—WE’RE LUCKY, AREN’T WE?

 

Stainless Steel

 

The man in the elevator hunches toward his reflection in the stainless steel, then cocks his neck and head like a trigger before beginning to slap his face, mere taps at first, almost playful or childlike as the intensity blooms into frantic violence, each thwack!louder and more reckless than the last, a flurry of palm blows, until the doors chime and part while I watch myself walk through them, alive and unmolested, unlike the man who took my daughter the night I said I would be there to pick her up but never did.

 

--DEAR CHICAGO, I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME

 

About a Boy

 

You can find him in the attic, rolling a sliver of split lip between his fingers like dislodged snot. 

You can find him in the basement, crouched between a toilet and sink, air vent blowing kisses like a soundless trumpet between his buttocks as he reads Gulliver’s Travels and forgets for a minute his split lip, the thunder of his parents’ slugfest the night prior, and all those before that.  

At lunchtime, you can find him back of the school library by a thin row labeled POETRY fondling a volume like an unfathomable first girlfriend, his encrusted split lip trickling a scarlet ellipsis across the page. 

You can find him at the school dance in hand-me-down socks, big toe out, him hidden in the shadows near gym bleachers flattened like an accordion where all the other wallflowers lean, though only he shivers and shakes, wearing a new split lip. 

You can find him in Vallarta, supine on a beach, newly married somehow, watching his bikinied bride lean across the toasted sand for a kiss as he says, I love you so much you have no idea. Thank you thank you for liking me back and Please bite down hard on the lower one to see if it still bleeds. 

 

—WE CAN WATCH THE SNOW FALL, FOREVER AND EVER 

 

 

…“Even this small injury; an act of love.” Happy, Celina Baljeet Basra

 

…This could be your best Christmas yet. Have you ever thought of that?

 

…It’s not always something huge, damaging or threatening like most people think. Most of the time, it’s all of those little forgivenesses along the way.

 

…As far as anecdotes go, the latest was baffling.

 

…But there are thoughts we don’t get to have.

 

…I guess it all depends upon your definition of what soon is. 

 

…So, you think just being myself will do the trick?

 

…It’s okay to show that something really matters to you. It’s okay to cry or get angry, maybe swear or punch a pillow. The alternative is kind of lonely, if not also kind of cowardly.

 

…I’m told that people who say, “Leave me alone,” usually mean the opposite. But how do you know for sure?

 

…If you know where your happiness comes from, it helps ground you when you’re not.

 

…I just assumed being kind was the general idea.

 

…You shouldn’t say it if you don’t mean it, and you sure as hell had better not put it in print.

 

…Sometimes the answer is, “I don’t know,” and if it’s an honest answer, that should be enough.

 

…Everyday there’s something shocking, and I’m not using hyperbole or being melodramatic. 

When people say there’s nothing they can do about it, well, that’s mostly true. When people say they’ve become numb and so it no longer bothers them, that seems like a cop out. 

You can still care. You can still share that you care.

You can’t just turn your head and look the other way while the world’s being lit on fire. You can’t just say, “My life really didn’t change at all last time.”

It’s about more than that.

Caring might not be a lot, but it’s still something. It’s not nothing.

 

…Okay, excitable boy, deep breath here. Quick pivot there…

 

…Sometimes it boils down to the relevance of words, and how you gauge the collective idea of them.

 

…The end isn’t the same as what’s most important. 

 

…Everything has to turn out somehow, right? Just look at us.

 

…Ghosts are terrible dance partners, but some of the best listeners you’ll ever find.

 

…There’s only so much cleverness a person can take before they run right out the back door, hinges swinging.

 

…Most of my fears are hypothetical, or at least I think so.

 

…Miracles can happen. In the most unlikely places, they can.

 

…Sometimes it’s hard to describe something when you’re too close to it. Even while wearing readers. 

 

…Have you ever met someone without strong opinions? Me neither. Well, except for Lucy.

 

…We all have something that reminds us.

 

…A while back, I read a quote from Elton that went: “Whenever I’m flying over the Alps, I’ll look out the window at all the snow on the mountains and I’ll think—that looks like all the cocaine I’ve done in my life.”

Sometimes when I’m (me) staring at the lake during sunset, the surface will take on this beautiful scarlet glow and I’ll think—that looks like half the cabernet I’ve drank in my life.

 

…How hard is it to remember?

 

…As a matter of fact, I could use a drink right now.

 

…When you’re really good at something you should just do it, because otherwise it’s a waste not to. 

 

…--“Why are you thinking so much?” 

    --“Great question, real Hall of Fame stuff. I’ll get back to you soon.”

