Friday, May 29, 2020


—YOU MAKE MY LIFE SEEM WORTHWHILE


summer love

this morning
i’m shedding
the toxic cells
filling the slats
with talons of
rippled sunshine
watching the
neighbor’s dog
pretzel-stretch
in a pool of
white light
on the greenest
lawn
ever
near the most
forgiving
lake
ever
an eagle coasting
through windless air
past my window
like a
blot of
gifted wonder
first boat on the lake
a pair of teens
giggling and handsy
lovers like we
once were
paddling in between
kisses
kissing
in between paddling
oblivious to trauma
disease
or death
invincible
one might say
floating by on the
dregs of an
unshakable wake
as every voyeur
anywhere
watches in mock dismay
jealous as hell
reveling
just reveling
like that


Wednesday, May 27, 2020


—I WISH I KNEW A WAY TO TELL YOU WHERE I’VE BEEN


crayola

it’s a speechless
spread again
little to do but
punch the air
molten fires
everywhere
discounted wounds
heaped in
every corner
a flock of
rabid geese
comminuting
the sky
with blatant
disregard
them the only
sign of life
as i cling to
the edges of
memory
awaiting summer
killer bees
monster hornets
and hate mail
written in crayon

Monday, May 25, 2020


—I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE HERE IS  


fall

since you’ve
been gone
time resorts
to deprivation
and the screens
won’t stop
screaming
each like a
colicky child
heard from
a muddled distance
spewing grubby
nonsense and
bald silence
there’s acid rain
filling in
the chasms
hot blades on
every surface
the rearview
deluded and
denuded
one room
saying yes
another asking
do you
even know
while i
filch the
final card
from the
tarot deck
and fall
in line

Friday, May 22, 2020


—THAT KID IS JUST A GHOST IN A SHEET


adolescent
      autobiography

you spend
most days
re-engineering
childhood or
the rotted 
and
warped truth
your heart
dry as
a house
of straw
parched tinder
thorny or
horny for
a flame
yet away
from it all
for once
the chain of
constant
screaming
squelched
and you
long tucked
through the
barbwire fence
on the other
side of hell
lie on a
rock bed
wind whipping
your chin silly
not a relative
around
not a friend
you can claim
no one
at all
as you name
the clouds
give each one
first and lasts
timelines
and biographies
gaze left
or right
over at
the buttercups
and daises
filling the slim
space between
crevice and hope
while the oaks
and evergreens
sway laconic
slander the truth
for your benefit
nature verdant
and un-foolable
it being
the only thing
you know
that’s unbroken
and trustworthy
the billowed sky
soft as a
blown kiss
shouldering
your fears
shooting you
prisms
and a wink
elbows erasing
every awful tuft
writing a
different story
your first
and best
happy ending

Wednesday, May 20, 2020


—TODAY WAS A SMOKING SKY


                                                     r    o    o    m

       there’s another     crush     crash     of confidence     left of center     or off screen     so i’ve been     tripping sideways     flipping     copper pennies in     the revolving door     that swirls      elastic and plastic      in my head     take a look     there’s a     blow dart     in my neck     a leach with      a superglue grip     while you’re busy     frying eggs     that’s funny     that’s not     the air is     unbearable     like     sucking down     sackcloth     or each of     jupiter’s moons     luna weeping     black tears     the size of     all our lost days     tonight pulling     the sheet back     making even more    room for you     and your    untraceable shadow

Monday, May 18, 2020




—GOODBYES ALWAYS TAKE US HALF AN HOUR



…Seems like these are times where we should all give each other, and ourselves, a lot of grace. Seems like a good time to take stock of those people who are important in our life and examine why they have the impact they do. Anyway, that’s what I’m doing.


…My hair--once thick and wavy--is now thin and flat, and about to be the longest it’s ever been. It’s currently a cross between a pageboy and a mullet.

…All I have to do, to have a sober awakening about how old I am, is to look at my feet and ankles. It’s a pretty tragic sight.

…Is there such a thing as being too curious? Asking too many questions? Going too deep?

 …If you’re living in a snow globe, you’re going to run out of oxygen eventually.

…This really cracks me up:

…Sometimes in this world, you see things you don’t want to see.
Are you living in Hell? Well, try to make the most of it.” Carol Rama

…I think I’ve hit my perfect rock bottom a few times now.

…We met for a reason.  Either you’re a blessing or a lesson.

…Beauty is what beauty does to you.

…I keep forgetting I’m the smoke, not the camera.


…Sometimes I really hate this sad little room.


“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” Mark Twain

“Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.”― John Green


…I’m mad at a dead person and I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t.

…“The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.” -Emily Dickinson

…I want a song, a really good one, with lyrics that grab my heart and swing it dizzily across the room.


…I’m working hard not to confuse breadth with breath, graceful with gratitude.

…Sometimes you ask yourself who you’re writing to, and then sometimes you realize the reader is really yourself, and that’s okay.

…And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you used to live.

... Kathy Acker: “If you ask me what I want, I’ll tell you. I want everything.”

…“Some people are so poor, all they have is money.” Bob Marley


…“I am part of all that I have met.” Nelson Mandela

…“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C.S. Lewis

…Lately I’ve been feeling like everyone knows what’s going on except me.

