—IT’S NOBODY’S FAULT, BUT DAMN YOU CAN MAKE A GUY CRY

 

 

We Used to Vacation

 

My brother 

back from the war 

wants to show me 

how easy it is 

to kill a man 

or animals 

who deserve worse 

and in the video 

the village on fire 

crackles and smolders 

so smoky black 

that I swallow 

a glob of char 

all 160 pounds 

of me shivering 

even though it’s 

102 poolside 

and the children 

on screen scream 

and never stop 

screaming  

 

—SLIP FAST, GET CARRIED AWAY

 

 

Nothing

 

In bed, the boy is swarmed by Nothing, Nothing being the thing there’s always too much of, an unfortunate abundance, Nothing palpitating through the walls and pillow case, Nothing shredding the sleep-starter filaments of the boy’s dreams before they can begin to bloom, Nothing omnipresent like a vindictive ghost or a god bully, Nothing watching him soap in the shower, Nothing knocking on his bedroom door after midnight, Nothing following him into the park, Nothing kneeling in the next pew, Nothing peeping through the wormhole fence, Nothing at graduation or prom or his honeymoon where his bride asks why he always answers, Nothing.

 —THERE’S JUST ENOUGH OF YOU IN ME

 

…“One adult telling you that you’ll write a book one day is enough to change your life forever.” Daniela Scrima

 

…Aren’t we all self-absorbed to a degree?

 

…Sometimes there is no cause and effect, just effect.

 

…It’s like Santa Claus—it’s only real if you believe in it.

 

…Paying a person $750 million dollars to play baseball seems very wrong on a lot of different levels.

 

…“If this was all I ever got, it would be the best thing that had ever happened to me, and if this was all I ever got, I’d never stop wanting more of it.” Sally Milz

 

…If you can look the other way, well, I’m quite jealous.

 

…I don’t mind Christians. It’s the perfect ones that bug the fuck out of me.

 

…I really need to get around to seeing The Big Lebowski at some point.

 

…Confident people are super intriguing.

 

…People’s tattoos are also intriguing, for all sorts of reasons.

 

…It’s easy to envy people who never take anything personally.

 

…I’d like to stop overthinking things, beginning with friendships.

 

…An ad I recently saw: BASIC TEES REDEFINED FOR THE CONFIDENT MAN

What the hell does that mean? It’s a t-shirt.

 

…When it comes to aging, while looking at it from a macro viewpoint, it seems to me there are really just two options—bitch about it, or be grateful. 

 

…Who am I to talk?

 

…“The Population Bomb” came out in 1968 warning that the world would soon become so overpopulated there wouldn’t be enough food to feed everyone and that the bulk of the world would suffer severe starvation. Now the world is facing a dramatic population decline predicted to extend for several decades and beyond, maybe forever.

There are a lot of take-aways. I let you have your own.

 

…There’s something special about a stranger smiling at you as they pass by.

 

…How much do you think you’ve changed intellectually and emotionally in the last ten years? In a lot of respects, I’m not even the same person.

  

… “Well, I figured, a plumber is a plumber. You don’t have to be a great plumber to call yourself a plumber, if you are a plumber each day. But what the word poet meant to me when I was a kid, those faces in the little portholes of the Oscar Williams anthology that I carried around with me—those creatures, those beings, were so special, they are so special, they are kind of like angels in some way, whose power of speech extended over time, who were helping us long after they had gone, and delighting us. So I didn’t feel comfortable using that word for myself. But then I figured, that’s what I do, that’s what I do, so that’s what I’m going to call myself.”     

    --Sharon Olds 

 

…I know it sounds stupid, but I never realized how important joy was until the last few months.

 

…You know you’re desperate when you see someone reading, “Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope,” and you write the author’s name down. 

 

…Spotify is pretty amazing—all that music, right there, anytime.

 

…Do you ever get the feeling that there’s something going on that we don’t know about?

 

…Do you wanna fight? Is that what you want? Come on. Come on, you son of a bitch. I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.

 

…I was recently told my writing contains “an air of quiet despair.” I guess that’s about right.

 

…We’re such a privileged country that you think the bad things that happen, and have happened elsewhere, can’t happen here. Until they do.

 

 …“I want everybody to see me as I am. Your voice cracks? OK, darlin’, you go right on and keep giving it what you’ve got left, and the audience ignores it and goes right along with you. I’ve found out the way to get myself through to people is just to unzip myself and let everything hang out.” Roberta Flack

 

…My longest Linkin Park to date: it took me nearly a month to pull Sara Bareilles.

 

…Even though it’s only a word game, it’s still a little freaky to play with someone whose screen name is DEATH.

 

…It’s funny how you can have a really bad pain that stays top of mind for a week, but when it goes away, you never think about it again, or even that it was ever there to begin with.

