—LOVE IS A MURDERER, LOVE IS A MURDERER.  

   

…Okay, okay.  It’s okay. Truly, it is.

 

…It’s hard to look at your hands when they resemble those of a 100-year-old man.

 

…Anxiety is a real Bitch. Most times she won’t let me stop shaking.

 

…This is about as kind a text as one can hope to get, on a late Sunday afternoon: “Hang tight, dude. People love you.”  

 

…“That which does not kill us makes us drunk motherfuckers.” Friedrich Nietzsche

 

…I found this note, by happenstance, in a jumble of things, written from a legend at the company I worked for, after I’d spoken to her team of 100 plus. It was so effusive and complimentary. About what a great speaker I was. What an inspiration I was. How everyone on her team wanted to work for me.

That sounds like a completely different guy than the one I see in the mirror now. I don’t know who that guy is, or was, but that’s not me. Nope.

It was an incredibly thoughtful letter, however.

 

…Every day matters, but the truth is, some days you just waste them, even if it’s a crime to do so.

 

… “It’s not much of a reach to know what it would be like to find myself in that same fraught place.” Brendan Frazer, on his character in The Whale

 

…I was so mad at you, until I realized I was mad at myself.

 

…"One is master of one's trade at the price of also being its victim." Nietzsche

 

…Critter and Crimson, my son’s parakeets, I think if they were released into the rainforest, they’d survive and flourish. They’d be just fine.

 

“Absolutely there was self-loathing. I think, on some level, I felt I deserved [a beating], and wanted to be the one who got in the first punch.” Brendan Frazer

 

…Everyone says I love you.

 

…I wonder if other people think about their issues as much as I think about mine. Likely not. It’s the time factor, and that can be wicked at times. 

 

…I can’t be the only one who thinks sleep is stupid, can I? 

 

…It’s a paradox--to not want to be worried over, and yet to want to have someone feel concern for you.

 

…Sometimes you just have to say, “Fuck it.” If they don’t get where you’re at right now, and they can’t accept it, well, that’s on them. Let it go, for once.

 

…“And I mean, I’m older now; I don’t look the way I did in those days, and I don’t necessarily want to. But I’ve made peace with who I am now. And I’m glad that the work I can do is based in an emotional reality that’s not my own life, but is one that I can strongly identify with.” Brendan Frazer

 

…Even when I’m not alone, it often feels like I am. 

 

…Take a breath of that fresh air. Fresh air…

 

…“If you want to hurt someone, you hurt them where it hurts.” Charlie, Poker Face

 

…I’ve never had someone tell me, “Fuck You,” so many times in my life. I understand it’s a message, and that it’s more complicated than it sounds on the surface. So, we’re good.

 

…I’m a fifth wheel on a car that’s going nowhere.

 

…“Be a good steward of your gifts. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be by yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hook. Work regular hours.” Jane Kenyon 

 

…Reading 100 books this year is going to be a real challenge. Most morning’s I can’t even read the label on my prescription.

 

…How stupid, right? Having a photo of Lucy on my desktop, upper righthand corner, where she’s staring back at me every time I’m here.

 

…It’s pretty easy to know if people really love you when they say they do. It always boils down to, Show, don’t tell.

 

…Seattle weather is a real bitch, yet a raucous hailstorm is something I’ll never complain about.

 

…To have friends is amazing as hell. To have an incredibly diverse group of friends, is amazing to the (some number) power. Like when one of your best friends says, “Why are we even friends?” and you agree, “Right? Why?” But you still are.

That seems like gold.

 

…It was telling that, when at lunch with one of my best friends the other day, he said, in a sincere, off-hand way, “You’re always so quiet.” What’s interesting about that is, he never would have said that if it didn’t know me now like he knew me back then.

 

…Doing shots with your son, now there’s a thing.

 

…“As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.” Randall Brown

 

…The thing is, it doesn’t always have to be about You. It doesn’t. Sometimes it’s all about me, and I realize that doesn’t necessarily make me look good.