—THERE’S A LOT I DON’T REMEMBER

 

 

Nail Gun

 

She hangs me in the closet next to Uncle Hal’s ventriloquist partner. It’s nothing but world-less dark inside. A heartbeat throbs through the walls and my toes itch. Every time the dummy’s lips move, I’m the one who speaks, like a nail gun on repeat, or God with no thoughts of his own.

 

 

 

Some Families

 

My sister becomes a shark chasing baby seals around the house. Dad’s in the workroom taxidermizing neighbor kids who got too close. Mom stays busy crocheting porn stars while our hairless dog makes rabid love to the invisible fence—claws, whiskers and teeth popping free like confetti. When our grandparents show up for dinner, we take turns praying but let them ask for forgiveness.

—HELLO, IT’S ME

 

 

…I don’t expect you to be here.

 

…“No one wants to be lonely. No one wants to sing the blues.”

 

…You might not know it, but you’re my star.

 

…Memories are nice, but the thing with memories is they fade.

 

…I guess we’ll never know now.

 

…A lot of times when I’m alone I’ll get introspective and think I’ll do things differently, or I’ll act differently with this or that person, but then when I see them it’s just more of the same.

 

…When people say, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life,” I wonder if it isn’t just well-meaning hyperbole. 

 

…I’m still dreaming in abbreviated emails.

 

…Who’m I talking to now?

 

…Listen to your gut. The days you don’t, you’re screwed.

 

…Closing time, one last call for alcohol... 

 

…Not sure what I expect to find, but I’ll keep looking nonetheless.

 

…I’m trying really hard not to be glib.

 

…Pretty sure living with me is sometimes hard.

 

…“If you come back, I’ll be waiting every time.”

 

…There was an incredibly bombed woman at the bar yesterday. Swaying, she glanced across the way, pointed, and said to me, “I see you and I don’t see you.” Apparently, this is a normal, everyday occurrence for her.

I kept wondering how she was going to get home, how she got home all those other times.

I’ve found myself thinking about her a lot, though I didn’t say a single word to her.

 

…“It’s lovely not to have to dance for anyone but yourself.” Tameca Coleman

 

…Don’t we all just want to matter?

 

…A call from an old friend out of the blue has to be one of the best things ever.

 

…I wonder if my body likes me more now. So far, I can’t tell.

...All I want to do is sit here, write it all down, and rest for a while.

 

…How about this movie?

 

…Admittedly, I can be a tough critic when it comes to film, television and books. But I don’t get it when a novelist wins every prize there is and writes, “Oh God” seven times in three pages, not to mention dozens of other times throughout the whole novel.

...I'm not afraid to need you bad.

 

…“Let’s talk about me, for a minute…”

 

…It’s funny the things we remember even when we’re not remembering well anymore.

 

…When things go south, as they are sometimes wont to do, you can either become bitter or bigger.

 

…It’s interesting how different people endure things.

 

…Luck has a funny way of showing up.

 

…It’s hard not to judge people. Maybe impossible. Just go to a swimming pool sometime, then you tell me.

 

…The guy who returns his towels is somebody I’d probably like to get to know.

 

…Evidentially there are a fair amount of bad mothers out there.

 

…I could really use some puck right now, as well as all that that implies.

 

…Who knew there were so many songs about drinking?

 

…Four and a half months. Oh boy.

 

…Is it bad to want to be the favorite?

 

…Like a lot of words, “dry” has several meanings.

 

…Catholic high school girls, in trouble…

 

...I'm doing a reading next week. It's been a long while. Lord, help me.

…What do you do when your dream comes true?

 

…“But gossip must see its characters in black and white, equip them with sins and motives easily conveyed in the shorthand of conversation.” John le Carre

 

…It’s usually the devil you know that gets you.

 

…All those regrets—you gotta let ‘em go or else they’re bound to crush you.

 

…“Now the night does funny things to a man.”

 

…Hall and Oates—now there’s a sad ending.

 

…When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time underwater holding my breath as long as I could. I may or may not have been a suicidal child.

 

…“He just made that story up. There ain’t no girl like that.”

 

…When exactly did my face start to resemble a checkerboard?

 

…Sometimes I can’t help seeing all the way through.

 

…I wanna be what you’re drinking.

 

…Some mornings all you need is a little Todd Rungren to get started on the right foot.

 

…Wouldn’t it be nice if you could cut-and-paste life?

 

…“Sometimes love is letting go.”

 

…Time to see what I’m made of, or not made of.