 

…Instead of talking to myself, I’ve started texting myself.

 

…Some people hear things, but I feel them—like that little scrittch-scrittch heartburn in my chest, even when I haven’t eaten anything.

 

…On the phone with a friend we were talking about celebrities who had recently died when my friend said, “While we’re on the topic, how’s your health these days?”

 

…“Try a little tenderness” is a pretty powerful lyric if you really think about it.

 

…Losing stuff sucks until you realize it’s just stuff.

 

…“I don’t want to know,” isn’t always a bad answer. 

 

…The world seems so bizarre anymore. This is a headline that came through on my phone yesterday--“Hamas has handed over the remains of four hostages, the last exchange in the first phase of the cease fire agreement.”

Remains? Hostages? First phase?

 

…I never thought of not eating as fasting. It sounds a lot healthier when you say it that way.

 

…“I think I’m better at using rage and disappointment to fuel my creativity. Happiness makes me uneasy.” Sally Milz

 

…Isn’t the goal to live with our demons, not expect them to go away?

 

…“The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready. The show goes on because it’s 11:30.” Lorne Michaels

 

…From FBK:

I love fish sticks *and* caviar. I love Toni Morrison *and Danielle Steel. I love Fast & Furious *and* Moonlight. I love Mr. Bean *and* your daddy, although he’s nowhere near intelligent as Mr. Bean.

 

…If you start to investigate what’s put into the food we eat, it’s pretty alarming.

 

…“Today is a good day to be alive” is a good reminder.

 

…It’s probably not a great sign if you give someone your book with an inscription and never hear a peep back.

 

…“Trauma sends you letters, without warning, for the rest of your life, usually disguised as something else.” Brenna Twohy

 

…“An editor, in rejecting a piece, said my writing showed "promise." Dude, I don't have that kind of time.” Howie Good

 

…Some days I give away and never get back.

 

…I’ve always found myself drawn to things that bleed some kind of emotion. 

 

…Entering a writing contest is either foolish or ballsy, or both, yet I keep doing it lately.

 

…“Just to be clear, I do lead a life of quiet desperation. I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who doesn’t, or anyone who isn’t filled with ambivalence, because I assume they’d be incredibly shallow.” Curtis Sittenfeld

 

…This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard a parent say:

‘We remain paralyzed in thought and sorrow.’

 

…Expecting less is always the best option.

 

…Hey, it’s the weekend. I hope yours is all you want it to be.

 

…Nothin’s a lock, Boog. Nothin’s a lock.

—DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS

 

 

Ruby

 

At recess, they find a doll beyond the monkey bars—its plastic skin and eyes so alien and offensive that they take turns dismembering it, tittering and squealing as they do. One boy wants to build a fire but doesn’t know how. Another cocks his thumb and forefinger, shooting at the head and dislodged eyes with the same intense sincerity he’s seen his father fake-shoot certain men on TV. Another says, We can bury it alive, which they all agree is the best idea, as they hurry to snap the pieces back in place before digging a trough and jumping on the mound. Walking back to class, the only one who notices the soil spread with blood is the lone child whose favorite color is ruby. 

 

—DON’T KNOW WHY I STILL CAN’T GET IT RIGHT

 

 

More

 

It made sense to aspire 

to get promoted 

to buy and sell and buy more and 

have two and get promoted 

and collect more than we needed

watch it multiply like 

a virus of good fortune 

watch our kids grow like 

proper rain clouds dressed for ceremony

but when the fires struck

each spigot chuckled

yodeling down one canyon

and into the next

like a hyena or callous thief 

that got off scot-free

—YOU ARE MY BEST GUESS AT THE FUTURE

  

…Doesn’t it feel great to laugh, like really laugh hard from your gut?

 

…“Do I wear hats?”

 

…Whatever happened to Richard Branson? He always struck me as one of the good guy billionaires.

 

…No one should ever have a coffee enema.

 

…A good dog can make up for a lot. I hope you have a good dog.

 

…Here’s a headline you don’t see every day: 

            A seal is found wandering streets of New Haven, becomes local celebrity

(I read the article (Washington Post) and the locals took good care of him.)

 

…It’s weird how you can experience something, then remember it mostly wrong.

 

…You have to be a certain type of person to be able to pull off slang. (And I don’t mean that in a good or bad way.)

 

…I found that puppy ad online and have it saved for when times get rough. Yep.

 

…Lemon trees—there’s another happy thought.

 

…In the words of Bob Zimmerman, “It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting’ there.”

 

…Don’t you just miss drive-in movies? Penny bubble gum was pretty great, too.

 

…It’s hard not to wonder what God’s thinking.

