--THERE MUST BE FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

 

…A long time ago, I wrote this poem.  It has never been published and has been rejected half a dozen times. 

I don’t know why I wrote it or why I was so angry when I did, but I fell into this place and it came out.
It remains one of my favorites.
Here it is:
 

               This Is Not a Love Poem

You are in Switzerland noshing patchwork cheese,

buying wristwatches with Andre or Gary.
The sun is gentle and restrained on your faces.
A breeze kicks up enough that your hair flounces around your cheek
while seeding the air
with the honeysuckle notes of your perfume,
and at this moment
on our very planet
there could not be a more lovely creature
than you.

Over here

there’s no yellow brick road
so  I’m heading off to where
the trails are paved with razors pointed topside,
sticking up jaggedly,
a billion blades
of glinting metal teeth.
To get where I need to go
requires more than faith and
means taking a blood bath.

You should be so thrilled.

Perhaps you can toss confetti across your gazpacho
or shoot up the next guy to slip you the finger.

Mind you, this is not a love poem.

Mind yourself
and mine those men with their ceramic smiles
and candy cane eyes,
their Dudley Do-Right jaws as reliable as oxbows.
Take them in the crux of your kiss,
your armpit
or crotch
for all I care.
Crush them like scrawny spiders or
choke them with a designer garrote,
but leave me out of it,
I’m busy.

When I brushed my teeth this morning

they bled inky black, liquid licorice.
I tried gargling with salt water but that did nothing to stem the flow,
the blow as it were,
so the doctor has fitted me with this muzzle thing
and now the only way I’m able to convey how much I hate you
is to type it
like I’m doing right now.

--WE'RE CATCHING BULLETS IN OUR TEETH

 …I’m surrounded by policeman.  Over a dozen of them.  Half are wearing hats.  Caps.  In their holsters they have billy clubs and canisters of mace, walkie talkies bigger than bricks, and pistols.  Of course they have those.

These cops are loud, rowdy even.  They don’t want me, though.  Thank God for that.  Most of them are laughing.  The others are pontificating, even pointing a finger while they gesture and talk.
All this is happening at my hometown Starbucks.  When I pulled up a moment ago it looked like Obama had made a campaign stop here.  In the lot are at least seven vehicles.
These cops like their coffee and camaraderie.  They don’t seem so menacing while they’re smiling. Cops are probably taught not to smile when they pull you over or arrest you.
I’m here with half of our city’s police force because my internet isn’t working and hasn’t been for a few days.  It’s the cost of country living, I get that, but it’s still annoying.
There are state troopers, sheriffs, and Snohomish police.  All we’re missing here is the FBI or Canadian Mounties.  Some of the getups are a little silly—the Mountie-styled hats with the wide flat brims in cadet blue no less; lit blue trousers with silk ribbon running down the side of each leg; those same light blue pants tucked into black boots that are nearly knee-high.
And now they’re standing.   It’s like when a flock of geese lift off of the lake, dominating the scene.  These are jolly officers, most a little on the heavy side.  Maybe they’re so happy because they belong to this fraternity or because they’ve just downed a liter of coffee each (it looked that way.)
In any case, I hope they catch some bad guys today.  Not people who speed, but people who sell speed.  I hope they make a difference.  It seems like that’s all we should ever hope for, from each other and from ourselves.

…I like these this morning:

-"I think how one lives is more important than how long one lives. So I don't feel too bad."  Lim Yoon-taek, 32 year old cancer victim

-"Disaster has a way of turning up around prophets." Erica Wright

-"Your imagination is the preview to life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein

--I THINK I LIKE TALKING TO YOU TOO MUCH

…I got some great news.  The other day someone from the Pacific Northwest Writers Conference called to tell me a story I’d written is a finalist in the short story competition.  Out of over 1,000 entries, there are 8 finalists.  The winner is announced at a ceremony during the conference next month here in Seattle.  You don’t get any money, but there is a dinner with a number of agents with the ability to make some important connections. 

So that made me happy.
The story is one I wrote specifically for the contest.  It’s not as dark as my usual stuff and even, I think so anyway, humorous in many places.
We’ll see what happens.  Keep your fingers crossed or me, okay?

...I went to see “Moonrise Kingdom,” the new film by Wes Anderson who also did “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” “Bottle Rocket,” “The Royal Tenenbaums” and others.

You should really see “Moonrise Kingdom.”  The title is odd and a little misleading, but the movie is wonderful.  It’s quirky and imaginative, funny, poignant, surprising with wonderful cinematography and spectacular acting.  Bill Murray, Bruce Willis, Tilda Swinton and Frances McDormand are in it, but really the two child actors steal the show.
I laughed and smiled the whole way through and even went, “Ahhh,” a few times.
You will, too.
That photo about is Suzie from the movie.

