—CRAZY, SCARY, SPOOKY, HILARIOUS  

 

 

…Monday’s post was the piece no one in the workshop understood. How about you? 

I think I need a new title.

 

…Wednesday’s post was the first real story I’ve written in some time. It’s a similar setting as some from the past, because I spent a lot of time in that tree fort, plus Gordy shows up in a lot pieces. He’s based on the only real friend I had when I was younger. And then he moved away.

 

…I guess I really am a creature of habit. That’s something I’m working on.

 

…That’s what new friends and booze will do to you.

 

…No matter how openminded you are, it’s hard not to let AI scare you a bit.

 

…Who knew willpower would be so important? 

 

…I read a bit about Pandora’s Box and how when she couldn’t resist herself and opened it, all kinds of evil fly out and just before closing it, hope stayed put.

 

…Even the little things can feel really good if you haven’t had a win for a while. 

 

…Do you believe in the power of self-talk? I’ve been asking myself that question.

 

…“At least my house didn’t burn down,” can sound kind of glib, but it can also be genuine.

 

…I genuinely wonder if people who voted for the current administration feel about me similar to how I think of them. 

 

…Random fact: Owning a car is considered a luxury by the majority of the world. 86 percent of Americans own a car. In China, car ownership is 22 percent, and it’s just 3 percent in India.

 

…You know it’s really bad when you won’t even let yourself look.

 

…“Why not?” is something I need to say a lot more.

 

…I’ve used this quote before, but it helps explain myself: 

"Possibly, then, writing has to do with darkness, and a desire or perhaps a compulsion to enter it, and, with luck, to illuminate it, and to bring something back out to the light.“  Margaret Atwood

 

…More and more I realize that what matters most is just showing up.

 

…If you think about it, it’s pretty hard to trust someone completely.

 

…How are you really doing?

 

…I’m trying to spend less time trying to figure out other’s actions and just accept them. Not necessarily agree with them, but say to myself—We all have a choice, and that’s theirs.

 

…I’m not sure if I know how to meet strangers anymore.

 

…I wonder, is white noise the same as silence?

 

…I only have one deal-breaker. Care to guess?

 

…I don’t know about you, but I’ll be rooting for the birds.

 

…Aside from this one, have you ever read someone’s diary? Did they know you read it? How did it make you feel? 

 

…If you ask for something, then you can’t slay the giver when you get it.

 

…I’m getting pretty good at remembering to push save.

 

…I’m just looking for answers, same as you, I guess.

 

…I was reading an article about a celebrity where, in the middle of the interview, he matter-of-factly shared his therapist’s advice, no different than if he was talking about his mother. The nonchalance, and acceptance of it seemed kind of cool to me. It’s a far cry from when Senator Eagleton had to decline his nomination as Vice-President because he had once seen a psychologist.  

 

…You have to be careful what you give your energy to.

 

…“It’s just stuff,” is easy to say until it’s yours.

 

…I got a very kind note from a woman in England about my blog. I’ve never met her and don’t know how she ended up here, but that was nice.  Thank you, Lynne.

 

…I guess you can just write an executive order for anything or anyone you don’t like.

 

…Meaningless fact, but kind of “wow” numbers—Costco sold 229 million hotdogs last year, 518,000 carats of diamonds and 9 million pairs of glasses.

 

…If these trees could talk there’d be plenty of trouble to go around.

 

…Maybe I’m the problem.

 

…I wonder why I delete myself sometimes.

 

…You probably have to be incredibly good at compartmentalizing to be a therapist.

 

…I wonder why I like True Crime so much and why I feel guilty about it.

 

…"You go out there and do the best you can, and you do things that are interesting to you. Hopefully it will be interesting to other people. I don't want to be adequate. I'd rather fail gloriously making something strange, awesome but ultimately a failure." Anthony Bourdain

 

…When things seem really grim, and then you find out they’re not, but that they’re actually five times worse than the original prognosis, well, that’s when grim just becomes a spectrum you have no control over, and what you once thought of as terrible now looks pretty good in hindsight. 

 

…It’s too easy to do nothing.

 

…“Len Kuntz was so inspiring. Huge compliment to him, he somehow helped push me to be better. Forever grateful!!” That was nice to see. I really needed it yesterday.