 

…I, for my part, am never sure what will come out of my mouth, or pen.

 

…Have I told you lately that I hate the word “sure?” “Sure” is like a re-made “Yes” with really bad plastic surgery.

 

…Why do I need a reason to heal?

 

…As usual, my room is trying to teach me something.

 

…One of the interesting things about demons is they never relax, or take the day off.

 

…Kindness makes it harder to bear. Anger I can deal with.

 

…People say they’re ordinary, but it always turns out that they’re wrong.

 

…“The best stories are the ones you almost can’t believe because they’re so true, the truth that surpasses plausibility.” Charles Baxter

 

…The ego needs limits, and boundaries. Just ask mine.

 

…Sure, there are a lot of things to apologize for. Don’t think I haven’t thought of that.

 

…Hold onto that natural exuberance of yours. It’ll come in handy.

 

…I try to locate myself, but the map just keeps buffering.

 

…The guy at the tire place suggested I go grab breakfast because it was going to be a few hours. When I said I’d stay and wait and that I had a book to read, he looked at me like I had leprosy.

 

…The woman at the tire place read me the worksheet like it was a jury verdict. At the end she said, “And your front brakes are a 4.4m and the back are at 5m.” When I asked, “What does that mean?” she repeated what she’d just said and so I did the same. Then she got flustered and said, “It means your brakes are on their way out.” I said, quite sincerely, if not also ignorantly, “What does that mean? What should I do?” She said, “Listen for a squeaking sound.” So, I asked again, “What does that mean?” and she said “It means your brakes have stopped working.” And I’m thinking, like, if I’m on I-fucking-5, and there’s a squeak and I’m going 60mph I’ll HAVE NO BRAKES? Instead of taking it further, unconfrontational me just said, “Thanks,” and left, wondering when and where I’ll be when I hear that first or last squeak.

 

…Is it all just luck, whether your life is blessed or blighted? 

 

…“Not to be rude, but” is usually an escape route for the person speaking, who’s about to say something rude and hurtful to you. 

 

…If you take anything seriously, make it your compassion.

 

…Sometimes I can see how frustrated the crows in my backyard get. You might know the feeling.

 

…People who cry openly during a movie are people I typically respect and admire above all others. 

 

…Like most things, you don’t really think about luck and the privilege of health until it goes awry.

 

…When all the choices are unacceptable, a guy still has to choose.

 

…“Kissing and crying: these two activities are inevitably linked. Those who kiss, cry.” Happy, Celina Baljeet Basra 

 

…More good fortune! My publisher sent me $1.93 in royalties yesterday.

 

…Maybe it always comes down to small reasons, incremental turns, conversations you almost didn’t have, or heard only part of.

 

…I trust you more than I trust myself.

 

…Do you have a minute?

 

…Call me when you get there.

 

…I like you already.

—IS YOUR BED MADE? IS YOUR SWEATER ON?

  

…Do you ever wake up cranky for no reason? Probably not. But I do. Like this morning, for instance.

 

…But then I look at the lake and everything settles in between the ripples, slowly seeking the shore. If it’s raining, like right now, it’s especially soothing. What a gift to be surrounded by water and books.

 

…“It’s relatability that moves us to empathize.” Lisa Taddeo

 

…Seems like a heady metaphor when you’re told you have a very weak heart, especially when the person telling you this knows what they’re talking about and says it in a grave voice. 

 

…In a drawer, right behind my left shoulder, I have every graded story I ever wrote in college, all of them typed up on rice paper like artifacts in a museum.

 

…Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m actually a good person.

 

…I’m warming up to the idea of death. I’ve never been very great at ignoring threats, and besides, what’s really going to change anything?

 

…Toast tastes better when someone else makes it for you. That’s just a fact.

 

…French toast, for me anyway, is like pornography on a plate.

 

…Don’t kill the messenger.

 

…For the longest time, back when I worked, I used to hate being recognized. Now, if it’s the right person, it’s one of my favorite things.

 

…If you’re looking for a Lifetime movie, you’ve come to the wrong 

channel.

 

…Sometimes we pretend to want things we don’t want so no one can see us not getting the things we need.

 

…Most of the time it all boils down to fear. 

 

…On my desk I have an engraved pendant of Lucy’s likeness that someone gave me. It’s incredible how much it looks like her.

 

…Some people live their lives as if they’re certain they’re going to get another one. And maybe they will.

 

…Sometimes there’s nothing better on earth than someone asking you the right question.

 

…I stand corrected. On a lot of things, I do.

 

…When you’re not a morning person you never wish you were.

 

--“Yes, I have a question. You seem like such an upbeat person, so why do you write such dark stuff?”