 

…I’ve been dragging my feet forever on entering a chapbook contest (judged by Roxane Gay) when on Wednesday I finally pulled the stick out and got it submitted. Seconds after hitting send, I started second-guessing myself like crazy: It said 25-40 pages and mine was 41 pages with the cover sheet, so will they disqualify me for the blank first page? Why couldn’t I have just eliminated a piece or two? Why did I include that story and not this one? Should I have included a Table of Contents in the cover letter? Should I have sucked up more in the cover letter? Why didn’t I elaborate on my accomplishments in my bio instead of only writing fifteen words?

Do you ever do that, second-guess yourself instead of celebrating the fact that you actually did something kind of major?

It felt like I needed a drink afterward.

 

…You put it out there, you have to expect some blowback.

 

…I wonder why Sinead never got credit for being right (because she was) after all she endured.

 

…It’s hard to hold onto a good mood for long. Any tips?

 

…Being superstitious doesn’t help matters.

 

…It’s good to be around young kids. Even if they throw the occasional tantrum, they make up for it in other ways.

 

…If this blog was a car, I wonder how many miles it’d have on it?

 

…Even if you didn’t like him, do you think this many people were depressed, anxious and demoralized when Biden was President?

 

…“I do not mean to be sentimental about suffering…. but people who cannot suffer can never grow up, can never discover who they are.”  James Baldwin

 

…Flash is a little like AI. One minute you’ve never heard of it, the next everyone has.

 

…I always tell myself I’m supporting the art I love when I buy books, but really it might just be another addiction.

 

…I’m not sure if those positive platitudes really work. Like posting this: 

ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE. KNOW THAT IT IS YOU WHO WILL GET YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO GO. NO ONE ELSE.

Maybe I’m just cynical, but it doesn’t make me want to do a damn thing.

 

…Apparently I look like Townes Van Zandt. I don’t see it, but maybe I’m not supposed to.

Who do people say you look like?

 

…Poor Volodymyr Zelenskyy. No matter what happens, he will always be a hero to me.

 

…I wouldn’t mind bellbottoms making a comeback. Sign me up for anything 70s.

 

…Lou Reed would have been a fun guy to know. 

 

…I think Banksy has the right idea.

 

…From FBK, 2/14/25:

Just wrote a little Valentine's Day text (that I believed was quite romantic) and then accidentally sent it to my mechanic instead of my wife. How's your day going so far?

 

…From BK:

That asteroid that’s supposed to hit earth might actually be a relief.

 

….Bumper sticker I recently saw:

I’M SO GAY I CAN’T EVEN DRIVE STRAIGHT

 

…I’ve got it!—Let’s impeach the judges who won’t let us do what we want. After that, we’ll make sure to call them something degrading.

 

… "There always comes a time in history when anyone who dares to say that two and two make four is punished by death. The teacher knows it well." Albert Camus

 

…It’s pretty hard to pull off a moustache, but if you can, good for you.

 

…FBK:

--“I wish I could block arugula.”

   --“Just lettuce be.”

--“Kale no!”

 

…I guess FAFO parenting is a thing now.

 

…SM:

I could go for some inner peace. Wonder if I have any left in the fridge.

 

…If I’m being honest, I’m probably the least optimistic person I know.

 

…It’s hard to say which is more bothersome—close-talkers or loud-talkers.

 

…Somehow Jimmy Fallon manages to be the happiest person in America day after day.

 

…I always thought tattoos would be a temporary fad, but that was just another thing I was wrong about.

 

…But is it an insult if you call someone a liar when they’re actually lying?

 

 

…IN THE MEANTIME

 

Meanwhile, flowers still bloom.

The moon rises, and the sun.

Babies smile and somewhere,

Against all the odds,

Two people are falling in love.

Strangers share cigarettes and jokes.

Light plays on the surface of water.

Grace occurs on unlikely streets

And we hold each other fast 

Against entropy, the fires and the flood.

Life leans towards living

And, while death claims all things at the end,

There were such precious times between,

In which everything was radiant

And we loved, again, this world.

    --Tom Hirons

 

 

…I remember when I first started writing short, there was a premier publication called 6S which only took pieces that were exactly six sentences long. At the time, it seemed like an impossible task. Now, writing a story that’s more than two or three sentences sometimes feels insurmountable to me.

 

…Do you ever think about that COVID period we lived through? I probably do too much.

 

…I wonder why people self-sabotage themselves. And by people, I mean me. 

 —WHAT ARE THE ANGELS GONNA DO WITH YOU AND I?

 

 

Stained

 

She wanted me to see what I couldn’t, smears of dirt etched in the whorls of her hand, clouds of bacteria hanging over the air like a fleet of UFOs, grime on washed clothing, her new blouse soiled though it wasn’t and hadn’t yet been worn, our home a den of filth that repeated soap-scrubbing did little to eliminate, and later, as we  each sat at one end of the bath, I asked what I should have long ago: Honey, how come you never talk about your father?