—WHAT IF I CRY EVERY SHOW AND IT’S “HEY, LOOK OUT BELOW”?

  

…It’s always easy when it’s easy.

 

…Who cares what I have failed to become?

 

…There’s a lot I used to have backwards.

 

…Maybe I still do.

 

…It’s really what the kids are writing that matters.

 

…“You’ve been with me forever.
      You know all my angels.

      How could I say no to you, 
      taking off your earrings to kiss me?”---Kaveh Akbar

… . A big part of living is matching what you do or say to what else is being done or said by others. The difficulty is in knowing where to draw the line.

 

…Looks empty over here.

 

….“Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.” Andy Warhol

 

…“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Somebody

 

…In college, my least favorite question to be asked by adults was, “So, what’s your major?” Because you knew the question that would follow after your answer, and you knew the others that would come, and they all felt like a firing squad, so much pressure to pick a good major, a practical one that would get you a decent job, which was why you were supposed to be in college to begin with, right?

And even though that four-year period was one of the most incredible times of my life, it was also stressful. Because there was looming adulthood. Like, not just driving to Moscow, ID every night, where the drinking age was 19. But real-life adult responsibility.

And then came “Interviews” senior year, a few months prior to graduation, where certain companies would get a jumpstart and arrive in droves on campus and you could sign up if you were ambitious or knew someone. 

I bombed every interview I was lucky enough to get, but I remember a specific time with a guy from Caterpillar (can you even imagine me thinking that was a good idea, a good fit?) where I thought, You know what? I’ve done terrible every interview I’ve planned and planned for, so I’m just going to go ahead and be honest this one. No rote answers. No prepared replies to the questions I’m anticipating.

And when the guy asked, “So, what would your ideal job be, your perfect career, like the one you that would make you happiest, the one you could do for the rest of your life without any regrets?” 

I said, “I’d be a writer.” 

I spat it out fast, almost like a person with Tourette’s, or a burp that slips out before you have the wherewithal to stifle the sound. 

In response, I remember he smiled and sort of looked over my head wistfully, almost if he and I were sharing the same blurry dream at that exact same moment. But then he lowered his eyes and asked me, “So, why don’t you become a writer?” 

 

…I got this yesterday:

Hi Len,

Royalties for THIS IS ME, BEING BRAVE

 1 x paperback sold via Amazon.com

= USD 0.31

 To be paid in June

…If I have a breakdown while I’m gone, will you still love me? 

I might, you know?

 

…I’d never listened to Pet Sounds all the way through but did on yesterday morning’s walk. With the exceptions of some juvenile lyrics here and there, it is the definition of a masterpiece. Especially if you listen with earbuds in.

 

…YOU APPEARED IN 82 SEARCHES. 

Okay, but why? 

 

…“Amidst the urgent eternal amidst, it is very good to be in love.” St. John of the Cross

 

…I often wish I was more practical, or pragmatic, but then maybe I wouldn’t dream so much, which might change me in irrevocable ways.

 

…I remember a lunch date with one of my best friends—and I actually forget the specifics, though I remember his words—where I said something like, “I’m not sure if I’d get anything out of that,” and he smirked and said, “So, Len, are you telling me you’re too old to learn new things?”

It’s funny the things you remember, the things you think about repeatedly, but that’s one of mine. And that one speck of a sentence (out of a long series of conversations) is the thing that’s motivated me to try to be better, to improve myself.

 

…“Sometimes things are important for the exact reasons you expect them to be. Other times, you’re wrong and the moon cracks in half while you’re staring at your shoes. Either way, it matters.” Penny and Sparrow

 

…If you’re lucky, you only get a few people in your life who are going to make yours better, so it’s best to hold them close and be sure to really mean it when you say, “Thanks.”

 

…Lately, I’ve been thinking about the past, how it wants to hold you back, no point in wasting time on those things that won’t be here tomorrow.

 

…“What about what I think?” I’m trying to remember that’s usually what the other person is thinking while I’m talking to them.

 

…Early morning message sent to my best friend the other day: 

"Anymore it feels like we're all just one hour away from the end of the world, so I'm trying to use all of my carnival tickets."

 

…If you haven’t seen this, it’s worth a watch (and you can stop after she’s done, about 6:30 minutes in.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJQS22Off2E

 

…“How about I be me, and you be you” Sinéad O'Connor

 

…On the phone with one of my best friends the other day, this was part of our conversation, which caused us both to laugh at the end…

Me: --    “I remember being in a workshop once when a woman said, ‘I have been really happy lately, so I haven’t been writing much. Do you ever notice how you can’t write when you’re happy?’ It was probably ten years ago when she said that, but I still remember it because I thought, Yeah, I totally get what she’s saying. I always have to be leaning a bit dark. or sad, to be able to write anything good.”

Her: --    “Well, that’s not a problem for me at all, because I’m never really happy.”

 

…I could really use a Snickers bar right now, one with real ingredients.

 

…It’s so strange to look out your window and see a huge boat parked right there with four capped people, all dressed in camo and holding fishing rods that look like rifles.

 

…After a while, as a parent, you learn that one kid leans into you for certain things, at certain times, while they lean into the other parent at different times, needing different things. 

And there are reasons or stories for that, and you can drive yourself a little crazy trying to figure out the “why” of it all, but at some point you just become glad they reached out, that they still trust you enough to want to.

 

…Looking for mystery where there is none is a waste of time, unless you let yourself discover what else is there.  

 

…It takes a lot of bravery to hold onto the silence in a conversation, even when you’re bare-knuckled.

 

...Bedtime’s getting earlier, but so is dawn.

 

…I can be a Rube Goldberg machine, I can overcomplicate a thing…

 

…Maybe the antidote is right here.

 

…I’m a fan of skinny, yet sometimes I see old phots of myself and I think—there’s thin, and then there’s just bones.  

 

…I’m not very tough anymore, if I ever was to begin with.

 

…Do you ever get to the end of something and then wonder, What was the point of that? Only to remember the point later on, and then think, Oh, yeah, that was it.

 

…Monday, Monday...Monday brings the blues. I put on my shirt and tie..

 

…I know the voices aren’t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.

 

…“No need to hurry, no need to sparkle, no need to be anybody but one’s self.” Virginia Woolf

 

…If someone was really angry and needed to take it out on a person and beat someone up, I’d be their perfect guy.

 

…All it’s gonna take is all your patience, I can be a lot, ha!

 

…Next time I’ll be better prepared.