—I HAVE TO STOP THINKING SO LOUD

 

 

…Dear Jesus, 

    At some point, you need to show up. And by “some point,” I mean right now.

    We’re counting on you.

 

…How was your 4^th? Loud? Rambunctious? Obnoxious? Needless?

Yep. Same here.

 

...I spent a lot of time over last weekend talking to myself as if I had something interesting to say.

Silly boy.

Gibberish only means something to the person spewing it.

 

…Any time you get a text that starts with, “Holy crap!” you know it’s going to be worthwhile and maybe even epic.

 

…I just counted 53 geese (really) swirling in the lily pads on the lake outside my window. It’s too bad those birds ae so mean and destructive. 

I know: how about I take the ducks, and you the geese, every one of them?

 

…It’s been close to four years since I’ve read in front of an audience, and I felt every one of those years Saturday morning. But, hey, it was awesome and at least I (somehow) didn’t blow it.

 

…Whatever you do, never watch yourself reading on Zoom.

 

…You can only pluck so many gray eyelashes until you start looking like a Shar-Pei.

 

…If you’re going through hell, keep going, and take me along with you, why don’t you?

 

…Whatcha doin’? 

 

…I’m not really sure who I’m writing to now.

 

…On this morning’s walk, there stood a deer right in my pathway, looking at me askance, unmoving as I spoke to it. I watched it eventually lope up the trail like it was wearing roller skates with butter on the wheels, unsteady as heck, yet beautiful. All I could do was stare and marvel. 

 

…“Hey, hey, crash course correction.”

 

…It’s too bad Gummi Bears aren’t vitamins, otherwise I’d be one healthy human.

 

…I’ve said this before, but I miss most people more than they miss me. 

 

…There’s a lot we could all feel bad about, but why?

 

…What would make life so much less stressful is to adopt my son’s way of thinking and grab onto the notion that the world is ending, and we’ve got no say in the matter.

 

…“The Bunny Hop” feels like a dream that never happened.

 

…“It’s going to be okay,” is the thing you need to say, though the thing we need to hear at certain times, but how can the sayer be so sure? I mean, how do they really know?

 

…I miss your face.

 

…Anymore, Armageddon is a sure thing, no matter how you slice it.

 

…Whatever you do, NEVER read American Psycho, though I doubt if you could. (I barely made it through, though I’m none too proud.)

 

…I’ve been sober a while now (a long while for me, anyway) and so I’ve been trying to write about alcohol’s pull, how like N or anything you’re obsessed with, it can become your entire essence.

You’ll see a few of those pieces coming up, but don’t worry, I’m still dry as the Sahara.

 

…“We’ve been to hell together.”

 

…Promises don’t mean a thing if you don’t follow through, so why even bother making them?

 

…I think I’d be a good gay friend, a platonic one. It sure seems like that’s what I am, most times, with the women I know.

Just call me George Downes.

 

…NO SLAMMING.

 

…I wonder how many people know what “beer slides” are.

 

…“No! You’re the bad influence!”

 

…“Eye yi yi yi, Freshmen seldom…”

 

…I should probably edit this more.

 

…I like to think my superpower is listening, but, of course, you might not see it the same way.

 

…“Please vote for me,” is something I hope to never have to ask, in any format.

 

…There’s nothing wrong with loneliness so long as you want to be alone. But if you don’t—well, fuck, it’s awful.

 

…It’s always freezing in summer in my office because the control works, not only here, but in other parts of the house, principally where the renter is, so to keep it reasonably cool for her, I end up being a snow cone, which is why I wear sweaters, long pants and slippers while the sun outside beats down on everything.

That cool, crisp air most people crave right now is a flashback I’d rather not have happen.

 

…At this point, aren’t we both wasting time?

 

…You said a lot of things, and I was stupid enough to believe them.

 

…“I’ve scraped too much of nothing from your plastic bag…”

 

…It’s not like you to be so cruel, but then, Who are you again? 

 

…“Always a dreamer, hey, Boog?”

 

…Flashback to the year I lost my mind.

 

…“Why is it so good here?”

 

…I have so much to say, and nothing at all, thank, God.

 

...It’s really strange to see yourself as you actually are—older, somewhat balding, somewhat feeble. But I suppose that’s life shined right back at you. 

 

…“Putting out the fire with gasoline…”

 

…I don’t want anyone regretting anything I was a part of.

 

…If I really like a song, I can play it 2,000 times on repeat and not tire of it. I really can.

 

…Can you find a moment to share something that’s happened to you, anything, however small? I’d be grateful.

 

…Seems like it’s me or you, or who flinches first.

 

…It’s okay to get old. It’s not like you have a choice. But don’t take everything down with you.

 

…When I was at N I used to often joke about my body, pumping up my chest and biceps, until, after one meeting, someone came up to me and asked, “You don’t really think you have a good physique, do you?” I said, “Nah, not at all.” To wit, he said, “Thank God. We all thought you were serious.”

 

…Playing, “Boats Against the Current” is like sitting handcuffed, kneeling and gagged, waiting for something in the back of your skull to detonate.

 

…122 is up there, even for me.

 

…I saw a deer, a mom, and her fawn, on my walk this morning (different time), and I felt like crying. 

 

…Out of the blue, I recently came upon a photo of me, age 17, in a white tux, seated in a chair in the trailer I lived in until senior year, and looking at that kid now, all I could think was, “God, someone please get that kid help soon.”

 

...Not everyone’s going to get it, and I’m perfectly fine with that.

 

...Even if you hate spiders, it’s pretty hard to hate their handiwork.

 

...--Maybe you should pull over.

--I’m not pulling over.

--Why not?

--Because he’s going to kick my ass.

 

...Some poeple are really good in emergencies, but I’m probably not one of them.

 

...Other things I’m definitely not are: techy, handy, mechanical, gun-savvy, Republican and muscled.

 

...It only takes one slip for the stumble to last.

 

...Maybe this’ll be the weekend when everything makes sense.

 

...Maybe this’ll be the weekend I stop asking questions that no one can answer.