—YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO

 

Photo Album

  

Even dead, he looked like me, our trombone nose and camouflaged sailor’s smirk nearly identical. On a table by the casket, someone had set up a folding table topped with flowers, a sign-in book and photo album, so I thumbed through it until I came across one where a toddler balanced on his lap, some dopey kid lost in blurred delight, a rattle toy held up like a stop sign or warning, and when no one was looking, I stepped back over, took a last look at my father, and flipped him off before closing the lid. 

—I’VE NEVER BEEN WORSE, BUT I’VE NEVER BEEN BETTER

 

 

…“It’s a gift—to be seen and heard.” Amy Marques

 

…I’m always late to the party, but I will say now that Spotify is one of the best things EVER. It’s a little like being over 60 when someone says, “Hey, have you ever heard of this thing called ice cream? No? Well, you should try it, I think you’ll like it.” Or, “Have you heard of this thing called sex?” Yeah, Spotify is like sex, or ice cream, or sex with ice cream.

 

…I hate suspicious people, but sometimes you have to hand it to them.

 

…I ran into Paula at the end of the road. She always looks so happy to see me and she walked with me for a bit, but when we came to that hill she looked at me like, “Are you fucking kidding?”

 

…The other day I was driving down a different road and smack dab in the middle (I've never said or wrote that expression before in my life) was a rabbit chomping on a nut or something. And it didn’t move. I scooted up two feet from it, and it still didn’t move. Honked the horn. Honked again. Finally, it flopped away. I hope that little guy is being more careful.

 

…“Loneliness is solitude with a problem.” Maggie Nelson

 

…No one wants to look for things that aren’t there, but sometimes that’s the better decision.

 

…Do you like him, or like the actor?

 

…Some people are never going to change, I know that, so why do I beat myself up when they don’t?

 

…Yesterday, out of the blue, I called someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, but they didn’t pick up. I knew they wouldn’t, but hopefully it meant something that I was thinking of them. 

 

...“I think sometimes the stars align whether we want them to or not. And we’re drawn to certain people and places for no other reason than destiny.” Morgan Parker.

 

…I never understood the difference between a wave goodbye and a wink goodbye until now, though all my life I’ve never trusted a person who winks, no matter their gender.

 

…What I also have to remind myself is that not everything is a test, or an explanation about something I hope to feel. 

 

…It feels a lot better to say, “Fuck off” when you’re not joking.

 

…I kind of loved the story this week about the 8-year-old who ordered 70,000 Dum-Dum suckers on his parents’ Amazon account. And they delivered them!  But really, like you can just order 70,000 suckers and no one on the other end thinks, Wait a minute?

 

…I try to be a good friend (even a virtual one, from a distance) and a good literary citizen, but someone’s going to need to step in and institutionalize me if I buy any more indie books.

 

…What a great gig, to be the “source” that magazines always quote yet never identify. I mean, you could just make shit up all day and who would know any different?

 

…I hear a doorbell ring and it’s totally Pavlovian—I jerk and look and think there’s someone there, even if the chime only just came from the tv.

 

…Am I dying here and no one’s telling me?

 

…What if you’re looking for something that’s just not there, then what?

 

…“It was a glorious day. I walked in my garden and smelled the roses and thought how clever I was.” Angelica Houston on the first thing she did after a four-year bout with cancer.  

 

…Whenever I’m not sure what to do, I grab a book, hoping for an answer.

 

…It’s hard not to—every once in a while—not consider yourself an idiot for liking sports.

 

…Shift. Shift. Ok. Ok.

 

…Even the angels need their sleep, right?

 

…“Paying attention to things—this is how we show love.” --Frank, “The Last of Us”

 

… SHOOTING REPORTED LESS THAN 5.5 MILES FROM YOUR HOME

 

…I saw a t-shirt that said, Your Anxiety is Lying to You, and it made me wonder—Is it? Is it really, though?

 

…There are the things you say and then there are the things you mean.

 

…If I actually have to explain why this is such a problem for me and so many others, well, we probably shouldn’t be talking.

 

…If you can nod off in the dentist’s chair you must not have any serious trust issues.

 

…Maybe all news stations do this, but FOX seems especially giddy to share BREAKING NEWS when it’s detrimental to the other side.