...Here are a couple of things I like today:

"I really think that if there's any one enemy to human creativity, especially creative writing, it's self-consciousness." Andre Dubus III

"If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can transform one million realities." Maya Angelou

Interviewer: "Which is more important: the ideas or the prose?

Kerouac: "Ideas are a dime a dozen."

"The truth is nobody gets over anything."  Martin Amis

--I COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY

…On Friday I went to Seattle, to Occidental Park, a landmark in the city.  Along with a dozen other writers, I’d been asked to write a piece about some object in the park.  Then a troupe of artisans built structures around the various objects (sculptures, poles, grates, and in my case—trees), laminated the poems and stories, and placed them on podiums.  It was pretty cool and I felt fortunate to be included.

If you’re in the Seattle area, the installment will be up for the next couple of months.

…I try to pay attention, to listen and be aware.  That helps with the writing.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes I just take in random information because—for whatever reason—it’s interesting…

…What's it all mean?  You tell me:

-Edvard Munch's painting, "The Scream" was recently auctioned off for $120 million.

-In their first month out by a traditional publisher, the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series has sold over 3 million copies and all three of the books are at the top of the bestseller list.  I’ve read none of them so I can’t cast an opinion.  It must be astounding to have that kind of success, to go from a hardly-known to such a well-known in such a short amount of time.  I do like some of her take on story-telling:

-“I was lucky to have my readers buy into the fantasy, to have them suspend their disbelief and enjoy it.”
-“Fundamentally, people like a good love story.” E.L. James

-In its report issued Thursday, the climate data center said the average U.S. temperature between March and May was 57.1 degrees, 5.2 degrees above the long-term average from 1901 to 2000.

While May was only the second-warmest on record, it was still in the top third for monthly average temperatures, marking 12 consecutive months with temperatures in that range, said Jake Crouch, a NOAA climate scientist.
"For that to happen 12 times in a row in a random circumstance is one in 540,000," he said.

-The obesity rate is set to hit 42% by 2030.  (yikes.)

-The recent stock market crash has caused investors to yank more than $260 billion (billion) out of the market, even though stocks, collectively, have risen more than 100% since the bear market ended three years ago.  It’s u 25% since October of last year.

-Obama and Romney are in a virtual tie.  If the election were held today, O would win by a hair, 48% to 47%.

-27% of people stash their cash at home in their freezer.  (Really?  Weird.)

-Facebook recently announced that it may allow kids under 13 to create an account under parental supervision.  (As if they're not already doing that without parental supervision.)

-Kids see an average of 16 food and beverage ads per day while watching television

-7% of Americans think it's very likely they'll one day become rich

-21% said it's somewhat likely
-72% said it's not very likely, or not at all likely

-Last week hackers got hold of the passwords for 6.5 million LinkedIn users

-There are five major rollercoasters currently operating in the US that are 88 years old or older (one, Leap-the-Dips) is 110 years old, meaning it was built and installed in the year 1912.

Gang activity is on the rise:

Percentage of US cities reporting gang violence:
2005 --25%
2010 --34%
Overall gang membership (in millions):
2005 --0.8
2010 --1.4
Of the 200 Chicago area murders so far this year (up from 139 at the same point last year), local police say 80% were gang-related.
It's estimated there are 100,000 gang members in that city

-You may not care, but Lindsay Lohan got into another car accident.

I'm a Linds fan.  I still remember her from "Freaky Friday."  I think she has talent.  I know she's in a bad way, but I'm hoping, like Britney, she can find a way to make it back.
In all, Lohan has spent 250 days in rehab, 35 days in home confinement, 67 days on community service, 19 days in court and made six trips to jail.

--YOU'RE ON THE EDGE OF GLORY

...I've been writing a lot.  That old thing where a sentence or word strikes inspiration is back.  Yesterday I wrote 15 stories, albeit some short.  

Here's one... 

                                                                        Life Is Beautiful

            They called her Monkey Face. 

            Boys stuck orange wedges between their mouths and waddled around bowlegged, arms curled as if carrying invisible bed rolls.  Rotten banana peels were often left inside her desk.  Once, she came into class and discovered a crude drawing on the blackboard with the name APE GIRL scrolled above it.

            At the zoo, she saw some.  They were hairy and bark-colored, gloomy-looking or angry.  One tried to snatch her neck through the metal bars.

            She married a man named Eddy.  Her mother was not a fan, but so what?  Eddy called her Queen instead of Monkey Face, sometimes being comical and shouting, “Boungiorno Principessa!” similar to the Italian actor in the film about love and Jews and death.

            Wherever she was, wherever she went, she sought out the unsightly.  Lots of things were soiled or marred, uneven and odd.  To each, she said a silent prayer and sent them a wish.

            After a difficult deliver, the sweaty nurse handed off their baby with relief.

            The new mother studied her newborn’s face.  She bent in beside the infant’s ear and whispered, “Hey there, Beautiful,” and because it was true or wasn’t, the baby cooed back.