 

…I wish I didn’t have to say, “I used to,” so much.

 

…To argue your point calmly is a gift.

 

…It’s pretty hard not to ever be envious.

 

…I could have really used a drink last week.

 

…It’s interesting how settling it is when someone says, “I’m sorry,” even though they have no reason or responsibility to.

 

…Sometimes giving yourself grace is just making an excuse for poor behavior or habits.

 

…Someone should open up a Happiness Hotline where for a nominal fee you can ring them and somebody will be on the other end to cheer you up.

 

…Today’s word would be insanity. Yesterday’s was stupefied.

 

…As long as you have your health…

 

—THERE, NOT THERE

  

 

Candy Apple Red

 

We never talked about his brother, though everyone else did. Small town speculation is all some folks have, especially if it’s dark and familiar.

Gordy’s favorite place to hang out was an old tree fort that lurked behind our two trailer parks. Those who’d come before had carved names, slander and pornography into the warped sideboards, but we ignored all that. We’d become good at disregarding most things, and now that we were both fourteen, future days held all of our promise and intrigue.  

A few people believed us twins, not because we looked alike, but because we were inseparable. The things we had in common were too numerous to label, like the ways in which both our home lives rattled on askew.

Gordy arrived up the ladder with four canned beers stuffed in a gunny and two exploded like pissed off cats when he opened them, foam slipping down the glistening tin.

Gordy’s dad was gone, his brother, too, of course, but one of his cheeks was bruised and his ear swollen candy apple red.

Gordy took a hardy gulp and I could tell he was trying not to wince from the bitter kick. “I was thinking,” he said as I felt my thoughts consider his latest bruise. Though my mother was no more lively or dangerous than a stepstool, Gordy’s could spark in all the wrong directions.

“So whatdda ya think?”

“About what?”

“Stupid ass. Us saving up for that used Mustang in Schwimmer’s lot. We could fix it ourselves, paint her candy apple red.”

Candy apple red. That happened with us sometimes, a twin thing, where it seemed like one of us had just read the other’s mind.

“If he’d sell it cheap enough,” I said.

“Yeah,” Gordy said, gulping the rest before struggling to belch the way we knew real men did.

The third can cracked open like a branch snapping off and for a moment I thought the fort was finally done in and collapsing.

“You drink that too fast and we’ll be dry before we know it.”

Gordy fished inside his coat pocket and produced two saviors. “Ta da!”

“You were holding out.”

“I wasn’t.”

But he was, not just the extras, but about his brother’s girlfriend who’d got that lawyer and jury to believe it was rape instead of plain old sex.   

The wind was up, hugging and jostling the fort as if we were inside an uncertain cloud.

When I finished my beer, Gordy took the empty and tucked it in his coat for recycle money later.  “I was thinking,” he said.

“Yeah, you were thinking?”

“About bagging high school.” He glanced over my head, knowing I’d be startled.

“You got plans, huh?” I asked, nervous for his answer.

When Gordy reached into his jacket, I expected a seventh beer and not the pistol.

“Holy fuck!”

“It’s heavy. Wanna hold it?”

“Hell no. Where’d you get it?”

“My brother. He left it.”

“Left it?”

“Well, I found it.”

“The fuck you say. What’re you going to do with it?” I realized how chickenshit I sounded, that my face burned.

“Don’t piss yourself. It’s not loaded.” But I knew he was lying. His lip twitch always gave Gordy away.

We both understood what I said next decided the gun’s fate, if it remained out in the open, or stuffed away with Gordy’s other conundrums.

“Maybe someday we could target practice,” I said. “If you got shells.”

Gordy’s smile was fake as the doctored report card he turned into his mother. “Yeah, that’s a start.”

I grabbed the stubby wooden table and centered it, sat down cross-legged and started shuffling cards I’d brought. I let my eyes skim off the card corners for a sly peek but couldn’t see the gun anymore.

“The thing I realized,” Gordy said, “is we have to make our own future.”

“Took you a while to figure that one out, did it?” I said, trying on a smirk.

“I mean, everything here is shit. It’ll always be shit.”

I dealt. “You shouldn’t think so much.”

“We got nothing and you know it.”

I thought we had each other, thought we always would, but Gordy was scaring me, gun or not. 