 

…I got a friend request from someone whose profile said they were a “Book Specialist.” Really? Like what’s that? And, can I be one, too?

 

…I wonder if I’m strong enough to surrender.

 

…I’m a good friend, but if you want a perfect one, you should probably keep looking.

 

…Holy crap, Pete and Paula both just flew by. That’s only happened five times in the last 17 years, and one of those was last week.

 

…It’s hard to win when you don’t have any vowels.

 

…YOU APPEARED IN 48 SEARCHES THIS WEEK

 

…“He is careful of what he reads, for that is what he will write. He is careful of what he learns, for that is what he will know.” Annie Dillard

 

…We live in a time of monsters.

 

…AN ASSAULT REPORTED LESS THAN 3.6 MILES FROM YOUR HOME         

 

…If it seems like things are getting closer, it’s because they are.

 

…It’s really tough being a hypocrite. Just ask me and I’ll tell you all about it.

 

…In every picture, you’ll see me trying to hang onto whoever will have me.

 

…If this is all bullshit, I guess I love bullshit.

 

…If you did all the stuff they say you’re supposed to—diet, exercise, psychology—life would kind of suck.

 

…Some of my friends are changing, but how about me?

 

…You don’t have to tell me anything, my eyes are good enough.

 

— Joel: “Airplanes weren’t all they were cracked up to be.” 

— Ellie: “Dude! You were in fucking space!”  

              --“The Last of Us”

 

…It doesn’t take a lot to break me down, until I’m either sugar or salt.

 

…I wonder if other people play certain songs on a loop as long as I do.

 

…It seems like there used to be a lot more people to look up to when I was younger but maybe I just think that because I’m not anymore.

 

…I like true crime but I always feel a little guilty that I do, having that voyeuristic hedonism. So, a while back I signed up for People magazine’s true crime newsletter, which is probably going too far, even for me. For example, here’s the most recent headline: “After She Stabbed and Skinned Her Husband, Police Found a Gruesome Stew on the Stove—and Plates Set for Kids.” Mind you now, I didn’t write that.

 

…Isn’t it funny how you can go your whole long life and not know something everyone else in the world does? For example: Adam’s apple. I've never thought of where that term/expression came from until I read a story my friend just sent me.

 

…He declares himself “king.” He declares himself “pope.” He says he “runs America and the world.” His words, not mine. Look it up. If that’s not the antichrist talking, I don’t know what is.

 

…No one wants to hear, “I told you so.” Especially yourself.

 

…I wish I was better at directing my thoughts. Most of the time it seems like they run things.

 

…I wonder if people still call their dad “My old man.” I hope not.

 

…I pulled out my last book because someone had commented on one of the pieces, and then I started reading it and boy is it dark. I mean, really, really dark. I’m not sure I’d want to meet the guy that wrote that book.

 

…I’m not sure what kind of country I live in anymore when this is a real headline: Woman Seen Using Racist Slur Toward Child Raises Over $600K in Donations

 

…“If the tables won’t turn, flip them the fuck over,” she said.

 

…That kid’s just being dramatic.

 

…“The medium of poetry isn’t language, really, it’s loneliness, a loneliness that poets manifest to their readers.” Dan Chiasson

 

…Despite everything, it was a good week to be alive.

 

…Okay, let’s go save some lives. 

 

—WHO LEFT ALL THOSE JOKERS IN THE DECK?

 

 

What a Single Second Costs These Days

  

The seatbelt’s broken, so we’re driving on two wheels, Kitty-Wampus, when we shouldn’t. 

Shouldn’t even be living like this. 

How those markers flew through the window again is anyone’s guess. 

But it’s a long road, after all, though they’re gonna tell you it’s not—especially the I-90 scar that stitches from Bozeman, now to nowhere, past a child’s headstone.

See? That suture never heals right, a crooked Z on the iris, only ever-scabbed over, encrusted and heavy. 

Just another thing we never needed, like Lilah in the bath when one of

 us took our eye off the wheel for a single second. 

 

—COME ON, BABY, THIS LAUGH’S ON ME

  

The Dam

 

My friend says they know 

that song, that poem, that author, 

how the world will end and when. 

They know absolutely everything.

Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, 

it’s hard to believe in God 

when you’re not dying-- 

so much mystery after all,

with those nagging questions 

like the perversity of free will 

and falling fruit. 

My friend says they died too 

same way my mother did, 

now also tinder and dust coating a casket, 

says they were there when 

the wall fell, when Joan burned at the stake,

when Jesus rode a gurney of light 

through the C-section of belief. 

Who am I to doubt 

when I’ve yet to learn or experience 

what they so easily pluck 

from their lap and lips 

as if answers are cheap and everywhere?

But I do know that on a 

lake somewhere near here, 

a beaver swims toward the dam that

some fool dissembled thinking they knew 

a better way to keep rough water at bay, 

how to hold trust intact, 

even when it’s been gone for years.

 

—HI, LUCY. I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU, LUCY.

  

…I think I’m just a little scared sometimes. Is that okay to say?

 

…I’ll let you in on a secret: I never talk to anyone as much as I do you.

 

…Don’t you worry, everybody’s crazy. You’re doing amazing. Everything is terrible…  

 

…“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” Shakespeare, “The Tempest”

 

…It was stunning here yesterday. At one point, I watched this guy plow across the lake on a paddle board that was barely wider than my chest and all I could think was, If that was me, I wouldn’t have made it a foot before nose-diving in the water. I wouldn't have even been able to stand up in the first place.

 

… “I'm mad, they say. I am temperamental and dizzy and disagreeable. Well, let them talk. I can take it. Only one person can hurt me. Her name is Ida Lupino.” Ida Lupino, director

 

…It’s not easy to let someone look at you. Especially when you’re naked and skinny as a coat rack.

 

…I wasn’t looking, but look what I’ve found.

 

…Things seem a lot better in my head. Just ask these office walls.

 

…Maybe everybody craves sympathy.

 

…This morning I waited for the sun to come up, but saw the moon instead.

 

…“Every fucking day.”

 

…I’m in love with the person I’m becoming, but I’m more insecure than ever.

 

…Petty and selfish—believe it or not, after all this time, I’m getting farther and farther away from both of those.

 

…I watched my friend’s video on creative despair the other day and had to marvel for a while.

 

…If you really think about it, without a lid, or an end date, nothing matters much, or makes any sense.

 

…It can be a little appalling how much my neediness gets in the way. I’d like to assume I’m alone in that regard, but I may not be. What say you?

 

…Saying, “Oh,” is sometimes just the best you can do in a fraught situation.

 

…The truth is, I’ve been there many times before.

 

…Yesterday I watched two eagles soar together side by side in unison over the lake, synchronized like nature’s answer to The Blue Angels. (Actually, they seemed to swoon more than soar. I’m pretty sure they were two eagles in love.)

 

…You can’t have everything, but nothing’s cheap either.

 

…That sound coming from down the hall could be anything, but it’s not.

 

…There are only so many answers a person wants to hear before it feels like a beat-down.

 

…What’s the difference between a low-hanging cloud and fog? Don’t they do the same things?

 

…You should see the questions I never let anyone see.

 

…Coffee is kind of a trick, but sometimes it works. 

 

…Black dots on white paper—that could be anything, even gold.

 

…Every time you hear yourself say, “Wow” aloud, shouldn’t you stop for a second and really think about it?

 

…You have to be in a pretty good place emotionally to watch “The Pitt,” but trust me, it’s worth it.

 

…“There are many ways to kneel 

      and kiss the ground.” 

        --Rumi

 

…Therapize is actually a word. I just looked.

 

…The pandemic’s (mostly) been over for about four years now and while I detested their anti-vax and anti-mask stances during that period, I’m ready to give Van Morrison and those other chuckleheads a pass. But I really doubt I’ll ever be able to watch anything Sylvester Stallone is in after hearing him say Satan is “the second coming of George Washington.” 

 

…Here are five words I never in my life thought I’d ever say about a Supreme Court ruling: I don’t give a fuck.

 

…“I have long defined loneliness as not having someone you know who would pick up the phone if we all found out the world was ending in ten minutes and you could only make one call.” 

Barlow Adams, 9/20/2020

 

…Sleep is one of the few things that equalizes it all and yet, somehow, manages to drag us back for another day, another shot.

 

…Later is such a big word.

 

…Not to sound like a total bitch, but who really cares who the next pope is?

