--IT’S SCARY TO LEARN HOW VULNERABLE YOU CAN BECOME
…I’ve been
thinking a lot about death lately.
Boy, death is
something I really hate. But, after contemplating it, I’ve come to realize that without death, life wouldn’t mean as much as it does. It wouldn’t be so sacred. In fact, it might be fairly meaningless.
A long time ago
I saw this movie (whose title escapes me now) where there was a creek with this
magical water, and if you drank it, you never aged and had immortality. It wasn’t a very good film, but the premise
stuck with me. Instead of being
overjoyed, the people who drank the water regretted it. They stayed the same age forever, unable to
experience life as a year older. Life
had lost its purpose for them. They didn’t
have to fear car wrecks or heart attacks or brain aneurisms. They were immortal and it felt, to them, like
they’d cheated on the biggest exam of their life and were being eternally
punished for their crime. I’m not
explaining it very well, but it was the first time I understood that death
serves a purpose, as does aging--that they're both important and crucial.
A friend of
mine’s dog died yesterday. She was incredibly
distraught. If you don’t like animals or
don’t have a pet, feeling anguish over the death of a dog will seem inane to
you.
I have a dog,
Lucy, probably the best dog on the planet.
I spend more time with her than I do any other living being. She follows me everywhere. We often communicate without speaking. I know when she gazes up at me while I’m at
my desk, with that certain, desperate sparkle in her eye, that she’s asking, “Can
I please have one of my favorite bones?”
And then when I give it to her, (actually I tease her a bit, saying, “Is
this what you want? Huh, Lucy? You want this?” before tossing it on the
floor), she does this really cute thing where she pounces around it and spins
and pounces and spins some more, as if the bone is a living thing, a new puppy
perhaps, before finally clutching it in her jaws and taking it to another room. (Take my word for it, it is really fucking
adorable.)
Another friend
of mine was in a horrible auto accident, hit by a drunk driver going over the
lane on the freeway. I saw pictures of
her car. It was mangled so hard it
looked like a crunched beer can. The EMT’s
said they were shocked she wasn’t killed immediately. She’s fine now, though when I saw her at AWP
she let me feel parts of her arm where there were still windshield shards of
glass imbedded under her flesh. Since the
accident six months ago, she’s had shards popping out of her skin every couple
of days.
When I think
about death, or near death experiences, I feel very lucky. I believe in God, I believe in Heaven, though
a lot of that seems like mumbo jumbo and I simply take it on blind faith that
it’s real. Still, I don’t want to
die. I want to live. I want to do things that make me feel
alive. I want to be with the people that
make me feel more alive. Those are two
of my resolutions for 2017 and I’m going to try very hard to make them come to
fruition.
I’ve been
incredibly fortune. I’ve had an amazing
life. If I died tomorrow, or even today,
I’d still be able to say I was lucky enough to have done more things than most
people dream about. I’m not
bragging. Not at all. I’m just saying I’m one very fortunate guy
who is blessed for inexplicable reasons.
…Okay, so
enough about death. After all, it’s
Friday, the weekend looming. Here are a
few things that make me think:
-"I
think I'd like to be remembered as someone who beat the odds through just plain
determination. ... that I persevered. Because I think that being somewhat of a
pest to life, constantly plaguing and pursuing, will bring results." Sylvester Stallone
-"Is
the life I'm living the life that wants to live in me?" Parker Palmer
-"You're
only given a little spark of madness. You musn't lose it." Robin Williams
-“The best
thing to hold onto in life is each other.” Audrey Hepburn
-“I could
hardly look into his eyes. I looked more
often at his mouth, and could raise my eyes only briefly.” Marie Howe
-“The pot at
the end of the rainbow is not money. I
know because I have it.” Marin County
-“Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments
that really matter.” Deadpool
-“If you want to fly, you’ve got to give up the shit
that weighs you down.” Toni Morrison
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