—LIVING IN THE PAST DOESN’T CHANGE A THING

 

 

Alone

   at 

The Soho 

  Grand

 

 

I took the 

rain taxi 

that day 

floated over 

flooded streets 

and gutters

made it

on time 

with one 

shake to spare

while the 

wind cuffed 

you to a curb 

before throwing

you onto the 

Lower East Side 

near the Bowery 

and Canal

why that truck 

was there 

when it was 

is something 

I think about

every solitary day 

but that night

at The Soho 

Grand all 

I did was

curse you 

for being late 

then for 

not calling 

then for 

not showing 

then finally 

for never again

being able

to say 

Hi Handsome

what took you

so long?

 —YOU APPEARED IN 57 SEARCHES THIS WEEK

 

 

insomnia

 

 

two a.m. 

everything 

black black black

patter of rain 

coffee gone cold 

and there’s nothing 

on my mind 

but what I did

and didn’t say 

to you

when I

had the chance.

 

—TALKIN’ TO MYSELF AND FEELING LOW

 

http://matterpress.com/journal/author/christi-2/?fbclid=IwAR20cGCLPA_ZJKva7vtA_pT4YJvMWpRfULfPOa3mSN7HUKs8KEPJZn_29hU

 

 

—OH MY GOD HOW I PRAY, I PRAY EVERY SINGLE DAY

 

…Sometimes, no matter where you look, or how closely you look. the luggage just doesn’t show up.

 

…When your friends suffer, you suffer. There’s just no way around it.

 

...Love is love, and there’s no way around that, either.

 

…What I’d really appreciate is a lighter shade of gray.

 

…“Death is so unfair.” Dan Cafaro

 

 …“Joan was, undoubtedly, a genius, but it isn’t enough to be a genius. You must also be lucky: right place, right time.” RV on Joan Didion

 

…Sometimes, though, a costume change is all it takes.

 

…I might not ever have what you need, which is why I am where I am, and why you are where you are.

 

…On a positive note, I closed all my rings, every day, this last week.

 

…Pomeranian? Maybe. 

 

…"It is very important to go out alone, to sit under a tree—not with a book, not with a companion, but by yourself—and observe the falling of a leaf, hear the lapping of the water, the fishermen’s song, watch the flight of a bird, and of your own thoughts as they chase each other across the space of your mind. If you are able to be alone and watch these things, then you will discover extraordinary riches which no government can tax, no human agency can corrupt, and which can never be destroyed." Jiddu Krishnamurti

 

…It’s really be nice to smell a lemon. Or cabbage. Or anything.

 

…I think it takes an amazing amount of courage to check yourself into rehab. I think it’s the farthest thing from weakness that there is.

 

…I’ve said it before, but once more: When you really need a friend, is when you find out who your friends are.

 

…The sun’s been knocking me around lately, and I already have bad balance.

 

…You’re something else. I hope you know that.

 

…George Clooney, he’s the celebrity I’d most like to have a beer with.

 

…“Why Bother? Because right now, there is someone out there with a wound in the exact shape of your words.” –Sean Thomas Dougherty

 

…It’s been a month, hasn’t it?

 

…When I was young and journaled, all I talked/wrote about was the weather. Now it’s all just gloom.

 

…“I’m learning so many different ways to be quiet. There’s how I stand in the lawn, that’s one way. There’s also how I stand in the field across from the street, that’s another way because I’m farther from people and therefore more likely to be alone. There’s how I don’t answer the phone, and how I sometimes like to lie down on the floor in the kitchen and pretend I’m not home when people knock. There’s daytime silent where I stare, and a nighttime silent when I do things. There’s shower silent and bath silent and California silent and Kentucky silent and car silent and then there’s the silence that comes back, a million times bigger than me, sneaks into my bones and wails and wails and wails until I can’t be quiet anymore. That’s how this machine works.” 

― Ada Limon

 

…I wish I could stop looking, but that doesn’t seem possible.

 

…I don’t think you want me lying to you, do you?

 

…Do I have issues? Sure, but don’t we all, if we’re being honest?

 

…I think not having issues is like going through life as a mannequin, plastic and unmoving.