 —I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW

 

We Meet During a Plane Crash

 

Nose-diving toward earth, suitcases and sundries bouncing off our noggins like fists and elbows. She screams as if she’s my type, an extrovert on amphetamines. “WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?” A toddler flies by wide-eyed and jowly. A granny, too, folded up like a pizza box. A priest clings to one of the overhead bins. When the flight attendant says, “We should be landing shortly,” you’re the first one to jump.

Uncle 

 

I French kiss the siren that’s been stitched over your tonsil bell. It bobs like a buoy with nowhere to go. Lines the cave of your mouth, shooting swirls of electric flush across your molars. Next, the ventriloquist on your lap crushes my groin with his wooden grip, his jaw clattering like castanets. When I finally say, “Uncle,” you ask, “Uncle what?” while the piñata rains down more gum than either of us has ever seen, or will ever chew.

 

 

—LOVED YOU THEN AND I LOVE YOU NOW

 

Flowing to Storm

 

You’re not here 

but the birds are 

and the cat is 

and if you look close enough 

you can spot the beaver 

swimming from Flowing to Storm 

and also there are four deer 

picking apart the plants 

a squirrel scuttling up a pole

bees huddling over the blueberry buds

and not only that but 

there’s a man in his house 

over there

who misses you

like no one’s ever

missed a person before

and he and I are having 

a competition to see 

who feels it worse

that cut-through-the-gut worse

Winner gets a cheeseburger 

small fries and a shake

Loser has to

keep on crying 

for all time

—IF I LOVED YOU LESS I’D BE A LIAR

  

white pianos

 

puncture me with

a straight pin 

sharp as an 

aggravated whisker 

or vendetta 

i’m here 

bloated and full of 

nothing but hot air

like any other vapid 

macy’s day balloon

and aren’t all the best things 

dead already?

someone told me that, 

but it might have been 

my mother 

and she was an 

exceptional liar 

especially when I needed her most

which was never

and every day

—MY JUNK IS YOU

 

 

…I can’t tell you what to expect, only what is possible.

 

...When it comes to ghosts, you can either pretend they don’t exist, or you can listen.

 

…Don’t ask me to, because I won’t.

 

…Don’t peg me, Bro!

 

…It’s only pain if it hurts.

 

…I think everybody’s doing the best they can.

 

…Even my good news is bad news these days.

 

…“Every day with an opioid drip is a gift.” The Librarianist

 

…Who knows what I did wrong now?

 

…There’s something both serene and majestic about being up early, before anyone else, when the sun’s coming up and the lake is as shiny and flat as a piece of cobalt china.

 

…People can surprise and disappoint you, but what’re you going to do?

 

… “I have lots of things to teach you now, in case we ever meet, concerning the message that was transmitted to me under a pine tree in North Carolina on a cold winter moonlit night. It said that Nothing Ever Happened, so don't worry. It’s all like a dream.” Jack Kerouac

 

…Sometimes I read a text and think, What a psycho.

Then I press Send.

 

…If you can walk away that easily, good for you.

 

…To the bone.

 

 

 “You are left with the only things that any of us have in the end. The things we keep inside ourselves, that grow out of us, that tell us who we are.” 

 

“It made me smile to finally understand this, that we have only the things we are given, and we must be thankful for them, the tiny, almost imperceptible feeling on our fingertips.”

 

“Something will happen sometime. You just have to wait for it.”

 

—Kevin Wilson, “Tunneling to the Center of the Earth.”

 

 

“It was the kind of climax that needed another one right after to scoop up the leftovers and then another lick to clean the plate.”

 

“That was always my underlying fear: that someone I love would look at me like I was a stranger.”

 

“You should always be emerging from a shell, if possible.”

 

“You can’t have everything you want but you can want everything you want.”

 

“One should always be asking themselves, What if I lost this? How much would it matter? And then secure it, at least screenshot it.”  

 

—Miranda July, “All Fours”

 

—BUT IT AIN’T MY FAULT

 

Barley and Hops

 

Maybe we should 

have sex tonight

or fake it 

with fries Cab Franc

and a clown balloon on hand

just so I can feel

something anything

because this axis

isn’t budging 

and every wasp 

has stung my ear 

twice or thrice already

as if I’m a glum 

LA actor with a madcap

hair-transplant 

and too much Botox

But really what I am

is stuck out here 

all alone in the cornfield  

a flimsy scarecrow

years-old straw and all

chewing cud 

mashing barley and hops 

for days on end

If you leave a penny 

or two 

at the end of 

my bloody boots 

I promise to write

you an honest poem

tomorrow—just tell me 

who dies 

when where and how

and I’ll join along soon enough

I promise

I swear