—NEXT THING YOU KNOW

Randall Brown

 

“I always have the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight. It's always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.”

 

"I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass."

 

"Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn."

 

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

 

"I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time."

 

"As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting, but apparently people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

 

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

 

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

 

I went shopping for cherries and mics the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

 

"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer."

 

If a math teacher has 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what does she have?

A drinking problem.

 

A police officer starting crying todays as he was writing me a speeding ticket. When I asked, “Why are you crying?” he said, “It was a moving violation.”

 

It really takes guts to be an organ donor.

 

There’s only one thing I can’t deal with—a deck of cards glued together.

 

(harp meeting) “What’s up, fellow harps?”

“You’re not a real harp.”

“I am so!”

“Nah, you’re too small to be a harp.”

“Are you calling me a lyre?”

 

“What did one body spray say to another? “I can’t understand you, your axe scent is too strong.

 

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.

 

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

 

"Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job."

 

To be frank, I'd have to change my name.