 

…“I’m one of those creatures that speaks through art. I just want to always make. If I’m not making, I’m dying in some way.” Brad Pitt

 

…“You get quiet and you get creative. Busyness is the enemy of creativity.” Rene Zellwegger

 

…“We’re all going through something, so we might as well go through it together.” Ramona Klein

 

…“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.” Chloe Lattanzi

 

…But, hey, the sun is shining. Tomorrow the beaver’s going to swim eastward, and the eagle is going to soar by with his sharp eye on the water.  There’s so much to feel grateful for.

 

…But anyway, how are you doing okay? I was just wondering.

 

—I AM SEEING IN ME NOW, THE THINGS YOU SWORE YOU SAW YOURSELF

 

Formosa

 

We left 

New York 

for a 

constipated 

lane that 

never ends

two tickets 

to a runway 

gun show 

and a furnace 

pinched too tight

If it was fame 

you wanted 

you could have 

shot the mayor

Everyone has 

their reasons 

you say 

and they say 

we’re foreigners 

destined to get 

lost once we 

realize where 

we’ve landed

 —MAY ALL YOUR FAVORITE BANDS STAY TOGETHER

  

…Turns out that I’m really good at being sad, plus drinking, but the two of those together is not an ideal combination.

 

…“What’s a trigger for you?”

…“How about everything.” 

 

…If I can’t write it out, it just sits there, like a bone caught in the throat.

 

…If you’re going to go there, you might as well go all the way.

 

…“I don't tell the murky world

to turn pure.

I purify myself

and check my reflection

in the water of the valley brook.” - Ryōkan

 

…Some days I got nothin.’

 

…My best friend is coming to visit for a few days and I’m hoping he can save me.

 

…I talked to another best friend yesterday, who is on the edge. If you’re the praying type, please say a prayer and we’ll both be eternally grateful to you.

 

…Friday night, I’m going nowhere, all the lights are changing green to red.

 

...Lately I don’t feel much like talking.

 

…Mesmerizing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOotCVMFncE

 

…This isn’t going to be easy. Nope. Not by a long shot. Even the geese no longer come by.

 

…My next book comes out in a couple of months. Number six (I actually had to count them out on my fingers.) Who knew? I sure didn’t.

...Hate to admit it, but lately I feel like a broke-down car.

 

…I’m over my head.

 

…Anymore, I don’t even know where to look.

 

…I think that old saying, “Misery loves company,” is way, way off-base. Authentic misery, really, is only looking to drown in its own juices.

 

…What’s so hard about just listening? Asking questions? Staying silent, instead of giving advice? Most times, in those moments of strife and struggle, people don’t want to be fixed, they want to be heard, to be allowed to vent.

...When you really need a friend, that's when you find out if you have one, or not.

 

…I'm nervous. Tomorrow I see the surgeon again. I’m hoping she has some good news, but I’m not placing any bets. Plus, she’s as intimidating as a prison warden carrying a really big stick, with a bottle of lube in her back pocket. 

...I may never go to bed again.

 

…“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” Eckhart Tolle

 

…Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, even if they mean well.

 

…The Streisand effect, or psychological reactance, is when people are told they cannot have something, they often want that thing even more as a result of being forbidden from having it.

 

…“A negative person sees the glass of water half empty. A positive person sees it half full. A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey, two cubes of ice, and says, ‘Cheers.’” Dan Cafaro

 

…I thought I’d be done by now, but it doesn’t even feel close.

 

…Here Comes the Sun

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOotCVMFncE

 

—I AM FLAWED, BUT I AM CLEANING UP SO WELL 

 

 

acceptance

 

I keep lying to my therapist myself the mirror can’t seem to fix anything the shattered panes bones myself if a dog can do this what then a person a soul mate best friend and today is black and yeasty again pugnent unbearable unrepentant like a sinkhole without bottom a bear trap detonated vest-bomb I can’t even speak to the kids or smile at something funny that’s been said read threaded I wonder how many years it’ll take to recover joy acceptance myself without you within easy reach your snout somehow chilled and filled with love boiled over

 

—WHEN IT HITS ME THAT SHE’S GONE, THINK I’LL RUN FOR PRESIDENT, GET MY FACE PUT ON A MILLION DOLLAR BILL

 

 

Grief is a Dog in Ashes

 