--A LITTLE MORE COW BELL, PLEASE

…Today someone asked how old I was and I told them but I added a year to my age and after the amended age was already out in the spoken air it was too late to retrieve it, so for one day I was more mature than I wanted to be, than I ever want to be.

I don’t want to be a year older.  I know I should say rosy things like “Age is just a number” or “Life gets better the older one gets” but, truth be told (and I always tell the truth here), it’s a lot more fun being young when life is and open road.      

I say this having just read Anna Quindlen’s memoir, “Lots of Candles.  Plenty of Cake” where she says younger is not better.  She reports that a Gallup poll of 340,000 people showed unequivocally that we get more content as we age.”

I guess I disagree.

I guess I think there’s a difference between being content and being uninhibitedly spirited.

I’m not saying I’m not happy, because I am.  But I’d start all over at age sixteen again if someone would give me the chance.

I’d do it in a heartbeat.  

...In a few days Angelina Jolie will turn 37.  It seems as if she’s fifty or something.

...Robin Gibb, of the The Bee Gees (they took their name from The Brothers Gibb) died a few weeks ago from a long bout with cancer at the age of 62. I love the Bee Gees and don’t mind if you don’t.      

  …Breaking Bad,” the greatest television show ever, begins its fifth season in July.  You really should watch this.  Get Season 1 on Netflix or get the dvd’s.  You’ll be very happy.

It’s about a Chemistry teacher who has lung cancer and sells meth with a former student.  I know that sounds wacky, but the acting, direction, writing and cinematography are astounding.        

…It’s the 25^th anniversary of Paul Simon’s groundbreaking album “Graceland.”  That’s another thing you should get.  (I’m not steering you wrong here.)            

…The comic book movie “Avengers” has broken all kinds of records.  Its domestic gross topped $523 million in less than four weeks.

“Battleship,” a film based on a board game is hot, too.

“Men in Black 3” about aliens sold $70 million in one week.

Where I live these are the kinds of movies the cinaplexes play, nothing art house.  For that it’s a long drive into the city.

That’s pretty much why I don’t go to the movies anymore.

I’m not a snob, but I have to have a film shake me emotionally and not with special effects.

…This quote says what I can never come up with when people ask me why I don’t write happy things:

"I've been asked why such a happy person like me writes such unsettling dark novels and I think the answer if because it helps me be happy in my real life to explore all the darkness.  I do ruin lives in my novels, but I try not to end them.  I try to give people some sense of hope, though I never have people walking off into the sunset with everything solved." -Caroline Leavitt

 

--YOU COULDN’T HAVE BEEN A BETTER FRIEND TO ME

…You probably already know this, but the last week a man ate another man’s face.  Literally ate it.

It was a big news story with everyone talking about it.  I just read the headline and skipped the story.  It seemed too gruesome, and while I’m not the squeamish type, the face-eater’s photo looked really creepy, like a hillbilly version of Charles Manson crossed with Ted Bundy and maybe the Una Bomber.
But then today I was reading the paper and in a tiny part of the news at the very bottom of the page I saw where a Morgan State University student killed his roommate, then ate his heart and part of his brain.  It didn’t get much attention.  I guess people are most interested in things that obviously affect outward physical appearance.

…Lately I’ve been listening to the new B.o.B., the new Springsteen, Young The Giant, Neon Trees, and old Jason Marz.

…Last week some things I learned were these:

-The stock market crashed as the unemployment rate rose for the first time in over a year.

-Interest rates hit an all-time low at 3.78% for a 30 year mortgage (refinance, if you haven’t already.  I am.)
-Safeway and Walmart both sell vibrators.  (Yep, you read that right.)  A Walmart spokesman said, “People are more comfortable than ever about having one.  (Got yours yet?)
-In an attempt to limit sugary-drink portions, and thereby affect obesity, NYC is proposing a law that place a 16-ouce cap on bottled drinks and fountain beverages sold in New York.  A McDonald’s statement said, “Public health issues cannot be effectively addressed through a narrowly focused and misguided ban.”  (They can’t?  Really?)
-President Obama designated the month of June as Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Pride Month.
While listening to Rush Limbaugh this morning, he likened Obama to Hitler.  And this was just for Health Care.  He hadn’t heard about June being GLTG Pride Month.  (I try not to get political here, but Rush is a real hater.  He sounds preposterous so I listen to him now and again to remind myself why I can’t stand the man.)
-Thunderstorms cause pollution.  (Who knew?)
-Video games boost autistic kids. (Makes sense)
-Experts agree: despite the onslaught of texting, spelling is still important when you’re trying to make a good impression.  (Duh)
-28 cities posted their warmest temperatures ever in the month of May.  (No one seems to talk about Global Warming anymore.)
-In a nationwide poll, people said that youths would get a better start with:
25% --$250,000 in cash
71% --A college education
-28 states now have medical marijuana
-I am still a dolt when it comes to Twitter