I wanted to ask how he thought he’d get away with stealing that beer from his old lady. How a pistol could change our circumstances for the better. I wondered if he really found it, like he said. If he believed his brother did that to his girlfriend or if she was just vengeful as his brother proclaimed. 

Instead I tossed two Oly caps on the table and tapped my cards while the wind kicked hard outside. “Ante in.”

Gordy added his two beer caps and corkscrewed his right eye like I’d seen him do right before a migraine ambushed him.

For a stretch, we played in silence, each of us taking turns losing without trying.

Finally, I nodded towards Gordy’s head. “Is it a bad one?”

“The thing is, it feels like we’re fucked if we do nothing.”

“A gun’ll change things, huh?”

“We could win the fucking lotto, buy brand new wheels and people’d still think we stole them.”

“I thought we were going to get that Mustang from Schwimmer?”

“It’s not about that. People like us, you know how it is. Good things could happen, no one’d believe it was genuine.” 

I wanted to mention our part in things, our fraudulent report cards, the filched playing cards, the beer Gordy stole.

“People can fucking say anything they want about us and that makes it true,” Gordy said, rubbing his forehead. “They can make up shit. Get us locked up.”

“It’s not always so.”

“Hell it ain’t,” Gordy said, the pistol to his head before I knew it, the tree fort breaking apart around us, one board falling, then the next, us losing our grip on the wind.

                                                         

 Content 

The elves are hopping drunk on elderberry, circling the campfire in an arm-over-arm embrace, slurring lyrics to limericks they’d learned from a stranger, something about a man from Nantucket or Sinatra’s My Way, when the stampede hits like cannon fire, deer, bear, madcap squirrels, snow leopards, crazed lemurs and fox, all frantic and flying by at the speed of sound as the horizon begins to crackle and smolder, each elf burping or slapping the other on the back, woozy and content as ever. 

 

—GUESS I DIDN’T QUITE THINK IT THROUGH

 

 

…What’s your weekend looking like?

 

…It’s good to wake up feeling happy, especially when you don’t know why.

 

…Some artists are meant to be listened to and not heard. Sort of like the old adage: Never met your idols.

 

…It’s a lot of things, but today I’ll go with disgusting.

 

…If nothing else, you’re always free to make art.

 

…Got what you wanted, nothing to worry

 

…Sometimes all you need for a wakeup call is to go back and read what was in the past.

 

…Funny how things work out. I used to hate my wavy hair and now it’s just so much piano wire lying about my head.

 

…Sitting in my office, as usual, the house and floor all seemed to get thumped forward for a moment. When I typed in “was there” into my computer, before typing anything else, this is what came up in the subject search bar—“was there an earthquake near me today.” True story. (Turns out there were two of them.)

 

…I’ve lost plenty, but this is different. This beats them all.

 

…Corny joke online that I thought was kind of funny:

Are you an amusement park? Because you’re the attraction I’m trying to ride.

 

…I know I shouldn't say, or think this, but sometimes I wonder if God really knows what he’s doing.

 

…I’ll stop thinking about it when you do.

 

…“It is what it is” is such an interesting expression.

 

…When someone has almost never disappointed you, and then they do, it’s a real gut punch.

 

…This is going to be an awfully long four years.

 

…I later found out a lot of people think Colleen Hoover is a great writer.

 

…Hey, Big Ricky, can you help a brother out? (I may have asked before.)

 

…The Razzies are pretty cruel, if you think about it. It’s like being the last one picked for Dodgeball. 

 

…Some days I feel pretty good about my writing, and others, like yesterday, I don’t at all. It can be like watching a really bad sitcom where I’m supposed to be the star but keep botching my lines.

 

…I went all the way back to 2020. Now I know how Stephen King feels reading back Cujo.

 

…Why are we supposed to care that Justin Bieber “unfriended” his wife on Instagram? That Ariana Grande “liked” a post dissing Carrie Underwood’s performance at the inauguration? That Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively are embroiled in a spat about a film they made together? Where is the real news, like what’s happening in Ukraine or the Congo or Sudan where over a million people have fled the country due to a catastrophic civil war?

 

…"Maybe that's enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom...is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go." Anthony Bourdain

 

…“Bucket list” has never been one of my favorite terms.