“The idea is to write so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.” Maya Angelou

…“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  Benjamin Franklin

…One thing you can’t ever do is cry on the campaign trail.

…Here’s the thing—we’re all different, but we’re more alike than different.

…The joy in me is as much a part of the sadness in me.

…“And your love, more beautiful than the sun…”

…Of all the people who jumped off The Golden Gate Bridge, one percent survived, and one hundred percent of those who survived regretted jumping.

…When bad stuff starts to happen, it’s best not to look the other way.

…Sometimes you have to remind your face that you’re happy.

…When you spend more and more time with yourself you become more and more like yourself, which could be a problem.

…“I want to die having said something,” Jamie Lee Curtis

…We can look, or not look, but it’ll always be there, waiting.

…“I liked it,” is something you never want to hear someone say about your story.  It’s basically them saying, “Your story was shit,” though they’re trying to be nice.

…In a story, and in life, you always want a character you can root for.

…I am often a big, beautiful ball of tension. Well, maybe not beautiful.

…When you put great on great, what do you do?

…There’s a way of doing things, and then there’s guerilla warfare.

…Weaponized is a word I’ve been trying to figure out how to use.

…Why are we still talking about this?  Must be pretty important.

…I’m a writer, I guess, but I can’t tell you what a gerund is, or a dangling participle. 

…Talk is cheap, but sometimes it’s all you’ve got.

…There are some choices you just don’t get to make, so might as well smile and fake it till you make it.

...Eat, pray, love.  But be sure to pray.

Wednesday, May 13, 2020



—NEVER MET A BETTER LETTER


It’s been a while. Maybe that’s why…

…How are you? I’m feeling saddle sore.

"The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated." William James

…I spent yesterday morning texting friends, then watched four episodes of HIMYM with my daughter, then played over an hour of wicked table tennis with my son, then after a shower, I still felt bitter and angry.
I wanted to hit something.
I’m not a violent person. I’m really not. I’m the opposite.
For instance, if some random guy was a dick to me for four hours straight and he said I had free reign to punch him in the face, I wouldn’t be able to do it. That’s why yesterday seemed strange.
I grew up with seven brothers, six older than me. In those days, it was common practice for an older brother to beat up their younger sibling. It didn’t happen regularly to me, but often enough that I took the boxing lessons offered after class in elementary school. They didn’t help a whole lot. I was far skinnier then than I am now.
But in my early twenties I got a speed bag and hung it from a wall in the garage. It was a good way to work out aggression, until I learned the steel ball the bag hung from was shooting metal splinters in my eyes, for which I had to have surgery and was blind for five days.
Still I miss that speed bag.

…I miss a lot of things. I miss. I miss. I miss…

So far this short week, I’ve received emails with the following subject titles…
ADULT DATING
MORNING STAR RETIREMENT OPPORTUNITIES
DEMENTIA PROGRAM – THE ONE FOOD THAT FIGHTS MEMORY LOSS S S S S
SILVERSINGLES INFO
HOW TO GET ROCK HARD
…Makes me think I must be old, impotent and single, and not know even know it…

…I hated summer when I was a kid. I know--what kid hates summer?  But school was a safe place. You could be kind of invisible there. Even the cruelest kids could never be as evil as what waited for you at home.


…Safety is a very big thing to me. I know that sounds soft, but I need to feel safe with the people I love and trust.

…These days if you look inside my head you’ll see an empty parking lot. I have a hard time remembering what day it is, or even what month. I haven’t finished reading a book since sometime in February.

…If you have a strong opinion about something, is that the same as being judgmental?

…If you claim someone is a gossip, does that make you a gossip? Just asking for a friend.


...I miss those odd bumps. I love those odd bumps. Where are they?

…In love, there is no wrong approach.

…Getting sad is getting old.

…I’ve been living in the future, in my head. It’s pretty easy to do that.


…You have to sell a bit of your soul to fit in. You have to forfeit a level of authenticity.

…I was watching YouTube videos last night when it started to storm, an angry torrent on the roof and the lake like boiling water, so I turned off my computer and just listened to the deluge rage. It sounded like something I wish I could do.

  
…“Some of the world’s best songs haven’t even been written yet.” Taylor Meier

…“Growing older is not as scary as I thought it would be. Just because you’re not as pretty, doesn’t mean you’re not happy.” Princess Chelsea

…It’s important to be hopeful, always, even when things are at their most bleak. Without hope, we’re all fucked.


….“I’m not saying anything. I’d rather walk to my grave…” Skating Polly

…You don’t even realize you’re too kind.

…I gave up on feeling brave a long time ago.

…Cherry blossoms. It’s hard to feel bad when you see cherry blossoms. Thank you, Japan.

…I’m not very good at confrontation. In the corporate world I was really good at it. In my 24 years I probably had to fire at least 100 people. It was never enjoyable, but I got good at it. It was always about making sure the other’s person’s dignity stayed in tact.

…Hopefully, you live and you learn. Hopefully you live first.

…When I’m really frustrated, this is the song I play REALLY LOUD in my car with the windows closed. Sometimes it actually helps…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L4YrGaR8E4

…You know how some people talk to themselves? I write to myself. I don’t know if it works, but it helps.

…I could use some help today. I really could.