 

…But maybe Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley is something to pay attention to.

 

…If you have the right idea but it doesn’t work, is it really the right idea?

 

…When someone pats the lone barstool three times and asks your friend to take it, she needs to be a really great looking hooker or it’s not happening.

 

…I’m not really sure how the guy next to me on the plane didn’t stab me in the throat because it sure seemed like that’s what he was aiming to do.

 

…I’ve got to stop thinking there’s always tomorrow because, really, there isn’t.

 

…The one thing I’m fairly certain about is you’ll never have a better friend than me. Nope.

 

…When someone tells you something you wrote is beautiful, well, everything after that could go to shit and it wouldn’t matter.

 

…A lot of times I hear Roxane’s voice saying, “As an editor, I’m really just looking for any reason to reject your submission.” And I get why she says that.

 

…“Their trust in me was undaunted. I could tell them I strangled a cat and they’d be like—That cat must have really fucked up.” 

 

…For the most part, everyone wants everyone else to agree with them—about what’s moral, what film is great, what beauty looks like. And then it’s difficult when they don’t. And that’s what I’ve had a really hard problem with, not the latter, but the former.

 

…I thought I was just talking to myself when really I was just talking to you all along.

 

…I gave away a $100 bill to this 22 (?) year old waitress who was scurrying around faster that any person should ever have to. But after I’d left, I thought, You know, I should have done more than that. When I handed it to her, I should have said, “You’re going to have an amazing life. I don’t know you at all, but I know you’re going to do great things.”

 

…I still don’t understand how MMA and UFC fighting is legal. I mean really? Dog fighting and cock fighting are bad but it’s okay to watch two people brutalize themselves and, oh yeah, let’s charge  people to watch it so we can cash in?

 

…If you love them, you have to love them to the end, flaws and all, otherwise it’s not love. I get that. But sometimes, man, it can be really tough.

 

…Why does this matter? Isn’t that always the most important question?

 

…Maybe this obsessive love I have for writing and books is just a fallacy that sounds really good when I tell it to other people. But it sure feels real to me.

 

…You may not realize it, but I do—that almost nobody on earth has the friendship we’ve got. And it’s not lost on me.

 

…A lot of times it’s like: Okay, but what was I supposed to think?

 

…That’s really impressive, to have that much willpower. Good on you.

 

…Sometimes now I wake up and I realize the state of affairs and I think, “Well, this day is fucked again,” and then I think: “At least it’s not the pandemic.” And then I think: “It’s kind of the same thing though.” And then I realize how fucked up that all is.

 

...Here’s the problem: (…..)

 

…It might not always look shiny and happy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t.

 

…The wrong bathmat in a shower can mean the difference between life and death. I’m not joking.

 

…“Are you fucking kidding me? It’s sunny and beautiful again?”

 

…Also, a lot of times it’s like: Okay, but I don’t even know these people, so why do they bother me so much, and why can’t I stand them?

 

…“Well, that’s not good.”

 

…I hope it’s real. That’s all you can do, right? Hope?

 

…This is completely petty, but sometimes I think—it’s fifteen fucking dollars, dude, and you can’t even show me you care that much/little? 

 

…I showed up with a broken name and handed it to you.

 

…The one question—a really important one—I never ask myself enough, or at the right time is: What’s the point of this?

 

…Sometimes you get in survival mode and you think—I’ll just deal with that later—even when you should deal with it now, when catastrophe can still be avoided.

 

…I’ve never paid so much attention to the circles around someone’s eyes as I have lately.

 

…I only wrote one thing yesterday, an oddity for me, but I sure made a lot of other people happy about what they wrote, which was even better, because I meant it.

 

…“Man up!” I think that’s sexist, right? Yet, sometimes, it’s the correct call.

 

…It’s probably also sexist not to know what “Bridesmaid Burnout” is, so I’ll just go ahead and admit that when I saw them talking about it ad nauseum on tv, I thought it sounded like a lot of whiny horseshit. Come on, you got asked to be a Bridesmaid. That’s an honor. Man up. Just don’t go posting any racist hate propaganda online in the future like one of my groomsmen did this week.  

 

…That was a crushing blow.

 

…I love you.

Thank you.

I forgive you.

Please forgive me.