--JUST LIKE THAT
My Dad is
dying.
It’s
incredibly difficult to watch him in his hospital gurney with his mouth
contorted, him swollen and gasping through a breathing apparatus.
When I first
walked in, I thought I’d gone into the wrong patient’s room. My father was that unrecognizable.
There was a
woman playing a harp. She said she was
trying to help him relax. It was a kind
gesture, but I’m sure he couldn’t hear a thing.
They say he
will pass away in the next day or so.
They say there is nothing they can do for him.
I got to
meet his girlfriend. She spent an entire
night by his side. She said, “I just
love him so much.” It was tender and
brave and heartbreaking.
One of my
brothers was sorting through stacks and stacks of old photos back at the house,
the house which inside and especially outside, is probably the biggest, most
awful mess you’ve ever seen, not to mention the smell from the dogs. Anyway, there were lots of pictures from when
we were little. It brought back a lot of
memories, many of them not so swell.
That night
three of us got very drunk and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning. I slept in my clothes and don’t remember
getting into bed. I don’t remember
anything that happened after about midnight.
My head is pounding still, but it was good to get drunk. It felt like the right thing to do
considering the circumstances.
Ending your
life in chronic, unstoppable pain is a horrific thing. It’s horrific to watch and most of the time I
had to look away. Every so often he’d
flop the one arm that wasn’t paralyzed and he’d open his eyes and I’d come over
and say, “Hey, Dad, it’s Len,” and he’d stare right through me, his eyes muddy
and glossed over. It sort of spooked me,
if I’m honest.
He’s in
hospice care now and I’m back at home.
The drive was a blustery one, with winds and sideways rain, but it
cleared when I got to Duval. Traffic
was backed up for miles. I’d forgotten
it was Halloween. There were hundreds of
trick- or-treaters out in every costume imaginable. It seemed a strange conclusion to a strange
set of days.
I’ll likely be going back next week for the funeral. I think it will be a happier affair. It certainly can be worse.
I’ll likely be going back next week for the funeral. I think it will be a happier affair. It certainly can be worse.
I’m not
going through anything different that thousands of sons go through, or have
gone through, and I’m not pleading for sympathy, but it felt good to write
these words down nevertheless. But I still
feel a little sad. I wish things were
different.