 

…I was thrown for a loop the other day when asked if I wanted to be buried or not. Best be figuring that shit out sooner than later.

 

…It’s always odd when you can’t remember if someone’s alive or not.

 

…I typed in “how did Hit” and what came up immediately was “how did Hitler rise to power.” I guess I’m not the only one.

 

…So, what you might or might not know:

     One of the factors that helped the Nazis rise to power was propaganda. The Nazis used propaganda throughout the late 1920's and early 1930's to boost Hitler's image, and, as a result of this he became extremely popular. 

     The Great Depression brought the German economy to a halt and further polarized German politics. Hitler and the Nazis began to exploit the crisis and loudly criticized the ruling government. 

     Hitler's ideological goals included territorial expansion, elimination of the European Jews and other perceived enemies of Germany.

     In the nine years between 1924 and 1933 the Nazi Party transformed from a small, violent, revolutionary party to the largest elected party in the Reichstag.

     The SS were initially created as Hitler’s personal bodyguards, although they would go on to police the entire Third Reich. Members of the SS were chosen based on their ‘racial purity’, blind obedience and fanatical loyalty to Hitler.

     The SS saw themselves as the ultimate defenders of the ‘Aryan’ race and Nazi ideology. They terrorized and aimed to destroy any person or group that threatened this. The Nazi Party terrified their opposition into subordination, slowly eliminating them entirely, or scaring people into supporting them.

…I’m learning to walk the tight rope. How about you?

…Everything in life is a bet on something.

…Expectations are tricky, but they’re better than wanting nothing.

…“Gosling” is a pretty cute name for a baby duck. I wonder who thought of it. 

…“Disappointment is the cost of love.” Padraig O Tuama

 …What I learned last week is that I can be too subtle for my own good.

 

…When your best friend is a fall risk, well, you worry some.

 

…Sometimes the right adjective is everything, and sometimes it’s best without one.

 

…Not to sound like an old person, but today’s youth sure has a different idea of what exhausted means.

 

…I’ve got a journal of bad dreams you’d rather not read about. 

 

…Self-esteem, man, that’s a really tough nut to crack.

 

…“We laugh when we have cried enough.” Sally Reno

 

…If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.

 

…It’s another quiet ending over here. 

 

I’m a Hundred and Thirty Years Old—Here’s What I Wish I’d Known When I Was a Hundred and Ten

When I was a hundred and ten years old, I thought I had it all figured out. In reality, I had no idea just how naïve I was. Now that I’ve hit the big one-thirty, I like to think that I’ve gained some perspective and hard-earned wisdom. Here are a few life lessons that I wish I knew back in the day. If there are any early hundredsomethings reading this—you’ll thank me later.

Stop giving a f*ck about what other people think. In my early hundredsomethings, I was completely preoccupied with how I was perceived by others. I would constantly fret over questions such as “Do my great-grandchildren actually like me?” and “Do their great-grandchildren actually like me?” Now I know that it truly doesn’t matter if your grandchildren like you or not—tune out the haters and just friggin’ do you.

Live in the moment. I spent so much of my early hundreds wishing that I could just fast-forward to being a hundred and thirty years old. To me, life didn’t really start until you were the oldest living person on the planet. News flash: your life is happening now. Be present and live in the moment—there will be plenty of time later to enjoy having your photo in the Guinness Book of Records under the title “Most Ancient by a Landslide.” I promise.

You’ll regret that tattoo. At the time, I thought that getting “i’ve experienced eighteen presidential administrations” inked on my neck was a great idea. Now that I’ve lived through five additional Presidential Administrations, it just feels stupid.

I shouldn’t have had sex with the Wright Brothers. Sleeping around can be fun and empowering when you’re young, and, in my early hundreds, I looked back on my whirlwind sex marathons with Orville and Wilbur fondly. Now that I’m a little older and wiser, though, I realize that sex is more meaningful when it’s with someone you love rather than someone who invented a flying machine.

Take care of your body. When you’re a hundred and ten years old, you feel invincible. You don’t think twice about that second margarita, or attempting a backside one-eighty-degree nosegrind down the suicide stairs at Crack Park. But trust me, once you hit your mid-one-twenties, your body starts to feel every little three-sixty-shove-it into reverse Christ Air.