--“Well, for one, you’ve never met my mother.” 

 

…A lot of time I’m stuck between the concrete blocks trying to find the window.

 

…But hey, being late to the party means you still got there.

 

…Maybe I’m wrong, but every time a person says, “Y’all” it sounds as if they’re only doing it for show.

 

…“There are a lot of angry dogs around here.”

 

…Oh, Mr. Rayhilt…

 

…A benefit of waking up at 2:30 am or 4 is that you’re more likely to remember your dreams, and depending upon what surreal scenarios were playing out in your head, that can either be a good thing, or a bad one.

 

…Last night I was a groundskeeper for two different summer camps and there were all kinds of cats running in between the sloping lawns—huge, fat cats that seemed as if they were going to attack at any second. My favorites were the kittens, so needy and lonely, clawing on my pant cuff, just wanting to be seen.

 

…What has that got to do with my mother? Oh. 

 

…Over time, parts wear out. That’s what I keep reminding myself anyway.

 

…There should be a stronger word than appalled. 

 

…Does it matter who’s fault it is?

 

…Most people are never where they really want to be. Have you noticed?

 

…There’s always something we take for granted.

 

… You’re not the only one trying to keep it all together.

 

…There’s nothing safer than wanting nothing, yet that’s a pretty pathetic position to take.

 

… It’s easier for you when you’re an extrovert. You can always talk it out.

 

…Sometimes all you want is someone who’ll pay attention to you, like really pay attention, because it’s you and so they want to.

 

…“Often, quite often, he found himself confronting the idea that being a man only required pretending to be a man. He had no idea how to accomplish it otherwise.” Hot Springs Drive, Lindsay Hunter

 

…If I sound defensive, well, maybe I am.

 

…So far I’ve outlived the average life expectancy for an anorexic, so there’s another bit of good fortune.

 

…Sometimes the best moments in life are happening when they seem like they’re the very worst moments.

 

…Sometimes no matter what you do, memories don’t cooperate.

 

--“Hey, Uncle Len.

--“Yeah?

--“When you die, I will totally buy this house.” 

--“Ha. Really?”

--“Totally.”  Grace, age 4 

 

…A person can be relatively happy and still write about things that aren’t. Look at Phoebe Bridgers or Stephen King. And anyway, aren’t the very best songs the sad ones?

 

…You only get one of those.

 

…Some people lean on therapy. I have this.

 

…Something I dislike is when you’re at a restaurant and after finishing your meal the waiter comes by and says, “Well, I guess you didn’t like that very much, huh?” As if you’re not supposed to eat all of your food. As if you’re a glutton for having done so.

 

…It feels pretty good to be sober. Most of the time it does.

 

…We never see the ending first, and maybe that’s okay.

 

…When it’s good, it’s good. Right?

 

—IS THIS THING WORKING?

 

 

…It’s a good thing sanity has a wide spectrum.

 

…People often tell you that they’re there for you, that they always will be, that they have your back unequivocally, but sometimes they’re lying, or else they’re just wrong about the things they say. 

 

…If I added it all up, it was hardly that many hours at all, yet there it sits. There it is.

 

…Maybe I just have a case of tinnitus.

 

…I don’t know what I need, but I need something. Don’t we all?

 

…This is a little long, but trust me, it’s worth it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4OlL0OpbW8

 

…Everybody’s life is a shipwreck at times.

 

…I know I really love a book when it keeps stopping me, making me write.

 

…I wonder how many people regret the tattoos they’re wearing.

 

…Sometimes you just can’t look away from a bad movie, especially when it’s about you.

 

…Sometimes you have to ask a question you don’t want the answer to.

 

…No, I never said I was too old to learn new things, though I might have insinuated it from time to time.

 

…You shouldn’t worry about me, unless you really, really want to.

 

…Sometimes the truth is askew.

...Whee!

 

…“Here’s your solution. Ask him what no one else will ask him. Ask him what he wants.” Charles Baxter, Blood Test

 

…To answer your question—I’m not sure why I’m this way.

 

…Sometimes it’s hard not to feel like a fugitive.

 

…I wish my body would stop disagreeing with me.

 

…Do you really want to know what I think, or is that just something to ask during the silence?

 

…It’s pretty hard to hate someone. I mean, like, really hate someone, yet...

 

…Sometimes you have to pause and watch the elephant, even when it’s stomping on your chest.

 

…Something that’s stuck with me was a story (told by his widow) about this writer who once did a poetry reading with only one other person in the audience. His wife talked about her husband’s excitement and enthusiasm, how he performed as if the room was packed, how there could have been one person there or five hundred and he still would have given the performance of his life.