I should be 

better by now

but all this 

sunshine 

feels like 

molestation

or a snuff film 

The air wears 

odors of dread

and carrion 

her room unrepentant

and the days 

they are no more

than shaman trickery

yet death is such

an easy ticket

I found another toy 

under the couch 

beneath the bed

on a bookshelf 

in the pocket of 

my favorite coat

Just now I picked 

up a coil of her 

butterscotch fur 

light as gossamer 

and like a fool

I’ve spent hour 

upon hour trying 

to weave it 

back into life 

while the sun 

winked at me 

far beyond the 

tallest trees

 

—WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SONGS ABOUT RAINBOWS  

 

The Leftovers

  

I threw away

Your food today

Every last bit of sustenance

Then your leash

And collar

And no I don’t

Want an urn

And no she wasn’t 

Just a pet

She was my

Best friend 

Turned ghost 

Staring at me

From a vacant

Spot on the floor

 —WALKING AROUND, SOME KIND OF LONELY CLOUD

 

 

Suicide Watch

 

Second day 

without you 

and it feels like

I’m on 

Suicide Watch 

all those eyes expecting 

the unexpected 

and the only move 

I can make is to

hoist a glass 

one more time 

wondering what

it would feel like 

to shatter it 

against my skull 

drive the cracked rim 

across my throat 

in the shape 

of a smile 

I’ll never see coming

 —I REALLY DON’T KNOW CLOUDS, AT ALL

 

Saturday, or Some Day

 

First morning 

without you 

as the cavity 

spreads like a virus 

that only knows

how to kill

I never realized

it was possible to

feel this sad 

or abandoned 

The lake The sunshine 

The beauty outside

they all feel contrived

though I know 

they’re entirely real 

same as any other 

slit in the throat 

I keep staring 

at the places 

you’re supposed to be 

watching you roll  

and paw-curl

rubbing your belly

saying Hi Lucy Hi Lucy 

I love you Lucy

saying it over and 

over again 

into a blunt 

emptiness that 

wants me dead 

evening the score

 —HERE COME’S THE SUN

  

 …So, yeah, a mini-concert happened in my office last night…

 

 …I still haven’t figured out church yet, but Craig, I get.

 

…I got half a mind to scream out loud. I got half a mind to die.

 

…When you’re walking downtown, do you wish I was there? Do you wish it was me? With the windows clear, and the mannequin’s eyes, do they all look like mine?

 

…Oh, I’ve got a friend who’s been there through it all, masturbates to Rob Pattinson, staring at the wall.

 

…I wish you would, come pick me up.

...If the tide takes California, I'm so glad I got to know ya. And for a while you were all mine.

 

…You can call me Pavlov’s dog, ring a bell and I’ll salivate. 

 

…Shed a tear ‘cause I’m missing you. I’m still all right to smile.

 

…I’d still kiss you by the shuffleboard, last call at 2 am.

 

…Keep it a whole one hund’, if I ain’t got you, I got nothin’.

 

…Another actress, I hate to think that I was just your type.

 

…A little fall of rain, can hardly hurt me now.

 

…Talkin’ to myself and feeling low.

 

…Just for one more day, what do you say?

 

…’Cause right now I’m lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did.

 

…And I turned around, and there you go.

 

…I’m your charity case, so buy me something to eat and I’ll pay you on another time.

 

…Pass that bottle ‘round the campfire, sippin’ apple pie and moonshine.

 

…Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow.

 

…Any other day we’d be hanging out together, no matter the weather.

 

…Said Baby I got missed calls and emails, all going into details about how you just not happy, and you think you gotta leave.

 

…I’m thinkin’ maybe I should thank you.

 

…Maybe the miles can make up for the things you lack.

 

…Please forgive me, if I act a little strange, because I know not what I do.

 

…If I minimized my net-worth, would you still love me?

 

…I got a friend who’s been there through it all. When I lose my shit, she’s the first person I call.

 

…But if shit hits the fan, we’re not alone.

 

…Feels like lightning running through my veins, every time I look at you.

 

…Deep into that mystery, ah, deep into some mystery.

 

...Sippin’ bubbly, feelin’ lovely, livin’ lovely, just love me.

 

…Looking back through time, it’s clear that I’ve been a fool.

 

…I can get too low with no reason. You say it’s the moon or maybe the season. But something’s not the same. 

 

…Help me out here, all my words are falling short, and there’s so much I wanna say.

 

…If you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud.

 

…Say you wanna leave me. It’s just talkin’, but I know you might.

 

…Let’s go dancing on the ceiling. 

 

…The love that I was giving you was never in doubt.

 

…‘Til forever falls apart.