—LIFE WILL BE A BREEZE, YOU KNOW? I REALLY SHOULD BE GLAD

 

(This was written in spurts days ago, but if felt like something to say, or leave unabridged, for the weekend.)

 

…It’s a good thing I lost the post I was going to put up here originally, because it was anything but pretty.

 

…Just so you know ahead of time, this one may not be very pretty either.

 

…Smells like smoke in here…

 

…Do you have any idea? I don’t think so. How can you? I’ve never clearly said so.

 

…I always hate when I use fake exclamation marks. Like, when I don’t really feel any enthusiasm for what I’m writing in response to a person who’s used one, but I know they want to hear their glee and gusto repeated back, so I comply! I write: Way to go! I write: You’re the man! I write: You’re the woman! I write: You’re the They! (Actually, that last one hasn’t happened yet.)

 

…It’s funny the things that make you doubt yourself.

 

…I don’t know what it means, or says about me, but when I find a penny on the ground, if it’s Heads, I still pick it up and feel like something good is going to happen.

 

…I have a sweatshirt (two actually) that says:

DRINK WATER

LOVE HARD

FIGHT RACISM

Sometimes I wear it and forget I am. Inevitably, unless they’re a person of color, people will always comment about the water part.

 

…You go back to your hotel and I'll go back to my glamorous life of being alone. The only thing I have to come home to is a bottle of mouthwash to get the taste of cum out of my mouth. I'm tired of being alone. That's what I'm tired of. Sera, “Leaving Las Vegas” 

 

…The lamest platitude in the world has to be: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Yet, it’s the most true.

 

…You can’t change the past, but you sure as hell can think about it. Like, a lot.

 

…You know what I’m good at fixing? 

Nothing.

 

…It’s only humiliating if you think it is.

 

…Do you ever have a word you continually misspell, after years and years and years? Mine is “occasion.” Almost always, I write “ocassion.”

 

…“Lay” or “lie,” “laid” or “layed”—those are different stories.

 

…No matter what they tell you, time doesn’t take care of everything.

 

…Something to remember: it’s always important to push “Save.”

 

…I wish I could tell you how hard it is, staying mute like this. But isn’t that what you asked for?

 

…Did we talk about “Misery loves company”? When I’m miserable, I don’t want to see, or talk to, a single soul. Unless it’s a deer, or the beaver, or Pete, or a slinky squirrel darting across the road, out of traffic, too quick to get squashed.

 

….There are 75.1 million reasons to be utterly baffled. 75.1 million “why’s” that I still have no answer for.

 

…Yesterday was a dark day, literally and figuratively. Haven’t had one like that in a while, and hope I don’t again.

 

…I’m not quite sure how you get to “Bluer than blue,” but I’ll trust Michael Johnson.

 

…I mean, is there really such a thing as “sadder than sad?” Okay, well, I might have been close a few times in the last ten days.

 

…At this point, I’ve stopped keeping score.

 

…I hope you have a better antidote for the dark days than I do. Perhaps you could share?

 

…I’m as competitive as the next guy, probably more so, but if I’m losing, getting slaughtered, but my best friend still has a shot, I’m always right there, jumping in his corner, rooting for him.

 

…What I’ve learned is when you’re thinking of someone, you let them know, even if they might think it’s weird, or too late.

 

…I’m all over the board here, but I hope you recognize some things.

 

…I wonder if it’s okay to tell someone you miss them, knowing they’ll ask to see you, when you know that’s not possible, and that it is probably never going to happen.

 

…After the Newtown school shooting, I was at church and the pastor, a hip sort who I really admired, said, “People always want to know why, but finding out why doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t bring those kids back. It doesn’t reverse what happened. It adds nothing in the way of closure.” I still remember that, and I think he’s mostly right. Yet, I’m still looking for the why.

 

…“I was just thinking of you and wanted you to know,” has to be one of the best things to hear, right up there with “I love you” or “I miss you,” which are the same things, if you think about it.

 

…Even though this is a tear-jerker, it made me happy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YCzj-SDYmY

 

…When I start to feel sorry for myself, I try to think about how fucking awful Zelenskyy has it every single day, and how bleak things must look for him now. He’s definitely on my Man Crush list.

