--TROUBLE WILL FIND ME

…We’re getting closer to Christmas all the time.  I hope things are too hectic for you.

…These were some interesting and/or funny things my Facebook friends had to say last week:

-Dear Universe,
Please stop fucking with me. I'm weak and tired and will hate Christmas forever if you keep it up.
Your Sentient Being,

-I want to be serious and use Facebook to reflect my serious existence and make serious updates but then people get mad and yell at you because they can't see your face or feel empathy for you and everyone on the Internet disagrees so I guess I'll just post about my cats and things.

-You know those people who love to give parenting advice--who don't even have kids, or a cat, and have likely never even raised a plant to maturity--I'd like them all to have their tongues stapled to their cheeks. And I don't even think that's a violent response or bad role modeling on my part, so there.

-my future life goals involve cake and whiskey.

-I just had my first acid flashback. I was listening to Sugaree and all of a sudden I saw the walls flicker like a candle and the floor smelled like a sad tree and I really really felt like I needed to find a bathroom, the same way I used to feel after shitty parking lot LSD at Dead shows. It was horrible. No wonder I quit being a hippie.

-Okay, so I'm on a roll. In the past 24 hours I've been approached by security at the Mall (they went away when I said I was waiting for my daughter and pointed her out), I've been proselytized by two Mormon sisters while trying to buy donuts at a Dunkin's (they were out of all donuts, WTF?), somebody hit the parked van leaving a black streak on the rear bumper to match the black streak somebody left on the front bumper last month, now the overzealous fraud protection folks at #$@%*#( credit card company have denied my last three Xmas gift purchases without telling me until now, which required an hour on the phone to solve, which failed, which was finally solved on internet chat. Did I mention both of my girls are home sick? I wanna be sedated.

-some days, you sit down at your stupid desk job and stare at an excel spreadsheet full of bullshit and want to die and then you remember someone you really love sent you an amazing essay that you can't wait to publish and it makes you want to write again and you can't stop thinking about gems because the essay is like a gem and it's like fuck this excel spreadsheet, fuck this job, fuck everything that isn't that essay, fuck everything that's not a gem.

Goddamn it. I swear, any show that introduces a dog solely to have them die needs some kind of warning. After all, they do have a warning for sexual content, which is considerably less upsetting.

-I tried smoking crack today.