soccer, or football, or basketball, or any sport?

 

…I really do love Rocky, despite that sometimes he resembles an extra from The Omen.

 

…I get why the idea of crouching on your knees, and praying, guts-out, tears and such—seems stupid, or even cultish, to someone looking in from the outside—but what if they’re right and you’re wrong? What if there really is a God who loves you, after all? 

 

…“When you have no music, everything becomes a form of music.” Terrance Hayes, Lightheaded

 

…I can sometimes tend to get too sentimental with my friends. Just ask Steve K. 

 

…Alert: Theft reported less than 3.3 miles from your home

 

…Alert: Shooting reported less than 3.5 miles from your home

 

…The news just wants to tell you the world’s falling apart, which it is, but do they have to repeatedly rub it in our face, night after night?

 

…“Remaking is rarely the end of the journey—it often becomes the beginning of something new.” Jonathan Cardew

 

…I think if I was a dick, like in general, as a person, I’d really want someone to tell me I was. Like, I’d want to know.

 

…Unless you’re looking to get back surgery, you really can’t fall asleep in office chairs.

 

…Just so you know, your posture is perfect, and your will power is impeccable.

 

…“We don’t have Happy Hour around here because every hour is happy here.” 

 

…It’s almost impossible to read about these clowns, in this administration, and not throw up in your lap.

-You have a White Supremist leading “The Department of War” requiring testosterone tests for military personnel. (Really? WTF?)

-You have Kash Patel, head of the fucking FBI, asking for the names and phone numbers of NYT reporters who’ve published a story that’s derogatory to the current administration.

-You have Lee Zeldin, head of the EPA, a climate change/global warming denier, virtually begging states to pump oil and abandon electric cars, all while the world burns.

-You have Dr. Oz (seriously?) and an idiot somehow named Kennedy, saying almost all vaccines are bad. Even the one for Measles. 

-You have…

Just pick any fucking idiot. I’m serious.

 

…WTFF?

 

…Oh yeah, and 3.5 million Epstein files have been released, and we have a so-called “Department of Justice,” yet nothing’s been done about any of it. We’re talking about 1,300 children. Children.

 

…Oh yeah, that’s right, and also, Satan has been mentioned 38,000 times (NYT) in those files.

 

…Fuck that fucking guy.

…I might need to take a step back and calm down.

…I don’t really give a fuck. Except I do.

  

…Anyway, how about those Mariners? 

…I get it. It’s really just about what you see or feel in the moment.

 

…What’s your worst fear? 

I have eight of them, and bridges are farther down the list.

…I’m not bitching, I’m not, but what I don’t have any more, is a Karen to call when it feels like the right time to talk to your sister. 

…“Often the most exciting writing begins when we allow something broken, overlooked, or borrowed to become something entirely new.” Jonathan Cardew

…I wish I didn’t like additives so much.

…You can forget a lot of things, but you can’t forget those that changed the trajectory of your life.

…Well, we knew we had the good things, but those never seem to last. Oh, please just last.

 

--The cake is the whole thing.

--I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.

--Exactly.

 

…“Perhaps you’re experiencing stages of grief right now, and that’s clouding things.” 

 

...“The lower the self-esteem, the harder the slap.” It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 

…My watch is a good mother who’s always looking out for me, even when I think she’s being a Bitch. It’s good to have one of those, if you’re that lucky.

 

…If every airport was Paine Field, no one would board. They’d just sit there, thinking they were at a ski lodge.

 

…I was hoping you’d see something I saw.

 

…The only thing I really know, through all this is--we have to be kind. Please be kind.

 

…This is a developing story, however.

 

…It’s not as simple as it seems. Not ever. Not even love.

 

…If something is off, even the coffee tastes wrong.

 

…What did you do to me? Did you staple something to my head?

 

…We can do whatever we want. Nothing else matters.

 

…“Even though you have broken my heart, I’d just like to say that in another lifetime, I would have loved to just do laundry and taxes with you.” Everything Everywhere All At Once

…If you just look around, there’s always someone who needs love.

…“When you want stuff to disappear, all you have to do is point.”

...When you find yourself nonplussed, just remember, stranger things than this have happened.

…I’ve got a lot more to say, but then, doesn’t everyone?

…Oh, good. You’re still here.

…Me, I’m heading downstairs where the ghosts are gathered.