Wear sunscreen. When, at forty years old, I read in the newspaper that sunscreen had been invented, I dismissed it as just another New Age health hoax, like germ theory or the Y.M.C.A. Eventually, I went to see a dermatologist, who explained to me that I should have put sunscreen on at some point in the past hundred years. After examining my skin, that dermatologist quit her job and changed religions.

I saw the first-ever baseball game. Everyone played in their pajamas and the umpire was a child in a top hat.

Don’t save your money—invest it. Around my hundred-and-twelfth birthday, I was approached by a spry young man named Bill Gates, who asked me to invest in his new computer company, Microsoft. I publicly shunned the man and told him that computers would go down in history as “Bill’s Folly.” I didn’t realize at the time that, eventually, humans would be able to use computers to play Minesweeper. I should have invested in Microsoft, probably.

Learn to let go of the past. Harboring a grudge might feel good at the time, but it doesn’t help us heal from the situations in which we’ve been hurt. The best way to heal is to learn from our experiences, and to use those lessons to focus on forward momentum, progress, and, ultimately, growth. Two things that I am older than are shaving cream and the state of Oklahoma.

You don’t have to have everything figured out.

 Society loves to perpetuate the false notion that you should know what to do with your life by the time you’ve lived a hundred years and then an additional ten years. Take a deep breath and relax—you’ve got plenty of time.

By Sean McGowan

 

—ALL YOUR DICTION, DRIPPING WITH DISDAIN

 

…There’s so much to say about the catastrophic fires in California. I was watching the news where they showed a highway blackened and smoldering on both sides. Right down the center line a frightened fawn ran, tossing its head in every direction, confused and terrified. They kept showing the scene over and over until I had to turn it off. Such overwhelming heartbreak.

 

…Today is a dark day for some of us. 

 

…Some days I ask myself: Why believe anything at all?

 

…It’s always strange, not having anyone to root for.

 

…Most pessimists are never disappointed. Occasionally, though, they’re surprised.

 

…You’ve got to watch what you hitch your wagon to.

 

…I’ve got to stop reminiscing so much. What’s the good in that?

 

…I think I’m getting better at not holding grudges. How about you?

 

…In conversation over a deep topic recently, I off-handedly, without really thinking, said something to the effect of only having 30 more years left, and the other person, after laughing incredulously said, “Thirty?! Are you nuts?” 

 

…You never think it’s a chance you should take until you can no longer take it.

 

…You can only stare at the dancing trees for so long before you turn up the music.

 

…Are you tired of my dark things? I hope not, but if so, I’m sorry.

 

…I wrote four really good pieces in two hours and not one of them ended happily. Nope.

 

…“Ideas are like fish. If you want to catch little fish, you can stay in the shallow water. But if you want to catch the big fish, you’ve got to go deeper. Down deep, the fish are more powerful and more pure. They’re huge and abstract. And they’re very beautiful.”David Lynch

 

…I wrote a piece for a workshop and only one person understood what I intended. But that’s okay. At least there was one. Though it wasn’t the instructor.

 

…Do you just want to hear what you want to hear?

 

…“The old world is dying, and the new one struggles to be born; now is the time of monsters.” Antonio Gramsci, 1932

 

…The term “war crimes” seems kind of idiotic. I mean, isn’t war a crime all by itself?

 

…If the California fires don’t change anything, it’s likely nothing will.

 

…I’m reading this really laborious book about optimism. It’s kind of a slog and so far I have myself pegged somewhere uncomfortably in the middle.

 

…It’s still mindboggling to me that a country can just invade another country.

 

…Those dreams ain’t what they used to be.

 

…At this point, it’s a little too easy to just do nothing.

 

…Sometimes you have to wonder: Will I like this person as much if I’m sober?

 

…“There are few things I care about less than coffee. I have two big cups every morning: light and sweet, preferably in a cardboard cup. Any bodega will do. I don’t want to wait for my coffee. I don’t want some man-bun, Mumford and Son motherfucker to get it for me. I like good coffee but I don’t want to wait for it, and I don’t want it with the cast of Friends. It’s a beverage; it’s not a lifestyle.”  Anthony Bourdain

 

…You’re gonna need a waiver for that.

 

…I’m not as brave as I used to be, but I’m not as stupid. At least I don’t think I am. 

 

… The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?