 

…It’s easy to get confused when someone’s speaking pig latin.

 

…It turns out that you can’t always counter reason with faith.

 

…As a rule, always be a good listener. Even with the person you see all the time.

 

…As long as it doesn’t hurt someone, shouldn’t you be able to do what you want to do?

 

…The tricky part is still tricky, but it feels good being there.

 

….Who’s worse—Marco, or me, because I once said I’d vote for him?

 

…Whenever someone says, “I don’t want to be that guy,” I always wonder what guy they’re talking about.

 

…“We are star stuff, pondering stars.” Carl Sagan

 

…You were always looking for a reason to give up, and now you’ve got it.

 

…There’s something to be said for drinking, and those who can avoid it.

 

…“Your body, my choice.” How is that even possible?

 

…Dreams are really bad at giving directions.

 

…It’s only macabre if you think it is.

 

…The Emperor’s New Clothes—I’ve so much to say about that, so I’ll leave it right there.

 

…Some people ask how you feel, what you think, when they really only want you to confirm what’s already in their head.

 

…“The difference between poetry and rhetoric is being ready to kill yourself instead of your children.” Audre Lorde

 

…It seems like a good idea to have a few people in your life who challenge you in ways you’re not comfortable with, who maybe even make you feel a little unsafe. At least, I think it is. At least, I hope so.

 

…Aren’t we all more alike than not? I used to think so, but now I’m not sure at all.

 

…If it sounds like I bitch a lot, your hearing is probably really good.

 

…Is it possible to have a best friend you never see? Hmm.

 

…“The Big Dark” sounds like a horror movie and sometimes it looks that way as well.

 

…I’m always paranoid when it comes to computers. Back in the early days, say around 1992, when people used floppy disks for storage, I wrote a novel, finished it, and when I went to save it, the entire thing disappeared—poof!—just like that. I had one of the smartest tech guys I know come to the house to evaluate things. Larry Webb was his name, a really sweet guy, and a complete caricature of a nerd who wore thick, black-rimmed glasses, short-sleeved button-down shirts, his pocket stacked with pens and an ink protector (really). After an hour or so, he looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, but it’s gone for good.” 

I ended up re-writing that book, and while the second draft was better, it still wasn’t good. Nevertheless, that experience has rendered me skittish when it comes to techy stuff and the inevitable problems that arise, like my email shutting me out yesterday.

People always ask if I miss it and when they do I tell them I miss the Help Desk.

 

…It’s the books that linger, that stay with you, that show up unannounced during a banal part of your day that matter most.

 

…Maybe I read too much. Maybe that’s the problem.

 

…A lot of times social media feels like a club or sorority that I’ve somehow joined and can’t seem to escape from. A Hotel California, if you will.

 

…When you no longer drink, alcohol shows up everywhere, all the time, like the one that got away.

 

…Sometimes my friends will say such simple yet profound things and not even know it.

 

…One gift I have is making babies and infants smile or laugh. I must resemble a happy clown. Then when they’re toddlers, they mostly ignore me.  

 

…To survive, you need forgiveness. There’s no getting around that.

 

…If you ever find yourself here, well, that’s half of the point.

 

—THANK GOD IT'S WEDNESDAY

 

lucky idiot

 

          your tongue on mine swirling stabbing cute pokes leaving staying saying hi polishing my nostril knobs like they’re bar glasses or see-through jewels your tongue teaching my neck new morse etch-a-sketch a map to the fountain of youth how to circumnavigate the globe or just cum on the spot your tongue busy below the equator beautifully sloppy leaving zigzag trails of slick bubbles some sizzling some popping soundlessly in my sparse jungle your tongue there there and also there fingering a lock collecting white gold riches I never knew I had in me your tongue a greedy thing milking my reserves calling up the militia for an extended oral battle or two your tongue teaching my toes to tap and curl and spring like a deer for the hell of it your tongue pinky swearing mine promising more round two three four no matter what other things life would have us do

 

—I DON’T KNOW IF I’M BEING FOOLISH, DON’T KNOW I’M BEING BLIND

 

Shallow Breathing

 

I construct 

scaffolding 

to prioritize 

my suffering 

and pity 

and feel

at once  

selfish 

and foolish 

as if there 

is no greater 

harm than 

thwarted love 

not even 

that child 

fighting 

again 

this morning 

for a 

simple pocket 

of air

 

—LATELY LIFE REALLY IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

 

 

Provisional

 

        It’s award season and the taxidermist is chewing gristle while tying a full Windsor his lines padded and memorized wife ready to grasp his elbow and applaud on cue if only she can find her cloak and hijab first if only she can learn how to bleed out of sight