 

…If it’s true that you can’t write when you’re happy, then I should have an incredibly productive couple of months.

 

…I never get tired of watching those dogs. Thank God for those guys and their sloppy love of water.

 

…There are a few moments when it feels like it never happened.

 

…I wonder what you’re thinking about all of this.

 

…I wonder where you are.

 

…I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re better than okay, somehow.

 

…I think the thing is, we both realized that we didn't have that much time. And I accepted him for who he was, and I didn't expect him to change, and I think he felt that for me, too. I liked his drama, and he needed me. And I loved him. I really loved him. Sera, “Leaving Las Vegas”

 

…My problem isn’t that I take everything too seriously, it’s just that I take everything around me too seriously, and for that, I’m alone to blame.

 

…I wish people wouldn’t say, “It’s okay,” or “It’s going to be okay,” when it’s clearly not okay nor is it going to be okay. Maybe a better thought would be: “Everything is horrible right now, but if you work hard enough, there’s a way to survive it. And I’ll do it with you.” Or maybe just, “I’m right here.”

 

…I’ve always wanted to be a bartender, or taxi driver, because I thought I’d get a lot of writing material from those jobs, but the only problem with that is I have no sense of direction and a tavern is the last place I need to be. Hence, I guess I’ll just have to keep using my imagination. “Bartender, pour me another sonnet, please. And make it a double.”

 

…It feels a lot longer than it’s actually been.

 

…When I lived in Oregon, I had a speedbag set up in my garage (really). I could never make the tear-shaped bag dance and dribble like you see in boxing films, but I tried. That is, until I inadvertently got metal shavings caught in my eyes from the ball bearing and had to have surgery and wear blindfolds for days until I could see again. 

 

…No good deed goes unpunished.

 

…Daylight Savings Time feels like a test of spirit at this point in the year. When I want to bitch about it, I think about those poor folks up in Alaska.

 

…It’s hard to trust anyone that doesn’t have a vice. I bet Mother Theresa secretly chewed tobacco. Probably Copenhagen Wintergreen. I bet she swore like a sailor, or a Sigma Chi, at least under her breath.

 

…It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Like a really, long, fucking minute.

 

…My body’s been trying to tell me something for quite some time, which is why I need to have my hearing checked.

 

…I see those studs with the Ironman bodies and I think, “Really? What’s the point of all that work? Are you going to live your entire life with your shirt off?” But maybe that’s just envy.

 

…I’m such a laggard. I can’t figure out Bluetooth on my car stereo, so today I punched earphones in and listened to Mt Joy, Vampire Weekend, The Smile and Dawes. I don’t even recall the drive.

 

…At some point I’m going to have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, something that doesn’t make me feel like I’ve given up.

 

…Can you share a life with someone and not be physically in it? I guess that’s called Pen Pals. I guess it has to be something super special to keep it going.

 

…If you’ve never watched “Parenthood,” (the series, not the film), you should. It’s network TV, so you have to allow for that, but it’s mostly spectacular. I’m learning a lot, the second time watching it. What I noticed is the cast, the characters, they never forget to tell the important people in their life that they love them. Like, they do it all the time. 

 

… Are you desirable? Are you irresistible? Maybe if you drank bourbon with me, it would help. Maybe if you kissed me and I could taste the sting in your mouth it would help. If you drank bourbon with me naked. If you smelled of bourbon as you fucked me, it would help. It would increase my esteem for you. If you poured bourbon onto your naked body and said to me "drink this". If you spread your legs and you had bourbon dripping from your breasts and your pussy and said "drink here" then I could fall in love with you. Because then I would have a purpose. To clean you up and that, that would prove that I'm worth something. I'd lick you clean so that you could go away and fuck someone else. Ben Sanderson, “Leaving Las Vegas

 

…If you’ve ever wanted to read someone’s diary, like I have, well, you’re almost there.

 

…Try not to throw up.

 

…Sorry, not sorry.

 

…And so, here come the Holidays. Wish me luck.