—THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING TO CRAZY I HAVE EVER BEEN

 

 

have you seen me

 

when you

called off

the search

the flowers

uprooted or

hung themselves

threw their ratty

luggage on the yard

and thumbed it

out of town

while the sky went

a hideous shade

of brown

left me dizzy as hell

all I hear now

is the rusty clatter

of that warped key

and broken bell

and the days slog on

a lot like hell

even death looks

a little lazy

doing its killing

after dark

camouflaged by infection

and fire smoke

all hazy

and it’s okay I’m just

feeling a little placid

can’t seem to

stomach the rancid

can’t even make it to noon

which is pretty soon

time to drink

I’d rather feel

than think        

thoughts have been

my enemy

like those three peaks

in Albuquerque

where nothing gets decided

and every desire

is unavailable

not meant to

be acquired

but I’m still

studying the facts

printed out like a vert

on the milk carton back

degenerate and desperate

imploring the reader

HAVE YOU SEEN ME

HAVE YOU SEEN ME

HAVE YOU?

 

 

 —I GET INSECURE FOR STUPID REASONS, I TELL MYSELF I SHOULDN’T, BUT I FEEL IT

 

The Importance of Play

 

 Today all I

wanna do is

 something

without purpose

 just play

it doesn’t have

 to be childlike

not like that

  maybe I slap you

on the ass and

 run for cover

or you take me

 on the counter

hood of the car

 or under a

scalding shower

 today let’s just play

come here and

 give me your digits

my mouth is open

 and it’s really   

really wet

 

—SADNESS IS FOR SUCKERS, AND MOST OF THE TIME I’M A PRETTY BIG SUCKER

 

 

bloody mary

 

let’s not sing

the mundane

kill me instead

no need for apologies

excuses or

a burial

the crows

are wise and

need to be fed

I read where

a woman lifted

a car off

her daughter’s

crushed body

just today

or yesterday

I saw a

mimosa sunrise

and a bloody

mary sunset

oh my

there are all

these miracles

taking place

right over

our shoulders

so why are we

even bothering

with this?

 

—I HATE HOW YOUR TALK TO YOURSELF

 

Flush

 

been sitting here

not really listening

just poking skin

ripping sails

hoping not to

break anything

crumple or wail

been wondering lately

a lot about Hell

wondering if you

can actually tell

if you love-hate

someone or something

like the beauty

of frost smothering

the dappled lips

of earth’s most

beautiful flower

because I love

flowers

even though

they die and I can’t

smell them

they’re one of

my favorite things

flowers are

what we need  

flowers sprouting in

your eyes

flowers growing in

the sky

flowers all over earth

Amen

 

—AND ALL OF THE OTHERS CANCEL OUT EACH OTHER AND IT’S ALWAYS YOU LEFT

 

 

Couldn’t Care Less

 

thought I was

doing so well

but I’m still

swimming in circles

can’t out-churn the sharks

or turn down these voices

squirming in my head

might be better off dead

and yes I do

remember precisely

what was said

don’t say that

  you said

don’t say that

  I said

don’t say don’t

  we both said

still the desolate water

keeps on lapping

spiders on the panes

are knitting their breath

with eight pinched feet-fingers

looks like a question

without an answer

now that’s symbolism

that can’t pull the trigger

and isn’t that how it goes

the gullible undertow

how I whisper

come and pull me down

pull me under

I’m only floating

here for you

thought I was hanging okay

but then I saw the way

I demolished each day

like a glutton

shit leaking outta

his eyes and ears

oh did you hear

(...) passed yeah

and the world’s

burning up fast

I can smell the

smoke on your

left lash

chalky gray-black ash taste

and I can’t smell a thing

which can only mean

that wave’s got

my name on it

and I’ll own it

and I’m actually

okay with it

 

—‘CAUSE I’M PICKING UP THE STONES WITHOUT YOU

  

my body

 

 

my body’s been

letting me down lately

and yeah I know

of course I do

take a number duh

you can’t feel safe

at every break

everybody knows that

but nobody knows what

to take when the

fire’s raging

unless you have those

rapid-fire mother instincts

wait

is that sexist

feminist

motherist

prolly

sorry I’m just here

breathing out loud

it’s monday and I don't

know what to do

or where to go

or who to call

because I don’t want

to talk to anybody

but you

though you’re not there

and so my body says

it’s not a part of me

says ha

says you’re in

the wrong line

says this one is actually

going somewhere

says step down

says step away fool

 

 

—AND I HAVE THIS DREAM WHERE I’M SCREAMING UNDERWATER

 

 

      the disappointment raft

 

 

packed up my disappointments

  put them on a raft

watched them float stocky

  through all the smoke and ash

but it’s like trying to

  rewrite a false memory

cause don’t you know

  they sailed right back to me

the waves on fire

  water hissing like electric spit

I shot my best arrow at it

  but didn’t hit shit

it’s been a hard time

  trying to conger yum

nothing’s appealing nothing’s fun

  it might be what I’m drinking

or the early hour

  that last scratch’s got me

playing Phoebe feeling pretty dour

  Kyoto or Funeral

I’m going to steal the lyrics

  rewrite my obituary

top it off with hysterics

  time to sit my sad ass

on the disappointment raft

  paddle through the brown haze

breath deep and not look back